The saga of semenfungi
In an IRC channel I used to hang out in was a guy who we will call Josh, for that was his nick. This is his story, in his own words (minus spelling mistakes). Apologies in advance for length / girth / disgustingness.

About a year or so ago, being the lazy fuck I am, would do my business (that means jacking off, people) on this chair, and my seed would land on this loney stretch of carpet at the corner of the room, far enough out of the way that I didn't have to worry about cleaning

Disgusting, yes.

This goes on for a few months, with me paying little attention to the condition of my carpeting. Then I start noticing that whenever I enter said room, something sets off my sensitive allergies and sends me into a pleasant sneezing/coughing fit. I search the room as best I can for the source, but to no avail. Anywho, few more weeks pass as I learn to live with it, usually by scarfing numerous antihistamines whenever I go in.

Then one day I notice it.

There's shit GROWING on that lone, semen-stained stretch of carpet.

Initially this is subject to my amusement. I watch it for a few days, and hey, more and more fungi begin sprouting at an alarming rate. This is when I inform [IRC channel] of the strange mushroom-like fungus propagating on my carpet, and its milky origins.

Many laughs are had, and a few loud vomits.

The matter passes, and shortly after when I go to move out, we notice something. And by 'we', I mean the landlord's guys. They discover that there is a horrendous case of mutant mildew (or so it was assumed) in the room. This was no news to me, and I explain it had been there for a while, but am mum about its origins (later I tell them it was spilt milk).

The carpet in this area is completely destroyed by fungus. So, the head super decides in his infinite wisdow to pull up the carpet, kill the fungus, then replace the damaged spot
So they pull up ALL the carpet in the room, only to discover..

IT IS EVERYWHERE

Yes, my friends, this mutant semen fungi had not only consumed its allotted square, but then it had gone and SPREAD UNDER THE CARPET! So strong was its roots, that it was learned that it had dug into the concrete - I repeat: the fungus had dug into the concrete!

I later learned that that room had required signifigant renovation and fumigation. But, fuck, I didn't care, I had already moved. So, to sum up: My semen caused what may have added up to thousands of dollars of damage to a room. And I am also responsible for creating the most disgusting form of fungi ever.

In short: Clean up after yourselves, you lazy bitches.

Oh, and I didn't pay a cent towards the damages.
(ZoFreX is cleaner than smoked trout, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 17:57, Reply)