It is hard to know where to start
There is a pub called The Greyhound near where I used to live in St Kilda, Melbourne. This pub is frequented mainly by washed up middle aged folk who have spent most of their lives taking huge quantities of illegal substances. Needless to say, Sunday night karaoke is quite an interesting way to spend a surreal evening. I shall list a few of the things I have personally witnessed.

Keith - There is no other way of describing Keith other than odd. He wears loud suits and talks utter bollocks, hes very reminicent of Uncle Pete(Charlie Chuck) from Vic Reeves Big Night Out. Hes the kind of person you would imagine in your head if you were to think about how I person would look and behave if they had taken LSD every day for about 15 years. What Keith likes to do whilst singing his song is thow packets of spam in to the audience and prepare sandwiches for them using food secreted upon his person. He is particularly inventive as to where he hides this food as to the actual food items themselves. Luckily I have never seen him produce anything from the more obvious hiding place but I would guess its only a matter of time.

Margie - She is a mid 40s lady who, whilst belting out Queen songs badly, models different T-Shirts for a man known only as Dirty Kurty, you will have to trust me when I tell you that this name is quite apt. For reasons known only to herself she frequently abandons the modelling part of the show and likes to bare her breasts. After seeing what naked clock guy has to offer this is sometimes a welcome interlude. Unfortunately however if Margie is particularly refreshed she has been known to get completely naked and lie on her back with legs apart and nothing left to the imagination. Believe me when I tell you that this is not a welcome nor pretty site, this behaviour usually results in people taking off their own clothes in order to throw them at Margie in the hope of covering some of her up and saving the rest of us from having to use too much mind bleach. I have also personally witnessed Margie dancing naked on the stage with her own pet Greyhound. In fairness the dog does seem to enjoy the attention.

Naked Clock Man - He likes to take his clothes off and sing his song stark naked with a clock hung around his neck. On occasion I have also seen him with the numbers of a clock drawn around his manly bits and with a bit of strung attached to his member he will point it to different numbers whilst he sings. Nobody knows what the significance of the clock is and frankly are too afraid to ask. I have also seen him perform with a live rat balanced on his bits. As the compare so delicately put it "It only hangs on there for the promise of cheese"

These three are amongst the regular performers, there are other and occasionally stranger people who come and go. Usually the two compares are drunk and on various drugs and this can make for a higly entertaining evening.

So anyway, if you fancy a cheap and terrifying night of entertainment when you next visit Melbourne, get yourself a tetanus shot, head down The Greyhound and strap yourself in.
( lord turkey boy and the cleft of venus, Sun 8 Feb 2009, 4:15, 4 replies)

is this the one
that Fred Negro hosts?

If so, is 'Sticks' still a regular there?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 8 Feb 2009, 5:37, closed)

Ive been in the UK for nearly 2 years
But its been a long while since I saw Sticks there.
( lord turkey boy and the cleft of venus, Sun 8 Feb 2009, 12:20, closed)

It is indeed the one Fred Negro hosts.
And it sometimes features in his "Fred Negro's pub" comic in Inpress magazine.

It is so bizarre that this would come up now- just this morning I found the voting form from aforementioned strip for one of the karaoke Oscars.

I appear on it under the 'best newcomer' category, as they were too drunk to remember that I had been going for nearly a year and a half at this point. They also couldn't remember my name, so I was listed as 'That tall sexy ass chick that does the Brazillian shimmy'.

That particular Oscar night was fun- Ralph came down and reviewed it and took some pics for a feature they were doing on karaoke.
I got my pic in! And upon seeing it, learned instantly and forever the notion that I should **NOT** wear white undies under a black dress if I was going to appear under a spotlight. Naked clock guy also appeared, but still in his leathers at that point of the evening.

Other highlights include:
-The MC (Fred and the guy whose name I forget) dancing around with a giant blowup cock.
-Presenting me with my champers for pwning the night, and promptly sculling it in front of me during my victory song.
-Introducing me as a tranny on my first night ever (I'm 6ft but all woman). I think I got some cred for going "Well, anyone who wants to know the truth can come and grab my number when I'm done", then launching into my song.
-My friend being called a stuck-up cunt by the bar staff for ordering a beer that wasn't VB.
-The big bull dyke who tried to ply me with whiskey, twisted my nipple when I kissed her and said 'Does that turn you on?', and was subsequently found bragging to all and sundry about what she was going to do to me that evening (she didn't- I went home...does this make me a clit-tease?).
-I once went out barhopping with Fred and a bunch of others after...

Sounds like an Aussie b3ta meet in the making, no? Gaz me!
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Sun 8 Feb 2009, 6:37, closed)

just a tetanus shot?
by the sounds of it you'd need a whole lot more.

oh and it's compere. compare is a verb, as in "compare A and B". just thought i'd say. ;)
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Sun 8 Feb 2009, 10:49, closed)