Alignment
Last week I was sitting in a very dull meeting. I was at one end of a long table with 4 or 5 people sitting in a line in front of me. As the boring speaker droned on I realised that the heads of those 4 or 5 people were almost aligned. I started to move my head sideways slightly, back and forth, until eventually I got in a position where all the heads were hidden behind the head of the person closest to me. "Yes!" I said under my breath (or so I thought), just at a quiet moment in the presentation. Everyone turned to look at me, surprised that I was so impressed with the explanation of business processes. It was the best thing that I achieved that day.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 12:16, 1 reply)

Being a published comedy author
I once got a joke published in FHM
(ScousersPet, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 12:16, 2 replies)

I have mastered the meaning of the word "week".

(McChinaman banned, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 8:47, 1 reply)

The Beast of Cubicle Four
Not me (really - I'd be quite proud if it was) but someone in our office lays the longest cables I have ever seen. We cannot quite figure out who it is but have narrowed it down to a small group of three. It's always in the same toilet (cubicle 4, hence the subject line) and whichever one of them it is has a terrible time dropping his logs, judging by the sounds I once heard coming out of there. There was a total set of "Oohs & ows", a long, drawn-out "gawwwwwd" - finally culminating in a classic 'Oh, Jeeeeeeesus..."

It's a matter of small regret to me that I didn't hang around long enough to see who came out of there, but this was as it became generally noted. It's also been the cause of a rather eloquent sign that now sits on the back of each toilet door, where it cannot fail to be seen by anyone sat on the bog, and says: 'Please ensure that flushing has the desired effect, even if you have to flush more than once.'

Don't know who this man is, but I doff a metaphorical cap to him.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Fri 24 Oct 2014, 1:32, 10 replies)

💨
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 22:36, Reply)

I once farted in such a way...
...that my cheeks parted and "grabbed" my.underpants!

This is likely the closest thing to a superpower that I'll ever have.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 22:35, 1 reply)

I made the newsletter in 2005...
...with a video celebrating how much I love b3ta.

Thank you b3ta gods. That made me very happy.

I have done very little since, as all the creativity has gone into bringing up two daughters. One day... one day...
( dbond, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 22:15, 1 reply)

tosser, go away

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 22:00, Reply)

'glasscock'!
Haha lol!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 20:22, Reply)

My YouTube channel has just clocked over half a million views
Not bad considering I only post stuff up there for fun. It matters naught in the great scheme of things but I figure that if mankind has time to watch all the rubbish I churn out we can't be doing all that badly as a species! :-)
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 19:03, 3 replies)

yes, we do

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 18:46, Reply)

Do we still get stepped for posting 'Tosser, go away'?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 18:38, Reply)

I was both the first and last poster in one QOTW
Unless one of you bastards spoils it.
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Thu 23 Oct 2014, 17:27, Reply)

I once saw Alexei Sayle in the northbound car park of Keele Services on the M6.

( brb homonecrobatrachophile, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 14:26, 2 replies)

It's suddenly become like The Stepford Wives round here.
Creepy.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 23 Oct 2014, 0:42, 11 replies)

I wrote a letter to Jeremy Hunt MP about his support of homeopathy...
...and because I'm a nerdy spod I published it on my website. Nothing happened for literally years.

Then a journalist found it, mentioned it in an article, and it has been following him round like a bad smell ever since.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 22 Oct 2014, 18:07, 3 replies)

Open University
I learned loads of stuff by accident from the random OU programmes which used to be on at odd times on BBC2 (mainly Sunday mornings). Example: it is virtually impossible to verify a miracle. Does that count as an achievement?
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 22 Oct 2014, 18:04, 7 replies)

Hot rod
The first time I went sea fishing I caught a shark. I've not been back. It's spoiled me for future angling expeditions.

I still talk about this achievement to anyone who'll listen. Then again, this was off the coast of Western Australia so I imagine it's difficult NOT to catch a shark there.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Wed 22 Oct 2014, 16:41, 10 replies)

I entered a new 'mother-in-law' joke competition run by a bloke-based wedding website
and got second place behind Dave Spikey but beat Shappi Khorsandi and Gary Delaney.

As reported in the Daily Mail:

and plenty of other news papers/websites.


No prize except kudos and the vague hope that loads of people were wondering who the shuddering fuck I was and did I have a DVD out for Christmas.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Wed 22 Oct 2014, 15:23, 16 replies)

Not my silly achievement but:- My 5 year old son
can lick yogurt off the underside of his own chin.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 22 Oct 2014, 14:14, 9 replies)

I was asked to join in work's Friday lunchtime 5-a-side game
I've never been any good at football but I was hoping to make a good impression so I said I'd do it. After running around, wheezing and coughing for about 40 minutes, I started to get the hang of it and 10 minutes before the end of the game I was on the outside of the penalty box, the ball came to my feet and I pushed it past the keeper. Given that I haven't really played football since I was at school, I was like, "That's the first goal I've scored since... since..." and I realised that I couldn't actually remember having scored a goal before.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 22 Oct 2014, 10:20, 3 replies)

I had a letter printed in Private Eye the week Linda McCartney died. I quote:
"I note Linda McCartney has requested that instead of flowers, well-wishers donate to charities for animal welfare and cancer research in her memory. Perhaps if her animal welfare friends had stopped firebombing medical research clinics, they might have found a cure for her cancer earlier."
My proudest publication ever.
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Tue 21 Oct 2014, 23:55, 3 replies)

Long Range flatulance
After uni my first job was in a factory and after a pleasent evening at the local brewery i was trying and failing at letting out a couple of silent farts (i previously had great success with what i later discovered to be called crop dusting while passing through the welding shop) while we were all standing around outside waiting for the buzzer to go and the working day to begin. they were so evil that nobody was fooled when i claimed that they were not mine.

so about half an hour later i am standing at one end of the warehouse and a couple of my collegues were down the other end knowing i would get the blame for any arse gas that day i shouted to get thier attention and went for the combined bent knee and elbow motion as i pushed out a particularly big one.

moments later they were shouting at me, pulling their shirts up over their noses and claiming that i must have "pulled mud with that one".

length? around 30 to 40 meters (thankfully i was able to hold the rest in until the walk home)
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Tue 21 Oct 2014, 23:37, 1 reply)

I won £30 in a nightclub fruit machine.
Really, that's about the long and short of it, but there is some context here if you'll allow me to explain:

(Wavy lines ensue)

Around about the turn of the Millenium, a much younger version of me worked in a nightclub in the town of Swindon, behind the bar. It was a 2nd job for me, because I was always utterly, utterly skint at the time. This worked in a couple ways, because it meant that I was behind the bar most nights, but on the odd night off, or a Sunday, I could go have a few drinks at one of the other fine establishments that Swindon had to offer in the late 90's.

On one such Sunday, I met up at the usual jump-off point for an evening's drinking, but I was in trouble as I only had about 3 pounds to my name, and it was two pounds to the only nightclub that was open on Sunday, and then 60p drinks all evening. I thought I'd be able to blag a few from some mates, but it was looking like a light evening was on the cards.

I spied one of my work buddies at our usual table, minus a drink. A quick conversation established that we were both skint. When the doors opened at 6:30pm, we were ushered into the club, paid the lady at the door, and then grabbed our one and only guaranteed drink for the evening. with our meagre 44p change each, we wandered over to the comfy seating area and propped ourselves over a railing, hoping to catch the eye of a fine-looking damsel or two.

My fellow skintee, Danny leaned over and shouted. "Give us 40p, would'ya?"

To whit I replied: "No."

He pointed at the fruit machine in the corner. "It takes 20p coins, we can get 4 spins on that if you give me your change."

I looked at my options. 44p wasn't going to get me either a taxi, or a kebab. Maybe, just maybe we'd get a couple quid from the machine and take the edge of the couple mile walk home. I dug deep into my pocket and handed Danny my last 20 pence coins.

We sauntered over to the machine and deposited the coins, starting the sequnce of lights that seemed even brighter in the otherwise low-lit room. I leaned against the side of the machine, expecting failure and secretly hoping for success. 1st spin, nothing, same for the 2nd.

On the third spin, 2 jackpot signs appeared on the line and Danny was gifted a nudge by the machine. It was exactly what was needed. A small light explosion went off on the front of the machine and it started to spit out pound coins. My WKD Irn-Bru went everywhere as I jumped for joy. But it didn't end there. The replay button was flashing on yes/no, and danny called it beautifully. Back to back jackpots on a nightclub fruit machine. 30 quid all in. I looked at the pile of coins, and my mind thought of greasy foodstuffs and a comfortable ride back to my house. But I was 18, so that didn't happen.

We took it straight to the bar and spent it all on more WKD Irn-Bru. I woke up in a bush at 3am with my bare feet poking out the top, my shoes having been nicked by a passer by and thrown on a nearby roof. Longest walk home, ever.

TL;DR: See the title
(Ryushin, Tue 21 Oct 2014, 23:32, 7 replies)

I wrote a poem and I'm not even a bender.

(Andrew Avetoom, Tue 21 Oct 2014, 22:18, 2 replies)

I came up with the idea of LED lights in shoes, can't remember
how many years ago. Went to see my mate who is a sparky to discuss details of how to produce them and make our fortune. He asked me to hang on a minute, went to the hall cupboard and brought out his kid's trainers with lights a'flashing.
Still don't know how it all passed me by, duh.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 21 Oct 2014, 21:38, Reply)

I once scored when I was in goal
I am a pretty shite footballer. I was playing in goal in a friendly when the opposition broke forward after my side was on the attack. They lumped the ball forward, leaving me a chase with their striker to get to the ball, I got there first, and nudged the ball past him. Unfortunately, I nudged it too far, and was in another 1-2-1 one charge with a midfielder. I beat him to the ball, and realised by now I was in the fucking centre circle. The players ahead of me seemed to part like the Red Sea, so I thought "fuck it" I'll keep going. I got in a tangle with a defender on the edge of their box but managed to get the ball off him again and broke forward. I then planted the ball precisely in the corner of the net. Best fucking goal I ever scored.

To top it all, thirty seconds later their striker broke 1-on-1 against me and I pulled off the best save of my "career" to deny him a goal. Which was nice.
(jrd, Tue 21 Oct 2014, 18:59, 2 replies)

John Holt, former lead singer of 'The Paragons' and reggae legend dies in hospital, aged 69.
The reggae musician best known for his hits 'Stick By Me' and 'Ali Baba', has died at the age of 69.

Suck that, Mcbeefy Dick!
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 21 Oct 2014, 16:21, 6 replies)

HP sauce
In t'olden days when I wor a lad, the label on HP sauce bottles had a description of the contents written both in English and French. The French version began with 'Cette sauce de haute quality est un melange de fruits orientaux, d'epices et de vinaigre de malt.' It went on for quite a few sentences more and for some reason I learned the whole passage by heart and became most proficient at reciting it. Quite an achievement... but that's not it. As a student I discovered by chance that laydees just can't say no when a bit of French is whispered in their ears. Consequently for years I have got my end away to the whispered description of brown sauce.
I should be ashamed of myself.
But I'm not.
(mallyjoe, Tue 21 Oct 2014, 16:08, 12 replies)

I won a mixed grill at a pub quiz.

( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Tue 21 Oct 2014, 14:51, 10 replies)