I met St Patrick Moore backstage-ish
after he had been sponsored to do a celebrity lecture in my hometownm of Stourbridge by my dad's company.

I was all of 14, wanting to impress him by the fact that such a whey-faced youth recalled his earlier TV career when he was a guest on a special Tomorrows' World edition, where he sprayed bacon flavour from a soda siphon onto lettuce, for the amusement / gourmet amazement of his fellow special guests, as they claimed they could not tell the difference between it and real fried pig. However, he didn't recall it at all and after several attempts to jog his memory - to no avail - I slunk off into the background to burn in the heat of my own embarrassment.

However, 12 years later he graciously answered several of my questions for a boxout panel in an article I wrote for T3 on the future of space travel so he was mightily redeemed in my eyes. And I didn't have to remind him that he owed me....

To finish this off, I don't think I ever want to MEET the members of Rush, becasue if they turn out to be cunts then I will have to kill myself for loving 99% of everything they've ever done... so long as I don't meet them, our relationship is perfect. Unless they are actually all really nice guys (which I suspect and expect to be true) but I don't want to take the risk...

Oh yes, and I accosted Pop Will Eat Itself frontman Clint in the Swan in Stourbridge and basically implied that his then-hairdo was reminiscent of an alien queen and his companion accused me of having a 'star complex' meaning all I wanted to do was knock famous people. Funny, everyone else who has met Clint says I must have been a cunt to do that as he is actually a really good guy. The shame. However Jonn from Ned Atomic Dustbin is the nicest bloke you could ever hope to meet. I was once on his pub quiz team although I suspect he needed no help from me.

On a mitigating note, Ruth Madoc from Hi-De-Hi (and recently Daffyd's mother in Little Britain) was opening my dad's friend's garden centre and she nicely posed for me to take loads of pictures as an 18 year old student. So she makes up for any celebrity who is being a twat by being so nice.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 26 May 2006, 1:11, Reply)

Been to a few conventions and met in no particular order
Walter Koenig. Nice enough bloke but scary as fuck if you interupt his conversation.

Bruce Boxleitner. I met Tron!!! Cool guy

Gareth Thomas. Blakes 7 and one hell of a drinker! The man put away 27 pints of guinness in one afternoon!

Jim Davidson. Pushed my then girlfriend out of the way on Oxford Road as he walked past. I caught up with him and trod on his heel and sent him sprawling on the ground. Rude cunt.

Alan Rickman. Piccadilly Circus a few years later, lovely guy, chatted for a few minutes and signed an autograph without a single grumble.

Andreas Katsulas (R.I.P). Babylon 5, Star Trek and a whole host of movies. Had the good fortune of meeting him a few times and can easily call him one of the nicest, most genuine and funny men I've met.

It's not the length or the girth you should be worried about, it's where my other finger is going
(boltneck sacrificed a smurf to Cthulhu on, Fri 26 May 2006, 1:03, Reply)

Rhymes with raining
Back in September 1989 I was travelling around the US and ended up in LA, where I interviewed a few comic artists and cartoonists for UK magazines such as Speakeasy, if anyone remembers that.

One of them produced a newspaper strip called Life in Hell, and had got a job doing "the first animated sitcom on American TV since the Flintstones", as he described it. He was clearly a bit overwhelmed by the whole experience of working in TV, having a secretary and all the rest of that, and was very normal and down-to-earth as a result.

The interview was only supposed to be a half-hour but he stretched it to over an hour, and the only thing we didn't talk about was the TV series. He'd just had the first episode back from the animators in Korea, and apparently it was awful -- crude, cheap, they'd put in unscripted fart gags and stuff, and the studio had sent it back to be redone, from scratch, six weeks before the series was supposed to go on air. So this lovely bloke was staring at the fact his TV career was about to explode in his face, and didn't want to talk about it. So we talked about other comics and cartoonists, books, rock music (he used to be a rock journalist), and anything that wasn't the TV series, basically. And he was brilliant, funny, entertaining company, one of the nicest interviews I've ever done.

I was the first British journalist to interview Matt Groening, and we didn't talk about the Simpsons. I've never been able to sell the article. I still have the tape. I can't bear to play it.
(YojimboUK, Fri 26 May 2006, 0:45, Reply)

Jenson Button
may be good looking according to some ladies, but really he's a Fromey inbred twat. And he won't admit it. We have been bothering him about it since september last year, and he now recognises my group of student engineers whenever we're at an F1 event, and actively avoids us.
( Ralph farts in your general direction, Fri 26 May 2006, 0:40, Reply)

Fist Of Fun
I met Stewart Lee, Richard Herring and Kevin Eldon, off of TV's "Fist Of Fun" once.

They did a show in Derby and it had snowed heavily that day so hardly anyone turned up. I was on the front row and Rich steped off the stage and shook my hand personally thanking me for turning up :)

After the show they hung around and signed our tickets "Thanks for the money!" said Stew as he circled the admission price on my ticket.

All 3 were really nice blokes :)
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Fri 26 May 2006, 0:23, Reply)

Shaun Ryder
He was using a cash point (ATM) in Oxford Rd., Manc. Two students were behind him in the queue, debating whether it was him or not. He finishes, turns around, and walks past the queue. "Alright Shaun!" one of the students pipes up, holding his hand out for a shake.

Ryder stands still for a few seconds and then replies "Hello, MISTER PENIS!" before walking off. Several other sordid stories which do nothing to enhance his reputation.

Mick Hucknall shagging some bird in a toilet cubicle with the door open. Arse like a Wham Bar. Several other sordid stories which do nothing to enhance his reputation.

I threw Mark. E. Smith from the fall out of a jazz club once. I heard he was expecting Brix to split up with Nige and come back up from London on the trainm for about 30 nights on the run. He'd be waiting at the station every night. Pissed up, like.

He tried to get in without paying and was obviously worse for wear. I told him it was a private party. Worth it to hear him say "Do-you-know-who-I-am?" in his best The-Fall-Lyrics voice. I felt sorry for him.

Harry Dean Stanton came in the same club one night. Massive ears, nice bloke. Signed the wall.

Jools Holland was a bit miffed that no-one asked for his autograph.

Ian "Dad's Army" Lavender donated a big stone testacle that he'd smashed off a german statue to the ornaments behind the bar.

I made Naomi Campbell laugh when I said "Alright Naomi" when our escalators passed in Paris Charles de Gaulle.

The wife told Quentin Tarrantino to be quiet when he and his braying sycophant acolytes were disturbing her meal in Sonny's in Nottingham. It worked.

Paul Ince slow dancing with his Mrs. to the car stereo (VW Corrado 16v) in deserted Manc city centre street about 4AM. We nodded in good humor.

This is sounding like "Spotted" in heat...
(J i m s t e r, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:55, Reply)

Short but sweet
Just re-read the question, and got it all back to front but who cares? Anyway, most of my heroes tend to be shorter than me (6'3") so none of them have been unpleasant as yet, so I've only got nice things to say.
Met a few, well, I say met, vaguely said hello to is more like it.
Ant and Dec were both short, and very polite, smiley and nice. I believe one was experimenting with facial hair, which oddly made him look even younger. Not really heroes, but a certain respect, I mean, who didn't love 'let's get ready to rumble'?
Some one mentioned Johnny Depp being nice, and I can second that, due to him meeting my Aunt. She was the doctor on call when he was filming the Libertines in Wales and he had an ear infection. Started talking about family, and he invited her, my uncle and their five daughters to come and meet him on set the next day. So, as the young girls are being shown the set, having no idea what's coming up, who should stroll through the doors but Mr Depp himself, spots my aunt, calls out to her, gives her a huge smile and proceeds to have a good old natter.
Apparently one of my cousins couldn't actually raise her hand to say hello to him, she was that shocked and awed.
My uncle said he was a nice fella. Made me feel all warm that, some one you really hope is as great as they are on screen and turns out not to disappoint in the slightest.
Meet kila kela on many occasions, and he is never less than a very nice man. Bloody good beat boxer to boot.

So, like the weasle, the cherry has popped,and I didn't even answer the question right, quality!
(badfiremonkey, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:44, Reply)

Remembered
Femi Oke, she was very cute.
worth looking up the spelling
(BigAndyBee, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:42, Reply)

I've always had a policy that if you don't see yourself as a hero to yourself
then you probably lack imagination and self confidence.

However, after 20 years of trying this theory I can safely say it is both disappointing and untrue, every morning.
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Thu 25 May 2006, 23:36, Reply)

Brian May = Twat.
My aunt knows some sort of make-up artest type who managed to wangle some tickets for the premier of Spiderman 2. Which she gave to me too take my cousin (he was about 10 yrs old at the time).
Anywho there we were on the red carpet, hanging around like a pair of penises in a nunary, with bouncers telling us to move on constantly: McFly who my cousin loved were there, I went and got their autographs for him, he was star-struck, they were being pesterd by pre-pubecent girls but were nice. Tody McGuire and Kirstin Dunnst were both nice and signed autographs. But Brian May, amazingly, seeing as Leicster square was full of teenage tarts trying to glimpse McFly and McGuire got one of the best receptions of everyone. Yet he ignored every fucker there. He didnt even look up just kept his head in his coat a fucked off into the theatre. Twat.

Generic penis based joke.
(Gimli son of Gloin., Thu 25 May 2006, 23:31, Reply)

why are they mostly Cnuts?
I sold Suzi Quatro a pair of Ray-Bans, She was a miserable bitch.

Josh and Charlie from Casualty were a pair of miserable twats, unlike Ash who was a great guy with a top missus. Can't be arsed to look up their real names, except Martin Robinson - bit of a hero in Green Wing.

Met Vic and Bob - Vic was a prick. Got my revenge by cutting him up on the M4. He flipped me the finger.

Roy Chubby Brown - gave him a Spectacle cleaning cloth - didn't even say thanks; prick!!

Richard Whitely; cut his own lenses from a broken frame into a nice clear plastic armani frame. He wore them for about three years, so he must have liked them. acted like I shagged his puppy to death in front of his mother when I fitted them to him.

On the nice side :
Joe Jordan - Bought Ray-Bans, top bloke
Femi Okai (Sp?) presenter of TOTP years back, well knob-able in the flesh.
Fenella George, star of cable shows about planes, very cute and nice in the flesh.
Gareth Chilcott (rugby Player) by God you wouldn't want to snap his frame in front of him.......like I did; Top bloke.

My mate Vince met Iain (M) Banks in Broadmead, in Bristol. Vince said:'It's you.....'
To which Lord Banks almighty replied:'Yes it is...'

I made some specs for Mrs Thatcher once. My Dad was proud of me when I told him I rubbed my big fat cock all over them, before sending them out. Tidy!!
(BigAndyBee, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:30, Reply)

Musicians
Saw Shane Embury from Napalm Death at a "Mastodon" gig in birmingham. Not massively impressed but he does have fuckin stoopid hair. And when I saw Ginger at the Barfly (just after the Wildhearts split...again) last year, whilst watching the support band ("Superreal") I spotted the man himself watching them from the sidelines. I left him alone cos i) I respect his privacy and ii) Id probably stand there and emabrrass myself by going "Your him aren't you ? With the song" or summat.
Saw Spike from "Quirboys" at a UFO gig (QB's were supporting and were SHIT - you aint the Stones or Small faces). Spike walks past me (hes a short arse) with this absolute MUNTER on his arm. Ugh, but they probably desrved each other.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:19, Reply)

Back in the '80s...
I was a fan of not-that-successful-band The Blow Monkeys, fronted by "Dr" Robert. Through many a pimpley, hormonal evening spent trying to get off with blokes sporting mullets and spangley jackets, I dreamt of Dr R.

Years later, still holding a (kid's birthday party sized but still burning) candle, I saw Dr Robert play a small pub in some backwater dump in North London. Now fallen on hard times, the Blow Monkeys but a distant memory, there was my idol - somewhat fatter and slightly depressed, but in the flesh nonetheless...

I turned to my friend, as Dr R began to strum his gee-tar, and told her about my teen crush. Suddenly, the faux PHD holding strummer stopped playing, looked directly at me and said "WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

Everyone stared. I shrivelled. My dreams crumbled. What a bloody twat - he might have got a shag off me as well, I was planning to hang around the stage door after the gig... Oh, well. Signed - Daft Girl
(Pantyliner, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:12, Reply)

Daniel Bloody Bedingfield
Am quietly eating my whopper meal at Burger King when who should come through the door but Daniel Bedingfield.
"Look, it's Daniel Bedingfield!!" i say to my friend in disbelief.
Dan just turns around, looks me in the eyes and yells (and i mean YELLS)

"NNAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

and then storms out.

Everyone in BK laughs.

Classic.
(yousuckattheinternet, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:09, Reply)

And say...
Calm down dear! It's just a turd!!
(colonelegghed, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:07, Reply)

Winner
I've not met Michael Winner. But if I do, I'm going to force-feed him my excrement.
(Speculum, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:02, Reply)

Cunning plan? Shoulda got to the pie stand first!!
Met Tony Robinson on several occasions. He sits a few rows below us at Bristol City matches. Many moons ago, I sold the refreshments at the footy and Tony came up with his mate to buy his pie. But I sold his mate the last one and Tony called him a cunt!!
(colonelegghed, Thu 25 May 2006, 23:00, Reply)

a few but nothing spesh
Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine at a Manics gig (Astoria, Generation Terrorists tour). Lovely pair, they signed my arm - I had no paper on me.

Eddie Izzard on Oxford Street (before he was massively famous and actually could walk down Oxford Street)

My favourite is Alan Ruck (Cameron from Ferris Bueller's day off) I complemented him on his acting, and he complemented me on my T-shirt :D

And Ray Park (Darth Maul bloke) nice enough fella, but a bit dim ;)

And in a not met but sort of have way, I wrote to a couple of celebs for their autographs for my griflriends birthday a few years ago. Two replies, the first from Fenella Fielding (very lovely, sent a signed photo of herself in Carry on Screaming) and the second from lovely, lovely, lovely Bernard Cribbins, who I thanked for reading the Hobbot to me on Jackanory all those years ago :D
( HappyToast Groat froth, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:58, Reply)

BIG BROTHER'S FAVIORITE TRANNIE
i was in my local doctors surgery and happened across none other than foreighn tranny NADIA. i had someone get a pic of us together on my mobile as proof of meeting. it never occured to me to say, "alright mate, come to get your dick back??" i PROMISE you all i will next time.
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:58, Reply)

I saw Cold Feet and Yellow Pages star James Nesbitt
in Leamington's finest night drunken shambles of a club.

Knowing that this was one of my few moments to actually have a funny story to tell my friends I decided to approach him.

He's a lot shorter in real life, and was actually bamboozled with alcohol, in short, he was a wreck, I started talking to him, but I'm not sure if he could even hear what I was saying, he kept googling down women's tops.

I slurred to him (also quite drunk), 'I wasn't a big fan of Cold Feet, and Yellow Pages was a great career move'. He looked at me and then did an impression of me which was based on a hippy, involving mimicking long hair and just repeating what I said.

I think I may have been more impressed by James Nesbitt if anything.
( Sunshine Elephant, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:58, Reply)

bruce forsyth is a cunt
he is you know. i met a REAL celeb after england lost the last world cup. it was david seaman. what a nice bloke. nicer that BRUCE(FUCKING "I'M A CELEB GET OUT OF MY WAY"CUNT) FORSYTH. rot in hell you old faggot.


oooooh. anger issues!!
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:49, Reply)

PM
Late 1992, I was arranging a gig at a local theatre/conference centre and went to drop off the hire fee. It was the week of the Conservative party conference and knew it would be busy. Parked around the back and went in through the scene dock door looking for the manager. Saw an old bloke in suit talking to a group and walked up to him. It was John Major, he turned around and smiled. Then a massive copper grabbed me. 'how did you get in?' the copper asked. 'Through that door' I replied sarcastically. So much for the security services.
(Celtican is 10! Old school or what?, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:45, Reply)

Chris Rea
Just standing in the foyer of the National Portrait gallery. Came back 30 minutes later, still stood there. Doing nowt. Just standing there.
(Celtican is 10! Old school or what?, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:41, Reply)

Cable car catastrophe
A friend of my brother told me this...many years ago this friend and his 3 mates were ski-ing in Austria and were waiting in the queue for the cable car to get up the mountain. Whilst waiting in line they spotted famous rugby player and Question of Sport team captain 'Bill Beaumont'. After arguing for ages whether it was him or wasn't him they boarded a 6 seater cable car. Mr Beaumont was in the car ahead of them so they continued their discussion blanking the 2 strangers sat with them. 'he's looking really fat these days', 'what a wanker', 'fat cunt' etc etc. When they got out at the top of the mountain the lady sat with them on the ascent suddenly piped up. 'That's my husband you're talking about' as she called him over. Embaressment ensued.
(Celtican is 10! Old school or what?, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:36, Reply)

Bobby Gillespie
The spastic primal scream front man was a bit of a hero of mine when I was at college. Hard drugs, Rock and roll, and motor neurone dancing! Anyhoo when I moved to the smoke I was most dissapointed when I met the whey-faced gimp. Scoring crack, being blown by a dusky strumpet? no, buying fucking halibut, in a fish mongers in fucking yuppy islington. Not just that, he was pushing a buggy, and a it were a cunting three wheeler....... more like a bastard.
(g0atboy, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:34, Reply)

Vic and Wife
Worked in Our Price in Canterbury. Vic Reeves came in. Couldn't tell you what he was like because he couldn't get a word in over his moaning, arrogant cunt of a wife.

Felt sorry for the poor bugger. She really didn't stop going on at him.
(Speculum, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:34, Reply)

Again, not disappointing, but I had to share
Also Jamie Lenman of Reuben. I was a couple of years below him at school and used to see him a lot in the music department as that's what we were both into. He spent a lot of time helping other younger music students, but alas, never me. Always stood out a mile as he was the only non-teacher who used to strut around in a suit. A year or so later, he was working in the music shop in town when I went in to buy a music stand (as in sheet music... I was playing percussion in the local youth orchestra at the time). His first words to me after my explaining what I was after were "Wow, cool, a girl drummer", swiftly followed by "Wow, an intelligent drummer" (on account of reading sheet music). Anyone else I would have given a smack in the face but he was just such an ace bloke. Helped me pick out a nice stand too - not sure many people could talk at length about the relative merits of metal tubing and hinged strips. My boyfriend met him the other day coming out of band practice, he was at reception booking his. Haven't actually found out whether anything exciting transpired as he just gets all excited and incoherent if it's mentioned.

I saw Gazza on a train once. None of my family dared go up and speak to him though. Also Val Biro (of the Gumdrop books) visited my local library and signed a couple of my books. I was far too young to remember. Actually, thinking about it, I think Gumdrop was there too, which would have been far more exciting to me at the time.
( useful_idiot, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:13, Reply)

Missing mouse
When I was five Mickey Mouse came to our small town. I was so eager to meet him that my mum and I waited in line for thirty minutes to get to him. Then, when we were almost to him, a woman came up and said "Mickey has to take a cheese break, he'll be back in a few minutes". My loving mother and I waited almost an hour but he never came back. :(
(Zzzzzzz It appears I'm asleep!, Thu 25 May 2006, 22:02, Reply)

I was a little child, maybe 5, on a ferry to France.
"OMG", thought my tiny, sugar-addled mind, "ITZ TOM N JERRY!1!11!1". I was not wrong; there stood a giant Tom and giant Jerry: my two favourite cartoon characters, their crazy adventures bringing joy to me in ways that nothing else can.

"I WANNA HUG", I prepubescently growled, running up to the massive, brown mouse. A look of sheer glee stretched across my ugly little face as I wrapped my snotty fingers into his coarse, sexual fur. "JERRY", I honked, "WHY HAVE YOU GOT SUCH HAIRY ARMS?".

"You silly little cunt", he replied, "I am a mouse. Of course I have hairy arms."

"FINE, BUT WHY ARE YOU WEARING A WATCH?", I foghorned, stepping back.

"Because I'm a fucking 38 year old man who's only doing this job so I can pay for coke and whores after the holiday. I fucking hate kids. I fucking hate you. You are a disgusting, snotty little brat, and I would become a paedophile just to get my revenge on nasty little shits like you, but unfortunately I'm too repulsed to even consider rodgering you. Now get out of my sight before I stab you to death and dump your carcass in the sea."

So I went and hugged Tom instead. He was my favourite anyway.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 25 May 2006, 21:42, Reply)

My sister had been Donovan's Number One Fan
for, hooo, what, nearly forty years?

So last June I took her to his 'Beat Club' concert in Hanley. She'd seen him before but this time I decided that she must MEET him.

We enjoyed the show and then waited patiently afterwards for him to show up.

Sis duly met her idol, had her ticket signed by him, had her photo taken with him and even gave him a hug and a kiss.

It was perfect. He was lovely. Sis was delighted, and I was the hero of the hour.

Sorry to disappoint, but we weren't disappointed!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 25 May 2006, 21:25, Reply)