Another work one
Doing the usual post Xmas break "How was it" chat with a few colleagues.

Turned out that someones mum died on Xmas eve, which obviously ruined the holiday. It's always awkward thinking of the right thing to say at these times. However, it would be fair to say our secretary got it completely wrong with "Did you keep the receipt for her present?". Always engage brain before operating mouth.
(Throbbe, Fri 27 May 2005, 9:58, Reply)

2 bad ones
Very recently I was at a bar with some Belgian friends and some of their friends, one of whom was talking about their job.

N - "So what do you do?"
Belgian - "I look after children, like what you call it, err, err, I don't know the English..."
N - "Oh, you mean a childmolester...MINDER!! ChildMINDER..."

Absolutely genuine slip of the tongue. No idea where it came from. Cue wifey booting the shit out of my shins under the table.

Belgian (Looking like I'd shat in her Hoegaarden)- "No, Au pair."
N - (trying to hide embarrassment)"Oh yeah, but isn't that French?"

Other one's not so bad. I was 16 and round at a mates house. Had drunk LOTS of beer (8 cans back then was lots!) and it was time to go home.

N - "Where d'you live again?"
Mate - "Balshagray Avenue"
N - "(titter) Balshagray? Bal-SHAG-ray?" Right, where'sh phone, I'll try to remember it."
Taxi Co - "Hello, Glasgow Wide TOA"
N - "Hello, can I have a shag please..Oh, er, I mean...*click*"
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Fri 27 May 2005, 9:43, Reply)

Also
I'd taken some rather scandalous pictures of myself, and zipped them up in a file called "Not Safe For Work.zip" with the intention of sending them to my hubby. I ALSO had some misc porn that a friend had sent me zipped up in an entirely different folder on my HD with the same filename to send to a different friend.

Cue me sending the naughty pics of me to the friend instead of the misc porn.

Luckily, I got as a reply "What do I do with this file?" (And then, "How do I open this file?" "You can't, that's corrupt, delete it and let me resend..." "ok" *sends self-extracting exe of misc porn instead*)

God bless the computer-stupid people.

EDIT: Now that I'm looking, I have quite a few "Not Safe For Work.zip" files... at least 6 that I've found in the past 5 minutes... I really should get a new file-naming system going here...
(Ecclesia, Fri 27 May 2005, 9:35, Reply)

B3TA's Fault....
GF sat on sofa on laptop (gotta love wifi)

Me: Watcha doin? (at this point simply curious)
Mrs Og: Playin on net (Innocent)
Me: Whatcha lookin at? (cogs in brain start whirring, and I'm not quite sure why...)
Mrs Og: B3TA - QOTW - some funny people telling stories about guilty pleasures (still innocent)
Me: One onosecond of realisation that on there I'm sure I posted one about shagging someone behind her back and her not knowing about it. Shat. Shat again. Tried to look innocent/nonchalant and apparently succeeded as I got away with it, she didn't spot it.

Should really change my screen name cos she knows this one as everyone calls me Og :D
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 27 May 2005, 9:28, Reply)

Bah!
I often get confused who I'm talking to on MSN between friends I've known for years, and get into the general "I can't believe she's being such a bitch right now" conversations with the same person I'm talking about. AND will rant for 15 minutes at a time about it, without realizing who I'm actually sending to. Lucky for me, I use a lot of pronouns (as they're mostly current-topical complaints) and can pass them off as being about whomever I was trying to send to in the first place. (Generally at that point, I send the original intended recipient a message explaining the situation, and "Hey, take one for the team?")

I'm such a horrible person. Please, cover my ass? Like we don't all already know how petty we act (or expect it!)
(Ecclesia, Fri 27 May 2005, 9:24, Reply)

BT and SMS
Just tried the sending sms to a land line thing. Didn't realise it read your number out though... monkeys.

A female voice reading "Lick my face." awesome and disturbing, or perhaps disturbingly awesome.
(sancho, Fri 27 May 2005, 8:41, Reply)

spooky...
..just a moment ago, while reading the replies to this question, someone called vickie sent me a message from a random number bollocking on about hiya and hun and kisses, and I don't even know anyone called vickie!

(hmm, how did they get my number?)

toss
(muyk, Fri 27 May 2005, 2:54, Reply)

oops, but message recall will save the DOH !!!!
My mate at the time....honest....

We were just finishing work and he wrote an email to all our big bosses advising we had finished a really big project that night and all went really well. As he is a bit of a joker he put the subject as Testicles, instead of Testing. He calls me over and says look har har, and he hits "Alt S" thinking it was save and I went "NNNNOOOOOOOO, you pressed send" and he said "no mate I pressed Save.......didn't I"

insert onosecond of pure agony.

I check my email and sure enough the preview says ...name:MyMate...subject:Testicles

He shits himself and goes "dont worry I will use message recall". So I check my email angain and it says....name:MyMate...subject:MyMate would like to recall "Testicles".

insert shots of me rofl and him going "Oh no fuuuuck me"

He didn't get into any trouble as a result so in the end our bosses were pretty cool but the look on his face was priceless.
(blok3, Fri 27 May 2005, 2:41, Reply)

i hope to god my brother never reads this
ill keep it vague so my identity is safe hehe.

i was on holiday with my family somewhere in the UK and we were staying in an unmovable caravan (one of those fixed ones).
after travelling for a few hours to get there i was kinda sweaty, so i decided to have a shower after unpacking etc.

i hadnt had a wank for a few hours though, so i decided to knock one off whilst i was cleansing myself.

when i was done i came out, my mum asked me if i was shaving, which i thought was quite strange cos it was obvious i hadnt.

later on, when my bro was walking around, i noticed the caravan REALLY shook - even with the slightest movements. my face dropped as a realised why my mum asked me that question. it was more of an onoweek. i couldnt wait to get home where i could hide in the unjudgmental corner of my room.

i have a horrible mental image of the caravan shaking in time with the pounding of my wrist.

no apologies. (what else can i say, everyone is gay..)
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Fri 27 May 2005, 1:29, Reply)

For want of an "L"
Narrowly avoided onosecond:

My mom was half-jokingly trying to set me up with a young woman she knows. I was interested, but not too much because she lived literally 1000 miles away. I would joke to my mother that her biological clock was ticking for grandbabies. So in one email, I meant to write:

"Biological clock ticking? Tic toc, tic toc. Oh, wait, that's MY clock."

What I saw just an onosecond before hitting send, I had typed:

"Oh, wait, that's my cock."

I hope she would have known what I meant, but then again, she does know me and wouldn't be surprised.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 27 May 2005, 0:54, Reply)

only slightly related..
Year 1983. First day with the company's brand new PC: 64Kbytes RAM, a 360k floppy and an extraordinary 10 MB hard disk that required an extra case sitting on top of the PC. The system costed the equivalent of $8.000

First thing to do, I said to myself, is to backup the system disk. For some reason, I get to type:

C:> DISKCOPY A: C:

The idiot MS-DOS (2.0 I, think) gets it as a legal command and proceeds to physically copying the sectors of the floppy disk onto the hard disk.

This causes a little confusion with the controllers, and the head of the hard disk begins hitting somewhere with a nice rithmical noise.

Blamed it on the hardware, though, and we had it replaced as defective....
( frox, Fri 27 May 2005, 0:38, Reply)

Spoke to my ex g/f on msn,
things were going well, sorted to meet up for a date.

How shocked was I when her younger sister (only by a year) turned up. She had the same MSN name, and here email addy is different by on character, and i diddnt know i had added her.

Suffice it to say it was the most embarrassing moment of my life, But we went for some drinks anyway, she found it hilarious and I actually had quite a good evening.
(Orkran Mild Euphoria Ensues, Fri 27 May 2005, 0:23, Reply)

more IT support shenannigans
temping for an agency, sent me to a company for "2nd line/some hardware" support.

for a couple of weeks I sat about, surfing the web, induction, H&S, occasionally getting up to answer some divvy question.

the fourth week was a sweat of activity, new kit, new people, possibility of permenant job, interview, second interview, start date, yay me.

the day before the start date I was summoned to the The Ground Floor

arrived at The Ground Floor to see The Big Boss who calmly and without explanation asked me for my pass and asked me to leave the building, no explanation forthcoming.

I departed with the dignity and curiosity I was born with.

two whole days later I got a (finally) returend call from agency claiming I'd bee asked to leave because I'd been "caught using the internet" ... AKA part of my job description.

after three days of fruitless, polite 'wtf is going on' type telephone calls to the agency with no concrete reasons for why I'd been shat upon in such a fashion, and me alluding to said agency that I'd contact the company direct to seek 'further clarfication, possibly via my solicitor' I was told that I would be paid my months salary on the condition that I dropped the matter and didn't contact the company direct.

smelling a rat and badly needing that cash, I agreed.

/cuts to the chase ... once I was thoroughly shitfaced on the proceeds of my months salary I fired off an email containing 90% of the gossip I had to endure from the office drones during my time there. the people who had B.O. the people dressed badly, the fatties, lazies, sweat patchies, thickos, sticklers, nazis were all named. as were their accusers.

off it went.

non, je ne regret rien
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Fri 27 May 2005, 0:14, Reply)

Out my face after a birthday party
Got some numbers that night. Lay in a park and texted one of the girls saying how I really connected to her live journal and that I agree with most things she says and that we should talk.

Re-read it after sending and went out looking for a shovel.
(puggs, Fri 27 May 2005, 0:05, Reply)

Here's one
Recent-ex, I and new girl all in the living room at my place, where she's come to stay (bad decision, that), watching telly.

She plays with her phone for a few seconds. Suddenly mine buzzes. Look at her, look at phone. She softly moans, "Oh fuuuuuuuuck...."

The text reads 'Yeah I'm there now. New gf=nasty. He still wants me though'.

We all clocked what had happened at the same time. I'll never forget the looks that passed between the three of us just then.

New girl never ever mentioned it in two years, but she knew. Oh, she knew.

Did I still want her? No comment....
(unholysmoke, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:49, Reply)

Working in a school you'd think
I'd be mature and sensible (IT Technician).
Unfortunatly I am not and about 3 years ago (when I was but a 17 yearold) one of the (17 year old) sixth formers came in to change her password. Whilst typing it in I got the attention of my mate Danny who worked there and made a face like i was tounging her out.
At this exact second the head of IT at the time walked in and stared at me. For the following !YEAR! that he worked there I had to pretend I had a disorder that made me pull the same face!
( SiX and his hat, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:39, Reply)

A while back
some friends and i discovered that if you send a text message to a land line, then the phone rings, and a comedy computerised woman tries to read whatever you had sent!

On one particularly drunken night out (after the initial comedy of sending each other stupid texts in halls of residence had worn off...) i tried to send a message to one such friend (who had been trying to contact me) letting him know where i was, along the lines of "i've just been sick on my shoes and then pissed on a tramp", but i managed to send it home to my own parents.

Despite the fact i signed off the message with my name, i'm not sure if they realised it was me...
(squiffy raa raa pompousbottom, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:37, Reply)

Talking to my make zeegy on msn
dragged some dodgy porn to the recycle bin and missed draggin it onto his message window. NOT good - I shit myself backward with a box of frogs!
( SiX and his hat, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:32, Reply)

"I love you"
wakes up next day with hangover

SHIT!!!!!

relationship lasted about a month tho which is good for me
( SiX and his hat, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:30, Reply)

On my course at university
which I shall refer to as 'Warwick' (since thus is it monikered) there are a grand total of 23 - 3 boys and the rest girlies. The rave-it-up, dope-smoking pissheads refer to the stay-at-home losers as the Anaemics, though they have no idea and think we approve of their boringhood.

One of the other blokes sent out a group e-mail inviting everyone to a birthday bash. A little inebriated (as per) I replied with something along the lines of "Nice idea mate, but how many of the Anaemics are really gonna show up?"

'Send'

Pause

FUCK

Que me rushing into my girlfriend's room down the hall (she on the same course) and frantically bashing 'Refresh' on her inbox for ten minutes.

When it didn't arrive on her machine I felt like I'd won the Champion's League.
(unholysmoke, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:22, Reply)

Kids
My boyfriends mum is a childminder and she minds two kids, sister and brother about 6-7 years old. So its the summer holidays and Im over and she has the kids over. I happen to be wearing a strappy top and you can see my bra underneath it. the following conversation persues:
Sister: I know what colour bra your wearing, black!
Bf: Bet you dont know what colour her knickers are?
Sister: ...?
Bf: Black
Sister: how do u know?
Cus him turning red and her saying to his mum hes been naughty and looking at her knickers whilst shes asleep. The conversation ends with:
Sister: you should always wear a condom
cue shocked looks and his mum worrying where shes learnt it from!
(purplefairy, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:21, Reply)

BT callminder
a new twist on the text bandvagen:
the "let's read out your text!" special feature, albeit amusing, has terrifying consequences when mixed with alcohol... have had to call home at least three times now, pleading with my little brother to NOT, repeat, NOT listen to and simply delete the "overly friendly" texts missent by drunk, fingerclumsy boyf - and preferably before aged parent accesses the messages.
I'm still not sure how he'd respond to a robotic woman slurring words of love... damn you, BT!
(griffster, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:20, Reply)

when I was much younger
I got a spam porn e-mail, this was when i was about 10, and i didn't really bother reading it and I presumed it was a foward and sent it to a load of people, all about 10/11 at the time.

Later that evening some parent phoned and explained what had happened, my mummy then spent the next half hour on the phone explaining to other parents why their children can't check their email accounts :-)
(mrtinybrain, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:20, Reply)

I
thought the onosecond was the shortest measurable discrete unit of time, i.e. the amount of time you can listen to Yoko fucking Ono before you start wishing you weren't listening to Yoko fucking Ono.

My personal worst onosecond was managing to describe an immediate superior as "a void in the personality continuum" in an e-mail which I promptly sent straight to him - and which he still managed to open before I immediately hit "unsend".

And now I'm waiting to find out if I've got an interview for a job that would put me under him again after almost eight years.
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Thu 26 May 2005, 23:18, Reply)

onoseconds- reallife are much worse
OK, im lower 6th at a kinda posh grammar school, lots of foreign kids. Get on well with all of them, not nearly as obnoxious as the others.

however, as high-middle/upper class teenage boys do, we make jokes at anything available. Not quite fascist, but probably how it all started.....

So when I said something like "worlds getting too crowded, all China's fault", i was given the response "you idiot, josh is chinese!". luckily josh, 2 yards away, said "nah, im from hong kong". phew!

incident 2. taken to mate Glaysh, bout his german exam. i say "why learn german? what's germany good for besides invading france!". Matthias happened to be sitting jus out of eyesight, but well within eveyone else's, and within earshot. Saved that one by saying that was a good enough reson for germany to exist. And they do build good cars!

Thirdly, not so bad, asked my mate Raj if he was going out on the lash to celebrate the last day of the year. "no. im hindu"

I should get a medal!
(acharps, Thu 26 May 2005, 22:49, Reply)

Woman with a huge pussy
Sent an email with this subject line to a colleague. But spelled the name wrong and the helpful "autocomplete" feature completed the name for me. I just didn't notice that it autocompleted to the WRONG name.

Oops.

Email contained a photo of.... well, a woman with a huge pussy.

Luckily it was an image taken from www.tubcat.com so whilst the description was accurate, it was not offensive. Phew.

Still, felt like a right twunt. Until the accidental recipient replied with an "ROFL".
(rob3rt, Thu 26 May 2005, 22:13, Reply)

Passwords
For some reason a few years ago I decided I'd had enough of the MSN Messenger application and fancied a change. Wanting to keep my contact list I decided a switch to Trillian was a good idea.

Anyway, fast forward a few days to when I need to enter my password to log into a website somewhere (the password for said site and my MSN account were the same). Little did I know that somebody starting a conversation with me while I used Trillian would open a window that would actually steal the focus from the current window I'm typing in.

So there I was, having typed my password and hit return, trying to come up with a decent enough excuse so the guy talking to me didn't figure out he'd just been given my password in plain text. I think I explained it quite well, all things considered. Needless to say MSN was back in action after this.
(SJH, Thu 26 May 2005, 21:51, Reply)

hehehehehe I gotta good one

... but I would advise djtrialprice to avoid it, unless he wants years of expensive psychotherapy....

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

So, I was visiting Mum & Dad for a week, and a few nights into the visit, we all went to the pub. I phoned the old man (mr b3th) and we joked about how he wasn't even missing me at all during my absence.

I then put the phone down on teh table and started to fiddle about in my bag for something. Phone rings, and Mum picks it up.

Mr b3th, several sheets to the wind, slurs something along the lines of 'of course I miss you, and when you get home I'm going to roger you senseless'. Mum says 'Thank you very much' and pisses herself laughing.

Mr b3th thinks I set him up for that one on purpose, and won't speak to me for two days.

And I never got a welcome home rogering either. pfff.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 26 May 2005, 21:49, Reply)

In my Outlook Address book on the network...
is an entry for "All _anon e-mail users", meaning everyone on the network.

I sent an e-mail telling everyone on site they'd have to come in 15 minutes late on Monday due to a large craning / lifting operation at the gates.

Then realise the following mathematical formula;
Everyone on network IS GREATER THAN Everyone on site.

Site = my factory
Network = all factories.
4 in the UK
1 in France
1 in Poland
2 in Spain
1 in Belgium
Office in Russia.

onosecond. big onosecond.
(b3tan generation, Thu 26 May 2005, 21:46, Reply)

onosecond
I alway thought the onosecond was the instant i came.

*pulls on trousers and runs*
(col2e, Thu 26 May 2005, 21:16, Reply)