I used to live in Torquay
which has a massive influx of EFL language students every summer - thousands of them. They fill up all the pavements and no-one can get through the clog of babbling teenage scum. Apparently they don't learn the meaning of "excuse me" until week 23...

Being 6ft and 15 stone has its advantages. I used to just walk through, barging the little buggers everywhere with my kids following behind, and a small crowd of normal people following - like a sort of human icebreaker.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Further tales from the Capital of Shortbread
I was asked where the Baal-moral (Balmoral)Hotel was once. American

Listened to a couple on the train talk about "Lotch La Mond" (Loch lomond). American

Two people complain that "no one here speaks english" whilst in France - 1 Englishman & years later, 1 Scotsman (my Father in Law)- I explained "they have their own Bomb, they dont need to speak english."

I have been asked, whilst on the main till of Watersones Bookshop 13-14 Princes St, Edinburgh, for 2 tickets for the Kyle of Lochalsch Ferry - by an Italian lady wearing a full length fur coat in July in Edinburgh; you are more likely to get rained on than die of exposure. Anyway "Fur is Murder".

In a similar vein, watching tourist melt in the summer heat, wearing jeans, Timberland boots, and a Puffa Jacket marching round hilly Edinburgh, whilst the local denizens are in shorts and a "wife beater" (white sleeve-less T Shirts to show their pale tattooed arms)

Being at the very front of the orderly que for the Military Tattoo, in Edinburgh Castle, just after the 1st Gulf War (tons of armed soldiers on security) and watching this tourist forceably pushed me, the wife and a pretty female military policewoman, who fell, out of the way to be first to get in. Which he was, right up to the point 4 huge squadies bundled him to the ground and kicked the fuck out of him behind the ticket booth - probably German.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We won the war! Not you!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Stupid at tourists
Quite a few years ago myself and a few mates were standing in the playground one morning at school when a large bus turned up. One of my friends informed the rest of us that is was the German exchange students. I decided it would be a brilliant idea for us to give them a warm North East welcome so turned to a not so bright friend and dared him to ask them all 'Hoo vun ze vor?'.

He laughed and shook his head, replying 'Nah, it probably means fuck off in german or something.'

Genius.

Even more genius is it took repeating the phrase four more times until he caught up.

He's probably dead now.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:16, Reply)

Kensington Palace
And the husband and I are looking at the Queen's big coronation gown. It's embroidered with all sorts of symbols representing the Commonwealth, with a big fuck off ER on the front.

A couple of Merrycan law students are standing by and ask us what the ER means, because it's on postboxes and everything all over London. We explain it stands for Elizabeth Regina, meaning she reigns, she is queen.

"Ooohhhhhhhhh," they say, tons of pennies dropping. "We kept seeing Regina in our law books, like Regina vs Whoever. It means the Crown! We were thinking this Regina must be a really bad person!"

Ah yes. Their parents' money hard at work at an Ivy League college.
( HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:16, Reply)

Dumb Ass tourists
When I worked for Waterstones I was once asked for any local history books on "Ire-Land" by this female,middle aged american tourist.
"We dont have any" I replied
"Why not?"
"This is Edinburgh, not Ireland"
"I didn't say Island. I said Ire-land"
"I know, however you may find something in the european history section on the first floor" I said pointing to the escalator.
"You mean the 2nd floor?"
"Upstairs" I say with the falsest smile I could muster.
Ignorant bastards like that shouldn't be allowed to leave their country. These are the people who "video-ed" the castle from Princes St. Why? It doesnt fucking move, why video tape it. They also thought the Highlands were the more elevated bits of town. How did these people reach adulthood without being killed through their own stupidity?
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:11, Reply)

I'm Stupid...
..While in Prague last year I was pushed and scowled at by a very eastern european looking lady, I stared blankly at her and said;
"Cheer up love, it may never happen."
To which she turned around and said sarcastically in a broad yorkshire accent;
"Will it not?"

I shy'd away and hid behind my insane sister, hoping she would break the tension for me.

Edit: We had some female american exchange students at our school who decided to use a PC next to me in an IT lesson, one of them had opened Word and was sitting giggling, the others grew curious and she said "They use centimetres here!"... I just died a little inside, I truely did.
(Vikingheadache, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:06, Reply)

Do I get points for being a clever foreigner?
I was in the Greyhound terminal in Pittsburgh, and I was heading for Minneapolis.

Now, it does'nt matter how slowly I speak, I'm from Morecambe Bay and therefore have a Northern English accent as thick as a whale's knob.

When I asked the unsmiling lady for a ticket she looked at me with incomprehension so I asked again, in the best cut glass I could muster, for "a ticket to Minneapolis."

Then she told me, in her best speaking to retards voice, that Minneapolis is a state and I need to tell her which city I wanted to go to.

Her supervisor was on hand, fortuitously. Sorry Mercans. Love your country, love most of you but could you raise the standards a little please?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:04, Reply)

Not exactly a tourist
When I was doing my A-levels we had an absolute twunt of a teacher from Bavaria. This guy looked like Gollum, wore sandals all year round and had no formal German teaching qualifications. His answer to everything was to touch his index finger to his bottom lip and say "Ah ja." Anyway, his grasp of English slang was nonexistent, and like I said the guy was an arrogant, unprofessional twunt (he used to make personal comments about students to other students, talk about his sex life in class in far too much detail, and stuff like that).

One day in lower sixth we went to London for a conference thing, and because his geography was as crap as his teaching skills, ran from Russell Square to St Pancras just in time to see our train leaving. Realising it'd take even longer to get home now, we were not happy.

A short while into a conversation with him about nothing in particular, he asked the question "What is the English word for music like Andy Williams from the 60s and 70s, for older people?" To his eternal credit the guy I did German with pondered this for a moment, and then with all sincerity informed him the word he was looking for was "shite".

"Ah ja."

By all accounts he went up to our headmaster the next day, and informed him that "in Germany, we listen to a lot of shite".

We got bollocked, but it was so very worth it.
( Maladicta, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:03, Reply)

Americans?!
What more is there to say?!
(Bobwithbitchtits, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:59, Reply)

Student Days
Not so much a tourist, but rather a new student in the U.S., from the Shah's Iran, back in 1976....

After introductions, he asked in almost perfect, accentless English, "Please, this is my first day in America...can you tell me all the English slang words for female genitals?" Surprised, I rattled off as many as I could think of. He then said, "I know those words already. Don't you know any more?"

I couldn't think of a single one.

He always blamed his accent for failing to score with American chicks, even while his unintelligible Iranian compatriots were lost in forbidden, orgiastic delights. I wonder what he's doing these days? Probably running a Revolutionary Committee or other, slapping the wrists of chador-clad temptresses...
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:57, Reply)

Again with the York Minster
When I was a smidge younger my parents took us on a trip to York Minster. I don't know if they still have them but back then, so you didn't strain your neck looking at the ceiling, they had mirrored tables.

Being the comedy child I was I looked at the table and exclaimed 'Cor, its a long way down.' Two old ladies on the other side started laughing.

I started to walk away, proud of my excellent gag when one of them, totally seriously, said through the laughter 'It's not down dear! It's up!' Pointing at the ceiling to prove her point.

I smiled politely and made it far enough away so that my laughter wasn't directly in their faces.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:55, Reply)

Tourists
I go to uni in Canterbury so if I'm in town hardly a day goes by without having to fight my way through hordes of French schoolkids here to see the cathedral and so on. They have a habit of insulting people loudly in French (or at least the ones I've come into contact with do). And so, as my degree is meant to be in French, I figure there's no better opportunity to inform them some English do actually understand them. Aside from that they have been known to go into the gift shops round about and go "Oh, they have marbles here too..." and suchlike. They normally have questionnaires to fill in too, so my friends and I take great pride in giving them completely wrong answers like "When was the cathedral built? - 1972" and so on.
Then again if I'm short of money next term I could make a few quid from it...
( Maladicta, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:48, Reply)

Meanwhile in sunny Croydon...
Years ago, an American (heh, anyone spot the theme..?) couple asked me where the centre of Croydon was.

Yeah, you guessed it, we were quite obviously bang in the middle of the place.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:43, Reply)

I've got loads of these
but a favourite was when working on a cruise ship full of Americans which meant you had to be super-polite to everyone, despite being exposed to the extremes of human stupidity. One particularly backward example asked me where I was from. I tensed up and got ready for the 20 minute explanation of where Blackpool was, praying that the guy knew what an England was. Remarkably he replied "I know Blackpool, sure. Matter of fact I was on vacation near there not too long ago."

"Really?. Whereabouts?"

"Wales"
( routine has perfected burgers, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:41, Reply)

Walking around Oxford
Overheard some Americans discussing FCUK. Now, we all kno wwhat word that looks like, we all get the joke. Being from America (I'm guessing they don't have this brand there) they didn't know about it, and the three of them all read it as "fuck". You know when people realise they thought something dirty while looking at something innocent? Usually these people shut up and look sheepish. Americans are loud. Americans speak their minds. I'm sure you can all imagine the humour of the situation.

"Oh, but of course, it means French Connection! French Connection United Kingdom"

I'm suprised they didn't think it meant French Connection Great Britain
( Styxx hates when people talk in the third person, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:40, Reply)

More York Minster
Standing right next to the minster... the tallest, most imposing building in the city.
A pair of americans walk up to me "Gee... Can you Help Us . We're lost. Wheres this Minster... Y'know the big old church?"
I look upwards as the big chuchy building and walk away.
Bah
(The Man Who Can, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:38, Reply)

In Whitehall
A german couple asked me "Does ze bus number elf stop here"

Luckily my rudimentary knowledge of German enabled me to work out they wanted the 11.

Apologies for lack of length, but its been a damned cold summer
(gpl, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:36, Reply)

York Minster
I was walking home past York Minster where I overheard the father of an American family say "Is that it? It ain't that impressive".

I felt like shouting back at them "You would give your f**king right arm to have something like that in America".
(Grundie, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:31, Reply)

Being Bilingual
rocks.

Sit on a bus in London, listen to Swedish people speak of veneral diseases, who they shagged and taking the piss out of the people around them, blissfully unaware that someone is listening to every word.

Even better to loudly translate everything they're saying to your mates and then watch their expressions as they realise what you're doing.

Endless amusement.
(Squash, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:28, Reply)

Made me laugh.
Stratford upon avon. Shakespeare's birthplace. In the guest room. Two Canadian women. "We came all this way for this?"
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:19, Reply)

Confusing English Names
I was walking around south west london (putney) and got approached by a random aussie to be asked - did I know where the underland station was? I was quick to correct her, but burst out laughing when she turned round. Not v. stupid - quite easy to get wrong actually!
(PixelGirl unlock the mind...unmind the lock, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:14, Reply)

Geography
I was on a train from London to Leeds when I overheard some american ladies who were scrutinising their UK Guidebooks with some consternation. They were clearly just coming to the realisation that the famous castle they were travelling to see was actually in Kent.
( corrundum, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 22:13, Reply)

saw it on a late night program about american tourists in loud shirts
"I'm going to..." (hesitates) "...to..." (looks at fat wife) "...Loogie Baroogie?"

The bemused interviewer scratches his head for a little while before he catches on.

"Loughborough." Brilliant.
( gravytrain, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 21:53, Reply)

"Mooooooom!"
National History Museum, London. A heffing big Mom, her nerdy husband and two kids were looking at the huge dinosaur skeleton in the foyer. The kid's there, tugging at his mother's leg, going "Mooooooooom" (which was driving me insane, might I add), but just before I was going to clip the little get, the mother goes "What, Jimbob?!". Yep, I thought that name was folklore too. Me and my mate pissed ourselves laughing, until the now-immortal line was uttered by Jimbob himself...

..."I think I tooted."

Cue the first, and only, literal ROFL I've done.
( TGP on the rock 'n' roll, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 21:47, Reply)

bloody foreigners
my friends went to france by car last summer, as they were driving down the motorway they approach a toll booth and so wound down the window in peperation to pay, as the car pulled into the booth they realise the wrong window was wound down as the french drive on the otherside of the road to the english, when the drivier realised this mistake he tutted and said 'bloody foreigners' as he wound down the other window to pay. it was only when he drove off that his friend pointed out that they were in fact the forigners and therefore the stupid tourists
(anon., Thu 7 Jul 2005, 21:38, Reply)

And one more.
My Girlfriend and I were on a Holland America cruise, and one day we got onto an elevator and were greeted by several old women. The women then promptly started a conversation amongst themselves about Dutch cities (you see, i'm half dutch, and a Dutch citizen, so I was intrigued.). "Let's see, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Westerdam (the Ship's Name), do all Dutch Cities end in Dam?" I then responded to their question going "No, actually..." and rattled off a bunch of Dutch City names that do not end in Dam.
(Boomtown Rat, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 21:35, Reply)

Americans
(Note: Yes, I'm an American) I was waiting in the Air New Zealand/ Virgin Atlantic terminal at LAX on my way to NZ. I all of a sudden heard this yelling, and turned to look at the source.

What I found was the reason why Americans are hated overseas. This man was overweight, he had his obvious beer belly, and he was wearing a Chicago Bears hat. He was shouting "Fosters is Australian for Beer? Well give me Another!"
(Boomtown Rat, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 21:23, Reply)

Well, not "stupid"...
But it annoyed the flucknuts outta me anyway.

I was wandering around Trafalgar Sq. during the Gay Pride festival, and was shoved by an American family, the presumed father of the group going "And if ya get lost, meet by the... Trafalgar... thing." pointing to Nelson's Column.

"Trafalgar thing"?! Fools! Don't they have tour guides for that sorta thing?!
(Deathway, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 21:12, Reply)

Overheard in Venice
St Mark's Square, loud American "Ivy League" type; lanky, whiny, superior-sounding:

"There isn't rilly any good restaurant in Venice. It's kinda like Paris, in that respect."

MacDonalds 200 yards that way, you ignorant prick.
(simon shitting mason, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 21:09, Reply)

American
tourist, recently overheard at the Colosseum: 'huh, dunno what the fuss is, I seen bigger stadiums than this'.

Miss. The. Point.
(jambler, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 21:08, Reply)