Alright you bunch of toilet brush-licking fetid self abusing shitcunts?
I have had to write an advert to get rid of a cat. What's the last thing you had to get rid of that you didn't really want to?

Alt: write an advert that puts a B3tan up for sale.

BTW - I couldn't give a flying turd what you got up to at the weekend, however I am sure some of you will want to bore others with details of your activities.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:07, 107 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

That's a bit polite for you
Poor cat. I would take her but I am so allergic :(

Alt: house trained music and film buff for sale. Comes with free record collection for separate resale and warp-speed rolling abilities. 2012 model has flowing silky locks for hours of brushing and plaiting fun. £10 OnO. Purchaser to collect. No time wasters.

Fairly quiet weekend for me thanks so much for asking - went to Rochester for the day with a friend on sat and saw the ex yesterday
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:16, Reply)

Isn't Rochester supposed to be a shitpit?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:18, Reply)

It seems so
High street is pretty. I wanted to go to the uk's biggest second hand bookshop
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:20, Reply)

I thought that was in Alnwick?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:53, Reply)

So did I, next to a roundabout. I got done for speeding there last year. 34 in a 30.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:54, Reply)

That's the one
scarpe had some photos on FB of it a while ago
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:18, Reply)

Morning Battered, sorry you've got to get rid of the cat - cats are ace.
Last thing I reluctantly got rid of? It was years ago when I was getting divorced that I had to sell my Westfield kit car. I was quite upset at the time.
Alt: 'Toilet brush-licking fetid self abusing shitcunts for sale, Large selection'

Weekend was good to excellent. Lowest point was a psychometric online test, high point was a quiet intimate dinner with my lovely G/F.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:29, Reply)

Life underachiever, bedsit, false sense of entitlement, fat, barely literate, mum, generic computer game lover, fat, bullied, cockcheese, crusty duvet lover - seeks life partner
there's at least ten who fit this bill
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:29, Reply)

Alright Rory
Have you kept count of the number of times you've been stepped?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:32, Reply)

It's like you can't say anything these days, Julian Assange was right all along, turns out scaryd*ck really does fist kids

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:50, Reply)

wikipaedia?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:56, Reply)

i don't know why he gets so upset with all this loose talk

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:00, Reply)

I would imagine that it is to do with you accusing him of violating his kids
Just guessin'
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:13, Reply)

alright?
I've lost my keys :'(
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:30, Reply)

my keys :'( any hope of ever losing my virginity.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:33, Reply)

this is true.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:34, Reply)

I know.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:34, Reply)

keys topaz cufflinks
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:45, Reply)

the keys to the leisure center?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:57, Reply)

Ha.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:57, Reply)

Smug, judgemental gossip available for sale.
Resemblance to lolwaqqqi 80s TV inventor uncanny. Available upon return from global circumnavigation race, in c.80 days. WARNING: cycling ability poor. Positive enquirers only please.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:49, Reply)

+ purchaser must have a steady supply of antidepressants and moustache wax available.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:53, Reply)

is this another joke about me?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:55, Reply)

No.
Actually I am curious to know why on earth you think it is.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:59, Reply)

rofls is why
Plus, I am massively self-centred.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:06, Reply)

And look like Wilf Lunn?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:12, Reply)

I give up, who is this?
Morning hippy.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:01, Reply)

CQ

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:02, Reply)

Morning, chutney.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:02, Reply)

A massive blister on my foot caused by drunken antics on Friday night
After getting on the wrong Metro home I had to run 4 miles home uphill, pissed as a cunt, in boots

Alt:
Bovine fool. Requires daily milking and coffee
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:55, Reply)

Why didn't you phone for a taxi?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:57, Reply)

See above - fool

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:58, Reply)

Why did you have to run?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:58, Reply)

Beer

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:58, Reply)

beer doesn't make you run.
Well, it doesn't me, it makes me talk shite and fall asleep.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:00, Reply)

For some reason (sambuca), it seemed like the only sensible way to get home
My shins are fucking killing me
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:01, Reply)

I have some bloody gorgeous black sambucca I got for my birthday
Far too easy to sit and drink and then wake up unable to move without your head falling off, though.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:24, Reply)

I had normal, black and raspberry sambuca on Friday
I don't like sambuca
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:28, Reply)

And yet you drank it
Do you have a problem? Should you be left alone with a bottle of methylated spirits?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:36, Reply)

Only on weekends

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:39, Reply)

Darth was behind him, carrying a large bottle of lube.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:59, Reply)

How about ,"Good home wanted for cat". cats are ace. Particularly the way they expect you to operate a tin opener.
Alt, I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to pay.
Alt alt, pub and watching the racing, also a barbecue which involved much meat and jlooity. Fuck, what a shit reply.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 8:59, Reply)

I'm back from my holiday to find my B3ta proxy has been ban hammered by IT
So this is the end, my only friend, the end...

I may post from my phone occasionally though
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:13, Reply)

:((((((((((((

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:14, Reply)

INORITE!!
God forbid I may now do some work occasionally
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:18, Reply)

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:18, Reply)

I am genuinely well gutted.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:20, Reply)

Is there another proxy that works?
b3ta.com is OK in our work (due to me being in charge of which sites are banned)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:24, Reply)

You are asking precisely the wrong person here.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:27, Reply)

I'm opening it up to the group
(like Darth on a weekend)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:28, Reply)

[ ! ]

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:28, Reply)

Use a mirror site.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:15, Reply)

www.mirror.co.uk/

Done. Now what?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:16, Reply)

www.chandeliersandmirrors.co.uk

?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:18, Reply)

please help him find one
this place will not be the same with no ape shenanigans
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 10:02, Reply)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:16, Reply)

:(

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:16, Reply)

You've spolied an excellent opportunity to have flounced off in style
Christ Naked Ape you're such a dullard
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:32, Reply)

I got rid of my Motorbike,
The accident sapped my confidence, and I wasn't safe out there anymore, so it went. Any dry sunny day I wish I had never sold it, and now I've got a stupid car I can't afford to run both.

Adorable experimental chef for sale, slight damage to plumbing, good listener. Virgin. Any offers considered.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:16, Reply)

I miss my motorbike. Would be irresponsible to have one now I am a father, particularly as I like sports bikes.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:17, Reply)

Battered's speeding ticket

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:19, Reply)

Sports bikes are gay.
I bet you had one of those all in one leather jumpsuits with stripes, and absolutely no damage to the kneeplates because you were too scared to really lean in to a corner.
I had old cafe racers, the last one was a 71 cb500 four, custom to fit my height, clip ons. Could outpace most modern heavy sports bikes because those cunts never learnt to ride properly.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:40, Reply)

I had a 600rr and then a fireblade. Two piece Alpine Star leathers and I went through plenty of kneepads, particularly on trackdays.
I want a GSXR 750.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:42, Reply)

i want a gsxr too.
Strip em down, sort the exhaust out, and whoooosh.
I never rode a fireblade, but I took a 600 rr around thruxton, that was intense.
Sorry about the gay thing, most "bikers" I meet in to big sports bikes are in it for the look, but can't ride for shit.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:59, Reply)

No offense taken.
a lot of bikers are cunts.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 10:01, Reply)

Ummmm I think the horse I had for three years. Giving her up when I moved out of home, so a new family could love her and ride her was really hard..
However I am absolutely ecstatic at the moment. Despite all the crap that's happened recently, I've been given the green light to be part of the research program for third years -- typically only two or three students at each campus get in, and they get mentored and spend two days in the lab each week. I am SO thrilled.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:20, Reply)

I too, have found giving up the horse to be extremely difficult.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:23, Reply)

I say, well played there

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:25, Reply)

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:27, Reply)

I am happy to provide those if I am the successful applicant.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:30, Reply)

I don't know what horse is slang for Monty.
Educate me and my innocent ways.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:33, Reply)

shetland
shetland is what horse is slang for monty
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:34, Reply)

This is correct.
I got fucking Orkneyed yesterday as well. Terrible behaviour.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:36, Reply)

i always thought you were more of an Arappaloosa

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:36, Reply)

:o((((

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:38, Reply)

SORRY
i mean an Arabian Shagyar
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:38, Reply)

More like a mule.
DID YOU SEE MY HILARIOUS DRUG REFERENCE THERE???? HA HA HA HA HA HA
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:44, Reply)

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:46, Reply)

(PsychoChomp, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:45, Reply)

Well that went well...

(PsychoChomp, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:47, Reply)

you're shit psychochomp
go home
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:47, Reply)

I wish you were my boss.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:48, Reply)

you're hired!

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:51, Reply)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:49, Reply)

yes battered, you got annoying years ago

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:51, Reply)

But it's sparkly and pretty!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:52, Reply)

his is brown though
reminds me of louise's favourite phrase, 'you can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter'
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:53, Reply)

Where else would we have got Foxtrot?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:56, Reply)

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:53, Reply)

\o/
woop!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:23, Reply)

Congrats!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:28, Reply)

I had to get rid of my car on the cheap when I moved to London
Didn't really want to, but to be honest I've not really missed it.

Alt: "Awful pun machine, Not suitable for home with dogs."

Altalt: Few pints with Monty on Friday, up to Birmingham for football ( we my team won ) and more pints on Saturday, fasting on Sunday (and today if I can manage it).

To be fair I think I ended up having nearer 900 than 600 calories yesterday, I'm easing into it. Turns out a tiny spicy chicken wrap has like 450 calories. Bloody hell.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:23, Reply)

I dread to think what my calorie intake was yesterday.
Many thousands, I suspect. I ate BAD FOOD and drank ferociously.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:26, Reply)

Amazing what you can find in the bins round the back of Asda eh?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:27, Reply)

You are so right!
'You sucking off a vagrant' was NOT what I was expecting.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Must of been nice for you to bump in to your dad though.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:31, Reply)

etc.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:32, Reply)

500 cal days suck, sympathy fives
i am on day 6 today. but i feel smug as i haven't cheated once, not even with a sneaky sip of diet coke.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:45, Reply)

Why can't you have diet coke when you're fasting? It's got no calories in it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:47, Reply)

because the citric acid kicks you out of ketosis
if you're in ketosis and burning fat, it is seriously weird, you just don't feel hungry at all, even on 500 cals a day. if you're not in ketosis, you could eat a monkey's miscarriage all the time. just not worth it.

technically coke zero and dr pepper zero don't have citric acid, so would be ok, but a big part of the reason for doing the diet was to cut back on the amount of diet pop i was drinking, as i just don't have the willpower to get rid of it any other way!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:57, Reply)

I'm not used to counting calories
I am discovering that 600 calories (men get more because we're better) is hardly anything. Really, calling it "fasting" should have tipped me off, but it's come as an unpleasant surprise.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:59, Reply)

the original calorie counters of the 70's and 80's stuck to 1,000 cals a day, it's HARD
it's hard to fit 3 meals and 2 healthy snacks into 1,000 cals. ok, so day 1 you could have:

belvita breakfast biscuits (250 cals)
glass orange juice (150 cals)
apple (40 cals)
soup (300 cals)
pear (40 cals)

oh wait, that leaves... precisely 220 cals for dinner. so a piece of fish or chicken and salad with no dressing. and nothing for alcohol. WOOHOO.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 10:01, Reply)

I had weetabix for breakfast with semi-skimmed milk
a couple of swigs of OJ and a mug of tea with the same milk. I have an apple for lunch and a chicken breast with some peas for dinner.

I have researched calories for tea with milk and may pick up some green tea at lunchtime to avoid those extra 10-15.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 10:47, Reply)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Morning, twatbucket.
At the moment I'm on a declutter trip, so I'm finding it very easy to get rid of stuff I thought I would miss. Turns out you actually don't need to surround yourself with 'stuff'. Who knew?

Alt: lawyer Barbie for sale. Comes with all accessories, including luxury townhouse and sports car. Ken sold separately. (ken sold in twin pack with other Ken only).
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:51, Reply)

:((

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:58, Reply)

Ideal
I hope one of the Ken's is wearing leather arse-less chaps and a big droopy moustache.

That's Darth's Chrimbo prezzie sorted anyway.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 3 Sep 2012, 10:28, Reply)