Happy Fucking Birthday, Widow.
I hate buying birthday cards, I hate the crappy designs, the inflated prices for a bit of folded paper and the 'joke's or, worse, the second hand sentiments from the Hallmark Sweatshop of Platitudes. I don't get many cards myself, largely because I rarely send them, and that's fine by me. But a few years ago, I'd made friends with a female colleague, i'd known her about 10 months and she invited me to the pub with her and her mother for her mother's birthday. I liked her Mum, so was happy to say yes. I nipped out in my lunchtime to get a card. It didn't take me long to get fed up looking at the rows and rows of innappropriate sex and fart jokes or too sentimental for 'the mother of a friend' cards. I finally saw one that had a 'as vaguely amusing as these things get' joke, paid and headed out of the shop.

Later, we're in the pub and I pull the card out of my bag and hand it to the birthday woman with a smile and a 'Have a lovely birthday' and as I do so, I start to get a sinking feeling as I realise the card I have just handed to this woman, this lonely, 3 months a widow after losing her huband to cancer woman. This woman who is having the first birthday she has had since the tragic loss of the man she had spent 30 years with...this card I have just handed to her has on the front a black and white picture of three women sitting round a table clearly animatedly talking, and one man, laying with his head on his arms on the table. Underneath the image are the words

'The women had been talking for so long they hadn't noticed Jean's Husband had passed away three hours ago'.


Happy Fucking Birthday indeed.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:01, 30 replies)

Hahahaha...
I'm also not one for cards, but actually got 3 (or maybe 4) on my recent birthday...and all of them were fart joke ones.

Mind you, after a night on the Guinness, my arse is like a WMD :)

Have a click.
( snee held his breath since, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:05, closed)

Hi Paul from (near) Cambridge in the UK, are you still having sex with underage children?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:20, closed)

talking of underage children
it really is time I put you on ignore.
(username failed moderation, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:22, closed)

The ignore function
is God's way of letting us flounce without leaving.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:30, closed)

I didn't hear
that!!
(username failed moderation, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:34, closed)

LOOKATMEEVERYBODYBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGIMFUCKINGIGNORINGYOUBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGLOOKATMEEVERYBODY

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:34, closed)

I'm not sure what the psychology of this is
but I see most of your posts as being exactly that.

Attention seeking trolls really aren't very interesting. You can usually get a reaction from them though, so thanks for that.
(username failed moderation, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:16, closed)

Never have, never will

( snee held his breath since, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:34, closed)

It's ok, you're not under caution (this time), don't you like to boast about having sex with underage children of your partners?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:36, closed)

Awww, you're so sweet
(twat)
( snee held his breath since, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:45, closed)

No the ignore function
Is to silence annoying cunts like Rory Lyon
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:46, closed)

You're right

( snee held his breath since, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:47, closed)

NONCE!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:13, closed)

You're heading in just the right direction
for a stern ignoring, sunny jim. If they have to tell you Just One More time, they'll probably pull this website over.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Wed 9 Nov 2011, 11:48, closed)

Rory Lyon
No Nonce sense
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 12:29, closed)

Under-age children?
Surely they're just children?
(CheeseyPeas, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:13, closed)

Yes, children to you
slabs of meat to Snee
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:16, closed)

Or perhaps an under-age child is a foetus?
(CheeseyPeas, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:16, closed)

Or maybe not even that
Maybe an ovum will do. Basically, he's been accused of shagging someone whilst they're on the blob.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:24, closed)

If that's the new definition of deviant/paedo, I think a few of us, I mean you lot might be in trouble.
(CheeseyPeas, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:41, closed)

When I was 9, I had a cat.
My Grandmother found a card with a cat on it for my birthday, and was very pleased with herself.

I don't remember the words, but it was to the effect that I should get myself round there and stroke her pussy.
(username failed moderation, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:16, closed)

Did you?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:26, closed)

^^ What Baron Von Mincehousen said ^^
Also did you wear your lucky blue coat?
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:44, closed)

Bit of a gilf,
your gran?
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Wed 9 Nov 2011, 11:49, closed)

excellent stuff!
I share your hatred of all greetings cards though. On occasions where I have had no choice but to purchase one I tend to stand in front of the rack for what feels like hours desperately attempting to find something I would deem to be acceptable. Some of the 'funny' ones make me want to shoot myself and the sentimental ones often make me feel like vomiting all over the shop floor.

Or maybe I'm just extremely jaded.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:32, closed)

bad shopper
always buy blank cards
cheaper
less shit
not by much
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:36, closed)

Ouch.
*click*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:10, closed)

JEZIZ FUCKING CHRIST.
That's some serious IRL trolling.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Wed 9 Nov 2011, 11:38, closed)

Did she laugh?
Or did the whole episode put the kibosh on you shagging her daughter?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 16:25, closed)

Ha - using the mum to cover the
fact you are trying to sex up a widow...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 16:54, closed)