I was getting changed for swimming and two kids in the cubicle next to me were talking about the end of the world...
1: Did you know the sun's going to explode?

2: No.... When's that going to happen?

1: Oh, ages yet. About two or three hundred year's time.

2: Wow.... What're we going to do then?

1: Dunno. They'll probably make another one.

Fantastic.
( Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:35, Reply)

"Accidental paedophile sounding scary bad moments of embarrasment and shame."
I have two, both involving my 6 year old neice...

1) About a year back, my neice and I were sitting on the sofa, just playing in a normal friendly way like you do. I was poking my neice in the arm and then looking up etc etc. Well, somehow (i can't remember the exact workings of it), but it turned out her arm was magical. So anyway she's pretending to be sleeping, doing really obvious and eccentric snoring noises, so I go hehe, and poke her in the arm. Now, what happens? She runs up to my mum and said "Gwandma! Matthew touched me in my special place when I was sleeping".

Dear jesus. My mum was pissing herself, and so was I. Later on when she told my sister about it, my sister looked like she believed it for a second. The bitch...

2) This time was about 3 months ago, with the same neice. I was walking home from school, and i was walking on one side of the road. My neice and nephew were walking along the other side of the road, and i'd just met up with them (they went to the primary school). Now, my neice has this habit of pulling her trousers up to her armpits and tucking her jumper in. Not just her tshirt, her jumper too. "It keeps ma belly warm", I quote.

Anyway, she's walking along, looking like I just described. I'm walking with my friends, and I shouted across the road, perfectly innocently, "Izzie, pull your trousers down!". Everyone laughed. A lot. "No no no, i mean lower! Pull them lower! B-b-b-because they're high! Too high! N-n-not because they- ".

Arrgh! The shame!

Sorry about the length...
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:34, Reply)

FAT
Sitting in the outdoor cafe in Kenwood House, my very observant nephew turns to his mum and says loudly "mummy, why's that woman so fat?"
"Why mummy ?"
"why's she so fat?"
"mummy, why is she so fat?"
and so on, until my socks were full of piss
(dilettante, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:32, Reply)

Scarred for life
I overheard someone tell an American that when the Ice cream van plays the tune, he's all out of Ice cream.


Oh how they cried.
(AKismet, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:30, Reply)

Overheard in the queue at the baker's
Little boy (carrying a little toy cash register): Mum?
Mum: Yes?
Boy: Can you scratch my penis?
Mum: Put the cash register down and scratch it yourself.
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:30, Reply)

Needs to be said in a scouse accent
1. I was on the train from Bootle into Liverpool one evening about 10 years ago, and there were two 50-something women sat opposite me with very strong scouse accents. The first one asked the second one what she'd bought from 'Marksies' to which the second one replied, 'Are ay, I've bought some of that kwitchee (quiche)for our tea!'

2. Same journey, different day - three young lads were having a very serious discussion about the best way to commit suicide. It was all mundane stuff until one piped up, 'I'd chop me 'ead off wiv a samurai sword, cos they're the sharpest swords in the world so yer 'ead would come clean off like!'

3. Someone once overheard my mates reminiscing about their time at university in the Black Country. The earwigger in question then tapped one of them on the shoulder and said, 'A lot of my friends are from South Africa and I take great offence at the way you are talking their country.' The bloke looked a tad sheepish when my mate explained that the Black Country was just north of Birmingham.
(counterblast to agnosticism, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:28, Reply)

A conversation overheard in the pub...
...we were sitting happily munching our way through some non-descript burger in our local Pub chain when we overheard 3 old pissed blokes discussing politics and the second world war, when one of them turns to the others and says very matter of factly...

"Of course, if Hitler had won the war, we'd all be walking around on planks by now"

To which they all nodded sagely.
(Scribble, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:26, Reply)

On the DLR going through Canary Wharf station
I overhear 2 American tourists talking:

Female: "Ooh look Canary Wharf!" (pointing at station sign)
Male: "Yeah"
Female: "So what is Canary Wharf?"
Male: "I'm not really sure"
Female: "Is it like, a harbour?, or some kind of water thing?"
Male: "Yeah that's it"
(Mr_Bobbins, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:25, Reply)

arguements
when ever i go round my mates house or im in the car wit him and his mum he is usually pissed or hes been pissed the night b4 so an arguement allways kicks off about how he is allways gettin drunk. well anyways i just have to sit there and listen to them argueing as you can imagine this is hillarious because of the way he replies i just have to sit there and try to not burst out laughing because i would look rude. i never acctualy manage not to laugh. one time i acctually bit a large chunk out of my mouth trying not to laugh.
(fwack bang on it, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:22, Reply)

this happened at my old place of work
this chap had left his desk to go to the photocopier, and his phone was ringing, so my colleague answered it. as she held the phone to her ear, her eyes grew wider and her expression more shocked. eventually she managed to pluck up the courage to say "i think you want to speak to nick, he's at the photocopier."

turns out, it was good nick's wife. i'm not actually sure what was said, but i get the impression i wouldn't repeat it if i knew.
( spacefish bong!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:17, Reply)

my dad once burst into the kitchen saying:
'I've just been looking at the hinge mechanism on the freezer. It's a phenominal design!'

we just stared at him
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:15, Reply)

sheep
i have literally just returned from the work canteen to fetch a swig of water with the words 'fifteen sheep to every man on the island' ringing in my ears.
(bazmandublin, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:12, Reply)

Camping?
Due to being a poor student etc etc, i work part time at the large ASDA superstore near me. I work on the "seasonal" department - barbeques in the summer, christmas trees in the winter and so on.
Anyway, i was stacking away camping equipment onto some shelves with a female colleague when a rather irate looking gent walks in our direction. The said colleague proceeds to deal with the complaint made by said customer.
It turns out that he had wanted to buy a cheap tent to go camping in - he picked one off the shelf and paid for it, then straight from the shop went camping in North Wales (he had done some shopping for food too). Living in Portsmouth, this is obviously quite some way to travel without prior knowledge of your tent.

It turns out that this bloke had actually picked up a folding canvas CHAIR which had been put on the wrong space on the shelf, not even bothered to check the receipt due to his enthusiastic want of getting away, and gone all the way to North Wales with only a small camping chair to camp underneath!

I had to go round the corner to the next aisle due to a severe attack of laughter, the colleague followed me after dealing with the complaint and we couldn't stand up for laughing.

I'm just glad he didn't complain to me, would have laughed in his face!
( Goon, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:11, Reply)

In school a while back...
In physics lesson, we were being taught about properties of solids, and some guy pipes up "So does that mean jelly is elastic?".

teacher says, "Actually it's brittle."
Student "But doesn't it depend on what kind of jelly it is?"
Teacher "What other kinds of jelly are there?"

Clue class suddenly goes silent as always happens whenever someone says something amusing, a mate leans over to me and says quite loudly (note: all boys school)
"KY JELLY".
Class proceeds to piss themselves laughing.
(Lord Gibbon, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:10, Reply)

IMAX 3D
Young teenagers donned their 3D-specs and complained "I can't see anything in 3D"
( Frank Boff - wandering like a lost soul, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:07, Reply)

Stewing
Me and my then manager were talking, on the way back from the sandwich shop, about how we hate it when it's so hot that you can't sleep at night.

The snippit of conversation that the poor receptionist heard is marked in bold:

F (manager): Yes, well on evening I was sitting there on my leather sofa getting sweatier and sweatier so it felt like I was (open reception doors here) stewing in a pool of my own juices (exit reception here)and I got up and had a shower and put a fresh t-shirt on.

The poor receptionist... her face was an absolute picture.

PS Read the bold bit in a really loud voice, as F. is not the most quietly spoken guy in the world
(weedom, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:07, Reply)

When I was in Uni,
I went out with a Swedish bird. For nigh on 3 years I lived with her and her best mate (also Swedish). So being surrounded by them jabbering on in their native tongue pretty much 18 hours a day left me with a fair understanding of the language. It was good enough in fact to overhear conversations on the tube from people speaking Swedish to each other. I'd pick up pretty much all of the conversation, and I even managed to get a fair bit of the slang they were using.

Anyway, one evening on the DLR on my way home from the pub, I heard two Swedish ladies speaking in their mother tongue going on about what they'd been up to after the pub the previous evening. Obviously assuming that they couldn't be understood, their conversation gradually became more and more interesting as they were discussing the men they'd ventured home with.

Just as my stop was coming up, one of them mentioned something about how much the guy's "massive cock had hurt her" and I couldn't hold the laughter in any more. . .

They looked at me bemused, so I stood up, smiled, said "Jag pratar Svenska" (I speak Swedish) and got off the train. . .

:o)
(Highlander, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:07, Reply)

Another one that works best with a welsh accent...
8 yr old boy: "MISS! HE KICKED ME IN THE PENIS!"
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:04, Reply)

Odd Yorkshiremen!
In a pub toilet in Huddersfield years ago, when two men approaching pensionable age walk in.
They're totally silent for ages until one of them booms out,
"You can tell these lavatories were made between 1918 and 1922"
"Why's that then?"
There was a reasonable pause, and the other one said with alarming authority,
"Grouting.......second to none".

Luckily I had weeweed, so i just walked away giggling.
( mushybees NEBUSHI SHANGHUNG!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:04, Reply)

bunch of old welsh guys on the table next to me in a pub
"There isn't a law in this land that says you can't be naked in your own house..."

"i beg to differ! the RSPCA says it'll scare the cat!"

(best in strong welsh accents)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:03, Reply)

Two old blokes as I got off a bus in Edinburgh
All I caught was "...Aye, take a fiver and a Crunchie, but just give her the Crunchie - dinnae give her the fiver 'til after..."

I don't want to know.
(Shatner's Bassoon, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:50, Reply)

I was in
Mcdonalds in Regent street and I was standing in the que behind some old upper class granny. When asked what she would like she asked for a McMuffin at 3pm in the afternoon, the student behind the counter promptly explained that they only do Mcmuffins untill 10.30. To which the old timer replied "Oh well, just give me a McDonalds and chips then" - go back to your caviar twunt
(Retro Granny, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:42, Reply)

I was sitting upstairs on the pomcuter when the wife overheard me...
no doubt arseing about on this very site, when I raised myself off the seat slightly to let a subtle one out.

it rather unexpectedly shouted.

Wife, (downstairs) shouted up, "what is it!?" Poor cow. Thought I was shouting. Couldn't work out why I was just laughing. Never has.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:38, Reply)

Welsh
When in a Cardiff Club recently I was taking a leak next to two fairly drunk Welsh blokes who were nattering away about Wales, but didn't seem to know each other, when one said to the other -

1st Man "The way I see it, you're either frooooom the vaaahhhleees, or from roundabout"

2nd Man "aye...aye"

1st Man "Where you from then?"

2nd Man "I'm from roundabout, init"


Almost pissed on my shoe.
(Lordy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:36, Reply)

People in the office the other day:
"Who are you going to vote for in the Mayoral elections then?"
"Well, I dunno. There's so many of 'em"
"That Respect Coalition lot seem to have some sensible policies, I think I'll go for them!"
"Yeah? I might do as well then."

Respect's sensible policies for London: Tube open 24 hours a day, all fares £1 no matter how long the journey, free travelcards to all pensioners, disabled people, students, under 18s, the unemployed, while simultaneously expand bus and cycle routes. Plus abolish the Council Tax.

Where does the money come from to pay for all this? Precisely. Let's bankrupt the capital. Fucking trots.

At least it wasn't the BNP, UKIP or Tories, I suppose.

/aliddlebitofpoliticsladiesangennlemen
( TV's Nosemonkey, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:34, Reply)

Text sent to me in error
Sitting in the office one day clock watching when I received a text message. Looked at the number but did not recognise it, what the hell opened it up. This is how it read ‘Hey up big boy get your knob out’. Felt duty bound to phone the number and find out who was behind this. Turns out Jackie had meant to send it to her husband whose number was one digit different from mine. I told her not to worry as she had made my day. Colleagues at work did wonder why I was standing in the middle of the office with me knob out
(Begbie, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:30, Reply)

Late night tube out of London a few years ago...
the carriage is pretty empty, there's me, a woman facing me a set of seats down and two blokes off to my left. The blokes are pretty standard gruff West Ham supporters (for lack of a better term).

Anyway, at one of the stops the campest man in the world gets on. West Ham supporters recognise him, "Oi! [xxx] over here! What you been up to you old poof?" (or similar)

So all three guys are having a good old chat, our hero is telling all his latest adventures complete with suitable innuendo and hand waving. Then he moves on his past conquests.

Now, he never named names but mentioned a 'reasonably famous politician' and that he shagged some well-known union leader at a TUC conference, "Talk about a tight exit..." - or words to that effect.

I had tears in my eyes from trying not to laugh, and the woman opposite wasn't doing much better.
(codebunny, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:28, Reply)

Dumbass scally mum
At London Zoo a few years back a kid reads aloud the sign on the Giant Panda enclosure that says "Giant Panda".

His chav mum says, "I don't think that's a giant one. It doesn't look big enough. I think they're just saying it's a giant one."

Dumb fucking bitch, thinking she knows more than London Zoo but in fact she's as thick as shit!
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:26, Reply)

The other way around...
Similar, but me and my mates being overheard by others..

There were a few of us standing in a bar talking about my mates sisters rabbits and how often they shag, and how once the girl rabbit wasn't up for it but the male rabbit was mounting her relentlessly anyway... Just as a group of young ladies walks by my mate says in a really loud voice "WHAT?! HE FUCKING RAPED HER?!!" followed by us all nearly pissing ourselves laughing. I bet they didn't walk home alone that night...
(he who walks, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:24, Reply)

The solar eclipse of a couple of years ago:
Myself and a dozen or so cow orkers were out on the roof of our office in Bermondsey, watching the solar eclipse.

I worked with one sweet old dear who, at the point of greatest eclipse remarked: "Ooh, innit clever, how they do it?"

WTF!
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:23, Reply)