I need a job
My bank just declined payment on my card for a loaf of bread. A LOAF OF BREAD. Fuck knows what I'm going to eat.

Any recommendations?
( WormuIus, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 20:55, 144 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

internet begging

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 20:57, Reply)

I could do I suppose.
Dear Internet,

Give me a job, some food or some money.

Thanks in advance.
( WormuIus, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 20:58, Reply)

Sod off scab.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 20:58, Reply)

Have we moved up here?
I was just on the last thread.

In answer to your question, you could try sending batshitboresme pictures of your sweaty ringpiece.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:02, Reply)

Lap up your tears of woe :'(
Not got a credit card or summit?
You can get noodles from asda for 11p.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:04, Reply)

So you're telling us
That you don't have enough money for a loaf?

Fuck me - I thought I was in trouble.

You'll just have to sell your arse to Russian sailors.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:07, Reply)

what he doesn't point out
was that it was really posh artisan loaf from waitrose or something
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:11, Reply)

A loaf is a loaf
It's not going to be more than a couple of quid.

He'll be dossing under a bridge soon - mark my words.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:14, Reply)

It was a special offer
Two loaves for £1.50
( WormuIus, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:15, Reply)

What is it you don't do for a living?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:16, Reply)

I'm unemployed.
Hence the subject line of my post.
( WormuIus, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

What DID you do before becoming unemployed?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:21, Reply)

You need bread for bread.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:09, Reply)

I wouldn't even try my card

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:09, Reply)

Evening Amberl.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:11, Reply)

Evening

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:12, Reply)

I said 'evening' in the last thread!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:13, Reply)

Did you?
I thought that thread had died.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:14, Reply)

It did.
When I said 'evening' to you.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:15, Reply)

EVENING!

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:18, Reply)

Well done TD
This thread is DEAD now.

*Waves*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:19, Reply)

I don't care about you lot
I am death to my own garden.

I'm a walking death.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:22, Reply)

I believe you are fibbing.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:24, Reply)

Evening Jeff
satisfying day?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:16, Reply)

Yeah, not bad.
I bought a scarf AND some socks.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:16, Reply)

Good work that man
I hope it was a good scarf
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:17, Reply)

Nah, I don't spend big money on things I tend to leave in pubs.
I probably buy half a dozen scarves a year.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:18, Reply)

I like scarves
they're very cheerful
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

The scarf I bought today is brown, black and grey.
It isn't very cheerful.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:22, Reply)

Does it have tassels?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:24, Reply)

It does have a tassly end. Yes.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:25, Reply)

Did it come with a bobble hat?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:28, Reply)

There was a hat option, but I opted out as, whilst I like hats. I wasn't that keep on the hat that looked like it matched.
I'll buy some more hats soon.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:30, Reply)

My card sets off povvo alarms :-(

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:12, Reply)

Is that your pier loyalty card?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:13, Reply)

They won't let me have one of those. Apparently I don't go there often enough.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:16, Reply)

Fuckers.
Tell them that if they don't give you a loyalty card, and dust the bar, you'll burn the place down.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:17, Reply)

ask us a question from your quiz!
we need challenges
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:18, Reply)

What inventor was known as the wizard of menlow park?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:22, Reply)

Easy.
Roy Wood.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:22, Reply)

this is why I'm no good at quizzes
perhaps we should steal you guys for our team
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:23, Reply)

What if the answer isn't Roy Wood.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:26, Reply)

Wizard with 2 'z's is Rincewind.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:27, Reply)

You're Rincewind. And so is your FACE.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:29, Reply)

*cries*

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:30, Reply)

I didn't mean you
you might be good on certain limited subjects, like 80s TV
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:30, Reply)

Yeah. I'm good with retro tv and Bristol City Football Club.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:31, Reply)

I bet you're glad you didn't steal Barnsley's shit manager now.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:40, Reply)

Yeah. Although we are still bottom of the table.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:41, Reply)

Edison

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:24, Reply)

I hope there was no noodling

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:24, Reply)

Stupid phone. I mean googling.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:25, Reply)

No
I can go into a lot of depth about Menlo Park, NJ.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:27, Reply)

Got any sport questions?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:25, Reply)

Not yet. But we played our joker on the right round, so we can afford to take the hit on the sport round.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:26, Reply)

When they come let us know

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:30, Reply)

Did you tidy up?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:13, Reply)

I did
got up at six, and did eight solid hours. Exhausted now
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:16, Reply)

Good work

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

alright quendoids?
I had Laphroaig today and I was reminded of why I don't like it.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:17, Reply)

Too smoky?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:18, Reply)

Alice! Alice! Who the fuck is Alice!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:19, Reply)

Kevin Bloody Wilson FTW

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:23, Reply)

Wasn't his version "living next door to Abo's" ?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:26, Reply)

Yes it was
Well done.

I think the version that Jeff is thinking of was a Roy "Chubby" Brown collaberation.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:29, Reply)

Indeed it was.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:36, Reply)

It's just too bitter and lacks depth.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

Bit like me

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:22, Reply)

I had some 18 year old Macallan
and was reminded of why I liked it :)
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:19, Reply)

I find it overrated.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

I like Macallan
personal preference I guess
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:24, Reply)

Of course.
I had it in Italy, and it was so hot that there was a layer of evaporated alcohol above the surface of the drink. Ruined the taste and has put me off it. My favourites are Auchentoshan, An cnoc and Glenfarclas.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:26, Reply)

I just got mugged at the pub.
Nine quid for scampi and chips with a pint. There were eight pieces of scampi. EIGHT.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:25, Reply)

I got raped in the pub the other week
A fiver for a pint of Peroni.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:27, Reply)

i paid 5.50 euros for some chips in marbs

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:28, Reply)

It was £4.50 for a double burger, chips, onion rings and a pint.
But the pint was Fosters so I gave it a swerve. I could have got two days worth of food for nine quid.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:28, Reply)

That is better value than Ashton Gate
When a burger, chips and a small bottle of coke is £5.20
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:35, Reply)

Eight dollars for half a pint of magners over here
Disgusting, and the price
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:31, Reply)

Get on the JD then Bob

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:32, Reply)

Last night I drank mostly sambuca and vodka lime and lemonade

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:34, Reply)

I hope they've been asking you for ID in every bar you do to.
I've seen them do that on the telly.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:34, Reply)

Still only twice for booze but loads for tobacco
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:38, Reply)

I'm sure you're quite the cowboy.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:39, Reply)

Got the bum less chaps on right now

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:41, Reply)

Big gang of us - 12 - all got hossed for ID in Alberqurque
Oldest was Derek (70) and youngest was Rogz (36) but we all got hossed.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:41, Reply)

Nothing like being on the safe side.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:46, Reply)

Get on the beer then, mongy!
US Beer is topper, and far better than the shite we drink here.

Keep off the big names though.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:36, Reply)

Only like cider or shots
Never enjoyed lager or ale
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:38, Reply)

Cider is fucking hanging.
So is ale.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:48, Reply)

If you ever head to the West Country, I'll take you out for proper cider.
None of that fizzy shit.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:49, Reply)

It's all sickly and disgusting.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:30, Reply)

We get nice cider in the west

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:55, Reply)

tim not got any work on?
mind you i dunno if that fuckers dead i ent heard from him in months
( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:27, Reply)

Running a new business somewhere else last I heard.

( WormuIus, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 12:34, Reply)

I'm watching Louis Theroux
What are you watching?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:46, Reply)

Camelot, another good show cancelled after one series

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:47, Reply)

The lottery is on every Saturday.
What are you on about.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:48, Reply)

Were the machines called Arthur and Guinevere or am I making that up

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:48, Reply)

I'm not sure.
I think so.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:49, Reply)

They missed a trick there

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:52, Reply)

The internet
D'you think they'll re-run the Thereaux v Saville episode or do you think it'll be too embarrassing?

Got a message from my mate in Kinlochleven (where Saville owned a flat) this morning.

"Flags up. No more skanky prozzies."
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:51, Reply)

I just think it's a shame that he never had any kids (well, fathered any kids to be more accurate)
They could have a shrine to his tracksuits, just like he did with 'The duchess' and her wardrobe of clobber.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:52, Reply)

Was he a bit creepy? Or misunderstood

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:56, Reply)

he was a necro.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:00, Reply)

I've heard that
not sure if it was true
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:04, Reply)

Ask Monty.
Remind him of Sarah Greene and the pool table, and Debbie McGee and the alsation.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:06, Reply)

Sarah Greene is an urban myth.
But google Sarah Cornley.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:09, Reply)

Re Saville Out-takes from Have I got news for you,. This was actually recorded during the last series of Have I Got news for you' when Jimmy Saville was a guest on Paul Merton's team.
Out-take 3:09'36
During the headline round:

HISLOP: Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves)
Hello! (Audience laughs)

DEAYTON: Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...

SAVILLE: I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always
done so. They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...

MERTON: What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse?
(Audi laughs)

FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here.
It's...

MERTON: Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself.
Carry on...

DEAYTON: Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler
didn't you? (Huge audience laugh)

SAVILLE: (Calmly) I did.

DEAYTON: You didn't have a nickname or anything?

SAVILLE: Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)
___________________________________
Out-take 4: 21'20
Following a discussion about caravans:

DEAYTON: Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta.
Asked by the...

MERTON: I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.

SAVILLE: Did you really?

MERTON: Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit
of a poke. (Audience laugh)

HISLOP: He just told you, it was twelve years ago...

SAVILLE: No, I lived in it for twelve years.

MERTON: And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON: Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.

MERTON: (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on
your show, wasn't it? (Audience laugh)

SAVILLE: No, they never did want me.

HISLOP: Not even Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE: She was an exception.

DEAYTON: Who's Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE: Sarah Cornley is...

HISLOP: About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? (Uncertain
audience laugh)

SAVILLE: That's right.

HISLOP: So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break
her arm if she said anything...

SAVILLE: You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her
arms.(Audience unease)

MERTON: Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell
suit and cigar wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.

SAVILLE: Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me
by...

MERTON: We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James
Saville OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this
depressing old fucked up cunt of a fucker on television who's riddled
with cancer and fucking pubic lice.

HISLOP: (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)

MERTON: Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking
lawyers are involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything.

DEAYTON: (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?

MERTON: No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll
expect a comedy walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke
-
I'm going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of
character. And Ian knows about football - oh my fucking sides.

SAVILLE: You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.

MERTON: Oh fuck off...

FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) ...About five minutes, just to...(Phil Davey
enters)

PHIL DAVEY: OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled
by that, aren't you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam
recently...

RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON
AWAITING HIS CUE

DEAYTON: OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore
sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the New York Times about his
relaxed acting style...
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:14, Reply)

That could of course be a spoof, written by Chris Morris and Victor Lewis-Smith.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:16, Reply)

Is it?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:17, Reply)

It reads like one to be honest

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:20, Reply)

Could be.
How would someone taking down a transcript know that 'miners' was a pun? Anyway, there have been rumours about it for decades. If you've read Ecstasy by Irvine Welsh, that's who the necro TV personality is based on.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:20, Reply)

Maybe
He was well into very young girls. The Spencer Place (Leeds) market will miss him.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:06, Reply)

Mr b3th trying to identify films from still shots.
It's actually not that entertaining.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:53, Reply)

still cum

*Porn lolz*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:55, Reply)

We just had a question about Wizzard!
Can you name their 2 no 1 hits?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:59, Reply)

I wish it could be christmas everyday (must have got to number one)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:03, Reply)

I don't know any others though.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:03, Reply)

That's what I thought, but no. that only got to no 4

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:03, Reply)

'See my baby jive'
And 'Angel Fingers' according to the Internet.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:04, Reply)

That's not how it works.
We got the first one, but not the second.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:06, Reply)

Sorry.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:07, Reply)

guinea pigs chasing each other round in circles

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:56, Reply)

Caged animals.
Louis might take some cameras around to see you.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 21:57, Reply)

Bedtime!
I'm doing some real work tomorrow!

Night!x
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:15, Reply)

Good stuff mate!
Gaz me in the week if you want to catch up.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:19, Reply)