I am definately going to hell for ...
scunnering the school nativity play.

In my defense yurunnah I was 8 and put a smaller kid up to it rather than dirty my own lily white paws.

One of the younger lads at school, a friend of the family and budding thespian, was dead keen on winning the part of Joseph in the nativity play. And sorely wrathful was he when the part went to the snot-nosed, myopic, mumbling spawn of the Art teacher.

I was outraged at this blatant nepotism and my own paltry part as a bunny. So being the budding Machiavellian I was, I set about to wreck the nativity play, seizing upon my younger playmate's crushed ego to accomplish the task.

The night of the play arrived. All the bored looking mums and dads were duly seated. The Art teacher was fussing over the ludicrous headpiece she had made for her numpty part-stealing son.

My pawn had been given the part of the Innkeeper.

I looked on, from under my ridiculous bunny headdress recycled from last Easter's bonnet parade.

Numpty Art teacher spawn and wee lassie with a mighty cushion shoved up her dress enter stage left.

They approach the Innkeeper.

"Mumble mumble cough splutter ... come all the way from Bethelehem for the census ... mumble, cough, wheeze ... missus great with child ... cough, splutter ... got any rooms for the night?"

"Bags of room. Come on in."

Result.
(Que?, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 4:06, Reply)

Abstinence is clearly something that happens to other people
When I was in highschool I was in one of those extension classes that has all the bright sparks in it. We were all the kids who'd spent primary school bored out of our minds and getting into varying degrees of trouble because of it. We therefore had an oversupply of highly intelligent class clowns who were terribly competitive about it. Rarely a day went by without a decent one-liner. I, however, was never destined to be a comedian. I'm not funny and I know that, so I rarely tried. Which brings me to the actual story:

In about year 9 we're in science class apparently learning about reproduction and the teacher is using it as an excuse to tell us about prevention of pregnancy. She's telling us about the different options available and how they work and then adds the usual "But of course, the best and most effective technique is simply abstinence." I put my hand up and asked the question I felt was needed at the time "What does that mean?" and the entire class fell about laughing hysterically.
Finally! I had made a good call! I can be funny!

...sort of. The thing is, I was actually serious. I'd never heard the word before and truly wanted to know what it meant. Luckily I was smart enough to pretend I'd meant it as the joke everyone took it as.

But now I must live with the shame of knowing that the funniest thing I ever said at school was an accident.

And if anyone I went to school with reads b3ta they now know my secret shame. *hangs head*
(xanthine, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 4:03, 1 reply)

Happy Days
Back in the 70's, and it may have well been the 1870's for how old fashioned it all was there were lots of single sex schools so flirting with gurls wasn't going to happen so there was just bollocking about.

Eventually we built a full set of bollocking about acts, which managed to entertain us through what otherwise would have been a dull day learning things.

One of my faves was chair dominoes, back when every pupil had an individual desk with a wooden lid and a chair, at the end of the day chairs were put on top of the desks to make life easier for the cleaners. The idea was to get in early and set every chair right on the edge of a desk, just millimetres from falling into the next, and arrange them so they'd fall like dominoes. Tip toeing out you closed the door with a broom behind it, to set the first one off. Then you just hung around waiting for the teacher, or an unpopular pupil to turn up.

Worked well especially if you combined it with a mass desk move, because everyone had their desk with their books in it. This would mean the entire class would be late registering, late for assembly, and classes in your year would start late. Hurrah!

Teachers cars were a good target too, so strings of coke cans tied to the back and hidden underneath, gravel in the hubcaps, shaved cork and magnesium down the exhaust tube which would smoke like mad.

We had one teacher who had a moped, so we'd just carry it off and hide it somewhere in the school, in the toilets, in a cupboard, two floors up in a chem lab, all the places mopeds aren't expected to be. He got smart to our game so started to chain it to a drainpipe, so we scrounged up lengths of chain and padlocks and made it extra secure for him.

Of course standards are slipping, it's all stabbings now, what's funny about that?
(PhosphorBurnedEyes Swastika Shop opening here soon, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 3:01, 1 reply)

charity doughnuts
every wednesday in year 11 we drove down to the local tescos in a free period before morning break, buy about 150 sweet tasty jam doughnuts, and then sell them for double what we bought them, advertising that all profit would go to charity.
being the filthy gits that we were, it is needless to say that come the end of the year we just pocketed the cash.
pretty terrible, but in hindsight we did a load of charity work as a school and we provided the student body with necessary sustinence in an apetising form.
feel terrible though.
(amauriosis fugax took more than one snow day off, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 2:25, Reply)

Best. Fight. Ever.
It's a tale of two fights really.

First up we had two of the 'bigger boys' punching and pummeling the life out of each other. A real fist swinging nasty school fight. You know the kind, where all the repressed homosexual tension is released as fists. After about a minute, the crowd became noticeably thinner, until eventually the two pugilists were left standing there, bemused at their lack of an audience*. What on this earth could have drawn secondary school kids away from the fight of the century?

I'll tell you what, only the greatest match up in the world! A really weird kid with a glass eye was chasing and beating a really fat girl with a stick. She in turn was attempting to run away whilst every-so-often swinging one of her meaty arms in a cruel looking haymaker.

I don't know why a cyclops would want to beat a big girl, and I don't want to know why. All I do know is that about 200 kids were following them, chanting and giving advice. Like the little guy in Rocky. But more high pitched. And with chanting.

Between y'all and me, if she'd connected, the eye would have popped out, no question in my mind. It would have been the icing on the cake. She had meaty meaty limbs, I tell thee.

*They may, or may not, have then kissed and began bumming. I didn't see, but am willing to assume.
(d2086u, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 1:40, Reply)

Fight fight fight
One of my favourite pranks in school was to get a group of mates of mine all running in one direction shouting the infamous words 'fight, fight, fight'...

Sure enough within minutes I would have a rather strong mob of kids all running around the playing fields looking for the alleged fight and teahcers would come running over ready to split the fight up, but of course there usually was no fight.*

*Except of course for the time it back fired and all the older kids got attacked by the younger kids in some form of school yard war.

Great days.

(oh and the best fight i ever witnessed was the two sixth formers kicking the crap out of each other on the car park. A female teacher was the first on the scene carrying a huge tray of biscuits. Needless to say we devoured most of them whilst she was prising the two lads apart).
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 0:58, Reply)

D of E Bronze Award
I'll keep it quick, but on this particular camping trip me and my D of E cohorts (the guys anyway) discovered the utter hilarity of setting light to our farts and making small mushroom clouds erupt from our heavy duty hiking trousers (probably a good thing as singed pubes don't smell so good!). For some reason I have never felt the need to do it since...
(FeldmanHaimBluesExplosion : You've only to believe if you wish to achieve. T, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 0:43, Reply)

Dropout....
I was never particularly stupid at school, just lazy and anti-authority. Like the time that I slackly photocopied my geography homework and successfully argued the futility of copying out verbatim a text book. Anyway, I digress...

In the six form I was more party and less study and unsuprisingly was nominated "head of the entertainments comittee". One day I was called into the heads office who went on to express concerns about my clear alcohol problem. I mean, why would I be smelling of drink at 10am in the morning at age 16? The computer studies teacher had flagged his concern, bless him.

To cut a long story short, I just nodded and agreed that the best thing would be for me to leave. The truth was that my best friend had a homebrew still in his locker and I was faffing around with it and spilled it everywhere. Anyway, as he was a straight A student and I was a dosser I took the fall.

Now he is a doctor on £150k a year and I am unemployed. What a fucking Cunt.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 23:46, Reply)

Teachers' industrial action.
Mid 1980s as part of industrial action most teachers had stopped doing any non teaching activities. No after school clubs, Saturday sports fixtures etc. It also meant that they would not supervise the lunch break and we had to be off the premises. Fortunately one of my friends lived directly opposite the school and a couple of us would go there to eat our sandwiches and play on his Commodore 64.
One friend had discovered his dad's porn stash and so was dared to bring one.
A few days later he brought an edition of Mayfair for perusal that lunchtime which fortunately coincided with the lady of the house being on shift. However it was also the one day during those lunchtime lock outs that we were joined by a younger female cousin. What she made of each us individually disappearing upstairs and returning about ten minutes later rather flustered I never found out. However I am grateful to the NUT for educating me in female bits even though I was rather shocked when a few years later the first live one I saw was shaved!
(jvz, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 23:21, 1 reply)

Wossis, bananas?
In secondary school, our form teacher's room was one of those "mobile" classroom dealies. A pretty old and decrepit one that was forever being broken into and a heater thingy on the outside encrusted with crumbs and mucus.

Anyway, the break-ins. These would happen a lot, usually graffiti ("Mr Falsename Sucks Cocks!!!" "I chased the dragon" etc) and crap stationary theft but one Monday we all came in and everything seemed shipshape, save for a funny smell. Some air freshener was sprayed around and the matter forgotten.

Wednesday, and the smell had vengefully returned. Seeking to get to the bottom of the matter, Teacher Guy looked around the room, and in the drawers of his desk.

In one drawer was a carrier bag.

"Wossis, bananas?" He muttered, immortally.

Then, "Wurgh!" as he realised and threw the literal sack o' shit on the carpet, where it spilled a little. Man, that's some hatred. And boredom.

Then he followed up his shock with some awesome Shakespearian melodrama. "The bastards! They shit in my mobile!". I like to think he yelled this on his knees with a hand clawing the air, but y'know, it was a good decade ago.
(Lady Shoes I like him just fine. But he's a mouthbreather!, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 23:11, 1 reply)

Piss
In 1992, during a nativity play rehearsal, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the stage. I laughed. I followed the trail of urine with my eyes and soon discovered that it led to my very own leg. I was thrown off the stage and made to wear rubber trousers for the rest of the day.
(sadbearhandbook, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 22:25, Reply)

Sixth Form Geography Field Trip
From Somerset to Grange over Sands with Billy Bragg and Gloria Estefan alternating on the coach tape machine.
1930 First night allowed to visit local pub after lecture on behaviour and how we were ambassadors for the school.
2300 First night banned from pub and lecture on how we had let the school down, the teachers down and worst of all, ourselves down when Deniece lay down in the car park and shouted "Anybody come and fuck me now!" Regrettably I was out of earshot as I would quite happily taken her up on this offer.
The other schools at the field study centre took great delight in going out in the evening while we had to drink cocoa in the common room playing incomplete board games and listen to Billy Bragg and Gloria Estefan alternating.
(jvz, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 22:18, Reply)

Poor Andy.
Andy was (very briefly) my friend in Year 8. He transferred to my school in the middle of the year. He wouldn't say why, but he acted like it was something 'wrong' whenever it was brought up.

After a couple of months he was gone again! Nothing was said officially, but the word went round that he'd been caught having a wank in the school toilets.

Years later I met up with some people who'd gone to other schools and knew Andy - or had heard of his work. Yes, schools plural.

Poor Andy had been caught having a wank in the toilets, in every school in the world.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 22:15, Reply)

Maths...
In my maths group there was a friend of mine who was shite at maths but brilliant at taking the piss out of and subsequently pissing off our teacher, we'll call him B.

Most days he got sent out pretty quickly to "Think about what he'd done." Once he was safely quarrentined outside, our useless bitch of a teacher would have a go at his adoring fans (me especially) for encouraging him. The reason for her yelling at us instead of B was that B would always come back at her with a rofl inducing comeback.

Anyways, one lesson B got sent out and our teacher had an uber bitch (directly at me) about my supposedly "childish" sense of humour at the very end of the lesson. I snapped. In front of the whole class I yelled the infamous words:

"You think I've got a retarded sense of humour?! I bet you watch My Family you up-yourself bitch!"

I stormed out.

Thankfully this was the last week of term before GCSEs and she decided not to pursue a punishment, she didn't even mention it.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 22:06, Reply)

Ahh School...
I shall start by pointing out that I went to a tutti-frutti, super swanky private school. For tossers. It was basically a dumping ground for delinquents whose parents had a bit of cash spare and decided to squander all their savings into a better education for their child. Which they did not receive. With everything that ever went on there it should have been closed down (or burnt down) years ago but parent support and cash donations still keep the hell hole afloat to this day.

In my short time there I saw a teacher punch a child, and the child push him down some stairs and then of course there was the discovery of not one but two dead bodies. One was chopped up in a bin bag and found by some innocent little children orienteering. But I digress.

I shall tell you the tale of a troubled youngster in the year above me. I’m sure he was autistic but anyway he was fucking nuts whatever was wrong with him. There were only 900 people in the school so everyone was friends. And he was the cool kid. The bad one with all the drugs and whatnot. After being in solitary confinement for running across the roof with a knife he took a particular dislike to the Chemistry teacher who caught him.

A few weeks later he was allowed back to lessons and mingle with his fellow students. Now he was very upset about being told off for running around on the roof and wanted some sort of revenge. He was bragging about it in that stupid boy kind of way "Im gonna fuckin’ get him" "I’ll do him in" and all that lark that no-one really paid any attention to because he was a gobby twat. Until one day he secretly brought in a device to help him get his own back.

A homemade bomb.

The chemistry lab (situated under the infant classrooms) must have been unlocked and at break time he snuck in and placed it in that big perspex cupboard where all the chemicals lived, probably for maximum effect. He tried to deploy it (in his own sodding class) but it didn’t work. He was found out and it was decided that moving his to a different class would solve all his problems. With the beautiful Miss Terry.

He tried to set her on fire

Then he was expelled.
(i should have joined myspace, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 20:41, Reply)

Squitty The Abomination to Humanity! Part 1:
Not me, but my best mate from uni.

When he was in secondary school he and many others used to have a fun taking the piss out of a guy called baum (for that was his name). He used to leave the classroom for a bog break and wouldnt return for 30 minutes or so. It was until he found out he had NO COLON!! As a result he was a walking fountain of shit. This fact on its own would of made him some poor bastard who couldnt shit solid ever again. However due to the fact he was a racist, abusive and resentful arshole, he made it worse for himself (i.e. he had cunt tatooed on his forehead). Once when we were in Biology (year 10), he was sitting up the front of the classroom; we were at the back; the class was watching an educational video. Me and my old pal Jack thought it would be fun to use baum as target practice; using a elastic band and scrunshed up paper (using the elastuc band as a catapult). He had him in my sights and let the elastic band loose; resulting in the paper hitting him square on the ear. Baum screamed in pain and turned to make a abusive comment, which he extunguished by catapulting another bit of paper which went squarely into his mouth. At this point everyone (INCLUDING THE TEACHER) laughed, Baum was muttering to hiself which sounded somewhat like NERG!!

The aftermath of this incident was baum sitting red faced in embaressment and anger, after which it was unversally exceptable to abuse and pissoff Baum (even the teachers joined in)

So the Moral of this story is; its ok to bully someone if their a cunt as well...

From Lewis

Note from me: I very nearly ended up going to university with this cunt.
(Howling_Mad Gave God the finger on:, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 20:10, Reply)

Sex education ...
In the last year of primary school - when I was 10 - we had a brief sex education class.

I remember my wonderfully repressed mother's advice: "Don't laugh." That actually was the extent of the sexual guidance I received from my parents.

So, the lesson arrives after much anticipation, and much laughter ...

I don't remember most of the video, but there was a section where they used shadow puppets to show the "act".

I remember seeing the man (puppet) inserting himself into the woman (puppet) unguided and without issue.

For years I thought that the penis must be like a snake, and was able to wriggle and burrow its way inside.

Was fucking terrified of boys for a long time after that.
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 19:41, Reply)

Assembly
Twice a week when I was in secondary school, our headteacher would do his best good shepherd impression and attempt to guide his unruly flock of spotty, lairy teenagers by gathering them all together for an assembly.

I'm sure he was trying to instil some kind of morals in us by droning on in monotonous tones about various aspects of his mundane life.
He quite obviously didn't do a good job though as I can only remember one thing he said during one assembly.

I have no memory of why he was talking about his wedding anniversay. But, I will never forget the look of confusion on his face as the sound of 300 15 year olds sniggering away echoed around the walls after he spoke the immortal line "when I surprised my wife with a pearl necklace..."
( wanderlust, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 19:23, 3 replies)

This is where I used to teach...
Both staff and pupils made my time there... interesting.

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article57299.ece

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article28754.ece

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article110763.ece

The brothel incident was hilarious. We were ordered by the head not to discuss the matter with either pupils or the press. We duly spent most of our lessons teaching the sixth form discussing the story and ringing the press with details.

I am soooooo glad I'm out of that mad house.

hugs to all.
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 18:31, 4 replies)

The Angry Tramp
I think my favourite story from school was the one about the tramp and the girly school from down the road. The girls' school had a basement classroom, with those windows that sit just above the level of the street, if you see what I mean. There was a tramp who lurked around the school, and from time to time, on a hot day when the classroom was full of girls and the windows were open, he would walk up to the window, whip out his scabby cock and spray piss down into the classroom, all over whichever luckless girl sat beneath it. He became something of a cult hero, even though none of us ever actually saw him.
(Captain Bastard, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 18:28, 3 replies)

I dont think anyone has mentioned this....
but calling your teacher mum by accident?? how many of us have done that! I realise this isnt very funny but the feeling you get when you'd realised you'd said it was just horrible.
(fernbrittonsexcessskin will give a shit later, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 18:18, 1 reply)

kevin the psyko
kevin c******n was his name and he was in trouble from the first day at school. Everyone knew him. Somehow he managed to make it through to fifth year in our rather elite school. I could fill a million webpages with his dastardly deeds, but his crowning moment was when one day in business studies he whipped his langer out and proceeded to piss out the window on jim from maintenance who was climbing up a ladder at the time. Needless to say Jim was not impressed, and what we couldn't believe was the bollocks on Kevin, as Jim also happened to take the after school karate and judo classes. He was beetroot red for about three days straight, you could see the vein on his forehead from about 3 miles away he was that angry, until one day he came in looking oddly content, and Kevin showed up later with the juiciest shiner I ever saw in my life. Ho hum the best days of our lives
(bumbandido mildly flaming, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 18:09, Reply)

Year 11 Science
I can't quite remember why, but a friend of mine once called me a hypocrite in year 11 science.

I loudly responded "No! You're a hippo's clit!"

Needless to say, teach wasn't pleased.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 17:50, 1 reply)

When PEL met Prince
1985. I was 14...

PEL was the worst lesson in the world – of that there is no denying. PEL stood for “Preparation for Employment and Leisure” and its intention was to provide careers guidance, interview tips, and also to teach us skills which would be invaluable in adult life. Most of the time we would practice mock interviews and so on, but one week the teacher, Mr Shaw, threw down a challenge to us.

“Some people find certain things offensive, and this includes songs. For next week I’d like you to bring in a tape of a song which some people might find offensive and we’ll play it and see what we all think.”

The next lesson came. Three of us had taken tapes in. I opted to go last.

The first tape went in. “Touch Me” by Samantha Fox. Nobody found this offensive in the slightest, other than due to its poor quality.

The second tape went in. “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye. Nobody found this offensive either.

And then it was my turn. I handed the tape to Mr Shaw.

“And now, Nasalhair has brought in “Darling Nikki” by Prince from the album “Purple Rain”.”

The song started with a sleazy guitar intro. Then, after a few bars, Prince started to half-sing, half-groan the lyrics.

“I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend. I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine…”

All eyes were upon me. Mr Shaw’s face was purple.

“…She said “how’d you like to waste some time?” and I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind.”

Jaws were now on the floor.

“She took me to her castle and I just couldn’t believe my eyes, she had so many devices everything that money could buy. She said “Sign your name on the dotted line”, the lights went out, and Nikki started to grind.”

Mr Shaw was now visibly grinding his teeth.

“The castle started spinning, or maybe it was my brain, I can't tell u what she did 2 me, but my body will never be the same...”

Mr Shaw reached over and pressed the stop button. “I think we’ve got the message about that one.”

I think I won. Hurrah.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 17:08, 7 replies)

I read quite a lot of these posts
I look at the spelling, capitalisation, punctuation and grammar and I have difficulty believing that most of the board went to school at all.

Spellcheckers exist for a reason, though in the case of some people it might be considered a lost cause. Particularly the post five down from this one.
( MatJ LOOK, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 16:59, 8 replies)

middle school...
I told Arif, the schools only muslim, that the turkey twizzler that he was happily munching on was actually made from pork.

Things got slightly out of hand when he started crying saying that he couldn't get into heaven and I had to miss break time for the next two days :(
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Sun 1 Feb 2009, 16:56, Reply)

heard this one when i was at school
one of the girls from the school opposite had apparently done something sexual and a bit naughty with 2 guys, then some rumour started along the lines of "hey did you hear about so-and-so, i heard she had sex with A and B, one in each hole!"

said girl heard about this and apparently her response was "i did not! i just sucked one off while the other guy shagged me!"

yeah ... cuz that's so much better, love.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 16:42, 2 replies)

Being awarded qualifications
I did fuck all coursework.. Even took several exams on acid. To this day ive no idea how on earth I came out with 8 decent GCSE grades.

I often wonder if perhaps something went wrong at the exam board. Bet there's some poor person who did great in the GCSE's, but who by some strange twist of fate, got my grades and was consigned to working the conveyor belt at their local phallic object factory.
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 16:36, Reply)

Finding

a tampon instruction leaflet in the playground.

Gathering round with my mates to study the lovely but perplexing diagrams.

Spending the next few years wondering why women squatted on a chair and inserted albino gerbils up their fuzz box...
( SpankyHanky, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 15:40, Reply)