Fuck that short-arsed prick.
I'm going out playing cribbage tonight. What old peoples' activities are YOU engaging in?

Also: Jim Davidson has been re-arrested by Operation Yewtree. What bits of your past could land you in the shit?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 19:51, 153 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Your mum, of course.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 19:52, Reply)

What Tangles said.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 19:52, Reply)

gonna fuck things up for the next generation a mo

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 19:52, Reply)

Tangles speaks for me.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 19:56, Reply)

Ha ha
That makes you a Midlands spastic then.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 19:57, Reply)

Only on this subject for the moment. You Brizzle twat.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 19:59, Reply)

Ooh-arr! Zyder I up, landlord!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:00, Reply)

I want your combine harvester.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:00, Reply)

*offers key*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:01, Reply)

I've got 43 acres just for you x

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:02, Reply)

Battered is a sex offender

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:05, Reply)

Did you get that job?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:07, Reply)

I'll gaz you.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:10, Reply)

Okay.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:11, Reply)

Good Question
Did you?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:11, Reply)

I'll gaz you

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:12, Reply)

well did you?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:13, Reply)

I'll gaz you

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:13, Reply)

I wouldn't have given you the job, based purely on how fucking long it takes you to send a gaz.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:17, Reply)

It might be a really cerebral job, requiring lots of thinking time
Besides, he's got a lot of people to gaz.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:20, Reply)

Do you think he might have ended up in a situation where it didn't go his way?
I'm sure we would have heard about it constantly if the clown footed prick had got it.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:21, Reply)

The signs are negative, I'd agree.
Would you say that's cause for gloating, though?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:24, Reply)

This *is* Battered you're talking about, remember.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:28, Reply)

actually Batts old boy, I've been ultra busy at work so not posting on here as often.
Plus I get the impression that nobody gives a flying shit about me, so why do a Chompy and bore you all with incessant updates about the minutiae of my days?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:25, Reply)

What did you wear to the interview?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:27, Reply)

clothes.
Plus some jewellery.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:28, Reply)

turquoise for both?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:32, Reply)

I'll gaz you.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:33, Reply)

i was hoping this was a joke
damn
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:40, Reply)

unlucky D:

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:45, Reply)

that is one bent tie

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:47, Reply)

it's one of my manliest ones.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:48, Reply)

i know

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:52, Reply)

"do a chompy" ?
shudder
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:27, Reply)

hee hee

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:28, Reply)

you'd know.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:29, Reply)

why? i'm not a hooker

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:31, Reply)

Hookers tend to get paid.
Or murdered. Murdered by Battered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:36, Reply)

you're built like a scrum half though.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:37, Reply)

you have no idea what i look like, you ridiculous little man

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:40, Reply)

The lucky cunt.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:40, Reply)

Except I do though xx

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:41, Reply)

* sends large bottle of mind bleach to York *

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:42, Reply)

*expresses extreme gratitude to Battered*

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:43, Reply)

no you don't
although i think someone once sent me a link to your blog or something

oh no wait, it was linked on here. ha!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:43, Reply)

yes I do.
Photobucket etc.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:44, Reply)

there was one shot on pb
that is not representative either way, foolish man.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:45, Reply)

Judging by that one pic there's no way I'd want to see any more.
Ever.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:47, Reply)

i have about ten million gazzes from you proclaiming the exact opposite

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:51, Reply)

ditto xx

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 21:02, Reply)

Would you employ a b3tan at all?
Given how much of their time they spend on the internet, you'd KNOW they wouldn't be giving it their 'all'.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:21, Reply)

I wouldn't.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:21, Reply)

How quickly would someone's feet hit the street
if they asked about the company's internet policy?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:25, Reply)

Depends on the job

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:28, Reply)

I don't want to know if you got it or not
So please don't gaz me.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:13, Reply)

I'll gaz you.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:16, Reply)

Cheers

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:18, Reply)

Cheers.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:20, Reply)

Shagging OAPs.
Well, one OAP. I'll start slow and work up to the whole care home.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:11, Reply)

How was Bristol?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:12, Reply)

full of people with really silly accents?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:13, Reply)

Haven't you got a whippet to walk and some pigeons to feed?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:14, Reply)

areet my loverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:15, Reply)

Eh up, it's reet tough when thee has got tut carry Hovis over them cobbles.
'Appen.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:16, Reply)

it's a foreign language. for retards. look:
Bristol dialect Standard English use
Where's that to? Where is it?
I was led down I was lying down
We was there yesterday We were there yesterday
I was sat/ I was stood I was sitting/I sat
I didn't do nothing I didn't do anything
Theirselves Themselves
Look at them people Look at those people
He do's it He does it
He can do it hisself He can do it himself
Casn't Can't
I looks at I looked at
Theys [real gems] They're [real gems]
Lush Nice/good
Gert/Gurt Really big
Mind [mid-sentence or used as a tag] You know what I mean?
Proper ['PrAprR] Good or 'decent'
They [kiddies] Those [kiddies]
Like [used in mid-sentence]
Laters See you later/goodbye
Babys/Babs/Bab Baby/affectionate term
Kiddie Teenager or youth
Me/My lover Mate/pal/dear
She's [got a nice finish] It goes all right
Scrage To scratch yourself
Hard 'en Usually a young person with an attitude
Babba Baby
Coopie down Crouch down
Slider Playground slide
Keener 'swot', or someone who works too hard
NeveR [emphasis on R] Never
AlaRm [mid-word emphasis on R] Alarm
Right [initial emphasis on R] Right
Rising intonation - using statements so they sound like questions
DrawLing [L pronounced within a word] Drawing
Area L [Bristol L specific to Area] Area
IdeaL [Bristol L specific to Idea] Idea
Funera [omission of L] Funeral
wURs [different vowel & R pronunciation] Worse
'ave, 'im [Silent initial H] Have, Him
Bath, Glass ['a' as in sat] Bath, Glass
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:20, Reply)

tl;dr

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:22, Reply)

pffft
cr more like, in your case
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:23, Reply)

I think not.
Haven't you got some hamster based flirting to do with Dozer rather than being inaccurate online?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:26, Reply)

in what way is bullying the closet pierced homo about his fetish for hamster fucking flirting?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:26, Reply)

I think you love him longtime

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:27, Reply)

ssssh
i've got a date lined up. if you're good, i'll tell you about that, then you can mock me for a real life thing, not a fictitious pant drop over dozer.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:28, Reply)

I have no interest. So please don't bother boring me about it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:30, Reply)

alright green eyes

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:31, Reply)

pfft. I think not.
Particularly after you made a pass at me in the taxi the other week. You must learn: not only are you unattractive, but I am married & faithful.

Your lack of social grace does you no favours.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:33, Reply)

yes that's exactly what happened
you crazy drunken eejit you
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:34, Reply)

Sober enough that I cannot remove the ghastly memory, no matter how much I wish I could.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:37, Reply)

my lasting recollection is of you desperately trying to stick a tenner down my top, my jeans, in my bag, anywhere...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:39, Reply)

Stop dreaming. Aint gonna happen.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:42, Reply)

thank fuck for that

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:43, Reply)

We know this can't be true
because battered couldn't reach down your top.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:45, Reply)

aha you're totally right
that's what happened.

it explains why the tenner fell out of my shoe later on.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:46, Reply)

Fell out your shoe....
So he did get the tenner in your cleavage then.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:47, Reply)

HA HA!

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:51, Reply)

silly jeff
it's battered whose shoes are built up to chest height, not me
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:51, Reply)

Actually, I think I am taller than you.
As well as being considerably more intelligent.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:53, Reply)

i'm five feet five and a half inches
and you only "think" you're taller than me?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:55, Reply)

I try not to think about your appearance, as it makes me want to vomit.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:56, Reply)

yeah, vomit spunk out through your tiny little cock

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:57, Reply)

No chance. You cause serious impotence.
People would rather shit in a bed with you than fuck you in it.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:58, Reply)

that's not what your wife said about me

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 21:01, Reply)

My wife has considerably better taste than that, after all, she married me.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 21:02, Reply)

Them's me daps, mind.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:22, Reply)

What are you telling me for, I live here.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:22, Reply)

In other words,
Don't tell I, tell 'ee.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:23, Reply)

Given your old man is so old, does he speak Latin rather than English?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:25, Reply)

ita vero

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:26, Reply)

Oi!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:27, Reply)

sorry
it's just us now that cavy's out getting laid every night
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:27, Reply)

Sisterly solidarity.
And people wonder why all my friends are men...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:34, Reply)

+ geriatric
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:36, Reply)

No, that's only my husband.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:38, Reply)

there's always jeff?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:39, Reply)

Is Jeff a girl?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:41, Reply)

Mods! I'm being picked on by your token gesture.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:42, Reply)

so i hear

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:42, Reply)

I heard it took you ages to adapt to living in the South
On account of bathrooms and barbecues.

Apparently, in the north you go outside to shit and you only ever prepare food in the 'parlour'.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:45, Reply)

you know i'm sending this to your mrs, right?
and you know she's from further oop north than i am, right?

heh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:46, Reply)

I hadn't thought of that.
Arse.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:48, Reply)

However your Missus is intelligent to see through thicky Swipe's attempt at shit stirring.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:52, Reply)

pfffffft

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:52, Reply)

She is.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:56, Reply)

:)

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:52, Reply)

I'll distract her with a lump
Of interestingly shaped coal. She'll be none the wiser.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:59, Reply)

I thought so.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:27, Reply)

Har.
De har har.

He's from Kent originally, so it's a weird mixture of east coast / west coast.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:26, Reply)

It broke my feet.
But the meeting was alright. Not as helpful as I expected, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it might achieve something.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:13, Reply)

Sorry I never had time to catch up with you.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:15, Reply)

It's alright.
I'd had enough of the place by 3 o'clock. If I'd had to wait till six I'd have ended up falling asleep in the cinema or something.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:16, Reply)

Alt: When I nonced those kids back in the 70s

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:16, Reply)

For some weird reason, I appear to be watching Masterchef.
It's like a cross between b3ta and gonz's facebook feed.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:18, Reply)

i like how they cut to old footage of them chefs' faces to give a narrative

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 20:47, Reply)