not exactly sneding people the wrong stuff, but
I walked into town today from college to get lunch, and on the way back was walking down a small but quite fun hill, so I decided to start running down the slope, possibly while saying "wheeeeee!" as i did it (adds to the hilly enjoyment)....only to nearly run into this bloke.....whereupon i swerve around him and an old woman. by this point i realised i was looking quite stupid, and decided to stop, but not before a mate going by on a bike saw me.....damn, just as i thought i was getting away with acting like a total 'tard.... bollocks.
(Ryuken-Kai, Fri 27 May 2005, 21:03, Reply)

Not as good as some, but ...
I was on the receiving end of this one. I work at a university, and one of the department secretaries CC:ed everyone--including the faculty--on a personal email about how much she and her interlocutor had come to dislike their jobs and about how all the interesting professors had left.

If you've ever talked much to a professor, you might know that all professors consider themselves fascinating. I never have heard a reaction from any of them, though. Funny, that.
(Tullia, Fri 27 May 2005, 20:48, Reply)

text
my freind (dan) sent me an offensive text message,through boltblue.com, which leaves an advert at the end of each message: txt messages 30p at bolt blue.com (or sumthin)
to which i replied: "stupid wanker. your mum half price at bucketfanny.com"
only i sent it to "dad mobile" instead of "dan mobile"

shit.
(captain barnacle, Fri 27 May 2005, 19:55, Reply)

Mum?
When I got my first mobile, I got a message the very next day from a number I didn't know, it was a slightly rude joke. So I texted back asking who it was, the reply came back saying "it's your Mum."

Fine thought I.

As the weeks progressed, the texts got ruder and tuder, eventually ending up with me receiving an ASCII drawing of a cock. Spurting daddy batter. This was totally out of character for my fairly prudish Mother, so I texted back querying this whole affair.

Seconds later I get a phone call from some woman, asking for 'Janet'. Seemingly bemused that she isn't there, she hangs up. I get a message apologising for it all, because for the last couple of months she'd thought I was her daughter.

Shame we never carried that on, my 'Mum' sounded hot.
( Theoban What of it, Fri 27 May 2005, 18:56, Reply)

my big PM
hi tony, my big spunk-pump,
hope you're having a good day, ive just been pissing about on b3ta all afternoon. what time are you finishing work? can't wait til you take me up the 'house of commons' tonight!
dont forget to buy some courgettes on the way home, we're having the prescotts over later!, love you, cherie-poos x
p.s., george called again, he said to call you 'his little bitch'
(Capt'n Fabulous, Fri 27 May 2005, 18:13, Reply)

yes sir (*snicker*)
Never had an OH NO moment, but I did send one email that was received and read at a particularly inconvenient time.

I worked several years ago in an office for a complete cunt doing dictophone letters. After a few months a Kiwi girl came into the office and started doing the letters instead. We soon became friends, commiserating on our boss' cuntiness and the way he dictated letters: "dear sirs, COMMA, I refer to your letter dated 17 June FULL STOP. In this letter, COMMA,"... etc. We took to saying "COMMA" loudly when he was just out of earshot.

One day I sent her an email using 48pt. bold pont that read only, 'COMMA'. She opened it about fifteen minutes later, just as the boss was leaning over my desk, explaining a task to me. Her snickering was highly contagious, especially as I knew what the source was, and I began laughing uncontrollably into the boss-cunt's face.

Woo. First post in a long, long time. I feel ten pounds lighter.
(Mabel DelTaco, Fri 27 May 2005, 17:48, Reply)

Being dumped (and being a bit of a tool)
While fiddling with my voicemail options, I realised that you could send voicemails without actually ringing the person. Unfortunately, this epiphany came at a time when I was more than a little messed up after a nasty case of being dumped. I recorded a totally, totally embarrasingly pathetic message to my ex, loaded with all the rubbish, slightly delusional shit that runs through the average bloke's head on repeat after this kind of event.

In my defence, I never meant to send it; it was supposed to be some sort of cathartic, getting it all off my chest exercise, but instead of pressing "2" to delete it I pressed "1" to send it.

If I were a psychologist I'd probably realise that I wanted to send it all along and that far from being for my benefit only, I subconsciously wanted her to hear this crap, but in a way in which it was possible to distance myself from it. But I'm not a psychologist, so I don't.
(donksta, Fri 27 May 2005, 17:42, Reply)

the worst thing ever.....
me and my mates always do 'mum' jokes. we always randomly blurt out 'your mum!' or finish someones stuttering sentence with 'your mum?'

well one day out in manchester, we went a club (21's) and after we were all wasted getting a taxi back to Glossop, when all the lads started telling the taxi driver how they were getting a taxi to fuck my mum. asian taxi driver was bemused by all of this. I assured him it was ok and that "everyone's welcome to fuck my mother!", greeted with lots of cheering from my drunken mates.

imagine my embarrassment the next day when i get a phone call from my dad, to say last night my phone had redialled home from my pocket and left a huge voicemail on the answer machine and how my mum was in tears. My parents are very religious.

fuck

edit: had a letter from my mum today... 'Richard I haven't seen you in 2 years, please come and visit the family soon...". doh.
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Fri 27 May 2005, 17:06, Reply)

jetlag equals dodgy spelling
I send a lot of update emails to family and friends as I live and work overseas. So, one fine day en route back home I sent one out innocently asking them to ignore any spelling mistakes as my jet lag was pretty bad.

I quote; 'my internal cock is screwed'

Much amusement when I got back home and some worried looks from my ultra conservative dad.
(bulleybeef, Fri 27 May 2005, 17:02, Reply)

Oops
When I was in my 6th form of school (far too long ago now) the 6th form common room was in a seperate small old building from the rest of the main school. One day two little machines (about the size of a shoe box) appeared in there which seemed to be sampling the air. Me and a mate thought it would be really funny to tamper with them and broke of some small bits from these asbestos type boards that were behind the radiators (they were like the ones you used to put your bunsen burner on. We then crumbled these bits into the bit of the machines that were obviously sucking in the air.

After this I just went home for lunch thinking nothing more of it. Later that day I got a very panicky call from my fellow saboteur saying that the building had been evacuated and shut. I went up to the school and there was red tap over the door saying "Hazardous - do not enter". The machines had recorded massive levels of asbestos in the atmosphere. Within 6 months, the building had been demolished and re-built.

I bricked it for about 6 months after that, convinced I was at least going to get expelled or sent to jail or something. Luckily niether happened. And we got a brand spanking new common room!
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Fri 27 May 2005, 16:56, Reply)

Great Uncle Bulgaria
I once sent an e-mail to my girlfriend, having changed my name in the "from" field to Great Uncle Bulgaria. It was a joke about forgetting to change that name back again. I then promptly forgot to change that name back again and sent something to the messageboard of a club we both belong to. Then everyone thought it was a pet name she had for me. Oopsy.
( giant_squid, Fri 27 May 2005, 16:53, Reply)

I agree
with Lord Manley's observation that this QOTW is indeed a huge bubbling heap of old cock rub.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Fri 27 May 2005, 16:36, Reply)

V Wank
I was signing up on my friends forum and was signing up as 'V. Wank' but forgot to make a new email alias and accidentally put my normal one in. It was about an onosecond after I clicked submit that I realised I had submitted me as V. Wank. He still talks to me but calls me V Wanker and laughs. It's mean isn't it Mr. Banana.
(gesiwuj, Fri 27 May 2005, 16:22, Reply)

Was working many moons ago...
in a bucket shop type business taking calls from people after cheap flights. I transferred one call with a shout across the office: "It's that wanker Mr X." Colleague taking call was greeted with: "So I'm a wanker am I. Perhaps I'll take my business elsewhere." Doh, perhaps I should have remembered the mute button!
(chuntymudflap, Fri 27 May 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Someone had a good day
The 'onosecond' happened after I realised that the Misses had taken a load of clothes to the Salvation Army shop including an old jacket that had a bag of skunk, some 'e's and 300 quid in currency hidden in the inside pocket. One arriving at the shop the following day to get it back the old bag said it 'must have already sold'.
I am not sure if I believed her as she was smiling so much, stuffing her face with crisps and playing 'Screamadelica' at full volume.
(DrTugnut, Fri 27 May 2005, 16:16, Reply)

Pipe Dream
I had always understood a pipe dream as something that would get achieved eventually, as opposed to it's true meaning: a fantastic and vain dream.

So I'm getting a lift down to Uni with parent's friends, who are lovely people but very high in the social order and very, very proud.

We are talking about him buying property up North, doing it up and selling it for lots of money. I say "Yes, it's always good having a pipe dream." to be followed by a long period of silence, which I thought unusual as we had been getting on great.

The onohour came when I got home and thought I should check I had the right definition of pipe dream. Needless to say I haven't been offered a lift since.
(Lannes, Fri 27 May 2005, 15:55, Reply)

Ok heres one
It was an old college friends birthday this month, I hadnt seen he for nearly a year ans shes rather hyper and outgoing (the annoyingly want to smash in the face type if carried on too long)
I was on my way to meet her and my friends so I texted mysorta ex/uni friend talling him to wish me luck and how i kinda wished i wasnt going as id proberly end up smacking her in the gob or something. Acidently sent it to her.

Realising I sent another saying i was looking forward to her do, was ment for her, and i was just a bit axious.

She thought it was fucking hilarious. Had a good night in the end
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 27 May 2005, 15:51, Reply)

"You're all a bunch of...
cunts"

So went the email a mate of mine, thinking 'reply all' would send to all his friends, not everyone in the building.

He had to walk around for the next few weeks thinking that everyone, even those who didn't know him, knew he'd called them a cunt.
(Tanzender Affe, Fri 27 May 2005, 15:42, Reply)

Sheesh, another one...
It was my first *proper* job from the tender age of 17, working as a "document processing operative" (read "typist")...

One hot, sunny Friday afternoon, (during those final few hours before I would be released to enjoy a weekend of partying) when the rest of my colleagues had failed to return from the pub as usual, I found myself typing out the equivalent of War and Peace. The office was stuffy, I was longing for freedom and my mind began to wander, but finally 5.30 arrived and I scooted out the door with a whoop of joy...

The onosecond didn't hit until the Monday morning when my boss took me aside... As it turns out, my colleagues had returned from the pub shortly after I'd left and had gone straight into a meeting, having grabbed my afternoon's work and shoved it into the copier before distributing it to the rest of the department... As he was relating this to me for reasons that were soon to become clear, he pushed the circulated papers at me and urged me to read...

I got about half a page in before that wave of nausea hit - not only had my mind wandered on that sweltering afternoon, but my wanderings had taken written form... It was all there, the outfit I'd planned to wear for Friday night, my pursuit of the current romantic target and chances of success...

Fortunately they thought it was a good laugh, but I still feel mortified just thinking about it...
(spacecowgirl, Fri 27 May 2005, 15:35, Reply)

rather unbelievable timing, this
This morning i received an email from a colleague ('Sandra') of mine with a link to the b3ta phallic logo awards. It was sent to a few addresses around the local office. I didn't regard it with any weight, especially as i'd seen it already.

Then another, apologising for the mistaken email. And adding 'Please delete' (in retrospect rather optimistically).

At that point I realised that Sandra had tried to send the email to a few friends, but her email client had auto-completed one of the addresses into the name of a company suggestion-box (ideas@) discusion-group, which included all directors, managers and many more (inc. me!).

Cue mucho pisstakingo whilst she panickadly asked the IT guys to delete the emails from the various accounts before they were downloaded by the recipients.

Sandra hasn't yet told me whose name she was attempting to type when the ideas@ address autocompleted. Doesn't matter really - pffffft!!!
( spacehog, Fri 27 May 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Hmm
What a wank question of the week.
( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Fri 27 May 2005, 15:21, Reply)

.::._.::._.::.
DIY onosecond

-Start
-Run
"cmd"
-Enter

NET SEND /DOMAIN you are all fucking twats

-Enter
(frankyfourfingers, Fri 27 May 2005, 14:52, Reply)

Okay got two here that stand out
The clean one: Me and a mate I shall call him Jarv (althoug he is really called andrew) were finishing off some work on the uni computers, I finished ahead of him and so desided to sort of hng about near him. Board I sat on the desk and started to look at all the pritty wires comming out of the computer (note I was doing a computing degree) AND LOWE! I did behold a flick switch with 230V emblazend across it, so I flicked it. It then said 110V I then had exactly one onosecond in which time all tyhe fans reved up befor the power suplly exploded. Jarv was miffed.

Less clean one. At aparty pulled a bird going well, later on were all sleeping on the floor and we are geting quite physical, she pays me a quick visit I do the same, then 1 millisecond befor I defile the beauty my actual girlfriend pipes up (she was in the same room, next to us actualy, well it was new years and I was hammered) I had again one onosecond befor she begain berating me for not only trying to shag next to her but worse(?) using the same lines as I used on her (aint brokem, dont fix it!).. Still nice lass

Appologies for length and girth and that she never got to truely experence it.
(timberwolf0122 is turkey volume guessing man! Guessing the volumes in terms of turkeys since, Fri 27 May 2005, 14:38, Reply)

strictly speaking
not an onosecond..

but I was going to visit my mum, and was wearing a t-shirt with a piucture showing a man hanging by the neck, accompanied by the text "This man is dead". I arrived at my mum's place, took of my coat, and went into the sitting room to say hi to a friend of my mum's. As I entered the room, there was a terrible silence... but how was I to know said friend's husband had hung himself 2 days ago?
(radja, Fri 27 May 2005, 14:33, Reply)

While standing on the landing...
With my mates sister discussing what noises he made while having sex with his girlfriend.
"was it a sort of oof?"
"no it was a bit longer and drawn out like a moan"
"oh like uuuuuh"
"yeh that's it"

I proceeded to repeat the noise until i heard
"fuck you!" shouted from downstairs, my mate had heard the whole thing.
(Rosseh!, Fri 27 May 2005, 14:25, Reply)

cheap at half the price
got a new cell phone, but with different phone company and couldn't automatically transfer phone book over. so i manually have to do it.
unfortunately, get one digit wrong for mate i'm on the way to see in the uk (from new zealand) i desperately want to shag up the arse.
after about a week of sending txt messages and getting pissed off because of no replies, i get a phone call out of the blue from an irate woman asking me to stop telling her i want to roger her up the arse.
i didn't mind the absue she levelled at me, but positively took great delight in letting her yell at me for over 20 minutes.
i'd love to see the look on her face when she sees how much it cost her to call peak time to my cell all the way from the uk.

could have been an ono moment, but i giggled for a whole day afterwards.

girth. it's all about girth.
(fushundchups taste better with vinegar, Fri 27 May 2005, 14:25, Reply)

A friend of mine in Derby...
... didn't realise he'd failed to hang up his hands-free mobile phone properly after taking a call from the office, and went straight back to singing along to the car radio.

The onosecond didn't hit until several minutes later, by which time they'd put him on speaker phone so everyone could hear.
( teedyay, Fri 27 May 2005, 13:33, Reply)

The divisional director never just sent emails...
... instead he'd write a memo in MS-Word and attach that to an email to everyone. To make it look like a proper memo he put a (very high-quality) image of his signature on the bottom. Fool.

"That'll come in handy," I thought, and hung on to it for a year or two.

One slow Friday afternoon I wrote a memo to an old friend of mine in a different department, putting the director's signature on the bottom. It just said "Arse. Yours sincerely, ..." I figured it'd give him a brief double-take before spending a little while trying to guess who had actually sent it. To be doubly sure he knew it was a joke I added "P.S. Tee hee hee" to the bottom before printing it out and popping it in the internal mail.

Little did I know that said friend had been chatting to said director over the last couple of weeks (both of them were looking at buying property in France or something), so on receipt of the memo he took it straight into the director's office and said, "what? Why'd you send this? I don't get it."
( teedyay, Fri 27 May 2005, 13:28, Reply)

I wouldn't believe this...
Had I not heard it myself.

A friend of mine (let's call him Mate A, although his name's Dan) had the misfortune to drop his jeans in such a way that the phone in his pocket dialled another mate of ours (Mate B) up, just as Mate A was beginning a period of intimate enjoyment with his g/f.

On it's own, this would be embarrasing, but to make matters worse the gods of chance saw fit to site Mate B in a no-signal area, meaning the entire 15 minute call was recorded on his voicemail.

Some busy days later Mate A and his girl arrived at a gathering to be met by the new dance remix "Dan and Sally-Anne" blaring from Mate B's car stereo. Classic. (They are still together?)
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Fri 27 May 2005, 13:08, Reply)