typed out a shitty reply t6o a shitty qotw
my bellend hurts. keeyboardds are nott as soft aaws you'd tthink.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:43, Reply)

By Sheer
coincidence, I just got sent this....

nsfw








Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:39, 6 replies)

I call mine Zod
Kneel before Zod!



you asked for shameful...
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:34, Reply)

I was wanking to porn once...
...and I was going to come. I didn' want to make a mess all over the place so I tried holding it in. I put my hand over the end of my penis and squeezed as hard as I can. In the end, I came all over the place, and the end of my penis was bleeding from being held onto too hard.
(NERDYLURKER is attempting to divide by zero, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:32, 2 replies)

The Trick....!
As you may know, I used to work in a pub, and this story is about an old boss of mine.

Monty (I never did find out his real name), has this party trick.

He would find a delightfully filthy young filly, ply her with alcohol, and take her back to his pit. We've all done that, but its not The Trick.

While throughly porking the filthy young filly's ham wallet, he would wait until he got to the vinegar strokes. With, the GREATEST TIMING IN THE WORLD EVER (and this is The Trick!) he would fain cramp right before splutting his baby paste. This would make the filly turn around and...yep, you've guessed it, he would splutter right in her ear. Then giggle with delight at the young filly trying to dig his cum out of her ear hole. This is The Trick.
(drain_bamaged, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:15, Reply)

Now you see it....
Now you don't...



Hide and go seek has never been more fun!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:01, Reply)

Hmmm. Most shameful thing with a penis. Well now...


Does my operation count?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:00, 1 reply)

This far.................. from penetration
So desperate to feel what sex was like at the age of 14, trying to bend it up my own bottom. I failed.

I'm straight.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:59, 1 reply)

Back in my uni days...
...so sometime around 2003. I had only just discovered the joys of a broadband connection and unlimited surfing time (oh, the days of evenings-only dial-up!). The world of pr0n lay before me...thehun, kazaa and my trusty tube of vaseline were all I needed.

Until one fateful day, I ran out of vaseline. Now, being a *circumcised* lad, this pretty much rules out any kind of fun to be had. A last-minute resort (pretty japanese teen licking ladyboy ass kind of emergency) was to use a towel, but the friction burns were not the kind of warm fuzzy feeling one wanted.

Soooo...I improvised: shower gel. Now, as some of my fellow pork-jousters may realise, wanking with shower gel *outside* of a shower can be hazardous.

Briefly: If you leave it on overnight, skin starts peeling off.

So what did I do? Tried it again the very next morning.

Shower gel on raw skin? BAD MOVE
(Caveat Emptor, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:58, 1 reply)

Apparently the most shaming thing you can do is just have one...
I have one. But I'm thinking of trading it in for something else. Being an adult male (aka: "possessor of a penis") is a shameful shameful thing.

The other day I'm walking home past my old grade school - I see the kids out playing in the field and I get a bit nostalgic for my younger days. One kid isn't getting to play cause the teams wouldn't be even - so I say what the hell to myself and I hop the fence and ask the kids if they mind me joining in for a bit so we all can play - the outcast kid's face lights up like a christmas tree and ... I'm escorted off the grounds by security (when did schools get security?!?) before I can walk halfway to the field.

Apparently my penis has made me a gay pedophile.

Shameful penis!

My parents will never understand.

I get home quite upset, to find out my roommate's got her lady friends over and they're bemoaning the current economic and job situation. 5 Minutes into that conversation I find out I'm responsible for the (unforgivably low) wages and (totally undesirable) positions of millions of women I've never met, nor hired, nor negotiated salaries with.

Frikkin PENIS! The shame! Now it masterminds the economy!

I take some umbridge at some of the more colorful terms being thrown my way and my roommate, lovely lass that she is - throws a punch at me. And then another. And another. Raising my hands in defense I manage to whack her on the chin. Cops are called.

Unbelievable penis! Now it's made me a domestic abuser!

Forms filled out, bail paid - I run to the pub to drown my sorrows and maybe find a sympathetic shoulder to lean on.

I'm informed by quite a few ladies over the course of the night that my company and conversation are welcome - but only if they come with a pint or fancy drink and a shit load of chatting up - to make up for the fact that I have a (shameful) penis.

Expensively inconvenient intoxicatingly shameful penis! Your very presence demands restitution in the form of libations!
The whole world knows of your evil.

Back at a lovely lasses place later, we have a bit more wine, and get down to business ... where I find out my shameful penis has arrived ready and willing to please - but her righteous vagina is completely unprepared!

Ever-ready penis! FRUSTRATING VAGINA.

So there's cuddling, and snuggling, and kissing and nibbling, and lascivious licking, and lapping of lusciously lustrous lower lips and honestly quite a bit more work on my part which, having a penis, I'm responsible for providing so things can continue to the mutually pleasurable portion.

Slightly wilting, tired and possibly shameful in a whole new way Penis!

Yet we do succeed in a energetic coupling of drunken debauchery and mutual delight and the shameful penis is satiated for another day.

Happy penis. Happy vagina.

Except... in the morning, for reasons of her own - from her past, that evil uncle, from unbalanced chemicals, from anger, need, or whatever...

and because I have a shameful penis

On this innocent morning, after our night of doing all the same things together, she changes her mind and...

I wake up a rapist, and she wakes up a victim.

Damn fucking penis.

It's just shameful the things it does to us. Sometimes I just hate having one.



For the record, and to maybe cut back on some possible reactive comments, yes this is an imaginary story - and - I know it's not easy having a vagina either =)

but, while acknowledging that there are advantages of being a male in society - there really are some disadvantages as well...

one of which seems to be, That if you have a penis - you're a shameful person until proven otherwise, which I'm quite tired of.

This QOTW just kinda set me off I guess - why couldn't it have been the "proudest most impressive thing you've ever done with your penis"? really. seriously. HONESTLY.

I quite like mine. No shame what so ever.

That's probably obvious though =)


No apologies for anything.

*However, No defense of actual rapists, pedos, domestic abusers or the like is intended by this stupidity. Evil is evil no matter the gender. duh.
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:56, 9 replies)

The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis*?

*I:E in posession of a penis.



Replying to this frankly turgid pile of toss QOTW.



That is all
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:34, 1 reply)

why isn't it working?
When I was maybe 12 years old, I was getting aware of sex and my erections wanted more from me.

Well, long story short, the leg of my cuddly toy frog had a convenient size hole in it. I tried to 'have sex' with it, but alas the feel of the cotton innards of a cuddly toy is more chafing than it is arousing. I just couldn't make it work.

Also, a tip: If you too did this, do not get drunk and tell your girlfriend because she *will* share it with your friends and they *will* mock you.
(mmmkay, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:31, 2 replies)

Moley moley moley!
My friend once drew the face of a mole onto her boyfriend's flaccid willy. This makes me giggle every time I think of it!
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:31, Reply)

When I was 7 years old,
I shoved one of those Lego antenna down my pee hole. It hurt like hell so I pulled it out and it hurt for like 3 days after. Don't shove things down your cock, kids.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 18:22, 1 reply)

Did you know you can control an iPhone with your penis?
I now do.
( B.T., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:55, 3 replies)

The greatest urine/girlfriend/hotel story ever told
Was staying in a hotel with my now ex-girlfriend. After much sex and wine, we went to sleep.

At about 4am I awoke needing a piss, still slightly drunk, with eyes stuck together with sleep, I staggered to the toilet. It was still dark and I didn't turn the light on in there, so I just stood in front of the toilet and began to pee.

But instead of a splashy noise, all I heard was a dull, bassy sounding impact. When I finished, I curiously turned on the bathroom light to find my girlfriends clothes sat on the closed toilet seat, absolutley soaked in piss. The immediate solution was to throw them in the bath and go back to sleep.

The morning was met by my total lack of recollection of the event, until the girlfriend went into the bathroom and was dismayed that her clothes had fallen into the bath and had gotten all wet. I have never stifled laughter so hard in all my life.

She never did find out either.
( Jamie_W If your life had a face I would punch it., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:54, 3 replies)

Don't whizz on the electric fence.
'Nuff said.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:50, 7 replies)

Well, that's an easy one!
The goth boy at uni that ended up being a complete disappointment. Having a penis was wasted on that one.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:48, Reply)

hmm
I once gave my supervisor at work a wet willy*

He punched me







*stuck a moist finger in his ear
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:33, 3 replies)

Cock Print
Some years back I had a last minute thought to get creative by giving the current Mrs Nutter a Valentine's Card with an imprint of my fellow.

Posh paper at the ready, I smeared the chap with pink paint but realised he didn't have much 'motivation'.

Not wishing to undersell myself I thought it best to make him stand to attention again. Stimulating thoughts however are hard to muster at 7am in the morning with your dick and bush covered in pink paint.

Somehow I managed to achieve the required woodiness, but it suddenly became obvious that I would need to include the balls as well to make the image recognisable and not just a smear of pinkness.

This meant that my initial positioning of the paper on my (home) office table was not practical for full length sack to helmet printing. The whole tackle would need to be lain flat against the paper.

The only solution I could think of was to put the paper on the floor and lie over it, hoping that I landed in the right place and didn't make a cock print on the carpet. I also had to support myself on strategically placed newspaper because earlier manual stimulation had left my hands covered in paint.

On my first attempt I realised that the paint had dried so another application was required.

In retrospect I hadn't really thought it all through, but eventually I made one with which I was pleased.

Before I finally acheived this perfect print I had made several OK attempts which I hilariously sold on eBay as "art".

And before anyone says anything, yes my Mum was delighted with her card.

Length? I used a whole tube of acrylic.
(kingnutter, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:23, 6 replies)

I might regret this.
In the bath once, as a youngster, I found myself struck by the sudden urge to piss. So sudden, in fact, that a little bit started coming out.

In panic I pinched my foreskin tightly and held the rest in, but that little bit of wazz demonstrated a previously alien phenomena to me. My foreskin had swollen slightly from the urine contained within.

Fuck it, I thought. Let's go down the rabbit hole.

Still pinching tightly, I started very gently letting a stream of wee into my sealed cock chamber, and fuck me sideways the bugger wouldn't stop swelling. I kept going, watching the skin stretch out and expand til my cock looked like a fleshy toffee apple.

Unable to contain myself, I shouted for brother to come witness the miracle, but hurry, you must hurry, cos I can't hold it much longer!

He pounded up the stairs, burst into the bathroom, and was greeted with the sight of me in the bath pinching my ridiculously top-heavy child nob and giggling hysterically. He pointed, let out an almighty guffaw, then FLICKED my bell-end with all his might, sending a good egg-cup's worth of piss all over my chest and face and making me cry like the child I was in the process.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:22, 4 replies)

I...
...vigourously porked an attractive young lady with mine before whipping it out and adorning her face, hair and breasts with generous dollops of my mans mayonnaise. Made all the better for the fact that she was a Gooner.

Wait a second, it's MOST ashamed... DOH!

(actually I know you're all secretly thrilled, utter and almost immediate filth you didn't need to read through ten minutes worth of rubbish build up to get to. Which ironically is in many ways similar to the experience I gave to the aforementioned Arsenal supporter, though you lot can be thankful your faces are less sticky than hers, unless you have got all worked up by the rest of these stories)
(rampants, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:13, Reply)

Take a powerful hi-fi system.
Connect one end to your arse, and one end to your cock.

Plug a PC in, and run a tone generator program.

See what combination of frequency, waveform and volume it takes to make you spurt your manbatter.

Ashamed? Definitely not. Several partners have also done this to me.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 17:04, 8 replies)

Honest guv,
I know no one will believe me but this really did happen to my mate Steve and not to me.

Steve and his lovely lady wife had been trying for a baby for some months, and had got nowhere. As some may know, this can introduce a certain amount of stress.

Sadly for Steve he chose to relieve this stress by parading naked in front of his bedroom window, stroking his erect penis. This might not be so bad except that the curtains were open and his house was next to an office with many female staff, who happened to be looking out of the window at the time.

Poor old Steve got a suspended sentence and a severe telling off. I don't think that helped with his stress at all.

Sad ending: he and his lovely lady wife never managed to conceive.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:59, Reply)

Gulty.
I left mine in the mouth of a lovely young lady after promising to pull it out before it spurted man-gravy.

M'lud - I would like another 30 incidents to be taken into consideration and promise it will never happen again.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:54, Reply)

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( __, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:53, 3 replies)

So wrong I wish it was a lie
I'm the proud father of a little tubby 18month old boy. He's a funny little fella.

Being the happy little daddy that I am we spend hours running around the house, hiding from each other......all the fun things that a father and son should do.

Occasionly, and because he's my boy it's not wrong or peadophilic in the slighest, we have a bath together. It's great fun. I'll blow raspberrys in his little tubby tummy and chuckle as he squeals and splashes about. Sometimes I blow them on his botty and joke that he's farted. He squeals and splashes like a demented seal.

A couple of weeks ago we were going through this routine. I'd added diprovan to the bath as this is good for his eczema and my psoriasis. It also makes the bath a bit slippy so when I reached forward and blew a raspberry on his belly he slipped forward. I gave him a little kiss on his curl-covered head and sat him back up. Due to the afore mentioned diprovan he was quite a slippy little monkey and fell forwards again.......and kissed me on my willy.

I got out the bath pretty damn quick and felt very, very wrong.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:53, 10 replies)

Rather the thing I've been most ashamed of not doing with a penis..
The penis being my own, the not doing was sex with my girlfriend.

For three months that fella downstairs staged a flop in protest, at the start of the relationship no less. He got me so paranoid I was changing at the end of the bed, hiding my pitiful mard on.

Three months, three long months. on more than one occasion her iTunes would decide to play 'forgot to be your lover' by Bill Withers as we tried - with nothing but failure - to do the dirty dirt.

Finally, when the splash down occurred I jumped out of bed to my bag to use my specially packed party popper, just to commemorate the moment.

It had been packed in my bag for six weeks.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:48, 2 replies)

ladies
If your feeeling left out, the tell us "what's the thing youre most ashamed of doing with your mimsy?"
(kitescreech still here, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:44, 6 replies)