Spanky beat me to boning a giant woman.
No point going over what is essentially the same story only with different people!

I can't tell the next worst thing I've done with my penis as my brother reads b3ta.

So the next worst thing I have done with my penis? Probably use it to stir my Dad's tea after I found out he was using the internet to cheat on my Mom.

Purely because it really fucking hurt and I should have done it to his orange juice or something less scalding hot!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:20, 8 replies)

Don't drink the milk
I do cook, if I say so myself, a mean chili. And out of all the stuff I cook, it's my favourite meal. However, using real chilis means having to get the seeds out before chopping the chili up, which means the chances of hot, stinging chili stuff ending up on your hands is fairly high.

I'm much more careful now after the incident that saw me having to have a piss once the chili was on the hob; having to tug the foreskin off the bell-end before pissing; going downstairs and back to the kitchen and gradually noticing that my wee fella was feeling somewhat...warm. Then, very warm; then molten hot.

As any fule kno, the stuff in chilis that produces the burning sensation is not dissipated by water. Milk is the best antidote.

So I end up dipping my wick in a glass of milk for some while, hoping that it would reduce the volcanic action taking place down below.

It worked, after a fashion; or maybe the cringe-factor of placing my cock inside a glass of milk like a scene from a Germanic porn flick distracted me from the pain.

I threw the milk away. The chili was delicious. Now I spend many moments cleaning my hands after preparing the food (yes, as well as before - I'm quite hygienic) to avoid having to repeat the cow-juice bath of shame on future occasions.
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:19, 7 replies)

I once
Let a lady play with it.

In the end my penis was sick.

I'd splashed bladder-adder-snot all over her boobies.

True story, written by a drunk
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:15, Reply)

When I was a young'un...
I'll keep it brief.

When I was a wee nipper I had to have surgery to correct undescended testicles. This resulted in two nice horizontal scars above my penis, which are now thankfully covered by pubic hair.

However, when I was 8 they weren't, and I noticed in the mirror they looked like a pair of slit chinese eyes. For this reason, at a family party, I felt the need to drop my trousers slightly, pull out the pockets to look like ears and pop out my penis over the belt, then run around flapping my trunk around and yelling to everyone that I was an elephant.

I still cringe whenever I see my much-older sister's husbands. He remembers the occasion very well and reminds me constantly.
( Regger, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:08, Reply)

Tina "Manchild" Jones & the night I really want to forget...
This is going back a bit.

Thank fuck.

In my early twenties I used to work in a toyshop up in Middlesbrough. Nice job, too many fucking children getting under your feet, but its easy enough to scrape an errant child off the sole of your shoe.

I used to work with a lad named Gary, and one night we went out on the piss to celebrate the fact that it was Friday. We were quite happily getting pissed, talking bollocks, eyeing up the local talent, when a behmoth the size of a block of flats sidles up to our table. At first I thought they'd been a total eclipse of the pub, but it turns out this - thing - was actually Gary's *ahem* little sister, Tina.

She sits down and starts bitching about her day. Fair enough. Its good to have a bit of a moan sometimes.

After a couple of rounds a thought struck my booze-addled brain. I knew Tina. She looked familiar.

"Where have I seen you before, Tina?" I slurred.

She shrugged her massive fucking shoulders, causing the entire pub to shudder.

Then it hit me. I'd seen her playing rugby on the TV. For the All Blacks. She was the spitting image of Jonah Lomu, only with tits.

It was one of those summer evenings where time appears to stand still, where your stuck in your nice comfy seat in the pub like its a fucking womb. The beer kept coming, then the spirits, I may even have drank a few bottles of alcoholic fairy liquid water aka Hooch.

My mate Gary suggests we go to a club. Fair enough. What else am I going to do with my money - open a savings account? So, the three of us end up in some dodgy pisshole of a club.

It was on the way there that I realised I was absolutely fucking cunted to fuck. I ended up staggering into this dark place, finding a nice sofa, and pretty much passing out.

God knows how much time passed, but I came awake when I felt a hand on my groin. A rather forceful hand, rubbing away urgently. I opened my eyes and realised Johna Lomu was attempting to wank me off. Then, before I could stop it, Jonah Lomu had his/her tongue ferreting round inside my gob like a Yorkshire terrier chasing a fucking rabbit down a hole.

And I hate to admit it, but I started to get a little bit aroused. I started to kiss Jonah Lomu back.

After a few minutes of the most incredibly painful tonsil tennis imaginable, I remember thinking, what the hell. I asked Tina if she'd like to come back to mine.

She nodded eagerly. Even in this light, I could swear I could make out a dark patch round her mouth and on her chin where she hadn't shaved properly.

My reasoning for inviting Tina back was simple - I was gonna get a shag. That's pretty much how my thought process goes when I'm pissed:

a) Is there anyone here I can shag?
b) How can I convince/trick them into a shag?
c) Shag or
d) Kebab on way home then an evening of furious wanking over the Adult Channel free preview

So, Tina and I leave the club and are heading for a taxi. The fact that passersby were looking at me and laughing, actually laughing, didn't seem to register.

As I've said already, I was gonna get laid and that's pretty much where my brain stopped working.

One awkward taxi ride later, with Tina attempting to remove the rivets from my jeans with her teeth and me trying not to throw up beer and tia maria and hooch all over her head, we were back at my place.

It was when we got inside I noticed the smell. Imagine the sweatiest, stinkiest changing room in the world stacked high with old socks, jock-straps, and pants. Times this by a hundred and you'll get some idea of the smell emminating from Tina's pits.

"Why don't we have a shower?" I suggested, trying not to gag.

A shag's a shag, Spanky - that was my silent mantra now. A shag's a shag.

"That would be lovely!" Tina exclaimed, and I directed her towards the shower. "Are you gonna join me?" she asked plaintively.

I could hardly say - "No, on account of there barely being enough room in the bathroom to for your fat arse, let alone an entire other human."

So I simply said I'd have one after and went to find some more booze. I was in danger of sobering up here.

When Tina returned she was naked. Or, at least I think she was. It was hard to tell past the rolls of excess skin and flab. I actually shuddered.

I didn't bother with a shower because Tina made it quite clear she wanted to get down to work. She pushed me back onto my sofa, knocking the wind out of me, and she proceeded to suck on my John Thomas as if she was doing CPR. It hurt. But I was getting my cock sucked. Fair trade off in my book.

After a while she asked if I'd: "Go down on her."

I declined, instead I said: "I just wanna be inside you..." The thought of trying to find her sweaty gash in the pounds of excess flesh was too much, I'd probably have required a compass to find my way down and I undoutbedly wouldn't ever return. I was half expecting to find the skeletal, fossilised remains of one of Tina's previous conquests stuck to her inner thigh.

And this is the terrible part...

Tina boomed: "Do you have any... you know... protection?"

My first thought was, I only hope I've got God on my side, because I'm going in but I'm not sure I'll make it out alive.

But then I figured out what she meant. Shit! I didn't have anything.

"Just a minute," I said, and I went to scout round my flat for a random johnny I might have left somewhere.

Bedroom - no joy.
Bathroom - fuck all.
Kitchen - errrr....

I opened the kitchen drawer and saw it, lying there, all inviting. Well, a shag's a shag. I told myself.

Thankfully, mini-me was standing proud. So I prepared myself and went back to my sofa, creaking under Tina's considerable weight.

"Found one," I slurred, thanking Christ I was so incredibly pissed.

And then we fucked. It was scary as hell. She was so HUGE I thought my arse was going to bang against the ceiling.

Afterwards, she dressed quickly and fucked off. And I was left there. I looked down at the spunky, gooey cling film I'd hastily wrapped round my now flacid cock. It looked like a weird bodage party specially prepared - for my penis.

It seemed to have done the trick, though.

Well, I haven't been chased for child support yet...

...or should that be manchild support?
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:04, 15 replies)

I used it to choose a new QOTW.
Signed Scaryduck.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:03, 1 reply)

I think it was when I giggled out loud in the middle of a Sales Meeting
A penis, a penis, the greatest gift that I posses
I thank the Lord I've been blessed
With more than my share of a penis
( bilbobarneybobs I'll be 14 in b3ta years soon., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:01, Reply)

Slicing it...
While practicing some distinctly not safe sex, I trod on my partners penis and took a slice out of it with the edge of my heels. Did the scrotum too...
Turns out, both of these body parts are gushers when they bleed... truly impressive, and I'm glad I wasn't the one who had to clean up after it. Suprisingly we're still together.

Length and girth? Well really quite impressive actuallly
(becca_kitten Is odd at best, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:01, 2 replies)

Voting
one into office in '97
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:59, 4 replies)

Wanking over my sister's bed.
Then she woke up.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:55, Reply)

Oh...well not truly in the spirit but it'll do.
I was once staying at my sister's house. Now my sister lives in an old farmhouse in the Durham Dales. Very old. As in around 500 years. Now, it's also a listed building and so they are fairly limited on the work they can do on it.

I stayed over one night, and woke up to find myself in need of a pee. Unfortunately, little Carrot was not so little at that moment. It looked like an angry plum trying to wrestle its way out of a sausage roll. So off I trot to the bathroom.

Unfortunately, my sister's bathroom has no lock on the door. The general principle is that if the door is closed, then the room is in use.

More unfortunately, I have a 5 year old nephew.

So there I was, trying to wrestle my engorged meatsabre into a position where I could risk a wee, when my nephew opens the door, wanders in, and shouts at that particular volume and resonance that kids use when they want to be at their most unintentionally embarrasing "Uncle Carrot, you've got a huge willy. Why's it gone so hard?"

Great. Way to make me sound like a complete paedo, carrotnephew.

But ta for the "huge willy" comment.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:55, 4 replies)

Trying to see if I could register it as a fingerprint on my laptop's fingerprint scanner.
Just so I could login with a penis print.

It didn't work.
(teddyj, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:54, 5 replies)

I think I am going to cry with shame at this.
When I was about 12, my mum walked into my bedroom without knocking.

I was on my hands and knees on the bed, seeing if I could bend my cock round to touch my arse.

Edit: OK, I may as well go the whole truth, as I am sure it was obvious anyway. I was seeing if I could put it in my arse.


*curls up and dies*


(she didn't leave a cup of tea)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:52, 11 replies)

Putting it in
your mum?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:51, Reply)

Wanking.
in the garden. at 8am on a saturday morning. pilled off my tits - john-thomas in 1 hand, joint in the other.


I'm under going hypnotherapy to try and blank it from my mind.
(TheManofScience, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:49, Reply)

A history of cock
I have so far stuck my cock in....

Melons (See "Desperate Times" or page 3 here),
Virgins (see "Loosing my Virginity")
Napkin rings (see "Scars with History" and "Wanking Disasters" or page 3 again... )
People I've loved (See "Worst Sex Ever")
People I've hated (See "Worst Sex Ever")
A whole host of nice arses
A mate's girlfriend (See "I'm going to hell))
Oranges,
A hole bored in a potato (don't ask)
The twisted sleeve of a T-shirt.
My own fist,
Munters,
Swedes,
Brits,
Germans
A bloke
A shammy-leather,
Sponges,
3 lasses in 8 hours
2 lasses at a time
A vibrating lego contraption I made at the age of 13,
An oven glove
A pillow
Some underwear
Countless socks


I have had my penis pierced a few times (see body modifications)
I've shown it to many people online
I've stirred drinks with it
I've made cock-puppets
There's even a frikkin' photo of it on Wikipedia...
I've shot cum into my own face on by accident...
...And then deliberately for my own amusement.



But this question - much like my cock - must be aimed at someone else, because I'm proud of it all.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:47, 16 replies)

Fleshlights
It feels like a real woman*

*If you're into fucking an anorexic, quadriplegic mute midget who queefs constantly.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:43, 4 replies)

I learned
That, if you're recovering from muscle injuries, washing the deep heat off your hands before going to the toilet is an absolute must.
(davywavy, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:42, Reply)

Ah the wonders of larger!
After being in a hot club until 2am me and the chums walk/stagger down to the local kebab shop to fill up on grease and chilli sauce.
Now dont ask me why but at that moment I deemed it right as to flop my nob out and rub it along the length of the glass counter in the shop infront of all onlookers. The people who work there were quite nice about it and asked if I thought it was a woman.
What made this worse was as it was fresh from the above hot nightclub, the build up of sweat and wee on the end of it left a nice streek a meter and a half along this glass case and being a typical kebab shop, was not cleaned very often. This streak was there for at least a month after and is still refered to often :( !!!! Still sodding funny tbh

Also in B3TA's defence I have liked the recent QOTW and I know this excludes most women but if it was "Whats the strangest thing you have done with your vagina", the site would be brought down by wankers wanting the next band camp story! Stick to willys I say.
(snarf81, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:40, 3 replies)

gah
at least "genitals" would have given the girls a go
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:39, 4 replies)

I touch mine
Shame...

/Catholic
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:39, 1 reply)

Willies are funny.
Every time I'm nekkid with a guy and it stands to attention I always smile with pride and think......I made that happen.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:38, 8 replies)

Alastair,
This is not worthy of you, sir.
( J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:37, 3 replies)

I had a wank
over the Daily Sport when they had the hillarious headline of "Shoots You Sir" when Versace was shot

/meme
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:37, Reply)

Someone asked me how long mine was once.
First, I put it in a thimble. Too big for a thimble.

Then, a cup. Far too big for a cup. The cup nearly cracked.

A pint glass. Yup! Couldn't even fit it in their without it shattering.

We got a bucket, and it was far too big to fit in that.

So then, we got a large wooden cylindrical container. Finally, I found something that my cock could fit into. And, I could move it all around in there too!

So, to recap.

Somebody asked me a question about my cock. It scraped the bottom of the barrel.
(__, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:37, 3 replies)

Writing a girlfriends name in the snow.
And forging her handwriting.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:36, Reply)

Not mine but I did have to watch it happen
I used to work in a large mail order company who opened stores with a name exactly the same as a well known computer magazine.

We had several companies all in the same open plan warehouse sized office, and one day after the usual pub lunch we were sitting at our desks chatting away to clients.

All of a sudden my boss walked up to my mate who was sitting opposite me, whipped out his dick, and stuck it in my mates ear. My mate was on the phone at the time to a large educational establishment, one that I have since started working for.

My mate calmly tells the client that he would call him back in a minute as his boss had just stuck his prick in his ear. He put the phone down, stood up and punched the guy right in the face!

Later that day they were both in front of the MD because of this. My mate walks our grinning and sits back down at his desk. The manager walks out looking down and walked right out of the building.

My mate got away with punching the guy, and the manager got sacked for, now get this, sexual harassment!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:36, 1 reply)

pint glass, a sponge, a condom and fairy liquid
just dont get too carried away as glass shards hurt
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:36, 1 reply)

The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with my pen is
drawing a spunking cock on a toilet wall.
At my Gran's.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:33, Reply)