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This is a question The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Confess. Female b3tans may need to improvise.

(, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:13)
Pages: Latest, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Smack the Pony

...please forgive me.

Last one from me this week, been building up to this motherfucker.

The heady days of summer, 1993, I'm eighteen and have just finished my A-Levels. Through some fucking fluke I got excellent grades and was off to Manchester later in the year to piss about, do shitloads of drugs, and pretend to be that cunt Morrissey (only without the fucking flowers). Life was good, life was excellent.

I had a job that glorious hot summer working in a garden centre in Northampton (just opposite Sixfields for anyone who knows the area). I got friendly with a group of summer workers there and we'd end up doing the tried and tested past time of teenagers everywhere - stock up on enough white lightning to kill a tyranosaurus rex, enough packets of Royals to cause serious illness and disease to the population of your average medium-sized town, and fuck off to a field, relax in the sun, and get shitfaced.

Happy days...

Now, most of the people I used to hang round with that summer have faded from my memory on account of them having a penis. I only seem to remember the various ladies who've floated through my life - I think the vauge chance that I might actually get my end away with some lovely girly means I tend to remember them more than a useless fucking bloke. I mean, what the fuck can I do with a cock?

Anyway, this was back in the day before my cherry had been popped. (That happened when I was nineteen). And I'd developed a bit of an infactuation with a cool as fuck girl who used to work at the garden centre in the pond supplies department. She was named Katie and would hand round with us fellas, come drinking with us, and generally be more blokey than the rest of us combined.

She was also very pretty, in a Courtney Love kind of way (yes, I know - but I was only eighteen and desperate to feel the insides of a real live woman). She'd wear big black doc martins, little summery dresses with flowers, and fishnets with loads of holes in them. She was, in my teenage mindseye, fucking perfect.

One summers' evening we're sat round in a field, Katie and I and some random blokes from the garden centre. We're drinking, smoking, and listening to Jane's Addiction on a portable stereo. There's a couple of ponys mulling about too, they don't seem to mind us and just carry on grazing, doing pony-related shit.

Then we humans start to play a game. The game is simply named: Katie, Show Us Your Tits.

And she does.

And there's an awed quiet as five or six teenage lads try and hide instant rock hard erections. Seeing a pair of boobies was more impressive than having ET's spaceship land in that field and for the occupants to ask for directions to Elliot's house. It was, quite simply, awsome.

Katie's laughing at us. She's enjoying the tractor beam hold she's having on us pittiful lads.

With an evil glint in her eye she says:

"If you all give me a fiver I'll touch one of the cocks in this field," and she chuckles like a nutter, eyeing each and everyone of us up, almost rubbing her hands in glee.

Us fellas look at each other. The odds were about 6 - 1 of having a real live female stroke the luncheon meat truncheon. The odds were fucking amazing as in any other social situation the chances of getting the same were akin to winning the lottery.

So we all chip in our fivers.

Katie tucks the cash in her hemp bag and scurries off.

What the fuck is she doing?

And she approaches one of the two ponies, a little jet black fucker with a shaggy black mane, and she turns back to us, stroking the pony's back, and says:

"You ready?"

We can't turn away. We sort of know what's about to happen, but we're compelled to watch.

As Katie bends down and strokes the pony's ebony cock. She wraps both hands round the mighty member and pulls like she's milking a fucking cow. The pony doesn't seem to notice, just carries on grazing away at the grass.

But its cock certainly does.

Within moments the damn thing has trippled in size, its popped out the sheath and is dangling, hard and pink with a great black bell end.

"Ha!" says Katie, turning back to us with a sly look on her face. "Ha!" and she turns back to her pony cock.

After a few more strokes she stands, pats the pony's shaggy mane, and saunters back over to us.

"Got you all!" she giggled.

And I have to admit its my eternal shame that I was harder than I'd ever been in my life and ever have been since. Seeing that display will stay with me til the day I die as the sexiest thing my own two eyes has ever seen a woman do with a cock. OK, it wasn't my cock, and its probably a bit weird that the cock in question belonged to an animal, but I tell you what - it was damn sexy.

"Katie," I said as she stood infront of us, hands on hips, smiling down. "If I'd have known you were going to do that I'd probably have given you a tenner."

Katie sat amoung us, opened a packet of crisps, had a few and then offered the packet round.

"No thanks, Katie," I said, although it was fucking sexy I really didn't fancy the thought of eating crisps flavoured with the delicate scent of pony cock anytime soon.
(, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 10:02, 7 replies)
nothing too bad
But I did once put my balls in a mug of warm water to see if they'd shrivel up more.

Turns out lefty's a shriveller.
(, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 9:13, 4 replies)
With my penis
I have ejaculated on the faces of 1000 women.

Yours truly

Peter North.
(, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 3:11, 2 replies)
How to end a 3 year relationship by accident
A couple of years ago when i was in a long term realtion, as i took a long summer holiday all over america with my guy friends and staying true to her for 2 months while there were piles of poon all around for the whole time, i was promised a great and bountiful reward when i got home, which egged me on, so time comes that i get home and am welcomed at the airport by 'she' and we drive back to her house which here parents have left to her for the week, Sounds promising i think to myself
now jetlag had completely pwned me at this time so i go straight to sleep while shes at work. about 7 hours laters shes back from her part time job as a helper in an old peoples home, she informs me that the first part of my gift is in her handbag, so after a brief trip to the lav and a drink i look. there are 2 blue diamond shaped pills sporting the word 'pfizer'
she informs me of her plan to practically fuck for an entire day which sounds good at the time, so i pop them both in and we get down to it
many times
for many hours
now when on viagra when you REALLY dont need it
reload goes from about 45 minutes down to about 10 but your 'deposit' lessens and lessons, which is a bit sad to witness
about 7 or 8 hours into the romp
the room stinking of sweat and shame
my pork sword is lessening in its rigidity and is now slightly on the floppy side, a good firmness for a cockslap
but alas, i inform 'she' that this will be the last time before i need more sleep or a cock splint
so we get into this and she informs me she wants me to shoot my load in her face at the end, about 5 minutes into this particular expidition i get that twinge from below and it feels a bit wierder than just your average vinigar strokes
i carry on for a minute and notice that the faster i go the better it feels and thusly tell her to flip over and open her mouth
as im fapping away with this funny feeling continuing i just think 'fuck it'
this feels better when i strain so ill just go for it

oh god




all over her face, the bed, in her mouth over her tits her pillows ALL her clothes and in my run to the bathroom her shoes and the laminate floor in the kitchen all i hear from the bathroom where im trying to supress my self from laughing as im peeing at 45 degrees up the shower wall is profanities and explatives
of all kinda of unholy contexts
i stay in there for another 5 minutes making sure im empty
and then decide i should leave
as i walk out the bathroom theres my clothing piled on the counter so i take this as a sign that she thinks i should fuck miles of off
as i walk past her room on the way out i knock and a subtle reply of 'FUCK OFF I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN'
so i did.

as im walking down the road with my suitcase and numb cock i see a familiar car drive past me with 2 middle age people waving frantically at me,
her parents
'we didnt know you were back, when are you next seeing 'she'?'
'...You'll have to ask her that im afraid'
was my reply
which evoked 2 puzzled looks and they carry on to her house
i havent any more word from her, her parents or any of her friends for the last 3 years

im more ashamed of not taking advantage of the american poon situation, before coming home and wrecking my ex's downstairs and then peeing all over her house

(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 23:18, 10 replies)
a porno which is probably availble in your local grown up DVD store.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 22:51, Reply)
My Job
I work in a dounut factory....

"grabs hoodie"
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 20:52, 4 replies)
Not me but my whole country
Every year, Van Dale, Belgiums most respected dictionary, elects the 'Word of the Year'. The winner for 2008 is 'swaffelen'.

It's a verb which means "to delibarately swing a penis against a person or object, with the objective of arousing oneself or another person."

Just imaging hearing that on the morning news while living there and you know why I haven't left my room since. If one of you could e-mail me some food rations, it's be much apreciated.

Proof on this link: woordvanhetjaar.vandale.nl/

(I've tried running the definition through Babelfish, but was utterly disappointed by their refusal to translate the word 'geslachtsdeel'. It's the most polite and SFW term for 'male genitalia'... And what the fish are bindweeds???)
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 19:59, 5 replies)
The war.
Our tale begins in a club in Liverpool, where I asked my friend to hold my pint while I went to the toilet. I returned and drank my pint, enjoying the subtle play of the bubbles on my tongue, whilst my friends enjoyed a hilarious joke. Upon finishing my beer, I was informed that my cheeky rapscallion friend Rick (name changed to save my life) had submerged his nether regions in my lovely beer that was now sloshing around in my belly. I was not amused to be perfectly honest, and silently vowed revenge on the little scrote.

Months passed, but I did not forget the injustice doled to me on that fateful night (quite a feat as I was fucking leathered). Until one drinking session where I saw my opportunity, yoinked out a few pubes, and dropped them in his pint. He quaffed his ale, and was confronted by two ginger short'n'curlies. 1-1, and we both have our honour intact.

Until the next day, when I am vomiting my own arsehole out of my mouth, and my deceptive foe sneaks away with my mobile, and does various vile deeds with it. He then leaves it a week before sending the pictures of my phone in his arsecrack to me. This was a step too far. My girlfriend had used my phone in the intervening week, and thus retribution was needed.

The time soon came for Rick to leave these green and pleasant lands to fight for Queen and country in Iraq. He'd acquired a fair bit of kit to pass the time over there, including a DS Lite, which I think was fairly new at the time. Cogs turned, and I devised a plan. Rick was staying at my house, and when he went off to have a shower I sprang in to action, stealthily rummaged through his belongings, and played his DS with my knob. I got the screen and the buttons, nothing was left to chance. A technical fault meant I was unable to capture the act for posterity with my camera, and time was of the essence, so I quickly replaced the DS and went about my business.

The next step was to wait. I wanted him to savour his games console, to enjoy it, and most of all to rub his fingers all over the screen getting my cocksweat all over them. After six long months he returned, with tales of unexploded shells and near misses. I told him of my diabolical work over a coffee.
"That's not my DS, I borrowed it off my friend."
I had slathered my non-sexual secretions and general smegma all over a stranger's DS. I felt terrible for two reasons. Firstly, it was a bit harsh. Secondly, the friend was a 6'5" squaddie, who could knock me out with his eyelid. We agreed a truce soon after in order to protect the innocent.

(Although Rick's sister did put her face right up to the DS screen whilst playing Zelda, so my strike didn't miss completely)
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 18:45, 1 reply)
I formed a double-act with Charles Hodges
...and sang in an over-the-top cockney accent in a pub setting.

Oh, you said penis, not pianist?

Actually that could apply too.

(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 18:22, 1 reply)
Distraction Techniques II
With adequate hip-swinging it's possible to create a kind of percussion instrument using the penis, the lower belly and balls.

Just saying....
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 16:58, Reply)
Earning a roof over my head
Lost and hammered in Sheffield with nowhere to go, chubby lass who has just had a fight with her fella, the porky one got the pork.

The morning after? I get a lifetimes worth of shame. Let me tell you know, fat sex does not wash off.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 16:47, 2 replies)
if anyone remembers
mark and lard - they did a segment Lard's Classics Cuts - then they might enjoy this:

Happiness or a penis?

if you want more just go to :

Here :)
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:48, 8 replies)
there are a couple
i've made one bleed quite profusely, due to having tombstone-sized gnashers. to be fair, i did warn him beforehand.

i also once let most of the block know-at full volume-that the bloke i was about to give a quick cock-wash to had little bits of pink bog roll stuck to his rapidly-withering man-meat. suffice to say, that relationship didn't last past that night.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:48, 3 replies)
I'm sure my dearly beloved
won't mind me telling you about the first time we did anal.

I'm sure she'd be absolutely fucking overjoyed.

Anyway, we do the deed. A handy squirt of shower gel smeared on my purple headed spunk-chucker as lube and we're away.

And rather nice it was too. Tiny girl, my Mrs, size 8. Thought I might have done her some internal damage.

But no. She's from Cardiff and like most girls from Cardiff, they're well versed in the fine art of anal by the time they're about fourteen.

Afterwards, we're lying in bed panting and sweaty. She asks me how it was. I say: "Very lovely, thank you."

I glance down at my cock, wanting to give the fella a bit of a wipe as he feels a bit... sticky.

And he's encased in pale yellow shit. He looks something akin to Han Solo encased in carbonite in The Empire Strikes Back, only my little chap's not being pushed round by Boba Fett on an antigrav sled.

Then I notice my nadgers are, thighs and even my knees are smeared in shit.

And the sheets. I glance over to Ms Hanky lying on her front, panting. Her pert little bottom isn't looking its best. Her cheeks are covered in, yep, shit.

Either my spunk acted as a lubricant on her bowls or the pounding must've acted had some kind of plunger effect, like a sink being unblocked.

The bedsheets we're covered too.

Even the fucking pillows.

I glance further over my shoulder and -

Yep, there's even a delicate female-sized handprint in lovely yellowish shit on the wall above the headboard. In our passion Ms Hanky had somehow managed to cover her hand in the stuff and had used it to steady herself as I hammered away from behind.

As soon as Ms Hanky caught on, surveying the scene in our room with her big blue eyes, she shot up and was running to the bathroom to have a shower, leaving me looking back down at my cock. Well, she's not gonna suck it now, I thought. It appeared to look back at me. If it could talk it would've said:

"Look what you've done to me! Look! You utter, utter cuntbag bastard!"

To this day, the Ms Hanky hates it when I bring up our first ever adventure in bum sex.

I mean, what should've been a romantic event was reduced to a farce.

It should've been remembered for what it was: An act of love and trust and ultimate friendship with my life partner...

...(where I just happened to squirt a hot load of manfat inside her colon).

(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:19, 11 replies)
Well I converted the cellar under my house

and used it as a love nest/creche...
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:16, 2 replies)
Salvador Dalí should win.
Years ago I read a story from an interview he did about his 1st attempt at seduction.

She was an older teenage apple picker (or some job like that like that) and he the very young farmers son.

He decided that we was in love with her and he wracked his brains trying to find the best way to declare his love and let the good times roll.

he eventualy came up with a plan.

1 day he called her into the barn, when she entered he was no where to be found. All of a sudden a naked blue boy jumps from the rafters and lands ontop of her, desperately trying to get her clothes off, she fights him off and runs away screaming. Dali couldn;t understand what went wrong. He thought she'd said she liked the colour blue.

He'd stripped naked and dyed himself her favorite colour thinking that it may result in some fun times.

Most embarassing thing you've done with a penis? Beat stripping naked, dying it blue (and the rest of you) and trying to grope an older teenage girl at your daddy's farm.

Haven;t been able to find any online sources to confirm/deny this story but I'm so sure I read about it in an interview he did.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:10, 5 replies)
I was in Portugal on holiday, and this couple went out to get pissed, leaving their daughter in their room...
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 14:45, 10 replies)
wrong, just wrong
I've done a few stupid things with, or rather to, my gentleman in the past.

1. When I was about 7 years old, I thought it would be interesting to put toothpase in my foreskin. I found it wasn't interesting while crying alone behind the sofa later.

2. At around 13 I covered my ball-sack in bubblebath liquid or shampoo or something (can't remember what). It felt great at the time but I got interupted and didn't wash it off. When I went for a shower later, it had irritated my boogie-bag and I had a red and paper-thin clackersack with flaking bits of skin and the whole hilarious works! I think I cried that night.

3. As an adult, I had my then girlfriend giving me a bit of pleasuring when she started giving me love bites on the old chap. I thought, "ooh, this is a bit dirty!" and let her carry on. The next day I woke up with a stonking hard-on, you know, MEGA-STIFFY- the kind where you get peelback. But, I needed a wazz, so I wapped him out and, like a vicar with a quireboy, started to push him down when I saw that I had a ZOMBIE knob!
All down the shaft and even on the bell, it looked like I had knob-rot, either that or I was slowly turning into a leopard.
Love bites on the cock. Bad idea kids, don't do it.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 14:33, 1 reply)
When I was a kid I had a babysitter who was very hot.
She wore fishnets and had the sexiest red hair.

I was 9 and loved her with all my heart

So I rubbed my penis around the rim of her mug every time I offered to make her a drink.

(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 14:28, 3 replies)
A painful memory
I've put it in lots of places of fun and moistness.

Even had mine pierced.

One of my earliest memory's was When I was three, and being circumsized. This was quite obviusly painful. The John Wayne stumble was my only way of getting around. For the first few days I wouldn't wear any shorts or trousers, I couldn't. My mother would try and encouage me to go to the toilet, with this being painful, I was reluctant to say the least.

I hadn't been for 24 hours. I must have had a bladder swollen to the size of a football.

When I finally went I was in the living room. A stream of pee left me with such force there was no arc. but just a straight yellow steaming stream, until it hit the wall ten foot away. Releif and pain at the same time. I don't think I've ever peed that much even now.

Length, Not a lot, But I've always been complemented on the girth.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 14:21, Reply)
My one and only!
I must admit that I am not very popular with the ladies. Mainly due to my longer then average face, and the odd manner in which I walk. But there was this one, she had that glint in her eye that told me she was up for anything!

I took her for a few romantic walks around the countryside during which time she shared her polo’s with me (I bloomin’ love polo’s), I could really feel our bond growing.

One day I walked into my room and there she was bent over, reaching between her legs and touching herself. She turned her head and smiled at me, noticing my ever hardening love stick she gasped; “Oh my, that’s at least three times larger then anything I have ever seen before!”

I could wait no longer I strode up behind her and enthusiastically plunged my love stick deep into her quivering body. It felt slightly strange and wrong, but this only added to my excitement. Pummelling away, her squeals encouraged me to push ever harder and deeper. Finally I reached my climax, unleashing a bucket load man juice which knocked her to her knees. She gave me the rest of her polo’s (Can this day get any better!!?) and waddled out looking slightly ashamed.

I waited for months for her to return, having never experienced anything like this before or since. I heard rumours that she had died from internal bleeding, but I hope this is not true. I am such a stallion!
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 13:46, 5 replies)
Ode to My Cock
My constant companion,
My friend to the end,
My flesh coloured banyan,
Complete with bell end,

I've put him up Marilyn,
And in a Louise,
I've rubbed him on Carolyn,
And dipped him in cheese,

I've slid him in Sharon,
He's spewed on her boobs,
He's diddled a Karen,
Without using lubes,

He's been sat on by Ruth,
And rodgered by Jean,
He's even been let loose,
To deflower a teen,

Even when shrinking,
My pink veiny cane,
Does all of my thinking,
Instead of my brain
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 13:32, 11 replies)
...sat on one. More than once. Then I came to my senses and realised I'm all about the lady love.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 13:08, Reply)
Amourous intent...
I once hit a boyfriend's crotch by accident

his own fault for leaping on me naked in the dark!

Also a rather unfortunate incident with some chilli and a blowjob.. should have washed my mouth out or had some yoghurt or something!

Also broke a banjo string thingy and there was blood everywhere.. very embarrassing sit in A&E that one...

nothing truly amazing and its been MONTHS since I even saw a willy.. I did feel a fairly ample one a few months ago though...!
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 12:49, 2 replies)
One I heard working at Tesco while at college
Lou: Did you hear about Craig the checkout manager?
Maxi: No?
Lou: Hes been going to the doctor because his penis was bright orange.
Maxi: Bright orange?
Lou: Yep, bright orange. He went back for some test results yesterday.
Maxi: Was it anything serious?
Lou: Well, no. They couldn't find anything medically wrong with him. The doctor asked him about his "habits" and it turns out that he has been eating wotsits while watching porn every evening...
Maxi: *Almost falls over with laughter*
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 12:13, 2 replies)
You know them catheters?
The bane of my existance and much discomfort due to an unfortunate accident involving my kidney and a tree.

Once while in for surgery I had a catheter 'inserted' which in itself doesn't rank high on my pleasurable experiances o'meter.

The thing I am ashamed about?

I somehow managed an erection...
Maybe even pulled the pud..

With a bloody great big rubber hose down the japs eye! Hospitals are boring..
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 11:40, 10 replies)
This tale was relayed to me by um, an associate of mine.
I was staying in a hotel as I was on a business trip near the delightful Tunbridge upon Wells. It was a normal chain hotel. I was on my own, so I ordered room service and a couple of beers. Then a bottle of wine. Then, I can only assume judging from the evidence, about six pints of orange juice, an omelette, and a raw pig.

I passed out. I awoke to find myself with a dirty hangover and a raging, urine engorged bonk on. I then fought the battle in my head that all men do in this situation. Do I go for a wee, then come back and have a leisurely wank? Yes, of course. That’s the sensible solution. Hang on. Big problem. I *literally* can’t be bothered to get up. Why not do it the other way around and ignore the nagging bladder sensation?

The mental battle raged for a good few minutes all the while my body had already won and I was not so subtly manipulating myself with my crabby hands. I tossed the sheets off to be completely open to the air. This proved to be a bad move as the sudden exposure to the air shocked my despoiled body. To my horror, my alcohol ravaged senses had betrayed me, and I really really needed to go to the toilet, much more than previous sensory reports had led me to believe.

As I tugged and thought of Miley, urine fountained out of my glistening urethra, sparkled momentarily in the morning air, then rained down on my bewildered and crusty face. I was paralysed. It kept on coming. I smelt the oaty, musty, acrid liquid that was now covering my chest and face. My nostrils started to fill up. I was going to drown in my own piss in a hotel bedroom! It was this thought that broke my paralysis and I rolled over and off the bed to the toilet, peeing from my distended girder as I shambled, like some perverted stop motion garden gnome.

However, this is now a regular feature of my horseplay.

Rubber bed sheets FTW!
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 11:17, 5 replies)
I knew a bloke . . . .
I have lived with a few strange people in my time and a theme that runs through all of these shared houses like a current is bare flesh. To cut a long story short one of my old house mates has a big yellow cock, not just a bit yellow but Simpsons yellow and the size of two soup can's stuck together with a policemans helmet on the end. I fear he may have used this with ladys. I still shudder with fear
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 10:49, Reply)
Indecent Proposal
It gets lonely out on the road.

For a while I used to work as a rep for a large insurance firm (woo, rock n roll). I'd spend lots of time in various travel lodges the length and bredth of the county.

On several occasions I'd have a travelling companion, someone to help pitch whatever twattery we were attempting to sell to whatever fat Jabba-the-Hut bastard happened to be sat behind the desk in the comfy chair at the time.

On one such occasion I worked with a lad from Leeds named Phil. Nice bloke, salt of the earth type of fella who was always up for a bit of a laugh. Used too much fucking hair gel, though.

I recall one night we were in a low budget hotel on the outskirts of Bristol. Through some devine intervention we'd actually managed to sell some insurance-related shite to someone earlier, had hit our sales target for the trip, and had spent the best part of the evening getting well and truly shitfaced.

After a very heavy session in the bar we stagger back to our room. A twin, two single beds, as our company were too tight to fork out for individual rooms.

I collapse on my bed, manage to take my shirt and trousers off whilest horizontal, and shrug the duvet over my drunken form. I imagine Phil does likewise, its not as if I'm paying him much attention.

With the lights out I start my usual nightly routine, I grab my cock and start tugging away, just to get him hard as it just seems to help me sleep better if I nod off with a raging hard on.

But I'm pissed, the five-finger knuckle shuffle feels good, very good.

Thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap

Now usually if I'm sharing a room with another rep I have the decency to wank quietly. But on this night I was really too pissed to care.

But then I realize there's an echo in the room, a beat after my:

Thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap

I hear a corresponding thwappage coming from the other bed.

I stop polishing the pork sword instantly. I've suddenly developed the hearing of Superman. I strain and yes, definately:

Thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap

"Phil? Are you having a wank?" I ask. Suddenly the thought of finishing myself off is a distant memory. The thought of Phil laying a couple of feet away from me wrestling with his love python was incredibly off putting. Ok, I was doing the same thing, but that's different. I'm allowed to wank. In my case its almost always medicinal.

I hear Phil's whispered reply:

"Yeah, Spanky... Are you too?"

"Erm, I was..."

There's a long pause. Then Phil whispers something incredibly fucking horrifying to me, something that is just wrong and made my arsehole pucker up as if someone had just squirted lemon juice up my chocolate starfish.

Phil said:

"Shall I do you and you do me?"

I had to think about that for a while. I wanted to ask if he'd been to public school, or why the fuck he thought I'd be interested in having his grizzly, hair hands stroking my love wand. And the thought of pulling Phil off was just wrong, I mean, I'd share a can of Coke with the fella, but I wouldn't want his spunk all over my hands.

I simply whispered back:

"No. You're alright, Phil. Think I'll pass on that."

And the strange thing was, the next morning when we were both nursing respective tequila-induced hangovers, not a single word was spoken about it.

And never has been since.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 10:42, 2 replies)
When the Mrs. told me she was eating some authentic Jamaican cock

I really wasn't too pleased.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 9:18, 1 reply)

This question is now closed.

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