I was stalked once.
I was in a relationshit with a rather posh, rich and to be fair, a fairly attractive woman for several years. The relationshit was not perfect, I never really cared that much for her, but it had become routine I suppose. After a few years I had had enough of her selfishness and her fucking spoilt kids and I decided to end it.

Several months later I met my lovely partner, Mrs Hood-Butter, who I now live with and adore. In the early days of us being together, my ex heard about it and began sending me notes, texts and the occasional phone call. I completely ignored it as this woman was so up her own arse, she probably only wanted me back to score points. Why should I be lucky enough to find happiness and not her?

The ex then began a campaign to get me back. She even offered to sell her house, worth about three quaters of a million quid and buy me a house with a studio. Something she knew I had always wanted. No ammount of money would ever be enough to leave Mrs HB and she knew this, so she decided to start playing dirty. First she would ring me to ask where I had been whenever I went to stay with my new partner. Then, one night on my way home from work in London, I got a call from her, rather upset as she had got a letter from my ex telling her how we were still together and that we had been sleeping together behind her back. The damn woman seemed to know where I was all the time and had used this information to gain credibility too.

One evening, we were all (Me, Mrs HB and her two boys) sitting in the front room eating dinner when my ex appeared at the door. She walked right in, uninvited and started to blurt out more crap to try to split us up. She had told Mrs HB about all the imaginary times we had spent nights together, some of them were when I was not about but she dropped a clanger when she said that I had been with her the previous weekend, when we had been away together. I was quite relieved as I was getting concerned that it was only a matter of time before my lovely woman would begin to think there may be some truth behind it all. I slung her out of the house and told her never to return. The stalking continued until she realised that there was no way she would ever win, and a strong letter telling her that I would report this to the police and have her arrested. I honestly think that if it weren't for her mistake, she would have continued the stalking for who knows how long.

Mrs HB and I are still living together in a new house and I now have my own studio at the back of the house. It's actually one of the best production studios around. You can hear some of our work on our myspaz www.myspace.com/fasttracksstudios

The ex? She began dating some of my old friends, spouting crap about me and losing them very quickly as a result. I can only say that maybe I should have acted differently when I split with my ex, by lauching by boot up her clunge, hard, and repeated several times. I'm so lucky. Most women would not be too keen on my work. My ex was definately one of them and even managed to get me sacked from a well known London studio. I work in the music business, managing stages at rock festivals, I'm 55 soon and still play in bands and she wants to be a part of it. She now does the backstage catering while I'm running the stage. She never insists on turning the TV over when I'm watching Top Gear or The Gadget Show, or a good old filthy comedy as they are her favourite programmes too. She is even a b3tan and we run regular bashes together and she now supports my latest venture as a filthy mouthed stand up comic. How cool is that!?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:00, 8 replies)

that
is certainly very cool. good on you both.
( Kroney, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:28, closed)

relationshit?
Great new word!
(frankspencer, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:28, closed)

Good...
...to hear from you again Cap'n!

Keep that hood buttered.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:57, closed)

*click*
This was nice and upbeat :D
Any videos of said standing up?
(joepublic 's opinion does not represent that of the public, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 12:59, closed)

Good luck to you and yours.
Always nice to hear when stupid people get their comeupance. (is comeupance a word?)
( girlinthehole, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 13:15, closed)

BGB
Yes it is a word, indeed a rather fine one, but it has a double p, thus: comeuppance.

/pedantry
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 13:23, closed)

Yes, let's see the standup then?
Whack it up on YouTube!
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 15:44, closed)

I've always thought you had a habit of falling on your feet!
This truly confirms it.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 6 Feb 2008, 19:35, closed)