Well,
Other than being a bit of pedant and pointing out bullshit (particularly about fictitious sherbert claims - we wanted it to froth too, but all it does is burn the sensitive tissues at the back of the nose! So fuck off with your bullshit! Oh, and learn to spell! Disaster has two s's!) I didn't really do much that was pointless, other than in the way of chemical excess.

I also went through a stage of drinking and smoking from the moment of waking and never missed a night out, even if I didn't want to drink/smoke/go out, solely to live up to the character I had developed. I eventually became what I had an image as, and this proved to be a double edged sword.

I'm now nearly 30, a father, a responsible home owner and manager at work, yet I still drink like a fish, cane it a little too hard, and consequently have a constant struggle to keep the two lives separate and my brain together and functioning properly...

Quite a laugh though.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 26 Jul 2007, 10:32, Reply)

One of my classmates
got a new bike. We would have been about 11-12 at the time. He wasn't really the brightest bloke, but he was a hard nut and someone dared him to ride it off the end of the pier into the river. He accepted the challenge.

So off he went, up the hill, and came charging down towards the pier, which was really just a short stone jetty, but a good 10 feet above the high tide mark. He jumped off the end, Evel Knievel-stylee, and splashed into the muddy and deep water.

He survived, but his new bike remained lodged in the muddy depths of the river Tay, where presumably its rusty cadaver still remains to this day.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 10:25, Reply)

Rebellion!!!
When a wee sprog, 10 years old, I once stole two big bottles of my dads homebrew. For some reason that escapes me I thought the local cemetery would be a safe place to drink them so I merrily cycled there on my bike.

Once I'd arrived I necked the stolen goods with commendable speed for a ten year old. Then it all went horribly wrong.

First, the world started to spin. This I didn't lie one little bit so I jumped, or staggered, onto my bike and tried to head for home. Then the second bad thing happened. The front wheel of my bike fell off.

This was not good news. My fuddled brain decided that this was God punishing me for:

A) Theft and
B) Drinking on hallowed ground.

I was going to hell.

I ended up bursting into tears, abandoning my bike and legging it home where I tearfully confessed all to my mum. She battered me for stealing.

I learnt a few lessons that day. Don't fuck with God and never, ever, admit when you've done wrong to those in authority. After all, if you confess you're going to get battered.

Better to lie and hope you'll get away with it.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 10:24, Reply)

I can't remember if it was to shock someone or not, but it was certainly pointless...
Me and my mate Gazz thought it would be cool if I rode my bike and towed him on his skateboard down this path near his house. It went down a steep hill and round a sharp right hand corner. You generally couldn't take the corner without brakes, but this day we were going to try.

Gazz sat down on his skateboard, grabbed the back of my bike and we set off. It was all going well I thought, as I took the corner faster than I'd ever done before.

Looking over my shoulder to my right however, I was somewhat surprised to see Gazz's skateboard keeping up with me, but no Gazz.

Looking to the left, I saw Gazz, also keeping up with me while tumbling end over end, still in basically the same sitting position he'd started in, with a very surprised and bewildered look on his face.

I nearly fell off my bike laughing =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 10:09, Reply)

I wore my school tie 'backwards'
...i.e. with the thin bit on show, the wide bit tucked into my shirt. And I wore grey shoes, instead of regulation black.

I thought I was the dog's bollocks, I can tell you.

...look, I went to a very strict school. OK?
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 9:30, Reply)

Adrenalised
Back in the early 1990's I was your average, ordinary, everyday kid. I was happy to do nothing, in fact that's what I did. I had a million ways to make my day, but my dad disagreed. Whenever I tried to get away he always said he had plans for me.

He was always trying to get me to mow the lawn, walk the dog, take out the trash or tidy my room. In the end I'd had enough and said, "Sorry dad, I've got to disappear" and I quickly got the rock out of there.

I used the experience to write a song with my band. We had a badly spelt name, were named after a big cat that was hard of hearing and our main gimmick was our one armed percussionist. EDIT We were crap ace.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 9:28, Reply)

Naked Indian Trick
Not quite sure how, why or what I'd taken to arrive at the point where I was stood outside the local Indian "The Raj", with quite a few mates, and then turn round to one and say:

"I bet you I walk in there naked and windmill my cock for our Indian friends"

I mean, these dudes where used to the strangeness off us local youths as every weekend would involve copious amounts of acid/pills/pot/beer and the ensuing madness was, in our minds, normal.

So getting my cock out for a bunch of blokes seemed like a good idea and of course as I'd said I would now i had to. So off came my shirt and I walked in and just dropped 'em.

Arms and legs spread, cock spinning and a gang of lads outside in hysterics. Man I can still remeber his face and more to the point what his eyes where doing. He couldn’t help it, he tried to keep eye contact but his eyes kept going south. Poor bloke.

Strangely though, I have no shame and still go in there and stranger he always smiles and seems happy to see me.
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 9:27, Reply)

I took beer on the Geography trip
Nicked from my parents, and before the trip it was hidden in my wardrobe under some old shoes. I was left with 2 bottles after Mum found the other 2. It wasn't even any good- piss-weak 3% lager from Tesco.

Some cunt told a teacher, so I was rumbled. I got told off- but not even a detention. I also wasn't punished apart from being told off when I persistently graffiti'd the upper school toilets in felt-tip.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 26 Jul 2007, 9:11, Reply)

Ozzy
Had a mate at high school whos mum was a Jehovas Witness. To rebel I leant him an Ozzy Osbourne scarf. She was not impressed.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 8:18, Reply)

A few more
Wasn't quite yet a teenager but a person at our primary school (and unfortuneately i hate to admit it, one of my best friends at the time) seeked cooldom by getting the nike tick shaved into the back of his head which he was promptly told to get rid of. At the time it was the fucking height and we were in awe of his audacity.

A famous act of rebelness that i could get on board with was the obligatory giving the finger(s) to lorry drivers and the like on school trips. One time at the age of 14 i decided to take it to the next level and got my friend to make me a nice viewable sign sporting the phrase "keep your eyes on the road you cunt" it was used to great effect and turned one driver of said mobile to go red in the face and dangerously cut in and out just behind us, leaving us with a slightly different shade of underwear and looks of astonishment.

Also not a teenager but another guy from our primary school in a cheeky act of reboldom asked the convicted peadophile ice cream man (how he was allowed to be so near the school i don't know) "Would he give him an ice cream if he bent over?"
(Joey Stall, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 3:06, Reply)

How to (almost) kill an OFSTED inspector
Not entirely on purpose mind...
Going back a few years, A-level physics. Me and a mate conducting a "lift" experiment whereby we calculated the lift generated by a propellor by the negative weight it generated at differing rpms. Unsure how it all worked now, but we were dead chuffed and our physics teacher was dead proud of us. Until one day...
Due to the fact that the prop motor we used was unrated, we had to think of a way of knowing the rpm of the prop another way - and we found an old strobe light, the theory being that if the strobe flickered at the same rate as the prop span, the prop would appear "still" (which it did - cue much hilarity when forgetting if the motor was on or not).
So there we are, darkened room, prop spinning, strobe light flashing. We hear a voice outside our cramped dark room saying "and in here we have two of our most promising students". Door opens, teacher sticks head in, followed by OFSTED inspector. Who was, previously unbeknownst to us or any of the school staff, epileptic.
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 0:33, Reply)

Hanging out in subways
A few years ago (I was about 15/16 or so) myself and a large group of friends used to spend our long summer days hanging around the subway by our secondary school. In an effort to impress the girls who used to come down we did some really stupid things. The subway was at the bottom of long, steep concrete slope and had two extremely steep grass hills either side of it. One day a friend of mine turned up with a skateboard and we thought it would be a cool idea to impress the girls by speeding down the steep slopes like motherfluffers.
I chose to drop in on a near vertical drop and subsequently landed right on my head. So there I was crumpled up in the subway, I didn't move for awhile, really freaked out some people who thought I'd killed myself.

I got the girl in the end and still have many happy memories of my days at the subway.
(GammaStar, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 22:58, Reply)

Dance monkey! Dance!
In every group of friends there is always one performing monkey who has to endure humiliation for the sake of amusing the rest of the posse.. I was always that monkey.

Pointless things I did to amuse/shock included :

* Eating a whole Marlboro Light that had been dipped in Stella

* Demonstrating a willingness to disregard the sacred "3 second rule" and eating things that had been on the floor for an indeterminable amount of time.. or worse , under someone's foot

* Setting fire to my own face whilst trying an amusing way of lighting a cigarette

* Having to walk around for 2 weeks with one red eyebrow after an unfortunate incident involving semi-permanent dye

* Wearing one of those plastic rain bonnet things (y'know the kind that old ladies wear to protect their blue rinse from the rain) for an entire friday evening shift at work

*creating homemade tattoos for myself with the aid of a compass

To be honest, if there was anything that could be done to make a complete tit out of someone, I would be the one subjected to it.
There must be so many more however I've probably banished them to the very back of my memory due to the trauma.

Attention seeker? Moi? Neverrrrr.... *whistles*
(Peek_a_Boo forgot how fun B3ta was until, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 22:45, Reply)

book report
Once when I was in the sixth or seventh grade I was required to do a book report for English class, so naturally I chose the book I had most recently read: Lolita.
(wkiernan, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 22:39, Reply)

I drew a stick man falling of a cliff going AHHHHHHHHHHHHH on the back of a toilet door at school
I was proud of myself, but they shut down the toilets the next week and turned them into offices.

twats.
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 22:23, Reply)

Abefrom's story reminds me of some school-related twattery
Suffice to say none of these individuals were me.

One bloke answered his german exam in french, presumably to show how he wasn't going to let the man tell him wht language he's got to speak, or somesuch. It's a shame, then, that it's the man who ultimately decides what kind of future he's going to have.

Another person I know, and strongly dislike, did his second year latin exam (yes, I did go to a posh school) with the text book open on his knees. He still contrived to get an E. Also, for those of you who don't know about the UK Maths Challenge, it's a multiple choice external paper of maths type problems that gets set every year. Five points for a correct answer, minus one for an incorrect one. Many of us left the exam hall confessing that we hadn't found it easy (except for the one who inevitably just picked his answers at random then took it as an opportunity for a couple of hours sleep), except for him, boasting about his l33t maths skillz and how he'd probably got 100%. Imagine, then, our glee when it actually transpired that he's managed to achieve the school's first ever negative score.

I've just realised that last rant was probably not quite on topic, but seeing as it's now less effort for me to post it than delete it, here goes.

Also, it's cathartic.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 21:11, Reply)

disasterprone
fight! fight! fight!
(frankspencer, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 20:59, Reply)

Disater Prone
Thanks for the lovely reply. But I think I'll believe my own experience over someone who feels the need to be rude to people they don't know, thanks all the same.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 20:06, Reply)

very very young at the time
my little bro and I decided to make a little "theme park" for our Russian hamsters, bubble and squeak, this consisted of a record player merry go round, a hoover pipe tube slide, and a maze of books.
All was going well and the little hammies seemed to be having a good time, so we decided to put the record player onto the higher speed.

me and my bro were in hysterics watching them spin, until one flew off at high speed, straight into a wall.
rather dazed we put them back in the cage and decided to plead ignorance,
thankfully the little mite survived.

he also later survived getting stuck in the hoover pipe and being poked out with a stick,
and hamster sphering, well being sent down the stairs in his little ball.
(kellogg going slowly insane, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 19:45, Reply)

men fucking in a delivery truck
My friend and I were drunk and we decided we were going to take a truck. Theres no one in it so we walk up to it and she tries to open the door...it's not working so I try it and out of no where 2 men spring up off the floor or seat or somewhere so we leg it. On the way home we had to pee, walked through the construction site and went into a half built bank. Needless to say we painted the floor yellow.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 19:45, Reply)

School? Girlfriends? Parents? Farmers? ...Murderers?
OK...

At school (1999 / 2000? Was 16), it was during the dotcom boom or whatever. Anyway, a site was offering free domain names. I got one. It was the .co.uk version of my school's rather than their .com. Forums dedicated to teachers. Headmaster's council/gov email addy (those stupid *.ac.uk or *.gov.uk) linked into an anonymous formmail app.

Suspended. Twice.

Girlfriends - Told her I was gay to break up, promised to be best friends forever. Was so sorry, etc, etc.

Pulled her best friend 2 hours later.

Parents - Found pretty much roached joint in my inside pocket before schoool. Lost their rag. bigstyle.

Answer: Blamed big sister who borrowed my jacket the night before to walk the dog.

Farmers. Went camping one night when about 11 years old. Me and a load of mates. Barn full of hay bales. Great fun (the usual, jumping from on high, finding 'secret' passageways through them, slapping the rat poison packets at each other). Engine revs outside the barn. Huge shout 'expletive, expletive, balh blah blah - get outta that expletive barn'. leggit out the back. Running across fields at 4am with horses about to kill us as we run past. We see the jeep. It's the farmers brother. Convicted brother. Of murdering his wife. Am still running to this day.

Length? He used a tie.

(Book: The Law Killers - Name was James/Jim Wilkie.
(allywilson, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 18:10, Reply)

My Step Brother
Sold neurofen tablets with the N scratched off to kids at school telling them they were E's.

The school had a strict no drugs policy so the kids that bought them were expelled, however my step brother is still the only person I have ever come across to be suspended for FRAUD!
(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 17:47, Reply)

Exam idiocy
One of the lads at school bragged to me about writing the following deliberately incorrect answers to exam questions:

Which mountain is it said in the Hebrew Bible where Moses received the Ten Commandments?
Correct answer: Mount Sinai
He answered: Mount Snowdon

Which football team shares it's name with a Greek hero and legendary king who plays an important role in Homer's Iliad?
Correct answer: Ajax
He answered: Tranmere Rovers

He failed and got bollocked. He thought he was cool, I thought he was a tit.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 17:03, Reply)

You probably had to be there....
I was about 15 at the time, a complete shit at school and wanted to be out in the big, bad world instead of sat in classes having to listen to talentless teachers who hadn't really got a clue. Every day i was involved in some sort of tomfoolery which inevitably ended up with me in detention/having to visit the headmaster or spending the lesson sat outside.

We'd been out for lunch one day and were sat in the formroom before the tutor came in to regisiter us for afternoon lessons. This usually lasted about 20 mins before sloping off to other lessons. One lad, who wasn't in our class, had a stash of porn in his bag, which gave me a wonderful idea. We selected a lovely japanese centrefold, wearing just ice-skates (WTF) and attached it to the old-school revolving blackboard behind the teacher's desk. The board was revolved to hide the said image, hoping that she'd later discover it. Everyone was in on it and we thought it would be ace - she was a proper fuddy-duddy.

The tutor walks in and sits down and starts taking the register, straight after, she asks each one of us to go up one by one in alphabetical order to check our parents' contact details. We had not expected this turn of events, but the first person went up and edged the board down very discretely - i felt nervous, as this wasn't the plan. This went on for about 10 minutes with all of us doing our bit. The skates were poking out of the top so one of the lads thought he'd be a bit more brave and expose a bit more flesh.

The picture was alsmost directly behind the tutor's head at this point. We were all trying not to laugh and hoping she wouldn't stand up and turn around. My heart was beating as I knew everyone would grass me up.

Just to make it that bit sweeter an OFSTED inspector walked in and sat right at the back of class. None of us could do a thing and the tutor hadn't got a clue - I wouldn't have done it if I'd known an inspector would walk in. We all sat there trying to to laugh at the quim-tastic ice-skater. We got such a bollocking the next day, but it was worth it and surprisingly enough, no-one grassed me up. Bonus.
(madamebonsoir, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 16:47, Reply)

more snorting stupidness
my teenage years were a wash with snorting silly things to shock/impress and audience. egged on by booze and spliffs i have at one time or another taken the following, oh remember kids its not big or clever in fact most of it is just down right stupid.

sherbert (the worst by quite a way)
chili powder & flakes
salt (which is worse than)
pepper
lime cordial
vodka
port (surprisingly nice if u like port)
sambuca (i now realise this was a waste of perfectly good alcohol)
aftershock
tortilla chip dust
cat nip
my own blood
(L0p3z, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 16:42, Reply)

Maths teacher
So we had this maths teacher when I was 13 - Lovely bloke by the name of Stan, about 6 months from retirement. Of course being a class of 13 year olds we were all little shits.

Stan tells us one day that OFSTED would be doing an inspection of our next lesson with him and could we all try to co-operate. Of course.

He always walks in, sits behind his desk and opens the draws before doing anything else. Every lesson. Here is our target spot.


The next lesson, the entire class lines up outside about 10 minutes early, Stan walks up with inspector, cue much "Good morning Sir" from everyone (NEVER happened before in our school) and Stan thinks he's on to a winner.

We all walk in and sit down quietly, Stan goes to his desk as normal and opens the draw to find:

3 copies of Mayfair (open at the centrepage)
Box of rubbers (not the school kind)
Vibrator
Gimp mask and leather gloves.


Cue much quick shutting of draw and flustering of said teacher, who then taught the entire lesson from memory without drawing anything on the board as he was too scared to get chalk out in case the inspector saw the contents of his desk!



Happy days.......


Length? I usually have to apologise for girth first...
(GlennQuagmire, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 14:41, Reply)

Lollylegs just reminded me of this
When I was at school there was a ‘standard’ rotation policy meaning that you would get a different teacher every year…Not for me, oh no. I had the same one every single cocking year in my secondary school.

Now that I think about it, it was probably because he was the only one that would put up with me, but hey-ho, it was a long time ago.

This teacher was imaginatively nicknamed ‘Stig’, not because he was a great driver like from Top Gear, but because he was a tramp, like ‘Stig Of The Dump’.

He was also a man of principles like insisting that there was no TV in his house, so that his children were not ‘dumbed down’. Of course, now I’m grown up I have some understanding for his actions but at the time, this led to massive bouts of piss-taking and abuse from the whole class.

We did the classics, like asking him if he had watched Eastenders every single day, writing ‘TWAT’ and an arrow on the blackboard above his chair, leaving freebie packets of shampoo / soap etc with ‘HINT’ written on it and so-on, but one thing sticks out particularly.

Because he wore the same clothes day in, day out (textbook teacher stuff, patches on the arms of his blazer, black cords), we decided to test his general cleanliness and covered his chair in chalk dust. Just chalk, not paint or anything. However, he had a white mark on his arse for 3 WEEKS! I mean, even sitting down regularly should have done some sort of a job wiping it off but apparently not. Filthy fucker

His chair then became the focal point for jokes at his expense. The ‘cushion’ part of the teacher’s chair could be lifted out so we would regularly do so. The thick bell-end fell through the resulting hole about 5 times before he started checking, and when he finally did start to check, we made tiny slits in the chair cushion and inserted a load of drawing pins in it for when he sat down. He wasn’t happy.

I also brought my brother's machete into school once to show off and got grassed up. Fortunately, I had a tip-off to the grass and managed to hide the machete, but forgot about the stash of my dad's porn I also had in my bag – DOH.

As I reflect on these actions, I come to the conclusion that I was a bit of a cunt at school, and all these years later, not much has changed.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 25 Jul 2007, 14:13, Reply)

Snorting sherbert does not cause your nose to froth.
We have spiked friends with sherbert, telling them it was coke, and what it does is burn the back of your nose end the tube connecting it to the roof of your mouth.

Don't talk rubbish.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 25 Jul 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Snorting Polos
We used to snort crushed up Polo mints in physics lesson, ostensibly to see if the teacher would notice if we were to really snort lines of gak from the scarred worktop, but in reality just because we were all fucking idiots. I mean, if he had noticed, what would we have said? What exactly were we trying to prove?

It sticks your nose together something rotten, we somewhat scientifically discovered. And snorting sherbet can make froth come out of your nose.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Not wanted in class...fine!
I had a maths teached called Mr Russel who was a slightly crusty individual, always with the remnants of his last meal on his tie and shirt, sometimes I'm sure it was more like the last three meals.

Sat in class one day and a frind used a big steel ruler to flip an eraser (I would say rubber but the merry cans would get confused) towards said teacher.

It must haave reached Mach 5 in the time it tok to travel the 15 feet or so towards the front of the class. Just before its rendezvous with Mr Russels head, he snapped around t oface the class and cought it slap bang in the middle of his forehead. A thoroughly amusing SLAP reverberated around the classroom and myself and my friends collapsed in tears of laughter as his forehead grew redder and redder.

I was quickly singled out as the instigator and even though I completely protested my innocence (and I was indeed innocent of the deed!) I was told to pick up my table and chair and go and sit outside of the classroom.

So I jammed my desk by the door but was so far back I couldnt read the blackboard. The buildings were single storey, with one whole side of the class being a large glass window. So, I picked up my desk, carried it outside and plonked it down outside the window where I could see the blackboard. Mr Russel pokes his head out of the window and asks what I think I am doing so I explain that I couldnt see the board from the back of the class and its much nicer out here in the sun anyway.

He let me get on with it, not wanting to encourage me further. Every class after that I moved my desk outside to the same spot on sunny days, or to the door on rainy days. He just let me get onwith it!
(indigo_prime, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 13:14, Reply)