Gifts of Fail
Just got off the phone from the Mrs. Told her I’ve sorted a night out over Christmas for the both of us down on the Southbank. Got the impression she’s expecting dinner, candles, champagne… What she’s actually getting is the opportunity to watch Avatar at the Imax. Don’t think she’ll find aliens and big fuck off guns particularly romantic (even though they are in 3D on the biggest cinema screen in Britain). Might have to sort out a meal pretty sharpish or risk losing my sex privileges.

It’s that time of year again. Ever got a tubby girlfriend an exercise dvd, accidentally mixed up the boxes and given your mum a dildo? Ever been given a big box of gay porn by your best mate that you’ve stupidly opened round Christmas lunch in front of your extended family? Tell us about your dodgy Xmas gifts of fail.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 16:48, Reply)

Obsession
Is there something about which you obsess, can you find time to obsess over your obsession, is it becoming too obsessive? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder come into play at all? Wish you didn't obsess about what you don't want to and more time to focus on that thing which you'd ideally like to obsess over?
( Christian's Bolt and Ski, Sun 8 Nov 2009, 2:31, Reply)

Hedonistic debauchery
Life can be pretty dull. But today I spiced things up by purchasing two - count them - TWO, Cadburys Cream Eggs. Might keep one and feed it to the sex gimp I've got living in my attic in exchange for a spot Friday night skat action later...

Put down the wine, the teenage prostitutes, the goat dressed up like Lucy Lawless out of Xena Warrior Princess and tell us about your flagrant acts of wanton hedonistic debauchery.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 13:03, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Learning to Fry
I'd like to think I can cook quite well these days, but it was a different story when I first left home and moved away to uni, and much of my cooking 'technique' was based on daft ideas which seemed logical at the time. I've not been allowed to forget the time I tried to make a cheese sauce to go with some pasta and got it horribly, horribly wrong - it turned out as a sort of broth, which could only be described as "yellow, with lumps."

It wouldn't have been so bad if it had only been me eating the damn thing.

So, in the hope that this will generate some hilarious and disgusting stories, rather than boring foody threads: how many of your culinary experiments have gone completely tits up, to great embarrassment (or greater indigestion)? Alternatively, how many times have you been forced to alter or experiment with recipes ("Onions? I'm out of onions! I'll have to use...jam!") and invented something which was actually really nice?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 10:29, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Fluff v Anti-fluff
I've seen kittens being born and been attacked by a nest of wasps; there are plenty of stories of fluff/anti-fluff out there, but which one rules?
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Parenting Tips
What have you learnt as a child that's held you in good stead in your life? What have you as a parent taught your child?

I fucking SICK of bad parenting!
(PassTheKhat, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 3:06, Reply)

family feuds
My bro in law still insists that he was sent to the shops to buy an onion and his family went away on a daytrip while he was gone. My brothers once argued about the chord on a doors song. What other 'discussions' have people had and what were the consequences?
(pooster found out how long a piece of string was on, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 23:04, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Cock Ups
I once failed to meet some people I was going on holiday with for the flight. Because I'd accidentally gone to the wrong airport.

What have you cocked up quite monumentally?
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Paranormal?
I see dead people.... Does anyone else?
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 15:05, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hidden talents
What's your hidden talent? Do you use it for good or for evil?

Amaze us.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 11:32, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What the hell have I done?
Have you ever looked at yourself/your actions and thought, even fleetingly, what the hell have I just done? I have to confess that this was my first thought when my son was plonked on my chest, purple, slimy, and screaming, immediately after he'd been born. And I still sometimes think it when he vomits down my top after a feed.
( ascorbate, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 11:30, Reply)

Most inappropriate time you have ever answered your cellphone
Mid-birth, mid-interview, mid-funeral, mid shag - there must be plenty of occasions where you shouldn't have taken that call, but you did.....
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Wed 4 Nov 2009, 10:06, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

How technology is giving us all aspergers/ destroying human interaction
I had a IM conversation with the g/f the other day when our computers are 2 feet apart.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 3 Nov 2009, 20:23, Reply)

School Nostalgia
Remember that teacher who used to rest his balls on the corner of the desk? Or the one who wore the supenders and no knickers?... What about the fight where your best friend flipped and slammed the class bullys head in between the window and the frame? Good times...
(chtterB, Tue 3 Nov 2009, 17:14, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

(anti) Heroism
The other night my girlfriend and I returned from a night out to find the communal front door to our flats swinging open. “You go first,” I said. “WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I GO FIRST?” she countered. Apparently my reasoning that: “Well, if someone’s trying to break in I can hit them over the head while they’re trying to rape you,” means I’m a yellow bellied, lilly livered coward of the first order.

Tell us about your acts of anti-heroism and dastardly deeds in the realm of cowardice.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 3 Nov 2009, 14:10, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

My Best Minicab Journey...
That is all.
( b3tz, Tue 3 Nov 2009, 2:24, Reply)

I Was Just Checking Myself.
A friend of a friend of a friend Nick (i.e. the blokes a cunt but the stories good) was once caught by his Dad whilst furiously unsheathing his pork sword.

Nick's Dad entered his son's room to be met with the sight of his 14 year old son giving it vinegar strokes to midget porn.

When have you been caught polishing the love trophy? What was you're pathetic excuse or even better did your mum see you coming?!?
(McJuurgensHaircut is authorised and regulated by your mum., Mon 2 Nov 2009, 16:13, Reply)

Cuntspeak (Terms and phrases that piss you off and are generally used by cunts)
'Nuff said.

There you go, there's your first one.
(Rsoles, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 13:36, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Holidays Gone Wrong
It happened to Withnail and I and it could happen to you. One fateful New Year me and five of my mates got robbed while on holiday in Amsterdam. On New Year's Eve 2001 when they had switched all the cash and card machines off to swap to the Euro.

Pawning our passports to fund our night led to fireworks being chucked at us, getting slapped about, threatened with broken bottles, chased through the streets and eventually lost. Have you ever gone on holiday by mistake?
( bland is bland, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 11:26, Reply)

How did I end up here?
Question: how did years of spliffing, boozing and general malarkey end up providing me with a stupendously well paid job?

Or, how did years of hard work, exercise and morally upstanding behaviour make me stuck in this shithole of a 'career'?

Just how DID you get to where you are employment-wise?
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Mon 2 Nov 2009, 0:49, Reply)

Unwarranted Self-Importance
Following on from this response to the great List Of QOW Failure, what's the best example of people taking themselves waay too seriously?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 13:01, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Awkward silences
I went to get my first massage the other day, and my girlfriend and I had been joking about getting a happy ending like Larry David.

So it's a very nice girl and we're chatting away for the first ten minutes of a half hour session, and then, struggling for chat, I ask "Do your fingers not get sore massaging?"

What I actually came out with was "Do your fingers not get sore masturbating? Er I mean masturbating. I mean MASSAGING!"

Awkward silence from her, for the next... twenty... minutes...

¬_¬
(Lannes, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 7:10, Reply)

That's not in the rulebook
When have competetive or sporting activites gone hopelessly wrong, and what were the consequences?

Examples would be me coming within 20ft of almost certain death in the Scottish mountains, two short years after nearly breaking my back in a convoluted sequence of events involving a bike, a power kite, a former saxon hillfort and a herd of bullocks.
( MatJ LOOK, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 1:56, Reply)

Costumes
In the spirit of the halloween season over here in North America...Anyway, I went trick or treating today with my little niece and nephew. I'm way too old, but I still wanted the candy, so I put my head through a hole in my bedsheet and put the pillowcase on my head. I was my bed. Or a floral ghost. My 4 year old niece noted to a neighbour "This is Amanda. She was going to wear a good costume, but she changed her mind."
Any stories of costumes or costume parties?
(mariam67, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 0:25, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Pivotal Moments
Those moments in life where a choice or an event caused your life to take a significant change in direction, when your life was transformed completely.

Perhaps you realised at the time, perhaps you intended to change things. Or perhaps it's only when you look back now that you realise that was exactly when everything changed.
(Stop Bloody Antivirus Pro 2009, Sat 31 Oct 2009, 21:04, Reply)

Things that just are that we don't seem to question
My belly button fluff is always blue. Always. I worked for a restaurant chain exclusively wearing the colour red for months on end yet, still, fluff of the blue persuasion, discuss..
(rhyddman, Sat 31 Oct 2009, 20:07, Reply)

Internet obsessions and online romance--tell us about how an online connection and how it went right or wrong
This is so common and all too often the romance is really a fantasy...
(gypsygal, Sat 31 Oct 2009, 4:04, Reply)