Two from my Dad's Copper Days
My Dad was in the police from mid 70s to the mid 80s. Here are two of the stories I have heard from him that tickled me at the time. I've no idea if they are true or not, but he told them as if true.

The Gyppo in the Caravan
So my Dad and two other cops are called to pick up a guy at a Gypsy site on suspicion of something dodgy. They all enter a large caravan and find a very drunk, very angry man shouting at nothing in particular.

So my Dad starts trying to calm the guy down, with Copper 1 behind him on his left and Copper 2 on the right. He's trying various things to calm the guy down, offers of drinks, and 'just wanting a little chat', etc but the guy is not having any of it and pulls a massive knife.

The next few actions took place in a few seconds.

My Dad jumps back into a defensive stance, trained into him from his early career. To his left Copper 1 picks a frying pan off the stove, but rather than brandishing it in defense, he covers his own crotch with it.

My Dad is standing there thinking "What the fuck?" when the Gypsy guy starts to make a lunge at the both of them.

"Oh here we go" thinks my Dad, when out of nowhere Copper 2 appears, brandishing an upright Vacuum Cleaner(!?) and spangs the Gypsy in the forehead with it, end on, as if in a comedy jousting tournament.

The gypsy goes down like a sack of shit, out cold. So they de-arm him, cuff him and wait for him to wake up, at which point they put him in the car.

Unfortunately, they had trouble questioning the guy later, as they couldn't stop cracking up. The Gypsy guy had 'Hoover' branded in reverse across his forehead.

The Cat Burglar
A friend of my Dads (lets call him John) is sent out to investigate some suspicious activity in the Oxford area where he finds a house with a ladder against it, leading up to an ajar bedroom window.

Clearly a bit suspicious, but he can't see a van or any activity. He decides he had better investigate further.

So he proceeds to climb the ladder, remarking to himself how old and rickety it is.

As he reaches the top he briefly glimpses through the window a bedroom, with a cat sitting on the bed giving him a quizzical look.

I say 'briefly glimpses' because a second later there is a loud 'CRACK' as the rung he is standing on snaps cleanly through the middle. John plummets rapidly, each rung snapping cleanly as he hits them, like something out of a Looney Tunes cartoon. The sides of his hands gather a million splinters as they run down the sides of the ladder.

He hits the floor on his back and rolls away groaning, clutching his hands which are now 20% wood.

As he is laying there a car pulls up and a guy comes running over.

"What are you doing lying in my Garden mate? Are you alright?"

John slowly gets to his feet.

"I was checking your house, because there was a ladder going up to a window and someone reported it as suspicious!" John groaned.

"Oh no mate, that's just so my cat can get in, I haven't got a cat flap you see!" says the guy cheerfully.

"Are you not worried about getting burgled?" John whimpered.

"Nah" says the guy, "That's why I sawed half-way through each rung".
(stubbledchin, Mon 25 Jan 2010, 17:14, 2 replies)

Hahaha, I was already laughing, and the last line cracked me up :D
*clicks*
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 25 Jan 2010, 23:25, closed)

I guess
that fat guy really sucked. clicky - the whole bit about the ladder - priceless.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Tue 26 Jan 2010, 3:02, closed)