another from my grandad:
"loughborough isn't pronounced LOOGABAROOGA"

yet again i am truly sorry
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 0:23, 2 replies)

me nan
my grandmother is a wonderful old girl who grew up on the streets of tottenham back when it was a fair bit rougher than nowadays. when i planned to move to london, she imparted this to me:
'back in my day, little monk, everyone was into this cocaine malarkey. now i dont know what's fashionable these days, but my advice to you is to try everything once, but never get addicted. there's a good lad'
never a wiser word spoken.
( the brass moustache putting the ass moust in brache since, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 23:53, 1 reply)

OK
slightly tenuous but I have always found the last words of General Ramón Maria Narváez,

"I do not have to forgive my enemies, I have had them all shot."

(said to the priest who asked him as he was dying to forgive his enemies)

a wonderful piece of advice.

Given he died in 1868 I assume this counts as advice from an old person?
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 23:49, 4 replies)

My mum told me this when I was a nipper (but she's old now)
Simple really. Said when I whinged about being given something to eat that had been on the floor.

"You'll eat more dirt than that in yer life"

She was right too.
(karnuvap, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 22:38, 3 replies)

Just had...
...yet another big arguement with my girlfriend of the time. Stressed out, confused and upset, I had to get out of the house and went for a walk.

Wandering about, I must have looked a bit upset as an old homeless guy caught my eye and said...

'Don't worry about it. You're just another target mate. We all are.'

Cheered me right up.
(inflateable, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 22:34, Reply)

My grandfather told me "always look both ways when crossing the road"
I haven't looked back since.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 22:05, Reply)

The
best advice i ever got was from this website
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 21:39, 7 replies)

Hmm.
A wise old relative came out with some of the best advice I ever received, which was this:

Never start something that you can't fini - oooh, look, a cloud shaped like a cock! Fancy!

Taught me all I know, did my Gran.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 21:19, 4 replies)

"Right now..."
"...if you've got a Santa, you've got to pick it, right? If you've got a Santa, it's a big bit but you can do it. Right? Oh, I've gone a bit where?"

Dad's grandmother, direct quote from a week before she died.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 21:13, Reply)

both knob related
two bits of advice I've been given that I will cherrish until my dying day -
1, when I asked an old fella why he only had three fingers he replied sagely "son, never stick you finger in a hole you wouldn't stick your cock in"
2, at a mates wedding and the father of the groom stood up and said "when my son asked me for advice on his up and coming marriage I said there is only one thing that my father told me before my wedding and that's never marry a woman with large hands - they make your cock look small" there was not a dry eye in the place and the grooms mother had to be physically restrained from hitting him.
told you both knob related.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 20:48, 1 reply)

Sage words from an old Head on his deathbed
The missus's Grandad said about 10 sentences in total to me, but his last one was
"When you're pissed, stay away from train tracks and canals."
Few words from the man, but some I do try to keep to.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 20:33, Reply)

First post....
Whilst on the subject of my friend travelling to America to see his girlfriend. A work mate came out with this gem:

"Cunt'll draw you, further than dynamite can throw you!!"

Made me laugh quite a bit at the time and also very very true
(Magical Trevor's cloak, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 19:17, 1 reply)

Next time you see noisy wee ned cars...
... just think about this one.
My Dad used to be a mechanic for a Formula Ford team, back in the early 70s, and did a bit on rally cars too. Next time you see a chavmobile with a "reversed-over-a-coal-scuttle" exhaust, just heed his words: "The more noise in the paddock, the slower they are on the track".

Of course, it could be figurative, too, but it's reasonably literally true.
(gordonjcp, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 18:05, 4 replies)

Never Live with the one you can live with, look for the one you can't live without
Sorry no joke, just the best advice I've been given.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 18:03, 1 reply)

Some of the best advice I've ever heard
can be found in this song.

Cheerio for now though B3ta, it's home time.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 17:38, 6 replies)

Just remembered.
Whilst driving home today and daydreaming about my life, as you do. I remembered this important nugget of advice given to me....


Something or someone worth having is worth waiting for.


Very very true so take heed.


(I'm off for a run now and when I say run I use that word in the very loosest sense).
( girlinthehole, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 17:03, 24 replies)

I have never been given good advice by anyone, elderly or otherwise
So I would like to share with you some little gems that I had to learn the hard way. If someone, perhaps a wise old pipe-smoking relative or a Robin Williams type school master, had sat me down and drummed these into my thick little skull, they could have saved me a lot of time, effort and general annoyance.

“Get into a trade or profession as soon as possible or you will end up in a dead-end office job”. I was advised “choose the subjects you are interested in and go to university”. The day after graduating with a Biology degree I was in the job centre signing on for the dole.

“It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”. What’s up with that? Do we give off different pheromones when in a relationship or is it that we have already passed through quality control and are deemed desirable? It’s also easier to get a job when you already have one, probably for similar reasons.

“Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”. This applies to friends, family, partners, co-workers, members of the Samaritans…deep down they all hope that you fall flat on your arse. Get used to it.

“You are your own best teacher”. They say you never forget a good teacher, in that case I’m amazed that I remember any of the useless fucks that “taught” me. Every exam I have ever passed was due to me reading the appropriate books and revising until I went blue in the face, and then revising some more.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single, but people will assume you’re gay”. Nobody ever told me that once you get past 25, if you’re not married, in a long term relationship, seen with women on a regular basis or at least had the common courtesy to have knocked up a past girlfriend, people will take you for a puddle jumper. Look mum, I’m sorry. I know that you want me to meet a nice girl and produce grandchildren for you, but I just can’t be bothered.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:25, 25 replies)

soapy anus
Never, ever, admit to being constipated as a kid.
Granny's remedy of trying to insert a bar of soap up your arse is just plain wrong.
(coobeastie Used to Be in Evil Gazebo, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:18, 4 replies)

My grandad part 2
My granddad is 80 odd so I think he counts as old. A few years back he had a stroke, only a mild one though, he got out of hospital and went back to the house with my Gran and everything was presumed fine.

Now he’s always been a grumpy old bastard, and phenomenally tight fisted. I’ve already mentioned the falling off the roof story because he was too tight to pay for scaffolding. But the best one is that he used to keep a brand new exhaust in his garage and when his car needed an MOT he would swap it for the knackered one on the car, get the MOT and then put the shit one back on again.

He would also constantly play me and my sister against each other when we were growing up and always make comments to my parents about why one was better than the other, he did exactly the same to both sets of cousins on my mums side too.

But I only found out what he was really like when, some weeks after he returned home, my aunt went round to find him in the kitchen threatening my Grandma. My Aunt took my Gran back to hers and it turned out that since he had come out of hospital he had been getting increasingly aggressive toward my Gran. Since my Gran didn’t want to go back home, she ended up staying at my mum and dads house for what must have been almost a year.

I spoke to my Mum about the situation and it turns out that when she was young, he used to beat up my Gran every now and then.

After a year or so, he had another stroke. This one was a lot worse and although he can walk and see and hear and all, he can’t speak. Well, he can speak, but he talks utter gibberish and random words.

He’s now in a nursing home, it’s a very nice nursing home, but a secure one as he keeps trying to escape (he’s managed it a couple of times but the police keep catching him and sending him back), and my Gran still goes to see him every now and then, but we constantly try to encourage her not too, as when she does go he often tries to keep her handbag and gets all narky and agressive with her so the staff have to come and tell him off.

So what does this have to do with advice? Well, the best advice I learned from my Grandad was this:

Kids, don’t be a sadistic wife abusing cunt who enjoys playing mind games with young children because being the laughing stock of your entire family while you’re stuck in a nursing home with a bunch of other dribblers while probably being quite aware of everything that’s going on but unable to communicate with anyone else must really fucking suck.

Length? I’ve got no idea, I haven’t seen him for over a decade. Cunt.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:10, 7 replies)

Another pearl of wisdom
from my late lamented grandfather ...

"Never pick a fight with the meanest lad in school."

Sadly, this advice came approximately 24 hours too late, when my brother already looked like he'd called Mike Tyson a big poof. And lived to regret it - but only just.

wavy lines

Several years later, I was helping out behind the bar in the local rugby club. The Welsh fans were visiting and had set themselves two targets.

1 - Drink the club dry
2 - Proposition the female bar staff

All in good humour of course. They were too nice to be rude when propositioning the bar staff, and we were all just having a great laugh.

The "meanest lad in school" from above was also in attendance that night, but was looking for a fight. With anyone. He was also being insufferably rude to the bar staff and was on his last warning.

He'd worked out who's sister I was, and had laughingly told everyone in earshot how he'd "mangled" my brother several years before. The advice someone, anyone, should have given him was,

"Don't piss off the barmaid when the visiting Welsh have made friends with her"

Having not had this advice, he pissed me off completely and I put my masterplan into action. Moving further up the bar, I slightly tearfully, asked if anyone needed served. They all demanded to know who'd upset me. I told them. I pointed out the offender.

He was removed from the bar with surprisingly little fuss, and summary justice was meted out in the car park.

Revenge truly is a dish best served cold.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:02, 9 replies)

More haste less speed
is very true and is the reason I stapled my own hand 10 minutes ago. Fucktard.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:56, 15 replies)

My father's a conservative sort of man ...
I wonder what advice he’d give me on this particularly modern situation.

[end appropriate preamble, begin real reason for post – thinly veiled vainglorious gloating]

I was approached by an ex-girlfriend yesterday, who has gone sapphic and fallen in love with another woman. They are to wed, and carry one another's embryos. But first they need a goodly spray of sperm from an able-bodied gentleman – which apparently is where I 'cum' in (boom boom).

Capital.

Of course, this has huge potential for misinterpretation. I'll probably crash into their house expecting a fanny bingo spunkathon, wearing nothing but a demented grin, with a cock like Kitchener's finger and a video camera slung over my shoulder, only to find them sat modestly in the living room clutching a petrie dish and a long-necked pipette.

"And that, children, is how I met your mother ..."
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:46, 15 replies)

I had a friend once
Who inherited his father's farm in the far off year of 2000. It was a small outfit that mainly specialized in legumes.

Not the most profitable of agricultural institutions, but it was still staying afloat, and so John - as we shall call my friend, as that is his name - kept the place going.

Then, in 2005, disaster struck when the Ascochyta blight flared up, ravaging most of the country's pea harvest for that year - luckily John's farm was spared.

Overnight, he was inundated with orders. John's Peas became the most valuable consumable on the island, fetching upwards of 89p each.

John was rich, going from uncomfortably well off to obscenely wealthy in a single stroke - and unfortunately, it went to his head.

John took to gambling with investments, illusions of grandeur and more money dancing in his ecstatic, dilated pupils. He poured millions, his entire net worth, into billboards in Louisiana.

Then in August 2005, Hurricane Katrina struck, obliterating all of John's Advertising in one fell swoop, leaving John bankrupt.

He began the slow road to recovery, borrowing money and using it to help tide his business over until peas were once again in season.

In 2008 he started gambling with investments again using his monopoly on the pea market to finance his ill-advised projects. This time he bought up vast amounts of Burmese rice fields.

Then, in May 2008, Cyclone Nargis wiped out his rice fields, leaving John broke and in significant debt.

This time, his peas were not enough to save him, and after selling his father's farm to cover his debt, he spent his last few thousand on a poster printing company in a desperate last bid.

The next day, the factory and company headquarters were burnt to the ground in a freak electrical accident.

John leapt in front of a train the next day, a broken man with debts of thousands, and nothing left to his name.

Another life destroyed by Ad Vice from Old Pea Bills.











I'm so very, very, very sorry. Please don't hurt me. Apologies for length of pun, but it's the girth that really get's things going.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:42, 3 replies)

Just remembered this one ...
my grandad used to tell us,

"If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, between shit and syphilis"

In other words, don't come crying to me.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:23, Reply)

how come
i have no icon yet i have made a donation
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:15, 12 replies)

AAAGGGGHHH I'm Not Old But...
My Advice is could everyone, whether you think you need to or not, please take a moment out of your day to find out the difference between Advi(C)e and Advi(S)e!!!111!!!1!!!
(superfly78, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:13, 1 reply)

One day, while I at work
I was carrying a large box socks out of the warehouse onto the shop floor. The box was rather large and so I couldn't exactly see where I was going, and therefore I accidently bumped into some old geezer who was busying himself browsing through the shops fine collection of Farah slacks.

"Watch where you're going!" the old coffin dodger boomed, "You could hurt somebody or yourself, and then you'll have a lawsuit on your hands!"

Sound advice, and some he really should've listened too himself. For as he sauntered off he then proceeded to trip over the base of the next trouser rail falling into another elderly couple and knocking him and them to the ground. The silly old cunt.
(WillyBean, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 15:05, Reply)

Great Advice
My dad told me when my wife was pregnant
1: Don't let Michael Jackson baby sit
2:don't let the Macains take 'em on holiday

Thanks great advice dad?
(Athvi, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:54, 2 replies)

completely off topic, but I want to start a new home thread for us all to hang out in
Would you buy a raffle ticket for £100 if the prize was a house?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:48, 312 replies)

I was a teenage gobshite
" The sweetest song is silence and you're never that, so take some sugar and shut up!"

DH - March 1996.

T'was a word advice given to me on my 18th. It's not advise that I followed but it's advice I like to give when people start waffling shit.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 14:43, Reply)