Broke the Banjo
string with the same woman twice, she has a face to die for and an ass to hide from.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 20:37, 1 reply)

I haven't had many answers for the recent questions
and this week is no different really.

I'm sure I must have some embarrassing penis stories somewhere, I'll have to have a think.

For now, though, I should point out that though I am an innoccuous little fellow, you really shouldn't ever leave me alone in a hotel room alone with a pair of your sisters knickers.

Especially not if you happen to be married to me. There's really no telling what I might get up to.

*whistles*
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 20:33, Reply)

Absinthe
I'm not ashamed of this but worth telling anyway.

Picture the house, high end audio/visual gadgets all over, top of the range everything, midget butlers, porn on projectors, reclining chairs, space cake, pills etc...

Yep it was a mega house party I attended back in 2002.

Anyway, back to the topic in hand. A female stripper for the lads, a male one in a different room for the lasses.

The male stripper was a stripping virgin. Told everyone it was his first gig & IT SHOWED! He did the usual whipped cream/torso rubbing stuff.. did a little jig while getting nekkid... SO BORING. So he asked if we had any suggestions. Me being me decided to be bold & asked him if I could pour some spirits over his body & lick it off *worra feckin' slagbag eh*

So... the usual, martini, wine, vodka etc was liberally poured over him & we all had a taste.

I then suggested absinthe. Oops.

It was ok on his body.. until I suggested he put some on his tinkle. He did & said it felt kinda warming... THEN suggested I put some on my foo foo... so I tried it.. a damn good handful I will add. Hmm, felt kinda warm just like he'd said.

Fast forward 2 minutes & we hears 'ICE! ICE! GET ME SOME FECKIN' ICE! Oh Lord.. his tinkle had began to burn. My lady garden felt a bit like a prawn vindaloo too. Anyway, he got his ice, relieved his burning, gave me a kiss & said 'If only all girls were as mad as you' *not sure if that was meant as a compliment or not* but anyway, his gig was over & he left.

Next morning I awoke to a very hot itchy foo foo, couldn't remember any random nocturnal activity so didn't think much of it but 3 days later had to go to the doc with my hot problem & he diagnosed second degree burns to my foo foo & prescribed cream.

It all turns out the stripper had exactly the same problem too. His cock was burnt.

Oops. I burned someones cock. Ha!

So yeah, not majorly shame worthy or anything but quite funny. Poor lad, wonder if he did anymore stripping after that?
(sneezymonkey, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 20:14, Reply)

I once used Tea Tree shampoo as a lube for a wank
Gives a similar burning effect to Durex Tingle lube... just in case any students out there are after a cheap cock-buzz.

It does however burn a hell of a lot more once a bit of it creeps down your japseye. Which it did.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 20:14, 2 replies)

2fer.
Having a hand-shandy in the middle of an oval (a big sports-field to those un-Aussiefied) whilst staggering home pissed in the wee hours of the morn.
Oh and watching my mate drunkenly piss on his shoes as we staggered home from a drunken,drug filled teenage party - 'cause he couldn't be bothered stopping to have a slash.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 13 Mar 2009, 19:48, Reply)

COCK Bit by a DOG YES A DOG
Cue me an 8 year old boy playing with my nan's dog on Easter day. then the dog the little cunt decides that to get his toy he should go straight for my special area 51. I scream my dad comes and looks at my cock and i have to go to the hospital. A doctor fiddles with everything and I'm okay I just have to stay in bed for the rest of the holiday. Good thing about this is I fell in love with boxers because of the airflow :P

Fast forward 7 years and I'm having a medical to certify that I am Fit to Box. I have to strip down to my boxers in front of about 8 others from the boxing club including the 80 year old manager. Then another 80 year old, the Doctor, proceeds to poke me everywhere and then it happened, I had to drop my pants as he checked below my belt. His beard tickled. OO GOD this is so embarrassing. There we go touched my two doctors before I had even fucked a women :(

Sorry about the length I swear its natural
(MAN PIE, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 19:21, Reply)

SIX MILLION
WOOOOOOOOO.

I claim this sector of b3ta in the name of /talk.

FLAGS A PLENTY.
( __, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 18:47, Reply)

Once
On the morning of June 24th, 1993 I found a penis lying in a field in Manassas Virginia. I picked it up and chased a classmate of mine around the bus stop with it, we were in summer school at the time. I then threw it back into the field. I didn't know it was going to be a very famous penis that day or I would have kept it. I'm ashamed I didn't get to keep it.
( Qwolf What can you do with out a dolly? ©, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 18:09, 1 reply)

A reminder
For those looking for a new masturbation euphemism, my handy masturbation metaphor generator is still online www.b3ta.com/links/205316
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 18:08, 2 replies)

I once put mine in my cousin.
He was fucking livid.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken a run-up.
(Guizmeaux, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 17:24, Reply)

bindun? Almost certainly
Puked.

No drunkenness.
Just a small mouth and overactive gag reflex.

The most shameful part of the story? it can only have been about 4"... poor lad!


Length? Well, the sweetcorny bits were about half an inch I'd say.
(jothemofo, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 17:17, Reply)

Peppa Pig - Pig or Cockmeat?
My 4 year old Neice was drawing Peppa Pig last week, and I somehow ended up teaching her to draw cocks

hey calm down I'm not the monster here
Peppa Pig really is a cock and balls, last week daddy pig (who has a hairy ballbag for a face) had a cold, he was wandering about sneezing and that was too much for me.

So she is caught drawing a 3 foot high cock on the living room wall at her house (yes with three drips) and then explains that its Peppa Pig, her mum explains that the picture is rude, and then the cherry on the cake. . . She explains to the entire family at sunday lunch watching her that uncle Graham says Peppa Pig is a Cock and Daddy Pig has Pubes on his face.

I probably don't need to describe the nature of the following phone call I recieved,
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:54, 4 replies)

Mars Bar Party
I once had a girlfriend that was extremely adventurous. She used to suggest all sorts of nifty things for us to try. One such time, she had the urge to ‘try’ a Mars bar. So I made the necessary preparations, went over to the local shop and bought a few king size mars bars (before they started doing the rubbish duo ones), organised some towels for the bed, and got some wet wipes handy.

So she got herself into position on the bed, and I did my best to satisfy her cocoa based urges. For some reason this got her very hot indeed, both literally and er, literally. We ended up humping like jousting tractors and there was a terrible mess but I had had the foresight to put the towels down so I thought ah fuck it, and we both collapsed and fell asleep.

I started having a really goddamn sexy dream where my lovely girlfriend was sucking me off to within an inch of my purple life, and eventually drifted into consciousness to find out she was sucking and licking me in for real in the darkness.

“Oooh darling” I moaned as she went to town on me. I thought that she might be the one, that I had never found such a girl that was so dirty, so sexy, and so willing to go down so that I could get up.

“Oooh how can you be so thorough, you aren’t missing a single square millimetre?”

“Eh?” she said from where she was next to me.

Chills tingled down my spine.

I turned up the light a notch on the touch dimmer light thing.

Billy my springer spaniel was slurping the chocolate from my wang with his rough tongue.

It still felt so good.

My girlfriend looked down at what Billy was doing and gently started to finger herself, and we both watched, mesmerised, while Billy brought me the brink and beyond.

He ate that, too.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:46, 6 replies)

Asparagus Piss
An old mate of mine who I mentioned about Berocca Shock earlier came over for a BBQ in summer 2006.

He ate plenty, drank plenty and was happy, as were we all. The evening came and we warmed up the bbq to reheat food and dug some fresh veg out of the fridge including a load of Asparagus

He hadn't tried Asparagus before but seemed to like it, he ate loads of the stuff, then later he used the bog and went home.

3am I get this phone call, from him, from Hospital, sounding urgent, so I headed in there to meet him. Turns out he turned up at A&E after going for a piss and it stank of burning plastic, so shitting himself he legged it to Hospital

Then the nurse came out laughing and mentioned loudly in front of 40 strangers that he had forgotten he had Asparagus and it makes piss smell funny

everyone laughed, apart from him, he hid
(Sorry for the length, but girls you should check the width)
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:43, Reply)

Wonky Cock Argument
I was coming to the end of a pretty decent relationship with my then girlfriend Emma, the beautiful but mental scouser. We'd just grown apart.

We'd had a few barnstorming rows in our time. Once she smashed a plate over my head and I now have a rather fetching scar over my eyebrow. Blood? Fuck me. It was like Saw I through to V.

So, we're limping along in this fucked up relationship, annoying the hell out of each other.

We're in the supermarket and it starts kicking off. She wanted All Bran, I wanted Sugar Puffs (the finest foodstuff known to man), it really was that bad between us.

We started with some quiet exchanges. But Emma had a shril voice that could shatter glass, and when she got started although she was a size 8 she'd take on the stature of Pavarotti, and the voice to match.

We're walking round the supermarket, bitching and moaning. I say something quite innocent:

"Well, it's not my fault you don't want to have sex anymore. I should leave you in the freezer department where you belong, with the fridges."

And Emma screams, I mean SCREAMS:

"WELL, AT LEAST I HAVEN'T GOT A BENT PENIS!!!"

I really could've curled up and died. I went bright red and kept my head down as we coasted past a couple of sniggering grannies, a gang of teenage boys, and a fucking nun. I kid you not, a fucking nun.



Oh, and it does veer to the right a bit - well, a fair bit - when standing to attention. Just a bit. What I really need is to find a woman with a wonky vagina and I'll be sorted.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:40, 8 replies)

I had a wank once
At a fertility clinic. As much as I enjoy a good tug at any opportunity, the environment really puts a dampener upon your special moment.

Firstly; you're made to do it in a pokey room in the middle of a long corridor with an amazing amount of traffic and because the door is shut everyone knows what you're doing.

Secondly; whilst trying to maintain sexy thoughts in a 60s themed cupboard you've got to try and get your baby gravy into a tiny pot and not over your hands. Made all the more difficult by having your trousers around your ankles.

Finally, once you've suffered that indignity and made yourself presentable you have to cross the corridor with your prize in your hands. Remember the traffic? Nod politely and shrug casually and hand your cooling sample over to a waiting nurse. Who's been waiting for you to finish!

And worse than all this, when my GP gave me a tiny test-tube for my first test I listened to my wife when she suggested wanking into a measuring jug and pouring it in. Man batter doesn't decant.
( Weejock, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:40, 4 replies)

Berocca Piss?
I suggested my mate tried Berocca, gave him a tube and told him to enjoy

He had a couple of glasses of the stuff and then wasn't in the next day, he started the day by having a massive green neon piss and then made an appointment with his Doctor for 9am to check that his lad wasn't infected

The doctor found it was all ok but due to the panic suggested he went to the local clinic for a SDI test

I told him Berocca does that after he told me about a bloke there scraping the inside of his cock with a small metal cocktail umbrella

Oh how we laughed, well he didn't laugh too much to be honest, you would have thought he'd learn from the Asparagus incident but that I will post later
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:36, 2 replies)

Drunken Wierdness
Recently I've started doing strange things after getting drunk and falling asleep for a bit.

I snapped out of it one night to hear my girlfriend saying, "RALPH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
When things came into focus I realised I was stood with my cock in my hand pissing into her laundry basket, so responded with the obligatory "Umm... nothing"
"Are you pissing in my laundry basket?"
"ummmm, no"
I had to put a kink in my hose so I could waddle to the toilet without leaving a snail trail.

A couple of months back I woke up with a steaming hangover and had this conversation with the missus:
"Ralph, do you remember what you did earlier thismorning?"
"I did things?"
"Yeah, I woke up to see you walking out of the bedroom naked, then heard the front door go and saw you wondering around in the car park a moment later, with no clothes on. When you came back in I asked you what you'd been doing and you said 'nothing'. I told you what you'd been doing you said 'yeah well the neighbours love me' got into bed and went back to sleep."

I have absolutely no recollection of any of it.
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:35, 2 replies)

Okay
This is truly, truly, a terrible QOTW. I'm sorry to say that maybe we've exhausted ALL possible topics that it could be on, and maybe a new feature needs to be devised more urgently than a new QOTW every week.
Viva la Revolucíon?
(Affero-Dolor made noodles using a cuppa soup on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:07, Reply)

wanking
in the toilets of a hospital
( valoukh newsgash.wordpress.com, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 15:48, 1 reply)

My mate dave
works in a large supermarket chain, might as well say it, it was tescos. Anyway he works in the deli counter and one boring afternoon the boss caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer.

Needles to say he was fired on the spot,


she got away with a verbal warning though


ey ? ey ?
(The Cats Twat, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 15:45, 2 replies)

Putting it in a man.
Which would be fine and all, but I don't consider myself gay.

In that, I don't fancy men.

At all.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 15:40, 6 replies)

Not me but....
there's this chap that I work with; if I'm stuck for a way into work, he'll drop by and pick me up, and if his computer is playing up, I'll drop by and fix it etc...

He's developed some strange skin disease (yes, THERE!) that affects about 8 people a year in the UK, and had to have an operation recently, which resulted in him having about 2 weeks off work.

I sent him a text asking if he was ok, and the reply was:

"Yeah, my balls have gone bright mauve and my cock has swollen to the size of a cocktail sausage, but other than that, life is good"

It made me giggle anyway.
(dchurch bah, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 15:26, 5 replies)

The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a pen is...
sticking it where the sun don't shine after being really horney/bored/stoned/drunk/curious



Glad I only find the female form attractive.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 15:12, 1 reply)

THE GREAT PISS QUESTION
Being absolutely desperate for a piss. I mean needing one so much you can almost feel your insides about to explode.

Getting into the toilets in a pub, club, place of work.

Standing infront of the urinals, unzipping the love of your life, and then -

- nothing -

And why?

Because for some unknown reason you're suddenly painfully aware that there's another man or men in the toilets at the same time. Its almost as if your cock has eyes or a built in man radar.

But the worst thing, the very worst thing is when after standing there dry as the fucking Sahara for a good minute or so, you shake the little chap as if he's delivered the golden stream of relief, and put him away. This is ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS accompanied with a little sigh as if to say: Jesus that was a nice piss.

And then you fuck off with your bladder still about to explode.

Please.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this...

EDIT: It would appear, according to this incredibly scientific B3ta pol, that every public toilet everywhere is full of blokes pretending to piss, whilst terrified that everyone else has noticed their lack of wee wee action... and apparently the ladies go into the cubicles holding fucking hands, happily pissing away infront of each other whilst chatting about the price of fish...

CONCULSION: Women are far superior to men when it comes to pissing in public places.

I'll forward these findings to the National Statistics Office immediately.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 15:01, 24 replies)

Penis mightier than the sword.
I wrote this handy guide for a man who is rather enamoured with both swords and his willy.
Thanks to Viz for inspiration.


Everyone knows someone who owns a penis, and many of us also know someone who owns a sword - but which is better? Edward Bulwer-Lytton once said that the penis mightier than the sword, but is it really? We graded both sword and penis in a number of categories - read on to see the startling conclusion.

Harming other people

Penis - can carry STDs, which may cause long term harm. Also, seeing a gentleman of the road fondling his scabby member outside Camden Road tube station left the author with long term psychological damage. 6/10

Sword - excellent at causing harm, especially when applied vigorously to opponents body. Can even in some extreme cases cause death. Not so effective if opponent is armoured, however, on balance, the sword wins this round - 10/10.


Carving

Penis - not great at carving, unless the material to be carved is exceptionally soft and the owner of the penis is excited and impervious to pain. May be used for carving soft butter or custard. Penis doesn't do so well here - 2/10.

Sword - excellent at carving with its pointy tip and sharp sharp metal. Not very easily controllable however, as tend to be quite long, so person weilding sword for carving needs good hand eye coordination. 8/10.

Writing

Penis - great in a snowy area, as the penis can eject a stream of yellow 'ink' enabling the owner to write their name at least once before they notice how cold it is outside. 6/10.

Sword - see carving - a bit too long for easy writing, although can be used to mark a variety of materials. 6/10.

Reproduction

Penis - used to be an essential tool in human (and all mammalian) reproduction - when excited, known to spit up wriggly milk, a key element in the making of babies. Mad scientists have somewhat reduced the role of the penis in reproduction today, with crazed notions of cloning and basting tubes. Still, in the majority of cases, a penis is used to make baby, a fact the author observed about 11 weeks ago. 9/10.

Sword - not great at reproduction, unless you wish to reproduce smaller versions of the original by chopping the original in two. Actually, could work for earthworms. 3/10

Excretion of waste fluids from the body.

Penis - this is where the penis comes into its own (oo-er). Exceptionally good at removal of piss. 10/10

Sword - the sword is let down in this category by the fact that although it is also good at the removal of fluids from a body, it also has a tendency to kill owner of said body. 2/10

Entertaining of owner.

Penis - have you ever met a penis owner who does not enjoy some down time with madame palm and her 5 lovely daughters wrapped around his pink oboe? The penis clearly wins this round. 10/10.

Sword - Zorro was kept entertained by his sword, but unless you are caped crusader of some description, a sword can only keep you entertained for so long - not a life time. 8/10.


So, what are the final scores?

Penis - 43
Sword - 37

We have conclusively shown that the penis is indeed mightier than the sword. However, in a fight between the two, my money would be on the sword.

(Oh, and the shame element of this answer? that I spent time writing the bloody thing when I could have been doing something worthwhile)
( ascorbate, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 14:57, 4 replies)

baileys + blow job
= mood killer and painful japs eye.

sort of like someone is threading needles into your bellend.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 14:53, 4 replies)