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This is a question Sexual Disasters

We've all been there. Tormented by Mr Floppy. Unable to find a condom at 3am. Getting cramp just when you're getting a rhythm on. A 10/10 at 1am who mysteriously becomes into a swamp donkey at 10am. The walk of shame. Tell us the tales of your sexual disasters. We won't judge.

(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 17:49)
Pages: Popular, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Losing the "V" Plates.
Look we've all been there.
Stops, looks around and remembers where he is. Let's begin again.

Despite what you may have seen in the movies - there is no musical interlude or sweeping shots of nubile young bodies becoming languorously intertwined. There's no close ups of tender kisses becoming more fervent and passionate and no suggestive pan shots following the male protagonist as he kisses the curves of a fit female form moving slowly and inexorably from her underboob down her trim belly towards her trembling and bucking pubis.

Or at least there wasn't for me.
We met during an inter-school production of "A Midsummer Nights Dream". Calm Down - we were both over the Age of Consent!
Jacinta was a big girl, not fat but certainly voluptuous. An absolute cracking set of norks on her - to this day those tits still fuel some of the one handed shuffles that occasionally happen. Anyway, Jay (as was her nickname) took an immediate shine to me - we were both backup dancers and as such found ourselves with a lot of spare time on our hands. Spare time Jay used to her fullest advantage in getting me interested in her. By doing things like snogging me and getting me to put my fingers down her pants and into her foofoo and wiggling them just so. She was very instructive. Me being an innocent but albeit teen-aged boy - I jumped at every opportunity.

As it was a week or so before opening night we were at my mum's house practising lines. Unfortunately not alone - I had a Japanese exchange student staying with us and despite all the signals (Jay straddling me and us playing extensive tonsil hockey) Nakatumi just wasn't getting the message that we wanted some alone time. Eventually Jacinta whispered in my ear that we should adjourn somewhere more private. So off to the laundry it was. She insisted we close the sliding door shut and lay down some towels on the cold, tiled floor- apparently she was a little bit private and also at the heaviest point of her menstrual flow and there maybe blood. She also proclaimed to not wanting a cold bum. Naive me didn't think twice - remember teenager and offer of sex. She mentioned that despite the fact that she wasn't really suffering - she'd read in Cosmo that a good humping helped ease the cramps.
It started well - I've already mentioned how pleasant her breasts were. And then the knickers came off. It was a fucking slaughter house down there. She guided my hand to pull on what looked like a white mouse tail poking out and out slid what looked like a fucking massacred rodent. Then she not-so-gently pushed my head down there and instructed me to lick and kiss. Despite Mr Throbby pulsing away I was a little nonplussed - I wanted to please her but I was somewhat wary of putting my lips on what reminded me of the wound that's produced when you slice open an animals throat to drain it of blood. I did my best and in the circumstances I'd like to think I performed admirably. She didn't complain as such.

Then it was time. She asked about the 'protection'. Oh shit, it was in my room. Off I trotted bloody towel around my waist making a tent and doing my best Nosferatu impression. Nakatumi looked up in surprise from what he was reading and then grinned. Then I was back and Jay was expertly (?) rolling it onto me. She straddled me and that was it - I. WAS. HAVING. SEX! As I approached the vinegar strokes I heard a continuous banging behind me. Just as I was about to blow my load for the first time in a real, live, female human being I turned to look at the door a saw Nakatumi pumping away and peeking through the gap, joining Jay and myself in our ecstasy.

Jay slid off, gathered herself, got dressed, thanked me, gave me a peck on the cheek and left all before my slowly wilting cock had shrivelled fully into a sad little latex bag of spent, sticky love. She didn't seem so interested in me after that - Eppsly who was playing Auberon seemed to have caught her eye and attention. And Nakatumi kept smiling at me slyly and keeping me up with his bedhead knocking against the other side of my bedroom wall most nights. The play went well but after that I stuck to volunteering to work backstage - we got to smoke and drink.

tl;dr: boy loses virginity to a more experienced partner whilst exchange student looks on and wanks.
(, Sat 21 Mar 2015, 22:42, 4 replies)
Virgin sexxx
When I was but a young lad my first serious girlfriend and I decided one summer's day that we should both lose our virginity by doing the deed in the local fields. We found a bit of a dip in the middle of one field that was like a lovely sunny nest and divested ourselves of our netherwear.

I would like to think that it was the massive manly girth of my John Thomas which seemed to make it impossible but in retrospect it was more likely because she was a bit nervous and rather dry. For what seemed like hours I manfully attempted to get it in there with no success. So inexperienced (and sore) were we by then that my girlfriend actually asked 'have we done it yet?' The answer to that question came from one of the four blokes standing at the edge of the hollow behind us - 'Fraid not love. Do you want us to show him how?'

That was even more embarrassing than the fact that his alsatian was excitedly sniffing my arse.
(, Sat 21 Mar 2015, 12:39, 5 replies)
Michael Jackson's wedding night
'It goes where? Eeeuuuuchhhh!'
(, Sat 21 Mar 2015, 9:49, Reply)
I wish I could claim this was said about me
A friend once bagged herself a Thor-looking motherfucker from her Uni course but found herself unable to do the deed, due to his, er, thunderhammer. Her exact words were "I didn't know whether to sit on it or lean up against it and wait for a bus"
(, Sat 21 Mar 2015, 8:48, 5 replies)
This could be the PHERFECCT opportune for me to relate the MAHAHOOSIVE LESBIAN LICK-ATHON that occurred between, now let me see:

Me (your lovely, super smexy, smart, small but pert titted Dr Skagra)
River Song
Romana (both incarnations)
Madame Kovarian
Madame Karabraxos
Sarah Jane Smith
Jo Grant
Liz Shaw
Mrs Winters
Sara Kingdom
Captain Wrack
Miss Trefusis
Lady Adrasta
Lucy Saxon
Old Mother
Emelia Rumford
Cessair of Diplos
Queen Xanxia
Princess Strella
Corporal Bell
Tasha Lem
Professor Lasky
Nasreen Chaudhry
Miss Dexter
Sylvia Noble
Captain Magambo
Kate Stewart
Queen Liz 1 and 2
Jenny Flint
Yvonne Hartman
Bernice Summerfield

And some others, probably.

But as it was not a 'sexual disaster', I can't really tell uou all about it, cos it was A SEXUAL SUCCESS!

A SEXCESS, if you will!


(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 22:26, 8 replies)
My mate told me that when Dodi Fayed took the old princess up the 'aris he repeatedly split her rectum
it was sexual Di's arse tears
(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 21:18, 7 replies)
Heard-tell from a friend
She said, "You know what they say about Asian men? (sigh) It's true."
(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 18:45, 13 replies)
There was this dead horse, right, and I got dressed up as a dominatrix and started flogging it.

(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 18:36, 9 replies)
I dun a sex with a fatty
and my willy got hurt.
(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 13:04, 7 replies)
The West Ham U-13s football tour
It was proper filthy, I shouldn't tell...

...alright, when I fingered her she shit down my arm.
(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 12:00, 5 replies)
Allow me to repost from 2011
Definitely one to make the chaps cringe......
Many moons ago, when I was but a lad (about 18 and discovering the joys of inappropriateness with the leydees) I suffered from a condition called Phimosis - feel free to google it but it's basically a foreskin that is too tight to retract without causing pain and swelling.....

One evening, lubricated by a number of pints of the lunatic special at the Old Man and Scythe I managed to get lucky with a lady and managed to "do the deed". It hurt like hell but somehow the old fella managed to perform and all was good.

Until later that night. If you can imagine the scenario - the foreskin retracts but decides to shrink around my bellend. Basically I was priapic with a persistent erection and my helmet was turning an angry purple and getting larger. I managed to live with it for a few hours until the pain became too much to bear.

Now the object of my affection that evening was a nurse and thought (due to the effects of being shitfaced) that it would be a simple process to relieve the pressure until I could seek professional assistance. So we commenced the operation...

Nail scissors sterilised in a ligher flame, ice liberally applied to the offending area to numb the pain and the banjo string and the stubborn ring of foreskin around the base of the helmet is cut! I was very surprised how tough human flesh is, even in the most delicate of areas.....

All was good for about 30 seconds. The pressure subsided and things started to look normal then the pain decided to kick in together with copious blood flow. If didn't know I could bleed so much and live. It was everywhere, the sink, the bath, the floor, the bathmat, towels - you name it, it got a soaking.

We decided at that point that a trip to casualty was in order.....the member for Quimborough was wrapped in a towel and the ambulance was called.

It was worth the embarassment of the consultation as the next day I'd had an emergency circumcision and a few weeks later (once the stitches had disssolved/been picked out) I discovered the true joy of sex.

Absolutely true and the most painful thing I've ever encountered but worth it in the end.
(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 11:39, 3 replies)
Wanking disaster
Once I tried mixing things a bit by only stroking the helmet, rather than the usual spasmodic tugging. It takes some patience, but once things heated up, it was promising to be a dozy of an orgasm. I was lying down in my bed, all the tension in my body focused in my groin, ready to explode...

And that's how I came in my own eye.

Edit: doozy, not dozy. Though I do toss myself off to Dozy's livestream efforts.
(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 11:30, 4 replies)
Unaware that French people are basically walking repositories of STDs, my American housemate had unprotected sex with a French girl
Then he had to have over 100 warts removed from his genitals by freezing them off with injections of liquid nitrogen, as well as treatment for chlamydia. Strangely this did nothing to dissuade him from his belief that his circumcision was some kind of magic barrier against STD infection because about a month later he was boasting to me and our friends about having unprotected anal sex with another girl, fresh off the boat from Peru. Neither did it diminish his predilection for unprotected sex with French people as he continued to see them both for a couple of months afterwards, despite the French girl going back to France every so often to have sex with her ex - presumably to "top up" her infections.
(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 10:32, Reply)

(, Fri 20 Mar 2015, 3:02, 4 replies)
Sex is a disaster for all parties concerned
Just a huge mess of fluids, regrets and self loathing.
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 23:59, 5 replies)
I was 18 and back from uni for Xmas. My mate and I hit town on Xmas eve and got trashed....

While walking home I saw little and large and decided to ask where they were going....mistake. Ended up going clubbing, more drinks,mthe a taxi. Large got dropped off leaving me and little (less large really). Back to hers but be quiet as her Dad was upstairs,,,,,weird as she was about 35 (and rough).

Bad sex...just bad...and she had hairy tits. Not like hairy nipples, but hairy tits.
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 23:08, 2 replies)
In a room in a London flat I was doing it in a standing position, thrusting away with her sitting on my computer desk with her legs apart
Worried that she might tip over my new flat screen (back when they were expensive), I decided to move things to my bed. Thinking it would be macho, I attempted to do this without disengagement, picking her up and carrying her there. It was either my trousers around my ankles or my dirty washing on the floor, but I tripped as I neared the bed. She bodyslammed on the floor, and my head (the one on top of my neck) went headbutting through the plaster wall, leaving a hole you could put your fist through. But it all worked out ok. I got my bond back
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 22:58, 1 reply)
Hey, how come the doveston's post didn't win last week's qotw?

(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 19:23, 5 replies)
In my more experimental days
Poppers. "Gets you going!" Well the stupid cunt nearly poured the whole fucking bottle down my nose. "Oops..." My entire face turned Alex Ferguson's nose red, I shook helplessly, like a baby in Louise Woodward's hands, and I was shitting myself that my head would do a Scanners.

I've had better nights.
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 19:21, 1 reply)

On top of, and inside, the ex
It didn't matter so much because she was asleep as well. Never try having sex at the end of a long shift, it will just end up like that. Still, was pleasant enough to wake up though, we just shagged then instead.
jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 1 Jan 2007, 11:03, Ignore, closed)
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 19:16, 1 reply)

(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 19:12, 6 replies)
The Herald of Free Enterprise?
that gives me the fuckin' HORN.
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 19:10, Reply)
"Wanna try something?" he says?
"Sure, why not?" says a drunken and heretofore sex-starved me.
"Someone left these here" he says, proffering a pack of pampers.

I'd have been less put off by the prospect of hot wax, nipple clamps and a spot of handballing. I didn't hand around long enough to find out who he expected to wear them.
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 18:52, Reply)
As a socially-crippled 45 year old virgin, I find this question offensive.

(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 18:25, 5 replies)
Sian Williams' foot got stuck up Dozers arse and Grace nibbled on it.

(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 18:04, 1 reply)
Met her in a pub in Kensington
Shocked at how fat she was
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 17:58, Reply)
I had sex
Needless to say I had the last laugh.
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 17:55, 3 replies)

This question is now closed.

Pages: Popular, 3, 2, 1