Cunnilingua
My friend often works late in his city job with one of the bigger banks.

One night he was coming back by tube - the only one in the carriage - when a large group of giggling Italian girls got on. They sat down and, with a few sideways glances, assumed it was a fair bet that this suited Englishman wouldn't speak their language.

Wrong. He's fluent, the talented git.

They then proceeded to have an increasingly graphic conversation about how their respective boyfriends were not satisfying them sufficiently in the bedroom department. My mate kept an admirably straight face as they bemoaned hygiene problems, shortness of length, lack of cunnilingus etc.

As the tube approached his stop, he stood up and cleared his throat. Just before he got off he said in mellifluous Italian tones,

"Ladies. I'm sorry to hear of your sexual dissatisfactions. Can I suggest a good heart to heart with your boyfriends or perhaps obtaining more talented partners?"

Apparently the look on their faces as the carriage pulled away was priceless.
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Einbahnstrasse
On my first trip to Germany I spent days marvelling at the fact that every town seemed to have at least a dozen streets named Einbahnstrasse. I though it must be very confusing for the Post Office, among others, until it was pointed out to me that it was German for One Way Street....

D'Oh! At least I was only there with a couple of mates and didn't make an arse of myself in front of anyone else.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 12:17, Reply)

Big Hats
When I was a kid, we went on a school trip to Westminster Abbey, where you can see the armour of Edward, the Black Prince. It consists of a huge padded chainmail tunic topped off with a frankly ostentatious helmet replete with jumping lion effigy on the top. All in menacing black.

Whilst looking at this, I heard two Merkin tourists behind me have the follwing exchange:

"Gee, it must have been awfully hot in summertime..."
"Yeah. Especially in that hat."

Also, I went to college in York, and got asked by another Merkin tourist where the Minster was. Which would have been fine but we were standing not 10 yards from it, and it's really a difficult building to miss.
(vertigo, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 12:06, Reply)

norteameicanos ......
was in Leicestershire (pr : Less-ter-shiyah)once when an American asked me how far it was to LOWBROW ...... yup . you guessed it .....
(Nick R Hill-Astick, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 12:04, Reply)

While travelling around Oz
me and the missus were staying in Canberra. In the same hostel there was a Chinese guy who obvously hadn't come across a potato before and seemed unsure of the best way to cook it. He'd got the biggest baking potatoe I'd ever seen, seriously it was a monster, and was trying to boil it whole in a saucepan. I swear he was in there for hours, every so often prodding it to see if was done and replacing the water that had boild away. Poor chap, I bet he was well hungry by the time it was cooked.

Also while in Cape Trib there were a group of Swiss (I think) guys trying for ages to cook spagetti hoops by putting the opened can in a pan of boiling water. I mean why? just empty the contents into the pan for gods sake.
There are really big spiders in Cape Trib.
(Mr. Partyhat, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 12:02, Reply)

My sister
During a road trip in California a few years ago, my sister came out with the following gems.

(On seeing a sign with the emergency phone number): This town has 911 people.

(On seeing a sign showing the name of the company that sponsored that section of the road - you know, for litter-picking and stuff): This town is called Birkenstock.

(On seeing a sign for Sausalito): Is Sausalito a type of sausage?

(On seeing the forest fires on telly): Don't the forests look pretty? (Pause) Apart from being on fire.
(Pachey, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 12:01, Reply)

Divs
First post so I`d better make it good. Whilst walking through London I stopped at a set of traffic lights to cross the road, next to me there was an american couple having a heated debate about the age of the building on the other side of the road. There was a cornerstone on the building that read 1787, the wife pointed this out and the bloke went "Naaah, gotta be a typo" I`d like to think that this was his idea of humour, but unfortunately I think I`d be wrong.
(Lowlife, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:59, Reply)

In Paris
I was waiting in a queue at Notredame with my girlfriend. At the head of the queue was the sign showing the way to climb the towers (obviously "tours" in French).

Cue fat Merkin ahead of me suddenly noticing the sign and shouting to his wife - "Tour? we don't need no tour." and wandering off...

Oh how i laughed.
(French Toast, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:54, Reply)

Racism? In the USA?? never....
I was a tourist in the States and could be forgiven for opening my gob in this instance. A Merkin man of Scottish descent, accompanied by a Mexican woman and a man of native American descent (I was staying with the former)....all sitting drinking talking of the filthy niggers and such like moving into the neighbourhood....when asked my opinion, I said I was shocked and how would they like to be called a Jock, a Spick or a Red Indian? I did not stay with the family too much longer and was complained about to my parents! Stupid tourist i was!!
(essbeenz there done that, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:50, Reply)

Right...I get it.....damn the hidden dangers of text.
Apologies Hunyaga. I get it now.

Crown the twat. Go on, get it out of your systems.
(kyouraku, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:48, Reply)

STOOOPID TOURIST...
...was me. When at colege, we stayed just outside Rome in a hotel, with an Italian geezer who every morning would pour tea if you asked for coffee, and vice versa. All week he never said a word, despite attempts to speak English and Italian to him. Every morning, the wrong drink still poured.
On the last day, as we were leaving, he walked past the group and said: "See you later me old muckers. Have a good trip home." He was a cockney.
I wish I'd realised at the time, and not after arriving home, that he said that to us as he walked past wearing my rather expensive leather jacket.
Muddy Funster.
(Milkmelikeacow, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:46, Reply)

tommyhaych - haggis
Not quite 60% but still fairly stupid:

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/3240190.stm
(smuj83, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:41, Reply)

Living in America.
I once had the misfortune of spending my teen years in an American high school where ultimate frisbee was a team sport. Panzies. I guess that would make me the stupid tourist, or so you would think. The best thing that amazed me was the Yank inablility to detect irony and/or sarcasm. Picture the scene if you will... We had spent 6 months in a physics class constructing a radio controlled aeroplane, that meant 6 months of me burning, bending and smelling just burnt and bent perspex. Hmmm nice. The end result was a technological advance our school had never seen before despite the fact we were two mins down the road from Bill Gates old high school, Lakeside High. Imagine everyones excitement when said finished product was taken out to the sports field for it's maiden flight. The engine was started and revved up, it sort of sounded like a cross between a black and decker garden strimmer and a rabid mosquito. And it was off tearing across the sun burned, arrid grass of our field. 5,10,20,30,60 seconds passed and still the product of our sweat, blood and tears would not get airborne. All we had was this device that made the noise of a rabid mosquito and kicked up a lot dust. After 5 mins watching this piss of shit zip about erratically around our playing field in every direction, I said dryly and sarcastically as any British person could 'Take the wings off it might go faster'. This sarcasm went right over my classmates head and his response to this was 'Then it won't fly stupid'. I didn't know wheter to laugh or cry. I sort of sympathise with the two fellas who went mental at Columbine now.

Also has someone ask me what language we spoke in England. My repsonse of Japanese was taken seriously.
(TwoLeftFlipFlops, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:34, Reply)

Stupid tourist in my home country!
Flew back to England last week after 6 years in California. As my cellphone won't work here, I had to call my mum from a phone booth to let her know I'd landed at Heathrow. Took about 5 minutes before I remembered the phone wouldn't take quarters.
As I had 4 hours to wait at Kings Cross for my train to Hell, I popped into a bar (Coopers, nice place) and tried paying with dollars.

On a stupid Merkin note, my husbands mom called him last Thursday and told him to tell me to get out of England as it wasn't safe.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:30, Reply)

Worcesestestersestershire
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal)

As Hotdog said it's "Bister". Does anyone know how we came to have such bizarrely pronounced place names with silent bits in the middle? e.g., Leicester, Worcester, Bicester (and the one that confused me for absolutely ages) Towcester.
(flimflam_machine, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:14, Reply)

While in Florence a few years ago ....
one fat American came into a Cafe/Bar and said "Do you have any Phone Cards?" where upon the man behind the counter, being Italian and speaking mostly the Italian language, shrugged his shoulders and indicated that he didn't understand. The fat American then proceeded to say much slower and in a much louder voice "PHONE CARD". Italian shrugs again. Our fat American then wanders off frustrated with the fact that these Itialians don't understand her language. The Italian man grins at his mate, pisses himself laughing and says "stupid Americans!" in perfect english. I love Italians.
(Badabing, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 11:10, Reply)

Winky Wanky Woo
Youngish Mrrcan tourist stood next to me in small crowd drinking outside London pub. All typical characteristics present and correct. Regulation national dress of baseball cap, checked shirt over t-shirt, long shorts, trainers & white socks.

Overheard me using the word "wank" and blared in my ear (interrupting a private conversation, naturally) the fact that he hadn't heard that word before, was it an English word?

Why yes, my friend, I kindly explained. It certainly is. Basically, it means fun. You'll hear it quite a lot in London England, in various forms. I helpfully offered him the following examples -

Wanking - enjoying one's self
Wanker - a "fun" guy
Bunch of wankers - a group of the above
Having a wank - having a laugh

Feeling slightly self-satisfied, I'll confess, I went back to my pint and thought little more of it. However within no more than two minutes he headed over to a group of roaring drunk barechested English lagerboys and waded straight into whatever joke they were sharing. Realising what I'd done, I put down my drink, grabbed the missus and made a swift exit. All I heard behind me as we hurried down the street was -

"Hey, you sure sound like you're a bunch of wankers."
"What? What the fuck did you say?"
"Hey sorry buddy, aren't we all just having a wank here?"

The rest was drowned out by shouting and a plaintive yell...
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:59, Reply)

Where y'all from then ?
After several replies of "Where the f**k's that then?" I changed my standard reply to:
"Belgium, Belgium is a small country between France and Holland".
Didn't stop this happening:

Me: "Belgium, its a small country ....."
Him: "I know Belgium. Belgium is the capital of Amsterdam and there is a castle there".
Turns out he knew this to be a fact as his brother was stationed there with the US military (place called Munich!!!).

Ahh Munich.
My Dad on a plane before the demise of the Berlin Wall. Passenger in the next seat:
"aaam from Texaaas. 'going to a John Deere tractor convention in Munich - Munich is in Germany (/doh). The bit of Germany that belongs to the US of A.

I love 'em
(Plan_B, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:59, Reply)

Pizza place
My extremely Scottish mate was trying to order a pizza in Florida.

"Cheese and tomato pizza please"
"Pardon"
"Cheese and tomato pizza please"
"What?"
"Cheese. And. Tomato. Pizza. Please."
"Oh sorry, I couldn't understand your English accent."

Apparently his dad had to drag him out of there otherwise there would've been a 'diplomatic incident'
( Theoban What of it, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:40, Reply)

More Mericans
I'm an ex-pat brit who lives in wonderful Amsterdam, and once in a while a tourist may request assistance from a passer by. Now most good tourists will politely ask "Do you speak English? to which I have the textbook reply "Yeah mate - like a fucking native!" Some laugh. Some walk on and ask the next person, not having understood my whimsical retort.

But one thing that does fuck me off, even as a foreigner myself, is people who just assume you speak their lingo - and it is not just Mercans either - Germans are very guilty of it here, and if anyomne dares just babble on in their own language I take great joy from answering them in Dutch - upon the final "Do you speak English?" The above native line gets quite a lot of embellishment and a standard introduction to diplomacy, ettiquette and politeness when visiting a foreign country. Makes no friends, but if I can start a trend.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:30, Reply)

Captain's Log
Whilst working for a Large American Bank a few years ago we were sent to work in the Paris office, staying at a rather plush 5-star hotel right opposite the Louvre. My colleague, whose French extended as far as 'Monsieur, wiz zis Ferrro Rocher, you are rrreally spoiling u-h-s', had managed to block his toilet one morning with a caber-sized log.

After a moment of panic, he spotted the maid coming along the corridor so he 'motioned' for her to venture into his bathroom.

As they stood there in silence, he lifted the lid to indicate the source of the blockage, and confidently pushed the lever on top of the toilet.

He looked across at the maid, then glanced down at the pan. One double take later, he froze in horror as the caber whirled merrily down the ubend to join his chums in the Paris sewer.

The maid just left politely, muttering to herself.....

"It's not really about the length, but the girth certainly deserves a mention"
(BeatsWork, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:29, Reply)

Funny business
I used to work as a tour guide in Cambridge, ferrying busloads of happy tourists round the town... Every now and then the bus would be invaded by bunches of morbidly fat, sweaty, rude, loudmouthed ignorami whose only interest was in the location of McDonalds.


American? No, Spanish! Always Spanish. The Americans, though comically ignorant/stupid, tended to be quiet, polite and unfailingly grateful for the information I passed on.

Funny thing was, Cambridge didn't have a McDonalds at that point - the planners wouldn't let one in the town!
( dr_fonz, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:28, Reply)

Bad planning
Similar to the Edinburgh castle story earlier, my taxi driver told me this story about 2 American passengers he drove to Heathrow the previous day. Nearing the airport on the M4 they asked which castle they could see. The driver replied 'that's Windsor castle, where the Queen lives'. 'Oh, really', said the tourist, 'it seems a shame they built it so close to the motorway'. Perfect!
(flossiethesheep, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:25, Reply)

An Englishman defending Merkins!
It is often quoted that only 10-20% of Merkins hold passports, but if you think about it, to actually get out of the US is just as expensive as it is for us to go over there. In other words, they don't have Spain and France on their doorstep and certainly couldn't get £30 flights. I know many intelligent, well-travelled Merkins who take great pleasure in being able to use both the metric system and words like "snazzy".

That said...

I had the great pleasure of sharing a table in a restaurant with a Merkin who ordered the palace. (He meant plaice). Full marks to the other Merkin sitting with us, however, who commented "I think that may be a little on the *large* side".

I was also somewhat mystified when a Merkin colleague remarked with a sneer that "Britain is full of Indians". I retorted that Illinois (where he lived) seemed to be full of Mexicans. He seemed genuinely hurt, and didn't appreciate my ironic sentiment at all.

My girlfriend has the best story, though. When visiting one of the southern states on holiday with her Dad, a local asked whether we had cars in England. They honestly thought we used horse-and-carriage to get around.

I can sympathise with the mispronounced place names, but some things just amount to *common sense*, surely?
(noir, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:21, Reply)

Small World
Was on the flight from Los Angeles back to Sydney. About 2 hours into the flight, nearby middle aged American gent was getting quite agitated. He eventually called the hostie (sorry, cabin attendant) and demanded to know when we were landing. She politely told him it would be about another 13 hours, and he promptly starts abusing her for telling lies as "nothing was that far away!"
(Big A, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 10:06, Reply)

Kind of the reverse
My sister and I were in a taxi in Las Vegas. The driver asked us where we were from and I said I lived in Leeds. He said he could tell by my accent, just as he could tell that my sister is from Kent.

We are both from Surrey.
(Pachey, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 9:49, Reply)

c0mput3r g8m35 t0ur157s
M1 d8d came int0 m1 r00morxx wh1l57 1 wa5 play1ng EQ, me an tehguyz h8d been flaming a n00b. He l00ked atteh mo|-|itor & sed "What does 'powned' mean?" POWNED??? WTF??? LOL!!!!111!oneoneeleven. N00b!!!!one
(lemonymillenniumbaboon, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 9:40, Reply)

I live near a small australian town called loogabarooga
I keep getting English tourists asking the way to "luffburruh". sheesh.
(teasus likes tea, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 8:35, Reply)

Merkin in Tyneside
Sitting in the Marsden Rattler, an old train carraige turned into a pub with ex-gf many years ago.

Pompous Merkin was telling his Geordie gf about his new running shoes. This conversation went on for a number of minutes. Quotes from the abridged version...

"The company is actually called Ni-Kay...

The are a totally new experience in running shoe technology"

Laugh, I had to bury my face in my gf's neck, a few snorts still managed to slip out and I'm sure my gf wet herself, we were both shaking like epileptics at an Iron Maiden concert.

In the end we had to leave. His gf must have heard us as we were only three seats away. She did have the good grace to look really embarrased.

______________________

Is the thing with Merkins something to do with their rudeness, arrogance and complete lack of self awareness ?
(Yellow Car is now red, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 8:31, Reply)