The Tale of Jonno
Nutters can be funny, but sometimes it can be all to easy to forget the all-too-real human tragedy behind their stories.

Enter Jonno. A pretty common story. Fight with the girlfriend; she does a runner, stiffing him on the rent. Argument with the landlord about it; he gets evicted. Jonno was always a bit odd, honestly. Far too open and trusting, he'd been knocked down one too many times, and had a slightly loopy vision of the world. But this sent him right over the edge and into a tent out in the woods, or wandering around town in a greatcoat he'd fashioned out of heavy duty binbags and gaffer tape. You could strike up a perfectly normal conversation with him, but then he'd suddenly bust out grinning and wander off singing Elton John songs.

Life really hit rock bottom for him when he got chased by some local violent twats and ended up tumbling down a railway siding. Out in the tent, in that freezing winter, his broken leg never really set properly, leaving him with a limp and an even more twisted mind. But things did get better after a while; he got himself a bit of cash, which he used to buy a caravan, and started doing odd jobs around my local. A very friendly guy, if a little difficult to talk to.

And then one night it all went wrong. We were having our ever-popular curry & quiz night at my local and Jonno was helping collect up glasses and such. He was having a good night, singing loudly in between questions. One of the patrons, Trevor, was getting increasingly riled at this. To be honest, he was a few scotch eggs short of a picnic himself. After a particularly rousing chorus of Rocket Man, Trevor exploded, unloading right in Jonno's face. Jonno fled, tears in his eyes.

Two helpings, and god knows how many pints later, I stumbled home. I found Jonno on the village green, face down. My stomach sank. Next to him, an empty bottle of methylated spirits. Oh god. I called an ambulance and tried to revive him.

"Oh god, come on Jonno mate, wake up. Oh jesus, come on mate," I mumbled, leaning over him. Jonno moaned.

"Yeah mate that's it, please, wake up mate, it'll be HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH JIMMY JESUS HELP ME," I screeched as I violently fouled myself, filling my trousers with a monster blast of badly altered jalfrezi. I guess that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was actually a warning alarm for my impending digestive distruction. Jonno, who had been putting it all on for the attention, took this as his cue to leg it, the bastard, as I collapsed onto the green, moaning and tooting. And that's how an ambulance crew mistook me for a shit-soaked nutter and hauled me off for a night in A&E.

Later on, I saw Trevor bumming a badger.
(Frank Snow, Wed 3 Oct 2012, 19:34, 2 replies)

"badly alterered jalfrezi" :D

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 3 Oct 2012, 20:11, closed)

Well played, sir.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 3 Oct 2012, 20:28, closed)