Women...
Cut the crap.

Less chat, more sucking.

There's a good girl.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 20:00, 1 reply)

mirrors in boozehouse toilets
women generally catch a glimpse of themselves on the way out of a pub/club toilet and think "FUCKING CHRIST I LOOK LIKE A TRAMP" and spend an extra 5 minutes twatting around with makeup.

men simply think "I look fucking tremendous", have a quick glance for redeye, a fiddle with their possible quiff, then leave. unless you're some kind of girlyman.
(injektilo smoking the weed that killed elvis, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 19:05, 2 replies)

All-female house share
It will be a total tip, with leaking pipes, rotting floorboards, clothes all over the floor and a bathroom full of more chemicals than Middlesbrough topsoil, although the kitchen will be nice and clean.

A woman's car NEVER gets vacuumed clean, and the passenger footwell is actually just a large bin. Whenever you get in they apologise for the 18 inches deep of chocolate wrappers, used snotrags and mind-numbing gossip mags, but never do anything about it.

At least us men keep our cars tidy and sometimes fix stuff around the house, even if we turn kitchens into something that would scare off Kim and Aggie.
(rogerzilla, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 18:36, 3 replies)

Blended pearoast from CP
I have found in my many years on this planet that women are great. No, really, I think women are wonderful with all their inny and outy bits but they have some habits which drive me to incoherent throat-ripping fury.
Firstly - Referrals to others once you've answered their question. WTF!? I once had my ex-wife ask her father if I was "doing the right thing" when I serviced the brakes on her car.
Her father is a carpenter. He has never driven. He has never owned a car. He gets service personnel to replace knobs (the push-on types) on cookers and washing machines so he's the OBVIOUS choice to ask about my knowledge and skills.
On the other hand I'm only a qualified engineer with eleven years international experience in building, testing and rectifying gas turbine prime movers for warships and power stations. I have built five kit cars and been a backup mechanic for a semi-pro racing team. I was a registered firearms dealer for some years, working on some really expensive and complicated weaponry (servicing telescopic sights in a home-built clean room glovebox with a dry nitrogen atmosphere anyone?). But, better to ask daddy than me, because daddy knows best.
Secondly, I have found that ALL the women I have spent time with CANNOT WAIT FOR INFORMATION.
If a situation arises that necessitates waiting for information they won't shut up about it. For instance, when I was married, my ex-wife's car went wrong. I booked it into a garage (warranty claim) for the next day.
As soon as I got home she started.
"What do you think is wrong"?
"I have no idea, that's why the garage is doing the work"
"What will they do to the car"?
"I don't know, that's why the garage is doing the work, utilising their specific knowledge of the marque".
"How long will they take"?
"I don't know, that's why you've got a courtesy car all day".
"What do you think is wrong"?
FOR FUCK'S SAKE WOMAN, I'VE ANSWERED EVERY INANE FUCKING QUESTION YOU'VE ASKED WITH "I DON'T KNOW" GET THE HINT!!!!!!
And while I'm at it, how do women think men get information? I mean, I've been sitting in front of you all the time so why ask the same question? I had no idea 5 minutes ago, I've not seen another human being or used any communication device in those 5 minutes so where do you think I've got the information from, fucking telepathy?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 18:24, 11 replies)

Concise
Click if you think tits are ace.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 18:23, 8 replies)

Women are infuriatingly inconsistent
Man-she-fancies says "you look gorgeous".
Result : woman enjoys compliment.

Man-she-doesn't-fancy says "you look gorgeous".
Result : woman feels violated by sexist pig.

Man-she-fancies pursues her.
Result : woman goes on date, cops off etc.

Man-she-doesn't-fancy pursues her.
Result : man arrested for stalking.

edit : this QotW is becoming very cathartic.
( finnbar has officially retired, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 18:04, 1 reply)

i don't like sexist men
but there is a breed of sexist women who are far worse. these women will fight tooth and nail to be allowed to do anything a man can do, whether she wants to do it or not. however, she still fully expects a man to hold doors for her, carry her shopping, buy her drinks and treat her like the spoiled little princess she is. she will call a man sexist if he comments on her looks, yet feel she is entitled to say what she likes about him. some of these women, if accused of sexism, will state that they can't possibly be sexist because they're women. am i the only woman here who wants to scratch their stupid eyes out and run them into a lamppost?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 17:41, 17 replies)

Faffing.....
Women, what is it with all the faffing? why do simple tasks often seem to take twice as long when a woman is carrying them out

case in point: cash machines

man.. walks up, puts card in, enters pin, cash-no-receipt, shoves cash in pocket, done

woman... walks up, locates card in universe-swallowing bag, pops card in. views balance, prints mini statement, cash-with-receipt, finds purse, puts cash in purse, clears out some receipts from purse, done
(court escaper, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 17:31, 3 replies)

ladies
put yer knickers on and go make me a cup of tea


(shamen Geekius Maximus, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 17:27, 1 reply)

Just do it!
Basically do what you are capable of regardless of gender. But I have to say I am good with a broomstick ;-).
(Just Me being probed by aliens since, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 17:24, 4 replies)

"I think women are best off getting married and having a few kids"
i have just come back from our family christmas holiday. we took my brother's kids to florida. now, i adore my nephew (4) and nieces (3 and 4 months). they are genuinely gorgeous children and usually very well behaved, although the middle one is more contrary than mary with every cockleshell in her garden rammed up her arse. and i firmly believe that people should have children or not have them, and it's nobody else's business but their own.

but oh my fucking god, having spent the last 10 days in the company of two overexcited hyperactive young children, being dragged around disney and busch gardens and seaworld and epcot without any chance to catch my breath because auntie swipe is a novelty and a soft touch who can be relied upon to buy every shiny, sparkly or sweet thing that catches their eyes, i cannot agree with the above sentiment.

children? they are walking reminders to use contraception, people!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 16:46, 3 replies)

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle...
...until there's a spider in the house, the bin needs taking out, the kitchen sink needs unblocking or the car is making a funny noise. Then there is a sudden XX chromosome fail.
(rogerzilla, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 16:03, 4 replies)

ok i admit, i can have double standards towards men...
always staring into the mirror and being obsessed with their appearance is not a character trait i admire.
nor is the idea of having so many clothes and shoes than whats needed.

for most people being materialistic and vain are not desirable character traits.
also it's unfair to be accused of being impatient when being dragged around girly shops for 4 hours in my own time to watch some one buy nothing!

i don't understand those who have absolutely no appreciation for athletic achievement.
if a male friend ever suggested watching notting hill over taxi driver it is unlikely that we would be friends for long.
particularly if they complain and complain until you give in and watch some shite like sex in the city, then they never ever ever take the chance to watch something worth watching!

i get bored quickly if a mate is so insecure about his appearance that he needs to be reassured he looks good every day.
if you're good looking and know you have pulling power, then really that should satisfy you enough.


those who believe that animation and video games are made for children irritate me.
looking down on such things believing they are more highbrow while reading 'heat' or 'love it' magazine can often bring my piss to a boil!
"south park is just junk food television! can't you watch something good for once!?!" is often a phrase a hear while ironically hearing the theme tune to fucking x-factor start from her TV.

making an equal amount of mess in your home and later accusing you of being dirty.

staring in adoration at sleeping babies just baffles me... it's just a person asleep!!! WTF!?!




yep, if a male friend had all of the above character traits i probably wouldn't have much time for him.
yet if i met a girl like mel below who behaved in the same way...

i can think of two reasons why we would get on just fine ;)




(sweatytramp, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 15:29, 6 replies)

Sense of smell....
all of the women I know have a much more sensitive sense of smell than the men I know. Especially pregnant women, they could probably track fugitives.

Which must be why my missus came up with the 6 Categories of Fart:

Meat
Sweet
Egg
Veg
Nut
Gas

She dislikes the sweet ones most of all.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 14:43, 6 replies)

There's a mathematical answer to all of this...
Let us accept the standard male adage that women consume a lot of your time and hard-earned cash, that is

Women = Time x Money

However, it is also oft said that "Time is Money," or

Time = Money

Therefore,

Women = Money x Money = (Money)²

Now taking as true the old proverb that "Money is the root of all evil," i.e.,

Money = SQRT(Evil)

And substituting into the previous expression,

Women = (Money)² = [SQRT(Evil)]²

Therefore

Women = Evil

_{Sorry, the old ones are the best...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 13:56, 8 replies)

ending the studs vs slags debate...
so many times i hear folks commenting how unfair it is to congratulate men who sleep around as studs, and then condemn women who sleep around as slags.

well theres meaning in the madness...

it's hard to be a stud
but it's easy to be a slag
(sweatytramp, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 13:43, 6 replies)

Women define themselves through suffering
..especially in relationships. They enjoy bitching and moaning about how their bloke doesn't do enough around the house and how put upon they are, and comparing notes with their friends.

If all men suddenly became the perfect domestic gods, they wouldn't have a single thing to talk about.

*runs very fast*
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 13:37, 1 reply)

Ask a man a simple question
and you will get a simple answer.
Ask a woman the same question and you will learn, after a considerable time, the entire story of her activities that day and that it was a stupid question anyway.
( Puromycin is still licking windows, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 13:31, Reply)

If you vote, please Click too,
The more people who see this and vote makes the poll all the more accurate. Anyone clicking option 3 will be hunted down and gender verified.

B3tans or B3tanettes - Are you




You can see a better representation of the results here
www.b3ta.com/board/9852717
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 12:57, Reply)

The ousgg gender-domestic animal binary metaphor
Men are dogs. Women are cats.

Men are idiotically faithful, adoring, well-intentioned and enthusiastic. OK, they're sometimes a bit smelly, dribble while they sleep and make a godawful mess while eating, but you'd always be happy to introduce one to your best friend or parents in the knowledge that you could take one away again.

Women are dainty, fastidious, picky and stubborn. They will do whatever pleases them and not an ounce more. You wouldn't trust one out of your sight for more than ten minutes. They will come and cuddle you when it suits them, and happily ignore you if there's something more interesting elsewhere.

Men are dogs. Women are cats.

A man who has indulged in Jackass-style tomfoolery or slept with a string of women is referred to as a 'sly dog' with affection by his friends. A woman who has delivered a tongue-lashing to a man will, in shrieking tones and laughter, be called 'catty'.

The opposite applies. A woman described as a 'bitch' clearly deserves all she's getting. A man described as a 'pussy' generally isn't worthy of the masculine race.

Men are dogs. Women are cats.

Men go out in packs to enjoy shooting, fishing, swimming and sports in general. They are happy to express themselves with shouting and tussling that may look vicious or violent to others, but in actuality is only a playing ritual. They will unquestioningly drink any beer that is put under their nose and happily piss in the high street afterwards.

Women prefer to curl up in comfort and while away time. They treat new challenges and experiences with suspicion and distrust and are not hesitant to hiss and lash out when outside of their comfort zone. They treat any food or drink put in front of them with a critical eye and are not afraid to leave it. They do NOT piss in the high street.

Men are dogs. Women are cats.

A smaller man, confronting a bigger one, will make no issue of size. In their minds, every man is equal - we have all seen ferocious little five-foot men take a bottle to the face without wincing as much as we have seen a great jessie of a bloke get kicked in the knee and claim a war wound while retiring to the smoking garden. At the end of the day, they will accept their differences and happily lick over each others wounds.

All women, when confronting others, are automatically jealous and will assume the other is better. They will circle each other, often for hours on end, trading verbals and killer glares. Even when allegedly 'friends', there will be frequent spats and arguments over mates, food and space.

Men are dogs. Women are cats. I am sexist, presumably.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 12:56, 6 replies)

Men are better at not being a grown up
Case in point. Mrs SLVA watches Xmas TV, reads and listens to CDs. At no point has she ever felt the desire to join me playing wth Technics Lego since 10am on Xmas morning.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 12:48, 1 reply)

I kissed a girl
was a very popular song. Even though the blatant premise was a girl experimenting with a bit of girl on girl.

Would a male version of the song with the lyric, "I Kissed a Man and I liked it" sang by a contemporary male singer (gay or straight) been so successful? Would it have been villified in the media and got nowhere near as much airtime as the Katy Perry song, if indeed any airtime at all?

To sum up, it is, in my opinion,and to nick a line from Wikipedia, "a classic example of the 'Guys kissing is gross, girls kissing is hot' line of thought".

I rest my case M'Lud
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 12:43, 4 replies)

Women only want equality for the good stuff
They never want to clean sewers or tarmac roads. They just want to be CEOs and astronauts.
( finnbar has officially retired, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 12:34, 6 replies)

A woman gets pissed at a party and starts masturbating in full view of everyone, that's sexy...
I do the same thing and I'm looking at a court appearance, an entry on the sex offenders register and a community service order.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 12:31, 4 replies)

Ageist sexism
I find it easier to give up my seat on a busy bus to a wrinkly lady than a wrinkly man , or at least that the man has to be much more wrinkly than the lady for me to offer .

But holding doors open is for either gender , irrespective of age , surely ?
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 12:23, Reply)

Problems, problems
In my world, problems fall into two categories:

1) Problems you should do something about.

2) Problems you just have to put up with.

As a rule of thumb, if a problem is bad enough to complain about, it's category 1. Therefore, if someone starts moaning to me about a problem, I'll assume it's category 1 and start thinking of things to do about it, thus going from a state of having the problem to one of not having it. In my mind, this is a good thing. I cannot fathom why any sane person would not think otherwise.

A lot of women seem to disagree with me on this, to the point of getting angry if I actually try to help them solve a problem.
(lolwhites, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 11:42, 13 replies)

Sexist 'banter' from some women
is *generally* cheered on by other women, sure it's not exactly meant or taken too seriously by women or men, but a sexist quip from the mouth of a man turns him into a pariah.

The comments like 'typical man' in themselves are harmless enough, I just think the double standard doesn't do any of us any good.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 11:27, 1 reply)

Why are there women posting on this??
shouldn't they be in the kitchen or cleaning or something??? there's not enough hours in the day for them to finish their housework if they're pissing about on here, posting sexist comments about how all men are bastards!

back to the kettle women!!
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 10:57, 1 reply)