Let's stop getting religious.
Just read a v lol story in the Sun in our staffroom whilst the kettle was boiling. Jason Manford paid £60 for some cybersex nonsense with this stripper who said 'usually people ask me all sorts of perverted things but he asked me which comedians I liked on TV and that seemed to get him aroused'. Hahahaha 'yes, keep going...Michael McIntyre you say? Who else, you dirty bitch? Lee Evans? Oh yeah baby'

Hahahaha

EDIT: I am going out for a nommy on-trend hipster burger tonight. What's pulling your pork at the moment?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:33, 159 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

You pleb.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:34, Reply)

Soz to laugh at your fave comedian.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:37, Reply)

That's his job.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:45, Reply)

The Sun?
Seriously?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:37, Reply)

Incredibly my warehouse staff's copy of the Times Literary Supplement seems to have gone 'walkies'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:40, Reply)

You should know better than to touch that rag
Just holding it makes your fingers stupider. I bet your spellcheck is working overtime right now.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)

Please sir what is a the Sun?

( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:37, Reply)

It's like a comic book with bosoms.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:38, Reply)

Cool I might pick one up for the 'lads'

( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:39, Reply)

I was watching his DVD last night.
He does strike me as being a perverted bastard. Apparently his younger brother is a stand-up too.

In other news, any of you married types fancy this? http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/inspiration-mars-call-volunteer-married-1734650
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:38, Reply)

Not clicking that might be a virus
or worse a link to the "Mirror"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:19, Reply)

What's a Jason Manford?

( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:38, Reply)

Dunno but his sons like to bang around with banjos

( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:38, Reply)

Are they the ones that do that hey little lying man song?

( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:39, Reply)

Yeah and the Americans seem to like them and voted them Top Band at the Oscars

( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:40, Reply)

Do they sound Irish? Americans are all Irish, you understand.
They go nuts for stuff that might remind their great-great-great-great-grandfathers about the "old" country.
( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:42, Reply)

Ah you mean 'Irish-American'.
I've yet to meet an American-American but I should think there must be quite a few by now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:42, Reply)

They're all on reservations being alcoholics, and gambling

( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:50, Reply)

When they find out they're from London it'll all be over
Sad times for ol' tommy mafford
( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:43, Reply)

Some kind of peasant entertainer, I understand.
I recognised his face.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:39, Reply)

Sounds perfectly dreadful.

( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:39, Reply)

I should imagine he's *quite* the popular turn in places like Blackpool.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:41, Reply)

Ah, I see. Like that ugly chap with the feather duster.
The feather duster chap's dad had an Irish Setter, I believe. Good little gun dog. Dead now. Very sad.
( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:42, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:46, Reply)

I am in an absolutely top mood today Monters.
*good mood fives*
( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)

Is this because Apey has taken the rap for your speeding?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:48, Reply)

"yes officer, my name is, er, Naked Ape. Yes. N-A-K-E-D"

( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:49, Reply)

He's no Colin Brewer, that's for sure.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:40, Reply)

A fayre assumption

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:48, Reply)

Jason Manford strikes me as the comedic equivalent of an overly-milky, weak coffee.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:40, Reply)

I don't think that's milk.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:41, Reply)

Or coffee.
Fuck it - this is just a glass of water!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:41, Reply)

£60 for a wank?!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:41, Reply)

Yeah go on then.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:42, Reply)

Well £10 for a wank £50 for audience research.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:43, Reply)

Wanker in wanking shock

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:45, Reply)

We're going up to the 'bier halle' for food tonight
It might be shit considering they have a spelling mistake on their menu
( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:42, Reply)

You should tell them it's spelled 'oboejean'

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)

Yeah, it should be "Beer" and "Hall"

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)

Are you having "desert" tonight?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:45, Reply)

Are you talking about his sex life?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:45, Reply)

maybe

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:45, Reply)

then no

( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:46, Reply)

Nick Swardson is my favorite, kinda cute in that dorky way
Whats a hipster burger anyway
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)

Ironic McDonalds

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:45, Reply)

Ironald McDonald

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:46, Reply)

I'm going to get a "slightly disappointing" meal

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)

irofflepops

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)

iRonald would be more hipster, please edit.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:51, Reply)

London is full of pop-up hipster joints doing 'artisan burgers' and southern-style barbecue for lots of money, at the moment.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)

Every bun is Brioche...

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:48, Reply)

Oh do you get tyhis in Milton keynes as well?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:22, Reply)

i had an "artisan" chicken sandwich with ciabatta heirloom tomato and aged cheddar cheese, according to the menu
It turned out to be a regular bun, dry chicken lump, regular tomato and american cheese
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:50, Reply)

That sounds right up my elm-lined avenue
"Oi, two quarterpounders, Tarquin, and heavy on the fucking Tommy sauce, yeah?"
( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:50, Reply)

"You fuck-haird cunt."

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:53, Reply)

I approve of this insult.

( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:04, Reply)

Yup. A chap I worked with had a "parma and jarlsberg chiabatta" for just £4.95.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:53, Reply)

Poor artisan, it's such an ill-used word at the moment :(

( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:55, Reply)

Are you going to the burger place I linked to?
Let me know how it is.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)

www.yelp.co.uk/biz/lucky-chip-london
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:54, Reply)

Yeah, that's the one.
The onion rings look good as well.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:57, Reply)

How's the brown bread ice cream?

( Theoban What of it, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:58, Reply)

It's especially nice in a cup.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:01, Reply)

Nice !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:02, Reply)

Are you sure they're there?
I thought it was just Saturdays now as they're at the Sebright in the week.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:12, Reply)

That's true according to the website.
Although I do like the idea of Stunned and Monty drunk wandering round a car park.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:15, Reply)

Perhaps I should delete my post before they see it then for maximum lolz

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:20, Reply)

Where's the burger? I love burger joints. I'm gonna get a load of lamb chops with rice tonight, well fancy that big time.
Although that's a funny story, it does make me wonder how it managed to get printed in the paper... did the women ring up the newsroom or something?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:48, Reply)

see above

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:55, Reply)

I may see you there, oddly enough.
I'm in town the next few nights on various escapades and I've been meaning to try that out.

So if you see me, don't make eye contact, yeah? I don't want office doris to know I keep such scruffy company.
( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:59, Reply)

when's the b4sh?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:23, Reply)

dunno who that is, soz, sounds like a cunt, don't fill in the crossword though, saving that for lunchtime

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 12:49, Reply)

Nigella Lawson is in the paper looking H A W T
She's an ubermilf or sutin
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:08, Reply)

How old is she now?
She's got to be getting close to inclusion on my Over Fifties That I Definitely Would list.
( Kroney, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:08, Reply)

53

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:22, Reply)

under all those layers of spanxs and gussets, she just a formless lump of lard and hair

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:23, Reply)

mmmmm, gussets....

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:30, Reply)

dirtiest word in the English language after 'job'

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:30, Reply)

Which paper?
Link me up man.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:55, Reply)

Check this out
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/28/survived-deadliest-meal-world
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:08, Reply)

Bit too waqqqi for my likes

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:20, Reply)

Well now I'm looking on those "Which b3tans do you like?" threads with a different perspective.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:14, Reply)

which b3tan do you imagine has the most manageable hair?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:33, Reply)

Can we do a quick bit of FOOTBALL CHAT
I heard Benitez little strop yesterday, that was well lol.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:25, Reply)

no.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:26, Reply)

It was like a flounce but on the bbc!

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:30, Reply)

meh and double meh

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:32, Reply)

is he one of the ball kickers?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:35, Reply)

He's one of the older shouty ones.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:36, Reply)

Fat Spanish Waiter, as the fans call him

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:07, Reply)

my apple is too warm : (

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:27, Reply)

are you holding it wrong?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:34, Reply)

i dunno, have you got some instructions?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:35, Reply)

you will need to compare part numbers to find which is the
most appropriate method for your item
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:50, Reply)

Babies arm lolz

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:35, Reply)

It was an iPhone joke.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:36, Reply)

Cox

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:37, Reply)

Mines better
so there
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:37, Reply)

Fucking hell, that's just bizarre.
Alt: New sandwich place in town, going there at least once a week at the minute. Got a large jacket potato with chilli and cheese for £3.50, damn good too.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:37, Reply)

You got a jacket potato, chilli and cheese in a sandwich?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:39, Reply)

No, a tray

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:39, Reply)

that's just bizarre

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:40, Reply)

Are you in prison?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:40, Reply)

I always prefer it when they put the cheese under the chilli so it melts
it never melts properly on top, unless it's a posh place with a grill

jackpotatchat
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:47, Reply)

does everybody cut a cross or do people just do lengthways?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:52, Reply)

lengthways
I tend to microwave my potatoes, then crisp them in the oven, it's the best compromise between speed and crispyness.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:52, Reply)

When i'm at home I fry some nommy chorizo cubes and add them to the beans with some chilli flakes, sweetcorn and tomato puree

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:54, Reply)

butter?
which fillings require this precondiment?
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:52, Reply)

I can't get potatoes "out and about" as when they put the butter on they don't mash it in
and it just runs down the side
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:53, Reply)

They mash it in at this place

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:58, Reply)

Yeah, well I'll be watching them -_-
and they had better use butter not marg
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:00, Reply)

how do people deal with the cold tuna mayo- hot potato dichotomy?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:53, Reply)

I don't eat tuna mayo, that tends to sort that one.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:58, Reply)

Does anyone find the need to re-salt the potato after the intial layers of salty potato have been consumed?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:54, Reply)

more important is pepper
gashings of black pepper
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:55, Reply)

Is manford the cunt dancing on those broadband adverts?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:47, Reply)

nah, it's this cunt: www.thecraigmurray.com/photos.htm
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:50, Reply)

oh wow, that guy can pull off casual from any angle

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:51, Reply)

Great gallery

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:52, Reply)

Lol
www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/feb/27/marijuana-cannon-us-border-seized-mexico
(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:49, Reply)

This should be a scrapheap challenge episode

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:50, Reply)

You should fix one of them to the top of your car to intimidate
People that go to slow on the A3

You might want to change the ballistics though it seems a bit expensive
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:00, Reply)

sounds like a plan, i may convert it to fire concrete bollards

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:03, Reply)

genius!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:00, Reply)

My new phone is much bigger than my old one, Montalban
I'm a little intimidated by it. Perhaps it's too big.
On the plus side, I've already learned a couple of songs on me Uke.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:54, Reply)

play us a tune

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:55, Reply)

*plays While my Ukulele Gently Weeps*
*weeps*
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:00, Reply)

if you are playing a ukelele maybe you are too small for your phone

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:57, Reply)

Oh shit, I didn't think of that

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:59, Reply)

What phone have you got?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 13:59, Reply)

Samsung Galaxy S3

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:00, Reply)

They're pretty big, but they're light and easy to hold so you'll get used to it soon enough.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:01, Reply)

Yeah, I expect so
A long time ago I had one called a Lobster (I forget the brand) and that was unbelievably tiny.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:03, Reply)

www.trustedreviews.com/Virgin-Mobile-Lobster-700TV-Mobile-Phone_Mobile-Phone_review

this was my first ever phone, it had a 3x AA battery pack:

www.modip.ac.uk/sites/modip/images/large/002900_1.jpg
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:05, Reply)

The Sony mars bar was mine around about 1992

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:07, Reply)

dat iz coz U iz well old bruv

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:10, Reply)

It's true
Cries
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:12, Reply)

I was a bit late to mobile phones
I really didn't like them, didn't like the idea of them, thought that pretty much everyone didn't need one. Then I figured, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:11, Reply)

that looks like it would need a lot of vaseline

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:23, Reply)

Nah man, it was the flip version
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Lobster-485-mobile-phone-virgin-network-small-camera-flip-phone-/271149444160?pt=UK_Mobile_Phones&hash=item3f21c42c40

Can't remember the very first one I had though. I think it was Ericcson one that was Tomb Raider packaged. Wasn't a fan of Tomb Raider, I just liked the phone:
www.mobileextras.com.au/Portals/0/ProductImages/ericsson_t20.jpg
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:10, Reply)

That was Boss the Ericsson, fucking tiny as well

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:12, Reply)

It really was
I was worried I might drop it inside my ear
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:19, Reply)

I've just seen that the Microsoft "Surface" is wifi only
how gash is that?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:02, Reply)

Is it? Missing a trick there

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:05, Reply)

which is interesting as their advert mainly shows people using it outside

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:10, Reply)

That's rubbish.
WiFi is subject to environmental factors and all sorts. Unless you're in the habit of walking about whilst typing (ie on a phone) cabled is always better.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 14:14, Reply)