What do you do if you suspect your wife is a closet B3tard...?

I went home for lunch today, and was casually telling the present Mrs Pooflake about a situation at work (which I won't bore you with)

But subsequently, mid conversation, I used the expression: 'Basically, we're all in the same boat, and...'


"BOAT!" She shouts.

"Pardon?" I ask.

"BOAT!" She cries again

"What the fuck are you saying 'BOAT' for?" I ask

"Erm...no reason...BOAT" she chuckles.

This can't just be a coincidence.

I might have to watch my step a bit from now on...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:44, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Muahahaha
BOAT. It makes your lover psychic.

And it makes you big and strong, like Rhino-Whale.
(GONEism, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:46, Reply)

It's that..
..or you're hallucinating in a scary paranoid-delusion type way..
(lost, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:47, Reply)

that can't be coincidence
she must be b3tan, unless this thing has taken off faster than we could have imagined....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:48, Reply)

I reckon
we are on the cusp of a b3ta religion.
(GONEism, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:49, Reply)

another one?
have to ask the messiah how she feels about that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Oh Dear Lord!
There is no way that's a coincidence...

Does she know you're a B3tard?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Not B3ta...

More like BOAta...

that sounded better in my head
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:50, Reply)

It's always been my dream to start a religious cult
I just never realised that the online poll was the best way to go about it.

I wish L Ron was still alive. I'd ring him up for a punching-fight.
(GONEism, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:51, Reply)

@ Swordfish and the religion
We could call it a New World Oarder.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:53, Reply)

I think that's grounds
for a spangin'

Having said that, if it turns out my office computer has publisher on it I may spend this afternoon making a crude pamphlet. So any ideas for content will be most appreciated.
(GONEism, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:54, Reply)

But which board?
Due to the rapidity with which BOAT has spread, she could be any of /QotW, /OT or even.../talk...

It will thus be harder to narrow down who it is.

Or you could just ask her.

I am categorically not your wife.

Edit: "New World Oarder." You make me laugh as I spang your tender face.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:55, Reply)

Himjim
*groans*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:55, Reply)

You're going to have to provide some decent perks...

To prise us away from the lure of:

Heavenly Eternity
or being saved from damnation by a spaceship,
or becoming a fully fledged Jedi
or The other B3ta religion, which involves Weekly Wanking Wednesdays...

So what's your sales pitch?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:55, Reply)

I have 2 so far
1 - BOAT will make you big and strong, like Rhino-Whale.

2 - BOAT will make your kitty come back to life, even if you don't HAVE a kitty.
(GONEism, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:57, Reply)

I had a kitty once.
His name was Maurice.

I remember my Mum crying buckets when he was hit by a car.

If only someone could make our family whole again...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:58, Reply)

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGh
THERE'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE CAT TRYING TO BREAK IN THE WINDOW!

*flees, flailing*

Count me out of this religion; I don't like the cut of your jib.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:58, Reply)

*Fleas, flailing*

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:59, Reply)

What
if I had my jib re-cut?
(GONEism, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:59, Reply)

Every BOAT needs a well-cut jib
Assuming it has a sail.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:00, Reply)

If you had your jib re-cut
it's be plain sailing from then on.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:01, Reply)

Ummmm, sorry to be dense
but what the hell is this BOAT thing about? Am I missing something?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:01, Reply)

Yes Empress Bob
You're missing BOAT. From your life. Let it in now and you will be saved.

BOAT BOAT BOAT BOAT.

I'd like to draw everyone's attention to the daily poll, BOAT was the clear winner.

To BOAT or not to BOAT?

Clearly BOAT.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:08, Reply)

*dons dress*
*smears make up and puts on girl voice*

Helloooo, I am Mrs Pooflake, and I'd like you all to take turns at giving me DVDA
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:11, Reply)

You'll have to wait in line, Mrs Pooflake...

If there are four cocks available to dish out DVDA, then I've got first dibs on trying to shove them all up my chutney cupboard...

'cos I love it up me, I do.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:16, Reply)

You and me
we gots to get it on baby, I don't care how, I don't care when or where, but you and I, we gonna make face babies.

Boat Monketsex, you got ALL of the sexeh.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:19, Reply)

That's very kind of you, Mrs P...

But even YOU have standards...you wouldn't want to be caught with a jizz gargling mutant wankspanner like me.

Besides, I'm difficult to satisfy these days...I have to spend every waking moment with entire rotting pumpkins shoved up my diseased mud oven now, because love beads just don't 'cut it' anymore...
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:27, Reply)

I've never heard anything so sexy in my entire life
Normally, because Pooflake's tiny love mushroom can't stay rigid for more than ten seconds, I have to satisfy my cavernous front bottom using a marrow and Ronnie Corbett's head.

So, you'll do, and don't worry, I've got marrows and pumpkins to spare.

Let's just make sure that Pooflake doesn't find out, his already poor self esteem, and total lack of any kind of masculinity whatsoever would destroy him if he ever found out.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:29, Reply)

Bollocks to that...!

I'm still chuffed to read that you think I can stay rigid for TEN WHOLE SECONDS!!!

*prouds*

My wife must have me mistaken for somebody else. If I last more than 7.4 seconds, I tend to pass out through sheer blistering, diamond-cutting mushroom stonk-on POWER!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:37, Reply)

I am not her
or am I? What's your inside-leg measurement. If I'm Mrs Pooflake, then I'd tell you you're correct.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:37, Reply)

@Pooflake
Sorry honey, I mistook you for your brother, it's been so long since you and I actually engaged in coitus that I'd totally forgotten how inept you are. Mwah!

@Maudlin My inside leg is 3", I'm a dwarf.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:41, Reply)

Although I'm finding this strangely arousing...

All I can think about now is the casserole I can make with the after products of our rampant, post-double-figured-in-seconds thrust-a-thon.

Now where did I put my gargantuan casserole dish?

*looks up arse*

*finds dish...in cupboard...in kitchen...up arse*
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:42, Reply)

*visits Boat's arse*
Oh, it's like an Ikea showroom in here!
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 15:48, Reply)

BOOOOAT?
"More BOAT, Vicar?"
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 16:27, Reply)