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This is a question Puns

Tell us your best ever puns - get them out of your system now and let's not see them again.

Suggested by MatJ

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 12:52)
Pages: Latest, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Not bindun? Ah well.
A Swedish man walks into a chemist

"Hellooo" he says. "I would laike to buy some deodorant please."

"Certainly sir (hurdy gurdy)" replies the Swedish chemist.
"Ball or aerosol?"

"Neither" replies the customer.

"I want it for me armpits."

(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 7:12, 4 replies)
I'm sorry....
A tribal chieftain commissioned the construction of a new throne. When it was finished, he was not satisfied, so he commissioned another one. Meanwhile, he put the rejected throne in the attic of his grass hut.

When the second throne arrived, he still was not satisfied.
He put it in the attic and commissioned another more elaborate one.

Well, the third one arrived, and wouldn't you know it, he still was not happy, so up to the attic it went.

Finally he sent for the best craftsmen from the surrounding villages, gave them explicit instructions, and told them to take as long as they needed. After six long months, the craftsmen finally appeared with the masterpiece. The chief was elated, and he ordered it placed right in the center of his hut. As he got himself comfortable on the beautiful throne, a big smile came across his face. The craftsmen were so relieved they had succeeded that everyone broke out in song and dance, creating quite a commotion. Then, in the middle of the jubilation, some of the structural supports were jostled, the ceiling collapsed, and the three rejected thrones in the attic came tumbling down on the chief, killing him instantly.

So, the moral of the story is simple: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 7:10, 3 replies)
When Versace was gunned down.....
the Sport headline was
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 0:43, 1 reply)
anyone remember
that earthquake about a year ago..

My mate came out with
'earthquake sex would 'rock'' shortly afterwards
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 0:13, 2 replies)
I went to a music shop recently.
'I'd like to buy an electronic keyboard please' I said.
'analogue?' asked the assistant.
'no thanks' I replied 'just the keyboard'.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 0:06, Reply)
Bloke walks into a dentist's
"Is this the place where you take people's teeth out?", he asks.

"No", replies the receptionist, "we find it's much easier to do it through the mouth."
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 23:05, Reply)
Okay so
this one time I was holidaying in the Algarve in Portugal and there was this family, with the surname McCann, who had three kids.

Now one night the parents fucked off to dinner with their friends without considering the potential dangers in leaving their kids totally unsupervised in an unlocked apartment and someone obviously took advantage of this by abducting the youngest eldest child, who's name was Madeline.

A worldwide hunt and media campaign was launched and managed to make headline news every day for the next few months until finally people got a bit bored and started to wonder if actually the parents had done it themselves, especially after they were made suspects by the Portuguese authorities.

However, after they sued the arse off a couple of newspapers all the other journalists realised they couldn't possibly have had anything to do with it. So that was okay then.

She's still missing mind.

And this other time, there were all these nasty smugglers and traders hanging out in Chalmun's Cantina, which is a fictional bar set in the port of Mos Eisley on the planet Tatooine.

And this old guy and a young guy and two robots came into the bar and asked this smuggler for a lift and he was pretty okay about it, but then someone who the smuggler owed money too came in and started some trouble so the smuggler shot him, and the old guy had this awesome light sword, kind of smaller than a sword though, more the size of a sabre, and anyway, the younger guy got started on and the old guy cut the troublemakers arm off. And one of the robots had a pretty camp voice.

And then there was this other time when I was at school, or something, and all these really attractive girls were hanging around in their tight white shirts, which strained over their heaving breasts as they breathed heavily and pouted at me. They slowly ran their hands up their fishnet stockinged legs, gently lifting their skirts to reveal that they weren't wearing any underwear.

Their moist sex seemed to swell before my very eyes as I leaned forward and probed their opening with my tongue, tasting their sweet juices as it ran down my chin.

One by one they took it in turns to take my engorged rod in their mouths, their tongues flicking over the glans until I erupted hot streams of jizz over their faces.

And then there was this other time when I had a picture of a cat that looked like it was doing something that cats can't actually do in real life so I wrote a caption on it in bad english using photoshop and posted it on the internet.

And then this other time I wrote stories on this message board which had a weekly theme, and sometimes my stories were jokes about child abduction and sometimes they were cleverly disguised film plots and sometimes I just put pictures of animals in cute poses and sometimes I told stories which seemed to fit with the weekly theme, but it turned out that the story was actually about something which, when read aloud, simply sounded a lot like the weekly theme.

So yeah.

My cock is really average sized, probably a bit smaller than average, but you know, the mrs is never going to tell me that is she.

Is it thursday yet?
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 23:04, 6 replies)
Does this count?
Mate of mine, short of stature, rang his bank manger (whom he had met in person previously) to ask why a payment hadn't gone through.

He read out the account number and it was clear they'd left off one of the numbers.

"That's outrageous!" He expostulated

"I can't believe you dissed a midget!"
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 22:17, Reply)
What do musicians do when they die?

They decompose!

Bah... dum tish etc..
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 22:11, Reply)
stainless steel wax
Popped down the local DIY store to get Four Candles, only to end up being given fork handles. Absolutely fuming i was.
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 21:57, Reply)
Stupid pun alert!
Saw a fat Spiderman stuffed figure in one of those awful discount stores and remarked to a friend 'who ate all the pies' which was immediately replaced by 'who ate all the flies'

I regretted it the moment the words came out of my gob, but it won't be the last time, I'm sure.

Fucks sakes...
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 21:53, Reply)
Just today
My friends and I were flicking through a generic girly magazine, filled with dresses and sex tips and what have you. Turned to a page about what to say in the bedroom and the excerpt read something like: "Word play is like foreplay in the bedroom! Get her going with some punillingus!"

I died inside. Only a little.
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 21:45, 1 reply)
Monument of Light

Do you think they were trying to make a point?
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 21:29, Reply)
A mates
birthday was coming up, and another mate comes out with:

'theres nowt wrong with an old cunt...as long as its still wet'

(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 21:08, Reply)
There was a spate of reasonably high-proflie
gay outings in the media maybe a couple of years ago.

This culminated in my favourite pun headline in one of the London papers as a result of a Lib Dem being outed:

Another One Bites The Pillow
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 20:48, Reply)
marine humour
why did the shrimp go home early from the undersea disco?

because he pulled a muscle
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 20:14, Reply)
Golf Anyone?
I used to work for a hospital for mentally ill people and one day we all went for a weekly day out. As I sat shotgun in the front of the happy bus I turned and asked the patients in the back what we were upto ?

Golf! one answered

to this I said

What.... Crazy golf ?

(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 18:10, Reply)
My crowning glory
I work in 'media intelligence'. It means I get paid to watch the news and write reports on it. This gives me the chance to be a smart arse on the puns if I get the chance.

Like the time a story was doing the rounds about the new Dublin Roman Catholic bishop who wanted to declassify a bundle of files about preists bumming boys and such. The previous bishop then tried to put a stop to their release, leading to my headline of..


Sometimes I love this job.
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 17:15, 1 reply)
is worried that ...
...the local Shell garage has cloned his details from the UK Sperm Bank....there`s enough wankers in this World as it is!

Pun? Fuck It .. I like it ;)
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 17:06, Reply)
Yehudi Menuhin...
...he must be going mad. I see he was found with a vacuum cleaner near Speakers Corner cleaning up all the litter.



you could say....


'Orchestral Man Hoovers in the Park'.

I thank you.
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 16:10, 2 replies)
Inspired by the mighty Pooflake...
and apologies but slightly off topic -

The Spice Girls.

Which one would you chuck the mighty white tadpoles up???


Oh shit, a pun... erm... If I was a cat and suggested this, I'd probably end up in purr-gatory.
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 15:57, 9 replies)
Sade - after her music career ended..
..had to resort to working For "dr" Gillian Mckeith..

.. yes she is now a smooth ploppy rater

(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 15:38, Reply)
Its not so funny meow is it?

(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 14:54, 2 replies)
A friend of mine
is in the Secret Service. Recently, he was based over in Iraq. He saw some pretty fucked up shit.

I remember when he first came back from his tour, he was shaking and he looked at me with a whimsical smile. I could see a glassy look in his eye. Only one thing for it: pub.

We were sat in our local for a ages, talking about football, movies, who you'd most like to fuck out of the Spice Girls (still a favorite, all these years later).

Eventually, seeing my mate's demenour alter, seeing him relax, I ventured: "Do you want to talk about it... You know, about Iraq?"

He shook his head, put his head in his hands for a moment, and breathed a heavy breath. He picked up his pint and said: "It was fucking horrible over there."

"Lot's of killing and torture, that sort of shit?" I asked - never really knew when to shut up, me.

My mate shook his head, "No. I was based somewhere on the coast where it was pretty easy going. Spent most of the time in the sea and chasing the ladies round. No," my mate shook his head and sighed a protracted sigh. "There was this fella there, another Secret Service officer..."

"Go on," I urged.

And my mate downed his pint, slammed the glass on the table and said: "Well, he kept telling these awful fucking puns. I mean constantly.... If I ever hear anyone mention 'one pun in ten', or some shit about inverness caledonian thistle beating celtic, or some accountant working shit out of their arse with a pencil, well," and he looked at me with a look of absolute serenity. "I'll fucking murder 'um."

You have been warned...
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 14:53, 9 replies)
Will the last person to leave this week’s question…

Kindly remember to turn the shite off and close the bore behind you…
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 14:40, 4 replies)
best man at my friends wedding, I was dressed in a kilt and all that business. In my speech I said that I looked like a tartan shuttlecock, a line I'd stolen off bestmanspeech.com. Only I was nervous, and said 'here I an dressed like a Spartan puddle-cock' whatever that is. I certainly felt like a puddle-cock.
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 14:31, Reply)
More a Spoonerism but...
Boasting about being able to play the 'sailor's porn-hype' did not go as well as expected.

I can laugh about it now though
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 14:01, Reply)
I must have misheard....
I was playing out the other week with some friends, it was a snow day and we decided to go out in it. After some time wandering around, we noticed some kids taking a bit of time out from playing in the snow and we sat and watched them playing some football for a bit.

One of the lads kicked the ball over to me, I think he was trying to impress us with his skills (but he hit it towards the girls, not the goal....)

Anyway, the lads shouted something at me, and after hearing what he said, I thought "To hell with it and did as they suggested, the rest as they say is history!"

Turns out, they didn't shout "On my sled love!" after all.....
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 13:59, Reply)

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