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This is a question Strange things you've been paid to do

I once spent two years being paid by the UK government to play Quake.

What's the strangest thing you've been paid to do?

(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 10:13)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Pig Porn
I had the uneviable task of shaving the gargantuan bollocks of a huge male pig before it fucked the arse end of some depraved old slapper.

Looks better apparently.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 10:17, Reply)
When I was starting
out as a runner, a friend called me to see if I wanted to help him out on a shoot he was doing. He being a camera man and all, I thought that it'd be an interesting job and said sure. I turned up at the location, a pub in central london, at 10pm to help out. Going upstairs it transpires that he was filming some T+A soft porn with Lindsey Dawn Mackensey and I was to be the guy that had to watch her.
If you have men and motors, they still play this 5 min clip of her rubbing her tits on a pool table and cut aways of my ugly mug staring at her.
Pay? Free beer from the pub all night.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 10:10, Reply)
A Nice One...
Jon Spencer was playing on the Jools Holland show some years ago, so the record co. sent an in-house engineer to check that it sounded ok, and me as his assistant.

so they played their soundcheck, eng. turns to me and says does it sound good to you?

so i said it sounds good to me

and we laughed cos thats what they paid us for. :)
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 9:50, Reply)
One i was paid for, one i paid for
Working in a shirt manufacturers, got to be the tailor's dummy for Pierce Brosnan's shirts for his Bond films.

Paid my mate £20 to shag a godawful pig girl as a bet.
Sneakily followed them back to his house to ensure he didn't con me. He started to chicken out with her, "losing" the condom i donated to him so he could escape, but she was having none of it. She grabbed him and basically took what she was after. I was outside the front of the house trying to keep quiet but failing when he started sobbing amongst her screams.
His only words the next day were "it was like fucking a suitcase" £20 well spent
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 9:46, Reply)
one for the (whelk) ladies....
I crushed whelks and measured their penises as a holiday job one summer at university. Sounds good, huh? The anti-fouling paint on boats interferes with their "schlong-growth", and makes the lady whelks grow them as well. Somebody should tell the Daily Mail our beaches are being overrun by weird transexual shellfish!!!
We had to use the "whelk penis index" to describe the size. Once you've consigned a thousand little snails to their doom, just for a glimpse of flesh, it ceases to be funny...
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 9:33, Reply)
I'm not sure if this
counts or not, but hey ho.

About two years ago I was in a pub with a mate one afternoon enjoying a couple of relaxing beverages. There was an old bloke sitting next to me at the bar who was absolutely off his tits.

This old chap decided to start talking to me, which I endured for about 10 minutes. During the course of the conversation, being a considerate chap like I am, I enquired as to how he was going to get home and where did he live etc.

After this short conversation he hoisted himself up, leaned on me, tucked £30 in my top pocket winked and said "See you in a few minutes then." before staggering out of the pub and off down the road.

Being the fine, upstanding person that I am, I of course had to go to his house and allow him to take me dry so many times that in the end my bleeding anus was providing its on lubrication.*

*Last paragraph may be a lie.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 9:29, Reply)
struggling mums and skin tight trousers
I used to work in a department store that was built over a duel carriageway. The book department was raised, with stairs at either end to accomodate said span-idge. Every Saturday I was paid to stand at the foot of the stairs, between the gents lavvie (lots of warm air) and the mother and baby room (sick and squits in equal measures) and help carry ladies wot had prams up and down the stairs. To cap it all off the uniform was bright green and the trousers on the vaccum sealed side of tight.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 9:28, Reply)
I used to work as a lovely sluttly lady on a txt chat service
And I was bloody good at it too.

And yes, I am a bloke.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 8:52, Reply)
Working as an Extra
The Mrs (then eight months preggers with our first) got a call from our landlord to work as an extra on a TV show -- they wanted her as a "mechanic" as they had hired 6 of his ancient cars and he needed a driver. I couldn't drive, but I put on my dad's wedding suit (the show was supposed to be taking place in the early 60s, my dad got married in '59) and went along for the ride.

Got to the site, director said he didn't need any more extras... but then looked at the suit with the moths flying out and grumpily sent me over to wardrobe. Wardrobe guy said with the campiest lisp I've ever heard, "But you're perfect!", gave me a corsage (we were wedding guests), and we went to sit in a church basement.

After four hours, we had a shot at the buffet for lunch. Was good, though the stars had eaten the best bits.

After two more hours we got rousted out and stood in the church for a while.

Then we went home. I made $150, the Mrs. made $220 (without ever having touched a car except for the drive over and back), and on the finished show, you can see me for 5 seconds, and a piece of her stomach for 3 seconds.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 7:15, Reply)
Armchair demolitions
A guy I knew in Timor told me a story about how he worked for a construction company in Australia: his job was 'supervise' an unsafe wall. It was the last remaining wall from a demolished property. He had a look at it and decided that there was nothing he could do to stop it from falling down if it was going to fall down. So he went home, got his armchair and used it prop up the wall. Then he sat in the armchair and worked on his tan.

My strangest job was PA to the founder of the Dangerous Sports Club. I had to categorise and file all his photos and correspondence. I remember going up to him with a picture of him with a cheap Thai whore and asking if it should go in 'Travel' or 'Recreation.'
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 6:18, Reply)
I had always wanted to model nude for an art class.
Finally I heard of a school in town that was seeking models, and I got paid $50 Canadian for each 3-hour session of standing nekkid in front of a half dozen strangers, changing poses periodically. I loved it, and was told I was their best model.

Better still, toward the end of the class I was required to lie down and look voluptuous for half an hour, and often I just fell asleep on a pile of pillows!
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 4:50, Reply)
After my high school graduation I was really drunk
And one of my friends paid me to kiss another one of my friends (you know 2 girls kissing is so attractive). Well, I kissed her, he never coughed up the cash, well he tried to pay me by taking money out of my purse to give to me, needless to say 3 years later I still haven't seen the $4 I was supposed to get,
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 3:41, Reply)
Shite job
Worked in video shop when I was sixteen, spent most of the time tripping on acid while trying to remember six digit codes. Most of the films ended up in the wrong boxes. To make me feel better I used to nick fifteen quid out of the till every night to buy a draw. Actually come to think of it, it wasn't that bad.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 0:41, Reply)
easy money
Back in late high school some underaged kid asked me to buy him a pack of smokes, so I pinched the money and walked off. I did that little shit a favour, not buying him cigs and all. Not really something paid to do, but paid to do but didn't and nicked the money anyways.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 0:06, Reply)
fish-eyed lens
I used to work in a fish-meal plant. Hardenned fish-eye-lenses would rain down from the roof like marbles all day long. The best part of my job was sweeping them up a couple of times a shift (imagine a factory floor covered in marbles... dangerous business), and taking them home by the sackful to throw at the flatties.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 0:02, Reply)
up with the paid video games
At the moment I am paid to play MSFS2004 for hours on end. Also BF1942.
Sucks to be me. Looking for a career change.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2004, 0:00, Reply)
They called it a job...
The strangest thing I was paid to do was work for a local phone repair company. The poor bastards paid me to shrink-wrap other employees cups, fart on my co-workers and call them cunts all day long.

They fired me after three months. Wonder why?
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 23:38, Reply)
I was given a £1 by some random bloke at school to go and get him a pizza slice from the cafe, when I got back he was gone. That was his "prank" he tells me a year later, I got a free pizza slice and he lost a pound...idiot.
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 23:19, Reply)
while working at a resort hotel
i was asked by one of the little old ladies staying at the hotel, if i could go buy her stool softener. she gave me a 20 and told me to keep the change.
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 23:12, Reply)
Spell-check Smith & Wesson
Double-action, centrefire pistol manuals.
"Only point the firearm at objects you wish to shoot."

or... at the moment I'm paid by LEGO to play.
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 23:08, Reply)
I arrive to work late..
spend most of the time playing games on my phone and listening to my walkman, then leave 20 minutes early each day.

Yep, there's certainly worse jobs than "working" for Royal Mail! :D
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 23:07, Reply)
nuts, sore fingers and free beers
on the first two days of my career at a food science lab in Norwich, i had to shell pistachio nuts (port health samples)..... and then they decided they could bung them through the industrial mincer for the same effect...a week before the fingers healed properly..
however this was compensated by my dept doing a project on ethyl carbonate in....BEER! 2 beer collecting trips (in Norwich and London), and as only 10ml was required as a sample, it seem a terrible waste to just pour the rest of the halfs away, so we didn't! yay free beers and travel expenses! God bless MAFF!!
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 23:06, Reply)
underwear model
the local lingerie shop wanted models to promote their stuff in a local chav disco. they chose me. 17, spotty pale teenager. 10 st, 6'2" with glasses. don't know if i increased their sales. suppose not.

100 deutschmark (30 quid) plus a bit of change and three condoms the chavs threw on the stage.

first post...
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 22:56, Reply)
Stranger Than........!
I was only young and worked in a pet shop,
This was way back in the day,
We used to import various creatures from various corners of the world.

Tortoises came in in what are now known as "Ali-Baba" whicker baskets......Lots of Tortoises...........Lots of dead ,crushed, shit on, pissed on, stinking............got the picture?
My Job? To sort the live ones out(about thirty %)

Wash ,Dry, and linseed oil the poor F'kin things and Then.......

Get hold of each leg and with a pair of Tweezers, remove the large ,Black, Tics which were in the sockets and then pull out the hooklike legs which had become detatched and dab the sore spots with a solution of Dettol.

Ahh, Happy Days.
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 22:45, Reply)
Not me but a co-worker
ate the entire contents of an ash tray for £80. Cue him throwing up, downing a pint to kill the taste of ash water and happy with his winnings. Crazy Fucker!!
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 22:31, Reply)
I spent a week at Erotica...
working as a bondage model. I was dressed in gimp mask and wore one of those leather harness things, I was kept in a cage and once every half hour my "misstress" would take me out and parade me around on lead. The money was good and you see some weird shit behind the scenes at an erotic show.
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 22:18, Reply)
I used to work on a 'concept evalutator' flight sim for a bunch of crazy psychologists
One day, they asked me to put some pictures in some new displays they were wrking on in the head down display....


...and Odin (the norse god of war and Knowledge)

Still... boggles... my... mind... paid... to ....????!!!! What?
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 22:12, Reply)
Was paid for not telling mummy what i caught daddy doing to the sheep...
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 21:54, Reply)
I got paid a quid to see if eyes can taste. They can't.
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 21:49, Reply)
I was paid to sing...
I ruined an opera, I did...
I'm so proud.

I also got paid by my mates to not wear my school tie for a week, and I'd only get paid if the teachers never noticed. I always get my money (even if it is somebody elses...)
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 21:49, Reply)

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