I always wondered what pic they show on Top Gear
When Jeremy says 'I was on the internet and found this!'

If you google image search 'Tailpipe Man' (WARNING - NSFW) you will see the pic they show the audience. Your imagination will probably do if you don't fancy googling.

He does not seem too ashamed of what he does with his.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 9:07, 6 replies)

I stood in front of her when she was on the phone to her mother,
an apple tied to my glans with a length of string, swinging to and fro like some bizarre cock-fruit clock pendulum.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 8:49, Reply)

Replied to this QOTW
as it is more of a pile of wank than any real wanking ive done with my proper cock
( SiX and his hat, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 8:45, 1 reply)

I suppose it must be the time
when I invited a young homosexual German man to my castle and fried his cock in garlic, before eating him.

What was I thinking?
(SSSSS, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 7:19, Reply)

A rather attractive bloke
Named "James". Alas, it was not to be, and my experimenting days are over.

I'm now very firmly heterosexual, though it's a tad embarrassing when mention of my forays into effeminate young men surface, usually at parties.

Shirley Bindun?
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 5:46, 1 reply)

Hmm
when it's your first time with a lady, or you're looking for an excuse to snuggle up before making your move, you put a movie on right?

And when you make the move, if it goes well, you often forget to turn off the movie, after all, why pause and lose momentum/let the rohypnol wear off?

And so it is that sometimes you happen to engage in that most sensual and intimate of activities that your luncheon meat truncheon can ever engage in, whilst listening to some strangely inappropriate stuff.

The strangest things I've had playing in the background during sex.

Fight Club (kinda sexy, but the violence made me feel a bit wrong, although even I can appreciate Brad Pitt in that movie)

Eddie Izzard (even dressed as a woman, he doesn't quite do it for me)

Monty Python (Dinsdale! Dinnnsdale!)

The DVD title menu for Wallace and Gromit, Curse of the Were-Rabbit (yup, didn't even get to press play, it provided a nice tempo, and nothings better for keeping your mind off the task at hand in order to prolong things than thinking about plasticine dogs)
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 5:27, 3 replies)

Worst thing?
Using it in a sentence that ended with "mightier than the sword"
( difficultchild, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 3:13, 1 reply)

Errol Brown's piano
A few years ago, myself and a friend found ourselves at a BBQ party held at a certain Errol Brown's UK residence, a country pile just outside london. The legendary Hot Chocolate singer wasn't there and thankfully so, because as the afternoon wore on, with free booze flowing in addition to the sumptuous feast displayed alongside the outdoor pool so too did our common sense, our mischievous side coupling with sheer giddiness at being at such an exclusive place.So much so that later on when we'd ventured inside and found his immaculate white piano; a piano used by Brown to write some of his best-loved hits, my friend gave me the nod to move away from the piano. He couldn't play, I was sure of that, so I knew that some bright idea had clicked in that twisted brain of his.

Cue the somewhat ridiculous scene of him playing 'Happy Birthday' (badly, and out-of-key) with his cock on Errol Brown's priceless white piano whilst simultaneously looking with genuine interest at photos on the top of said piano, of Brown shaking hands with the likes of Nelson Mandella.

Errol Brown, if you're reading this, we are very very sorry.
(BeardyMat, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 2:54, 1 reply)

I don't know if it's evil, or beautiful
I found out my girlfriend had cheated on me while away at the Download festival a few days before. Gutted, but most of all annoyed with myself (I'd been mentally beating myself up all weekend for being paranoid and distrustful - with what turned out to be absolute accuracy) I dumped her, and within a couple of days slept with another girl who had been quite into me before I got together with the girlfriend.

The girlfriend was devastated. She spent a week trying to contact me and apologise, telling me she loved me, had made a huge mistake and needed me back, etc etc. I told her she could shove it, but of course I did so in rather more apoplectic and rageful terms.

Eventually, after much pleading, I agreed to see her for five minutes, with absolutely no intention of giving the bitch any hope whatsoever.

She pleaded her case. I gave her no short shrift in telling her how little I cared. Realising she had no hope of changing my mind, she walked off into the Swansea night in tears, with about four miles to walk home and no money for a taxi.

I, despite my anger, am a fucking pathetic wuss at heart, and about a minute later I relented, because I could not let a young woman walk home alone late at night. So I phoned her, told her to come back and stay and then leave in the morning.

So she stayed with me, and she kissed me, and then she kissed me again, and then the kiss turned into pissed-off, resentful sex. And at the end of the pissed-off, resentful sex, with my unsheathed cock still dripping inside her, I said to her "You realise nothing's changed, don't you?"

In retrospect, it was quite unsurprising that she burst into tears.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 22:09, 3 replies)

The Masturbator
Well, he told me he was a frequent masturbator. I assumed, with my obviously incorrect knowledge of male masturbation, that this act must have been carried out once (on average (i was going to say roughly . . . but that's not the point)) a day. How wrong i was.

I'm most ashamed that he put his penis in me, repeatedly, for more than two hours and i had absolutely no enjoyment whatsoever! I mean none at all! It was so bad and boring that i was even considering asking him to get out so that i could go home!

Length; Irrelevant.
(GsterMum, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 21:04, 2 replies)

Distraction Techniques
It's always fun to use my penis to devious ends when the missus is on the phone, normally to her mother or someone equally important. My personal favourite is the suprise cock slap when she least expects it...

Woo first post.
(Captain Kenneth 's Greatest Hits on sale now, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 19:30, 4 replies)

The thing I’m most ashamed of doing with a penis...
...putting one up for sale on eBay.

Once upon a time I accidentally took a Parker pen from a workmate’s desk.

When he realised it was gone he asked for it back and I said I would return it.

However, before I could get it back to him he took my special battery-powered stapler in retaliation.

In turn I, like any rational being, decided to put his Parker pen on eBay.

He got me back by encasing my beloved stapler in jelly. I did not find this funny.

He then took the extra step of putting the jellified stapler on eBay. This was also unfunny.

He then went even further and promoted his auction to anybody who would listen, including the BackBytes page of Computing magazine. Despite the comedy rule of three, I still didn’t find this funny.

Luckily for us two co-workers intervened, won both auctions and ensured the items of stationery were returned to their original owners.

Looking back, I am ashamed of my childish behaviour.

Oh, and apologies for the typo above.
( GarbageFan didn't know what to have as a board sig on, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 19:16, 2 replies)

buying his music
worryingly i really like every new james blunt song i hear these days. wtf is happening to me, old age??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 18:15, 13 replies)

Wipage
I don't feel ashamed telling anyone this, in fact I feel a certain pride.

About seven years ago, after drinking a heinous amount in the Leicester (luckily, it's the only time I've ever been there), I decided to wipe my man-snake on the driver's side door handle of a car.

But this wasn't just any car, it was a Ferrari. And it wasn't just any Ferrari - it belonged to Robbie Savage.

*Cue rough tackle jokes*
(commodore69 loves big butts, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 17:05, 3 replies)

A story passed on...
About one of those typical teenage type housepartys when your parents go away - full of booze, more booze and of course, sexy things.

Giving it a good few hours of drinking later, a couple had got a bit raunchy and decided to have a bit right there and then. And so they go, stumbling through this nice house and manage to actually find a living room vacant. The door shuts and off go the lights. Legs akimbo at this point, and maybe with a cheeky finger here and there.
Perhaps it was just dark, or perhaps it was the alcohol fuelled inhibitions, that made him do her up the bum.
Now he was probably going at it living this fantasy, while she was suddenly beginning to think, something isn't right... oh yes, she poos.

Right there on the sofa.

Now that's enough to end anything. And so they stop (or finish) and just when they do, someone is heard coming through the front door -
"What the hell is going on?!"
The parent!
Cue brushing yourself off, tidying the sofa and switching the lights on faster than you can say anal. The mother walks in to the living room and instantly spots the faeces on her beloved furniture.

Oh shit.

"Is that... oh ffs, the dog took a shit inside the house again?!"
She storms off, oblivious to their dirty deed. The pair breathe a long sigh of relief.

A couple of months later the penis involved returns to this house to visit his friend, back from university. Walking in, now sober, he sees the sofa as it was before, and reminisces to himself with an undeserving smirk upon his face.
But something's missing.

"Where's the dog to?" He asks his friend.

"He's gone." He replies.
"Mum had him put down because he couldn't stop shitting inside."

Cue guilt, shame and a one way ticket to hell.


So it's official: anal kills dogs.
(The-Banana, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 16:23, 8 replies)

Not nice but I've been forgiven
Many years ago fooling around naked in bed with the future Mr Stitz, he took the piss out of me for something, can't remember what but it was sufficient to annoy me. So I picked my nose & wiped the bogey on his cock! That shut the fucker up! (I now realise that fellas are actually quite sensitive about such things and it was thrown back in my face on many occasions - the incident that is, not the cock!)
(norma stitz, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 14:48, 1 reply)

I'm not actually ashamed of this...
but yesterday morning I flashed anyone driving along the A4 at the wrong moment, by nakedly opening the curtains in a Life of Brian-esque "behold the Messiah!" moment, forgetting that my Travelodge room wasn't facing the car park like normal.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 14:18, 3 replies)

Reading Festival 2004
Green Day headlined the Sunday night (I was young and naive), I'd got through a 24 case of Foster's with the help of 3 friends throughout the day in the campsite and I'd had 3 or 4 pints of beer in the actual gig part of the site. Add to this we'd just found a killer spot to see Green Day and weren't moving.

I saw one of my female friends squatting, surrounded by her friends at one point. Of course I asked her what she was doing and of course she was having a piss.

I thought it was a great idea, whipped the little chap out and pissed up the back of the dress of the girl in front of me. Cue her and her boyfriend turning around and ripping into me, with my friends backing away leaving me looking rather sheepish.

Length? Too short to mention really.
(welshyboy, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 13:06, 3 replies)

Always wear a belt when dealing with bees...
Being fairly yokel-like, we've kept a fair amount of livestock in our time. No cows or pigs, but chickens, ducks and we've recently tried to get onboard the craze for bee-keeping and promoting the dying art of British honey. Bloody tasty stuff it is too, when made in your own back garden.

Anyhow, my next-door neighbour, Griff (he's not really called Griff, his name's Bill, but he bears a startling resemblence to Griff Rhys Jones and everyone including his wife and kids calls him that), wanted in on the game so I took him down to a large farm nearby that had loads of hives and - more importantly - the raw materials needed to build one's own.

The owner effusively took us over to a brick storage bin with a heavy wooden lid. Heavy to the extent that, to a couple of weaklings like Griff and I, it needed two people to lift it. So Griff and I heaved away and were a little startled as half a dozen bees buzzed out.

"Don't worry about that," grunted the beekeeper. "They have a habit of hiding in there. It's the traces of pollen on the wood-slats that attracts them.

So we carried on rooting through the pile of timber inside this bin. Given where we'd chosen to lift the lid we were rather uncomfortably face-to-face. And that's where my facial hair began to interfere.

For local amateur-dramatic reasons, I had been forced to stop shaving for the previous few months and was boasting a rather luxurious 'full set'. Rather too full, as it happens, for the hair on my top lip had become rather too enthusiastic and started creeping up my nostrils. And I'm sorry now for having to share that with you. But not as sorry as Griff was.

With one hand propping open the lid and the other supporting me as I leaned over the brick sides, I felt the uncomfortable nose tingle that marked an irritant sneeze coming on. And given that Griff's head was literally inches from my mouth, I didn't think sneezing was a diplomatic option. Instead I submitted to some ridiculous bunny-nose-twitching contortions and grimacing while trying to hold back what felt like half the air and snot in Gloucestershire. Knowing that it was my hairy fizzog to blame, I started blowing in a vaguely upwards direction to dislodge the offending hair. This proved not to be a great idea as I quickly realised that I was also blowing on the back of Griff's neck and, in effect, giving him a great bit of man flirt.

Without lifting his head, Griff rumbled: "You blowing on my neck, mate?"

"Er...yeah. Sorry, it's my 'tache itching."

"Well, I'd be a darn sight happier if you pointed it away from me."

With a great deal of self-control, I directed my snorting and out-of-control facial hair in another direction. And, as Griff made some positive noises about the bits of wood he found, I felt another ominous feeling. One that would do my gay-flirting credentials no help whatsoever.

Slowly, oh so slowly, I could feel my jeans inching their way down my arse-crack. There was no remedial action here: I had been relying on my ample gut to hold my trousers up, and my hips just weren't up to the job. With both hands still out of commission, I positively willed my denims to stay up, but they slowly continued their inexorable descent.

All of a sudden, three things happened almost simultaneously: Griff gave a sudden exclamation as he found a suitable bit of wood and picked it up, my jeans gave up the battle against gravity and slipped down to ankle height, and a alarmed bee shot out from under Griff's new hive wall and sought refuge in the nearest warm dark place...

...my pants...

"YYYOOOOWWWWOOOOOOOHHHBASTARDOOOOWWWOOOOOOSHIIT" went I, leaping up and down. Clearly this wasn't the cleverest move, because my trousers were still around my ankles, causing me to pitch forward, crack my head on the bricks and fall, stunned but vaguely awake, into the mud. The bee shot out of my pants, and frankly who can blame it?

The beekeeper dashed over with a look of worry and slight bemusement (don't forget I was still sans trousers). "What on Earth were you doing?" he bellowed?

Still slightly woozy, I propped myself up on an elbow, regarded him with hazy focus and muttered:

"Vetting hive bin, moustache aimed off to win Griff happiness"

Puns week? Fuck off!
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 11:50, Reply)

Sticking it in some wrong persons
Then again, youth has its rights.
Not really, it still makes me cringe.
(firestormviper!!1 approaching god through cigarettes, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 9:36, 1 reply)

Embarrassing?
When I got raped at 19, I guess. I probably shouldn't have been the one ashamed, but when you're a bloke, that's how it goes.

You'll be happy to know however that it pierced my Christian inhibitions and a month later I came out as gay. I've still never had a relationship, but I've had a lot of consensual sex with guys since then, and I found out what I like

And the guy who did it actually apologised to me ten years later.

I still slapped him round the face. Hard.

B3ta virginity finally gone too, at 37.
(jajwhite, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 9:28, 12 replies)

used it to type an essay when I was at uni.
obviously it was very slow and inefficient, being pretty much outdated even then...

hang on, sorry, I've done it again. I was thinking of my Wang.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 2:30, 1 reply)

Letting
it go.
( cackers, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 2:15, Reply)

It just goes to show you can't be too careful!

( Zuowan, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 1:53, 1 reply)

I don't do shame
what's to be ashamed of?

But I do do seedy:

My mate's 'rents were going away for a few days and I was to stay at his house, without their knowledge. I turned up on the evening after they were supposed to have left but they were running late, by several hours.

We took the dog for a walk and he left me by some bushes on the common near his house saying he'd come and get me when they eventually left.

I was there for hours, it was night time, it was cold, I was bored, so I sat amongst the bushes and had a wank to warm myself up. Then another. Then another.

At one point, a boyfriend/girlfriend combination wandered past at around pub kicking out time and spotted me. The boyfriend asked me if I'd like to have sex with his girlfriend but I politely declined even though he informed me "She's good you know".

Should have said yes despite the fear that they probabaly would have tied me up and tortured me, Letchworth can be just as dangerous as South Central LA.

Still, nice to get the offer.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 1:05, 1 reply)

I've been meaning to get this off of my chest
or rather get my mate's chest off of my memory...

The 'rents had gone away.

A couple of mates and I were lounging about in my 'rents lounge when my mate, the one with the enourmous tadger who was always so very keen to demonstrate it's enormity, suggested that we perform some kind of circular sex act upon each other.

Straight but young and perverted, we arranged ourselves in a triangle and "closed the circle" via our cocks and mouths.

This didn't do anything for me so after a few minutes I gayed out and left the two of them to a more conventional soixante neuf type arrangement.

I went into the downstairs toilet and decided to finish myself off by imagining doing it with girls.

Moments from climax, I had a bright idea, so bright in fact, it was translucent. I ran into the lounge and spattered the pair of them, most of the damage landing on one mate's chest.

"Oi!" He exclaimed, "WTF?" he continued.

I don't think he was in any position to be uttering the "W", "T" and "F" question.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 0:42, 15 replies)

sold it
to an entire German family.

Wait - no, sorry...I was thinking of my enormous sausage.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 23:53, Reply)

so there was me, 15
and just admiring my length, in the bathroom. As you do.

Well fuck, who wouldn't have admired it? I mean, I had hair for crying out loud! Surely this was cooler then sliced bread.

I had to tell someone. I must have been the *only* person sprouting hair at my age! Never mind that Whacko Jacko was feeling up all the kiddies - I was safe from now on! I mean, I had hair!

So I call my mate over when the folks aren't round. Lets call him Mark for that was his name.

"Check this out!" I say, and flop my admirable length out and let him bask in the hairiness of my shlong.

To my utter embarrassment, Mark laughed. What the fuck? thinks I, what is going on?
Then to my eternal shame, he pulled his pants all the way off and showed me his far hairier and larger length.

Then we both realised we were standing alone, in the kitchen, with our dicks out and staring at each other. Hurriedly we both tucked ourselves away and never spoke of it again. Until Now.

Mark - if you're out there - I (now) have a bigger penis then you!
(You Will Return to The Scene of the Crime, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 23:43, 2 replies)

This QOTW is shit.
How can I delete my b3ta account?
(gordonjcp, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 23:03, 9 replies)