Close encounters
We lived with a guy at uni in the first year who was... detached from reality. He was like an alien really tying but failing to impersonate human behaviour. Because of this, it was really really easy to wind him up.

Let’s call him John. Anyway, as a house (which he was unfortunately part of) we decided to go for some drinks. Me and Rob went to the bar. Rob had been a bully at school, and you can tell he had been very good at it. He ordered 5 double waters and a double vodka. The genius. The barman complied, and we made sure John got the fake water.

This continued around the table, each person getting in their generous round of 1 double shot and 5 fakes. When it came to John’s round, we decided to have lagers rather than shots. After these, John was lying face down on the table, not saying much. Remember, he’s an alien therefore not used to alcohol. Without warning, he looked up at us all, and did his best exorcist impersonation; head spinning around and vomit going everywhere.

Security said we had to take him home. They didn’t believe us that we had no idea who he was and that he wasn’t OUR friend.

We carried him home. Well, almost. About 10m from the front door Rob let go of him and proclaimed “Last one in the house is a big gayer”. We all ran into the house, and watched John sway about, finally finding some balance, and running as fast as he could (not very fast) into the wall 1 metre to the left of our front door.

Anyway, we got him to his room. Wrote a girl’s mobile number on his mirror, and had a ratch around. We found loads of instructions his parents (or alien commanders) had written him on how to live. These seriously included how to make toast (1. Put bread under grill. 2. Grill until toasted. 3. Butter and serve). We covered him in shaving foam, replaced all the paper money in his wallet with equivalent fakes printed on a crap PCworld free Epson thing (which the idiot actually tried to spend), and left him to it. But not before Rob told him he was burning up, and was going to let some air in. Rob cracked the hugest guff off in his face.

He didn’t wake up until 5 the next evening. Actually, that’s a lie, he fell down the stairs trying to get to the toilet at about 4am and knocked himself out. The only guilt I feel is when I consider I may have damaged our relations with an alien race.
(Jaffa The Cake, Sat 15 Apr 2006, 11:38, Reply)