Help!!!! Nurse in distress
District nurse had pulled up outside our lab to attend a care home this morning. She was duly ticketed by the Yellow Striped bastards.
Care home worker came out to explain it wasa an emergency. The bastard shrugged and walked off.

Can anyone message me the old report about exceptions to the parking laws. Something about missing T bars.

Thank you.
(bugboybeast, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 10:24, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

24 hours to go ... or, perhaps, not.
Hong Kong - love it or hate it, it certainly has a certain charm. Not least of which is that, despite my trying to get out of here at 2315 tomorrow evening on the BA26, Nuri may be in my way.



Anyone up for the first-ever 400mph take off of a 747 :eek:?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 8:04, 214 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Funny what you think about as you sleep, huh?
Whilst asleep earlier on, I was thinking about how strange the English language is, especially concerning the spelling of words.

For some reason, at 5am, in the midst of a decent sleep, it's highly amusing to think that adding just one letter can completely alter the meaning of a word.

In my case, adding an "r" to "fury" can change it from a really angry word and make it "furry" which is just warm and fuzzy.

Mornin' all :)
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 6:58, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have now done the (almost) impossible!
I broke my office software today...again.

As some of you may know, I collect fines upon conviction from criminals. For felonies there is a $2 transaction fee for each payment made. Today I managed to accidentally (hit a key too fast) set a payment plan for $1 per month. This created an infinite loop in my system wherein the balance due would increase every month forever.

Oops!

The programmers weren't pleased and said they had made this impossible to do when they created the system. Thankfully they were able to fix the problem quickly by logging me out from their end.

Oh, and they have offered me a job. Apparently they think that if I can manage to break their system as often as I do, I might be useful to them. For now though, they just call me "FWB from that damn County".
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 20 Aug 2008, 22:49, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Love thrown away
*Inspired by a film*


I met her every day at the beach.

We never arranged a meeting beforehand, sent each other excited messages in anticipation, or met at the same time every day.
I just knew she would be there, always facing out to the sapphire waves. In all the times we met, I would find her in the same stance. She would be stood as described as the ocean came into view as I reached the summit of a dune, silhouetted against the glare of the sun off the water; one hand planted against her slender waist.

She would give no indication she knew I was approaching, but never started or displayed any surprise as I wrapped my arms around her from behind.
She would sigh pleasurably and nuzzle her head of spiralling black curls against my neck and reach around to cup my buttocks.
Speech wasn't necessary beyond small grunts and moans of acknowledgement. She would turn and almost bury her teeth into my shoulder with a strength and vehemence belying her small stature, drawing blood on occasion but causing euphoria instead of pain.
We would lay down in the sand, her small breasts against my chest as we made love, occasionally arching her back as she rode me, for extra friction against her clitoris. Our orgasm was always simultaneous.

Afterwards, she would dance to a rhythm inaudible to our ears, but which thundered through our hearts and loins. Primal and passionate, it was truly what a philosopher once called the vertical embodiment of a horizontal desire. I always became fixated with the small tattoo of a butterfly on her left hip which seemed to flutter, most alluringly, as she dipped and swayed. Afterwards, as she lay exhausted in the almost vermillion sand, I would lay a tender hand upon her head and say, 'I must go. I shall see you soon'.
She would look up into my eyes, her own a mischevious, sparkling emerald and say, 'Until then'.

Until today.

'I must go. I shall see you soon'.
She rammed her hands against her ears in a most alarming and painful-looking fashion and screamed.
'No! No! Don't go! Don't leave me!'
This carried on for what seemed like an enternity, until I came to my senses and wrestled her arms from her ears.
'I must, Sweet. I must go'.
She screamed again and beat my chest with her fists. Her sheer fury made the punches hurt, but as the flurry continued they became less substantial; even ethereal.

To my horror, I noticed my love had become almost transluscent, her pounding fists sinking into my chest uselessly. I looked up, and caught one last glimpse of her terror-stricken face as she vanished before my eyes. I screwed my eyes shut and howled primal grief at the impervious sky.

I heard a voice.

I opened my eyes to an unfamiliar room.
A face, not known to me, hazy at first, then with gradual clarity, swam into view. A doctor.
'Mr Bradley?'
I nodded.
'You were in a car accident. A collison with a truck. You've been in a coma for 2 weeks.'
I swallowed, with difficulty.
'Lou...Louise?'
'I'm sorry sir,' said the kindly voice, the Herald of Death, 'She passed away just before you awoke...'
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 22:30, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cooking
Hi. I'm a Neanderthal.

So a little while ago I moved out of home for the second time at an embarrassingly advanced age. The first time was for uni and I was more interested in drinking and failing to shag girls than I was at feeding myself. As a result I felt it was a hassle I didn't need and this persisted throughout recent years.

However.

On the second move, I have discovered a latent skill at cheffing. Tonight, for example, I cooked a rather nice chicken and coconut masala including home made pilau rice. It was awesome. This isn't what I really enjoyed, though. No, it's the grocery shopping I really like. It took me fucking ages to find the blocks of creamed coconut that I needed to make the above meal. Actual weeks. When I found it, I felt like I'd landed Moby Dick. Man the hunter. Hear me roar.

So, what do you take a guilty pleasure in that other people find a meaningless chore?

If you don't have an answer, tell me how inappropriately drunk you are given that it's a school night. If you can't do either, fuck off back to where you came from.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 22:20, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This evening's fluffeh
Not one of mine as I'm not allowed to post pictures of patients online, but look how cute...
www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/aug/20/usa.animalbehaviour

Apologies if I missed it being posted in an earlier thread.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 21:14, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Renovations

I'm sitting on a cushion, huddled in the doorway of my bedroom as the stupid builders have cut the electricity to all but 1 plug in my flat.

I have no music, food or comfiness. I do have a beer though.

Anyone whose had builders work on their flat tell me it's all worth it in the end!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 20:01, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Acronyms scare me
Evening all,

I know the b3ta community generally has a higher-than-average level of intelligence and education, and I was wondering if some of it could rub off on me. (Careful...)

I'm going to graduate this year and it terrifies me. I want to go into a career as an academic, specifically a socio-legal researcher, but have no idea how one can afford the fees for the necessary qualifications without parental/corporate intervention. Also, the wide variety of degrees scare me: should I be applying for MAs, MRes, MPhil, MLitt or straight for PhDs? It's all so growed-up and scary.

Thanks in advance, post-gradded b3tans! :)
(Holloway_Girl To err is to be human, to be a fool is to believe, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 19:47, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Evening all
The lights are chilled, the wine is dimmed, and there are absolutely no polar bears in here whatsoever.

Come join me...


(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 18:14, 144 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Overheard yesterday
A little boy having an argument about something with his big brother but I don't know what about because all I overheard was the little boy's indignant retort, which was "Well? Have you got millions of bottoms?!"
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 16:31, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fun things for me to read at work
Over the past month or so I have read all of xkcd, most of Ctrl+alt+del comics, all the Snoopy/garfield/calvin & hobbs I could find - Hell I even read all of Nemi this morning I was that bored so any good funny online comics I can read in the upcoming days?

Edit: I feel I should mention that I have had to spend hours on the phone recently and the comics get me through the auto messages every single store has that tells me their opening hours and how to get to them before I get to talk to someone on reception who then puts me on hold for another 5 mins before I get to speak to the customer service manager who was on holiday during the refit so puts me on hold for another 5 mins to get a design consultant. This process is smoother if I am reading comics :)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 16:05, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

boss/client foot in mouth
so when it was warm a few weeks ago, i replied to my boss who asked how i was: "all hot and sweaty". my team will NEVER let me forget this.

then a few days later, i spoke to a client and said, "hi, how are you? are you hot?"

now i've just left a random twittering vm for another client that ends with: "call me so i can tell you exactly what i'm doing right now."

each time, there is a bit of a strangulated silence before i realise what i've said, try not to giggle like the feeble minded child that i am, and move the conversation on with some difficulty.

what dumb things have you said to clients or other important people??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 15:40, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Well, Boss, it was like this .....
We've all made mistakes at work. We've all stood in front of the boss, shuffling our feet and trying not to blush (or cry) whilst explaining a moment of, shall we say, fuckwittery.

This guy did it in grand (and very public) style, and is the fifth employee to have done exactly the same thing ...

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7572641.stm

Rather puts my "ordered 10 pallets of paper instead of 10 boxes" moment into perspective.

Here's your chance to share your "Well, Boss ..." moment for the merriment of others. Take a look at the link, and see if you can beat that!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 20 Aug 2008, 15:35, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

80's (90's? maybe) US Drama thing
Hi all,

Years ago in my stoner days I used to float into my bedroom and put ITV on in the early hours of the morning and there used to be this US programme on about a couple that were highschool sweethearts who got married had a couple(?) of kids then divorced, but stayed friends, and were always on the verge of getting back together.

If I remember, one episode had an Elvis Costello song (slowed down) as the theme.

Anyone know what it was called?
(dchurch bah, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 14:33, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Prompted by pooflake in another thread...
What is the best/worst gig you've ever been to?

my best was seeing Robert Plant and the Strange Sensation in an old prison in Bristol (possibly Bedminster, can't remember the name of the venue)

it cost me £15 and I was stood about 10 feet from the man himself.

The support band were a young unsigned act called Aura who rocked big time.

Plant came on looking grizzled wearing t shirt and jeans and gave the best performance of anything I have ever seen. he has so much charisma, presence and an amazing voice.

I was literally speechless after he'd finished it was so good.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 13:58, 53 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yourcodenameis:Milo
to the metal/hard/prog rock b3tans out there;

Does anyone else love this band from Newcastle/Sunderland who appear to have disbanded cos of lack of sales?

Heartbroken I was to read that - I saw them the one time they played Ireland. They nearly collapsed a building with sheer power and rockingness.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 13:29, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I'm after some last.fm suggestions this morning,
I'm in the mood for some cool, laid back jazz and classical. Any good suggestions?
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 9:41, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wednesday Morning
Good morning happy B3tans, one and all, and welcome to Wednesday.

Here in Hong Kong I was up at 11pm last night writing back to my client and telling them in the nicest way I could manage (which, with me on the outside of a couple of pints (yes, yes, I know ... lightweight) isn't that nice) to sod off.

This morning I'm somewhat narcoleptic having fallen asleep in the shower, and twice in the office already. These are microsleeps (i.e., not more than 10 seconds at a time) but they're quite worrying as they're coincident with a couple of large insect bites on my legs. Hmm.

Oooooooooooooh. Ed's got the dreaded lurgy!

Anyhow - this morning's topic would be this: have you ever been fired, and if so was it deserved?

To answer this question for myself - I was sacked in 2002 (and hence became self-employed, full story passim) and it was entirely undeserved but at the time understandable. HBoS! Grrr.


(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 5:38, 111 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

pedometer fun
I got a pedometer through the post this morning, so figured I'd try it out to see how far I walk each day. So I put it on just before I left my flat and just took it off now that I'm home. It's got a ball bearing mechanism that works as the counter, so as I walk fast I'm not convinced of its accuracey as it bounces around a lot.

So today's travels...6.7 miles. (google maps calculates it as around 3.4 miles and I'm more inclined to believe that as I didn't do a great deal of running about at work for a change, so we'll see.

Going to wear it until the end of the week and post my results here so I can gauge the average I do and then work out how much it really is.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 23:41, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bob Dylan
I am terrified of those horrible creatures on /talk so I thought I'd come to you LOVELY qotw creatures you, with one of these semi-regular AQA type questions that sometimes appear.

So..

Where do I start with Bob Dylan. My good flatmate has almost everything but erm I don't trust him! I need some opinions of where to start with the so called legend that is Bob Dylan.

Or should I go and masturbate in a light room with the curtains open?
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 20:32, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Evening all
How are we all?

I managed to only cut myself once today at work! Yay.


(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 18:53, 118 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm soooo excited about Saturday *bounces*
Are we nearly there yet?

A journey on a big train (and since Tourette's will be with me I don't have to wear a label around my neck with my name and address on), and drinkies with a bunch of people, some of whom I've met and some of whom I only know from the words they spurt from their keyboards.

*bounces again*

*wees*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 19 Aug 2008, 14:54, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Gutted
Posted the Di Joke at 10:30,

It's already at the top of my best stories...

I'm gonna ask one of the more accomplished writers to ghost write for me in future...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 14:41, Reply)

I am trying to identifly a film
And google does not help

Neither did /talk who claimed to know but wouldn't tell me and then mocked me for admitting to posting mainly in qotw

So maybe my fellow qotw'ers can help

I can remember one scene

There is a girl and two guys and they are making lurve and then the guys start getting down to some gay stuff whilst the girl dances round a fire and these bad guys catch them at it and I think they cut off the guys balls or nob for doing gay stuffs and he bleeds to death (I think)

Any ideas?
( Peej, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 13:42, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

oh the shame
Have just returned from the physio and I officially have a royally fucked knee. He prodded and poked it and then announced "well, in all my years I have never seen anything like this before, hmmmmm" Its fucked to the extent that they have reduced my inner thigh muscles to redundancy and my outer thigh muscles are so tight they are pulling my knees out of shape even more.

hurrah.

I have to do stretching exercises.

Every hour.

This involves me lying in the middle of the office floor trying to kick myself in the back of the head. next hour some other depts are coming round to laugh at me while I limber up.

The shame, the shame.

Had any humiliating experiences at work lately?
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 11:34, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dumbing down
The SCR here normally has The Times and The Financial Times delivered daily.

Today: Metro and Tatler. What's going on?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 11:14, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

IT types
I have a question:

I've got a Netgear RangeMax wireless router, and when I use some kind of torrent app on my computer the wireless connection drops out after maybe 5-10 minutes.

I've reduced the number of global connections to below 200 in an effort to stop it, but it hasn't done the trick. any suggestions?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 10:28, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)