Ok another.....
Q: What you call a bear with no paw?

A: Rupert the bastard!!

Love it!
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 13:52, Reply)

Black men's breeks
Q: Why do black men wear baggy trousers?

A: Cos their Knee-grows

Fuckin Genius!
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 13:40, Reply)

Manny, manny apologeys if dun alreedy
Caretaker at WTC sacked for leaving on the landing lights.

Ba-da-ching

I hank ooo
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 13:33, Reply)

What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 12:47, Reply)

There's a Jew, a Hindu and a Scouser
They're on a long road trip and can't find anywhere to stay the night. Finally they find a dodgy motel that has some space, but the proprietor tells them the only room left contains one single bed. They agree that two of them will share the bed and the third will sleep outside in the barn.

The Jew volunteers to sleep outside, and the Hindu and the Scouser settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Jew.

"I'm sorry guys, but there's a pig in the barn. Pigs are regarded as unclean animals in my religion and I couldn't possibly share a room with it."

So, the Hindu heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Scouser settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Hindu.

"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are regarded as sacred animals in my religion. I couldn't possibly desecrate it with my unholy presence."

So, the Scouser heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Hindu settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 12:44, Reply)

A nice little racist joke - but not in the way that you think...
An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"
(misteroz1979, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 8:51, Reply)

Has this one been done?
Irish authorities have admitted that the decision to bury George Best in my lucky blue coat led to the stillbirth of a baby on April 1st.

Hemel Hempstead needs a tsunami to put out the fire.
(misteroz1979, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 8:40, Reply)

*Not as sick as some...but orginal i think*
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as
well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to
the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.The father,
shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the
right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says ......
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

**My 1st post!**
(You Love It, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 14:42, Reply)

\|/
C R A P
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 13:04, Reply)

A little obvious
Whats brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and with "T", and have a "U" and an "N" in it?

A CUNT!

Woo-hoo!
(misteroz1979, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 12:48, Reply)

The flash and superman are walking down the street one evening
and they spy wonder woman through a window, legs akimbo and looking rather aroused.

The flash makes a bet with superman - "I bet I can get in there, fuck her ragged and be back out here before she knows what happened."

Superman agrees, and the flash goes ahead with it.

"What the fuck was that?" screamed wonder woman.

"I don't know, but it ripped my arse to shreds!" screamed the invisible man.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 11:58, Reply)

smokin'
Today Irish authorities have admitted that George Best was not buried in Ireland, however the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead is now deeply regretted.




.
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 11:38, Reply)

Always goes down well at Christmas dinner
Knock knock!

Who's there?

Cancer!
(misteroz1979, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 11:13, Reply)

Eeeurghh!
ABRIDGED
Little girl abducted from playground, turns up later, daddy sits her down in front room to ask what happened, starts to tell him falteringly about clothes being taken off her and being fingered - "can't tell you any more, daddy" - "well, make it up then" **FWAP, FWAP, FWAP**
UNABRIDGED
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 10:10, Reply)

Bad Taste Joke.
This one is from Jimmy Carr's live tour.

Whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a maggot?.......

Being raped!

A little harsh maybe?
(monkeyboy13, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 9:24, Reply)

I didn't want to read through all jokes to see if this one was posteded already
Man goes to the doctor to hear test results.

Doctor: bad news. You have cancer and Altzheimer.

Man: Well, luckily no cancer!
(Dr Slurkie Slurkie, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 8:35, Reply)

Whats worse
than letting your kids sleep with Michael Jackson?

Letting Ian Huntley give them a bath.
(sugarcoatednoodlemonkey, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 22:18, Reply)

Picture The Scene.....
It's the weekend, with a week to go before christmas.

Michael Jackson is sitting at home, with his aide, and feels like getting into the Christmas spirit, so asks his aide to go out and rent him a DVD.. something with a bit of a seasonal feel.....

Trouble is, MJ hasnt really much of a clue what he wants...

So his aide suggests "Tell you what Michael, seeing as you're a big Disney fan, why not get Aladdin?"

To which Jackson replies: "Fuck off, you know what I had to go through last time I did that......"

Coat is already on!
(assistant commissioner terra blanche, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 19:03, Reply)

how do you get a one armed Irishman ot of a tree?
wave!
(lightie, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 15:38, Reply)

Searched but haven't found it, so
A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a pain in my rectum"
So the doctor gets him to drop his trousers and has a look up his arsehole - he sees a £20 note, so he pulls it out, then he sees another, and another and another and so on until finally he puts down £1995 quid on his desk.
He says to the man, "did you know you had £1995 up your arse?",
"Ah, says the man, I knew I wasn't feelling too grand."
(dchurch bah, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 15:11, Reply)

joke thing...
Q: whats the hardest bit to cook on a cabbage?

A: The wheelchair

(ayyy!)
(lightie, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 15:10, Reply)

Meh

What do you call 500 caucasian running down a mountain?

An avalanch

What do you call 500 'blacks' running down a mountain?

A mudslide

What do you call 500 mexicans running down a mountain?

A jail break
( Lilith, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 13:06, Reply)

Err....
A man gets called urgently to the local hospital, to find that his wife is in a coma, following being hit by a bus.

He is greeted by the doctor, who tells him that she is in a near vegetative state, however, there is a slight glimmer still there.

The doctor suggests, that her husband go into the cubicle, and give her oral sex, in the vain hope that it might just stimulate her brain, and pull her out of the coma.

The man is far from happy about doing this, especially with an audience of assorted doctors and nurses, but the head doctor assures him that they would all wait outside, and listen to the beeps of the monitors from outside, to detect any changes.

Anyway, in he goes, and after about 5 minutes, all hell breaks loose, and it transpires his wife has suddenly died.

The doctor said "I don't understand it... oral sex has bought women out of comas before... I cant understand how it has killed her!"

Her husband, looking sheepish, replies: "I think I may have choked her..........."

Can I travel to Hull by train?

:-)
(assistant commissioner terra blanche, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 12:01, Reply)

Sickest joke going....
Q. How do you crucify a Spastic

A. Nail him to a swastika!
(gent jim 333, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 10:18, Reply)

Not Homophobic....

But:

Q: Whats the most commonly used chat up line in gay bars these days?

A: Can I push your stool up for you?

....

Q: What did Robert Maxwell & Freddie Mercury have in common?

A: They were both bumped off by dodgy seamen...

....

Q: Whats white and moves around the floor in time to the beat?

A: Come dancing....

....

That is all.

No Apologies in a length/girth kind of way.
(assistant commissioner terra blanche, Sun 18 Dec 2005, 21:19, Reply)

Christmas themed
Paul Mccartney has just bought his wife a plane for Christmas. He bought her a lady-shave for the other leg.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 18 Dec 2005, 17:53, Reply)

I just made this up:
Q) Why is David Copeland like a person addicted to cigarettes?

A) They both smoke a load of fags.


Oh god I am a comedy genius...
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Sat 17 Dec 2005, 20:20, Reply)

What's brown and sticky?
Damilola Taylor
(superjohhnywindows, Sat 17 Dec 2005, 19:57, Reply)

With apologies to Hempsteaders
Apparently, shops in Hemel Hempstead have reported record sales of crumpets and marshmallows.

Mmmmm toasty like the fires of hell.
(Elmsters, Sat 17 Dec 2005, 17:40, Reply)

whats pink and fluffy?
pink fluff

whats blue and fluffy

pink fluff holding its breath...duh!
(littlebusstudiesone, Sat 17 Dec 2005, 17:38, Reply)