Last night
My friend called me at 2 o'clock in the morning. He told me something to the effect of: "I'm near your house, I have no money, my home is a long way, let me sleep at yours please". This was said, I might add, in a very slurred, drunken voice. Bearing in mind I am currently residing with my parents (Although that problem will be rectified soon), I agreed, but asked him not to ring the doorbell when he arrived, but to ring my mobile (So as not to wake my parents up). He was obviously that pissed he couldnt tell the difference, and rang the doorbell anyway.

So I crept downstairs, trying to be as quiet as possible, on the off chance the doorbell hasn't woken my parents up. I get to the door, and said friend keeps pushing the doorbell, shouting, "Hello, hello!!" By now, parents are at the top of the stairs wondering what the hell is going on. I explain very quickly the situation, and my dad goes back to bed. Obviously he couldn't be arsed to argue with me at that time.

I opened the door, and he more or less managed to stagger into the house. I told him to be quiet and go upstairs into my bedroom, but that he would have to sleep on the floor, so I gave him a pillow. Safe in the knowledge that in the morning my parents are going to be pissed off at me for waking them up, I tried to get some shut-eye.

Unable to sleep because it seems my friend hiccups when he's sleeping, I turned the light on. What do I see? A huge pool of water on my floor, oddly, under my friends head. So I woke him up (It didn't take much) and asked him what the hell it was.
"I don't know," he replied, "But it seems to have come out of my eyes."
Suspicious, I put my finger in it and smell it. Piss.
"No!, its come out of my eyes!" he insisted.

My friend, who I let into my house, and risked having a confrontation with my parents for, had pissed on my floor.

I shan't go through the details of clearing it up, but suffice to say, there's currently a nice stain on my carpet, accompanied by an odd smell lingering in my room in general.

I suppose it could have been worse, as he could have needed a shit.

AFL
( FreudianSlap, Fri 25 May 2007, 17:24, Reply)

Pensioner+ road=pain
A few years ago, when I was pretending to be a Christian to get in a god-botherer's pants, I offered to help an old lady across the road. She was waiting at the curb and looking very nervous, so I took her arm and led her across to the other side.

When I got there, a man approached me and said something like "Why you abuse my baba? You some pervert muthafucka?" It turned out that the gentleman in question was a senior member of the Albanian mafia and that touching his grandmother was the worst possible insult short of actually shitting in his hair.

In the following weeks, my dog was killed, my greenhouse was smashed, my car had its tyres slashed, my boss was sent (very good) photoshopped pictures of me engaging in coitus with a goat and my girlfriend met a man with a funny accent at a club. Turned out he was hung like a tyrannosaurus and she left me for him. But it got worse.

After a break-in, the police took my computer away and found 4000 pictures of naked children on it. I lost my job and was forced to become homeless. I became an alcoholic and took to heroin like a scouser to petty theft. My life had reached rock bottom.

Then, by chance, I saw a little old lady waiting to cross the road. I waited until a petrol tanker drove by and then pushed her under its wheels, watching them squash the old bitch as flat as a blue-rinse pizza. And, you know, I felt much better.
(frankspencer, Fri 25 May 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Meh
Just the usual doing a job and not getting paid kinda stuff here.

The worst one: I built a website that HAD TO be done in one week (which I easily managed), but then I had to ask and beg for the bill to be paid for more than eighteen months. And it was quite a large sum too (about two months worth of salary). Already paid my taxes for it and everything.

I just saw that it was paid today!
*glees*

okay, so not a funny story, but I'm just happy, as this is not made up whatsoever.
( mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Fri 25 May 2007, 16:39, Reply)

And that's the thanks I got
Somone at my old job was bullying me for months & generally treating me & talking to me like rubbish. I always stood up for myself, but she still would not stop. She was senior to me, & seemed to think she had a right to monitor me, nit pick, act condescendingly, rudely & patronisingly. We would show me up & embarrasss me in front of others.

I then went to my manager & HR, etc. who just made me tell her in front of them how she was making me feel.

Shortly after this, unfortunately, a good friend of hers died abroad. Everyone was shocked. I tried to call her a few days later, offering my support etc. as it struck a humane bone in my body & I felt sorry for her & compassionate too. I wanted to tell her I was glad we'd let bygones be bygones & offered to help her wioth her work when she returned as she was overloaded (as was I before then)

When she returned to work a week later, she quizzed me on why I called her & just said. "Oh, right.", not any word of thanks when I offered her help.

Then I had a week off as hols. & despite me going through the week ahead's work very carefully with her, emailing my work over & printing it off, she managed to totally cock it up.

Then she denied it all, lied to the managers & carried on being a bully to me again!

In the end I got a new job & left. She had no manners, people management skills, or professionalism about her. Just relieved I got out of there!
( Nightmare Hippy Girl Be excellent to each other, Fri 25 May 2007, 16:37, Reply)

Not me, but my Grandfather
It's shortly after Pearl Harbor and my Grandfather goes into the Navy and is going through training...he gets a commission and ends up getting assigned to a unit...ironically, though not so obvious at the time, with Richard M. Nixon.

My Grandfather was always messing about with cars and was really a good mechanic. Richard Nixon has some issues with his and asked my Grandfather: "Hal, can you fix my car?" and Hal says "Sure Nick. But parts are gonna be expensive!" (I am obviously paraphrasing)

Dick: Go ahead and get them, I will pay you back.

You know where this is going.

Car fixed. Nixon happy. Hal skint.

Fast forward to the Nixon Administration. Grandpa and Grandma are out East to visit their daughter and family. Touring Washington, DC.

a white haired Hal approaches the main gate at the White House and begins to make a bit of a stink. Secret Service are called in. I believe the quote was "TELL DICK TO GIVE ME MY GODDAMN MONEY FOR THE AUTO PARTS!" I am SURE they thought he was in early stages of dimentia.

Arrests are threatened...and all Hal can say is "I FIXED THAT BASTARDS CAR! IS THIS ALL THE THANKS I GET?!"

True story.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 25 May 2007, 16:26, Reply)

Frank Spencer
"inserted my throbbing member to the hilt in her clenching dell"

Fucking hell son, you are one funny fucker.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 25 May 2007, 15:59, Reply)

After realising frankspencer had taken the trouble to post something
I took him off ignore

...and don't I wish I fucking hadn't
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 25 May 2007, 15:25, Reply)

flashing
i complained to maintenance that the wheels on my chair were squeaky.

so just now, i tried to pull the chair up to my boss' desk in the usual lazy way of pulling it forwards with my feet whilst still sitting on it.

the supposedly newly fixed chair wheels stuck. i did not. i basically pulled my own ass off the chair and landed right at his feet. to add insult to injury, the resulting bump made my boobs fly right out of my neckline, giving him a lovely view of my bra AND clean up my skirt.

and what thanks did i get for giving him this visual treat?

"here's the client number, i want you to research this blah point on blah....."

EDIT: oh my god, i've never had so many gazzes!! in answer to the most frequently asked questions... yes, i am wearing pants, they are white and no, he isn't hot so it certainly was in no way deliberate and yes, my ass is very bruised indeed!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2007, 15:10, Reply)

Car insurance
I don't get on with my sister at the best of times....

So when I paid half her car insurance AFTER we'd had a massive row about something else, I expected some kind of thanks.

Or repayment..... (What is it about sibling loans that mean you never get it back?!?!)

How stupid am I?

Great - cheers sis.

Insert pun here (or anywhere) about tanks, yanks, planks, blanks and wanks
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 25 May 2007, 15:01, Reply)

xyphious
points out that abefroman was standing up for frankspencer, and what thanks does he get?
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Fri 25 May 2007, 14:57, Reply)

steh30
showed his cock to women.

he got laughed at. what sort of thanks is that?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 25 May 2007, 14:57, Reply)

abefroman...
stands up for frankspencer and what does he get?!?!
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Fri 25 May 2007, 14:47, Reply)

frankspencer.....
....posts messages on the QOTW board that are entertaining and what thanks does he get?
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 25 May 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Frankspencer
You are fucking sad.

That is all
(steh30, Fri 25 May 2007, 14:27, Reply)

Well thank you very much
I have a friend, I say friend. I mean acquaintance I havent been able to shake off in four years or so. His whole world is PC's, he is a wizard with them and they are to all intents and purposes his life. So when mine buggered up a few months ago, he was the person I called.

I called him and he was made up, he loves fixing broken computers so I was quite pleased I'd made his day. I promised him a nice cooked meal and a few bevvys as payment when he came over, he asked to bring his girlfriend so I said yes.

While he was fixing my PC in my room, me and his girl started to talk. The talk got quite deep and she started telling me all about their lack of a sex life, how his libido wasnt much and how she was getting annoyed with him and even worse, how it was affecting their relationship. She was starting to get annoyed with him and was getting spiteful, full of bitchy, barbed comments for the lad.

'What could I do to help?' thought I. Then it hit me.

I played with her hair and started nuzzling her neck. Before you could say firewall we were at it like a similie which hasnt even been invented yet to convey our behaviour.

Gratitude anyone? Not a sausage. I let him fix my computer AND shagged his girl so he didnt have to, some people eh?
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Fri 25 May 2007, 13:57, Reply)

My brother, as tight as a mermaid's underwear
A few years ago I was moving out of a mate's flat and decided to share a place with my brother who, for the last few years, had been living with mum because he's totally useless at living on his own. The house was £500 a month in rent and the letting agent needed a month in advance plus a bond. As my brother was skint I said I would get a loan for money and he could pay his share back every month.
A month after moving in he came to me and said that he couldn't afford to pay back what he owed. This wasn't too bad as it meant that I would get all the bond when I eventually moved out.
Imagine my ever so slight annoyance when a week or so later a couple of sizeable brown boxes were delivered to him containing a various high spec DJ equipment (bro thinks he's a DJ. Oh dear...), which he proudly told me cost him a shade under two grand. Yeah, cheers.
Still sharing with brother and he's unemployed at the moment (after moving to a new job, not liking it and leaving the same day) so what am I going to do about his rent? Yup, get a loan...
What he doesn't know is that I'll be moving out in a few months...
(Ghostlight, Fri 25 May 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Saturday Job
Many years ago I was given what was described as a 'thankless task'.

And that was the thanks I didn't get.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Fri 25 May 2007, 13:23, Reply)

group sex (well, it's a Friday)
Sarah had always said that it was her fanstasy to service a number of men at the same time. We were all round at John's house watching some DVDs, smoking and getting gradually intoxicated when she started to strip.

At first, it was just her shirt. Then she slipped off her jeans and sat there in her Victoria's Secret lingerie (she'd obviously put her best stuff on). An atmosphere of arousal thickened in the room as the four guys looked her frankly spectacular body. She'd done some glamour modelling and looked better naked than she did clothed.

Then the bra came off and those fantastic tits jiggled into the room. John, who was sitting next to her, reached out and cupped one, half expecting to be slapped. But she just raised her arms above her head and started to purr. This prompted rob to grab another handful. She wriggled as they both engaged in nipple play.

Her intention had become clear. We'd been waiting a long time for this. I got up and helped her to remove her g-string, revealing a hairless clam, engorged and gaping with anticipation. Getting into the spirit of things, I set my tongue to work and lapped at her clitoris as she rolled her hips around. When I came up for air, I saw that she had Jack's cock halfway down her throat and his balls cupped in a manicured hand.

Not wanting to miss out, I pulled her hips forward on the sofa and inserted my throbbing member to the hilt in her clenching dell. There. I pumped slowly and watched the fellatio show. I felt my orgasm rumbling like a distant Kraktoa just as Jack withdrew and pumped his load over her glistening lips and tongue.

She still wasn't done. She turned round so that someone else could have a go doggy style, and took John in her mouth as Rob plugged her from behind. I noted that Jack was still hard and that she was frantically pumping his schlong with her hand as she serviced the other two. Not to be left out, I made good use of my still-rigid cock and - not standing on ceremony, I slipped one into her ass beneath Rob's thrusting buttocks.

At this rearwards surprise, she began to moan and double her writhing/sucking efforts. We all came simultaneously in a thrusting, pulsing geyser of jizz, saliva and sundry lubricants.

At that moment, her boyfriend entered the room and said, "Is that all the thanks I get for getting engaged to you?"
(frankspencer, Fri 25 May 2007, 12:43, Reply)

B*tch landlord
After months of hounding our landlord to let us decorate our hideous lounge with stripy, floral wallpaper, she eventually said yes, on the condition that we paid for the paint ourselves...as it was sooo bad, we agreed. About a week after finishing decorating and making the house look generally beautiful, she put the house on the market and kicked us out. I am still very bitter!
(Smartie, Fri 25 May 2007, 12:23, Reply)

Walking home one night from the pub
There was a bloke lying half in the street, head on the pavement passed out. I couldnt wake him, so i phoned an ambulance. It was winter and the guy was shivering, so i put my coat over him and waited for the ambulance. It took nearly an hour and i was freezing my ass off. They managed to wake him and sit him up, at which point he barfed all over my coat. Thanks for that. Should have left him to freeze to death.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 25 May 2007, 11:56, Reply)

I was talking to Huddie William Ledbetter (aka 'Leadbelly')

and I later found out the bastard copied my distinctive way of structuring paragraphs.
I said I was talking talking to Huddie William Ledbetter (aka 'Leadbelly')
and I later found out the bastard copied my distinctive way of structuring paragraphs.
Now I've received absolutely no credit for my innovations,
whereas he has a totally unearned reputation as a polymath.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 25 May 2007, 11:35, Reply)

not me but
my grandad worked for one of those big shitty companies that seem to be cropping up quite alot in this thread.

He was an engineer and designed safety systems for ships, navy, commercial.. everything he was a top man in his field.

a young attractive bright graduate woman is assigned as his assistant. which then became apprentice. Didn;t take long for him to realise he was training his younger more attracive replacement after 40 years loyal service.
Not a lot he could do about it though.

the company was taken over a few years later and the takeover company waited the 2 or 3 months in which employees have a legal right to complain about a takeover company policy, treatment etc. then made him redundant. And i beleive they managed to get rid of his pension. And make him redundant at a point in the tax year which was good for them, but bad for my grandads severance package. arsewipes.

PS The woman who had earlier been set to replace him, learnt everything she could, then went for a better paid job in a another company PAHAHAHA.
(Flobby Boris is returned to /talk from the northern wastes., Fri 25 May 2007, 11:21, Reply)

look God,

QUOTE:
Now, all I hear is requests to win the lottery, requests for a bigger cock and requests for Kelly Osbourne and Pete Doherty to die in a messy car crash.

I certainly asked for something that involved Kelly Osbourne, and was messy, however I think you might not have heard me properly.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 25 May 2007, 11:10, Reply)

Out comes the pain -aaaggghh
my mate proper stiched me up.

He asked for 90p back the morning after a night out as "his mrs drank half pint less over the evening". She didn't care - he was just so tight. They were staying in Norway in my mrs mums cottage, free of charge for a week.

Then, as his conservatory roof was shite and leaky, i was asked to spend a weekend there to help. no problem. Friday night at 10pm he smoked my weed then he stood up, turned off the lights and TV and went to bed. Leaving me in the dark in the front room. It then got weirder and weirder as he wouldn't speak to me if i asked anything, and it got so bad that by the time he finished he didn't even say thanks and kept stopping for tea breaks and not telling me. Proper pissed off i was.

After the 90p shenanigans, he then "forgot" to bring any money for his weed, then "forgot" for a month to transfer it. I actually got 3 sets of bank charges as it was promised to be there by the end of the month. Lying sack of shite.

I booted him off. Thats not being a mate, thats stitching me up royally.

He still sees some of my other mates, when he wants weed. And "forgets" his money even though its the only thing he went to see them for - and only stays 20 mins after a 1 hour drive to get there. He has known this mate for 17 years, and me for over 10.

Some people are just cnuts of the highest order, and will never change.

all i ever wanted was a mate whom may occasionally had a pint with me. I would help any mate to the end of the earth FOR NO MONEY. I reckon mates rates are mates rates, ie cost of materials, plus the time given for free. In return i like cups of tea whilst working.

i would however sort them out proper if the boot was on the other foot, case of beers or bottle of scotch or such thing as i see how much it would have saved me by going to a business for the work.

My thanks for helping a mate for 10 years - being ignored, fleeced for weed and money, not even receiving phone calls. Or even emails on fridays as this normally mentioned the weekend and this was off limits.

What a cnut. Even now i feel the rage returning.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 25 May 2007, 10:37, Reply)

Divine Gratitude?
All I did was to point out that there was a tree with some apples on it in the garden of eden - You people made a conscious choice to eat them.

And then I'm portrayed as the devil.

And that's the thanks I get.

Yours,
Satan
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 25 May 2007, 9:44, Reply)

Divine gratitude
I created the world in six days, resting on the seventh. I chose two great people but they just wouldn't listen and the sex thing had to go and ruin everything: she couldn't take her eyes of his serpent. Then there was Sodom and Gomorrah - they just wouldn't listen. I even sent down my boy to talk to them, but they still didn't want to know. They started making up their own religions, for My sake!

Now, all I hear is requests to win the lottery, requests for a bigger cock and requests for Kelly Osbourne and Pete Doherty to die in a messy car crash. It's not easy being me. D'you think I care about hurricanes and earthquakes anymore? People have been ignoring me for years. Now it's my turn, suckers.
(frankspencer, Fri 25 May 2007, 9:14, Reply)

Dog, Ew.
Dr Frank has reminded me of this one....

I'm not a fan of dogs, I don't hate them, but I DO hate rat dogs (I also don't see the point)

Anyway, I was in deepest darkest Suffolk and trying to find my friend's house in a local village for local people.

(This was also the same journey that, while in Suffolk, I was pulled over 3 times for "suspicious behaviour" - or "driving while black" as I commented on to one police officer (bad idea, by the way) - but that's another story.....)

Anyway.

I stopped to ask some old guy where xx road was - he piped up, "That's just near the post office, I'm going there and you can give me and my little dog a lift". Great - Old man and rat dog.

I oblige and he shows me the way - I thank him and we're both happy.

Later on in the day, there's an odd smell in the car, I can't place it - I'm looking around in the car - have I spilt milk, etc..... Nope, no idea.

Hang on, what's that on the car mat in the passenger seat footwell - Ew - Dog Shit.

The little feckin' dog had done a little feckin' shit and then tramped it in to the mat. I didn't even try to clean the mat, I just binned it.

Thanks.

*Apologies to the vegetarian, rat dog owning populace - more people I've probably offended
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 25 May 2007, 9:04, Reply)

I remember everything...
I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday.

I went to work at yet another big shitty company. I was working on another product and (astonishingly for a big shitty company) it was a good product and the work was interesting. I got well into it and even got into the habit of working over lunch on a regular basis in order to get more bits of it working more quickly.

One day, after many weeks of this, I had some stuff to sort out so went into town at the appointed lunch hour.

When I returned, the manager wanted to know why I hadn't been at my desk.

And for the short time after that before I quit, I made damn sure I never worked a single minute between the hours of 13.00 and 14.00, nor between 17.00 and 09.00.

You can probably guess I work for small companies these days.

F%ck big shitty companies, and the cogs that grind within them.
(><(((">, Fri 25 May 2007, 7:30, Reply)

Once upon a time...
... I went to work for a big shitty company (let's call them 'Big Tits PLC').

A couple of days after I arrived they needed volunteers to work on a project. Everyone else took one step backwards and so I, as a new graduate with no experience, found myself the only geek responsible for a product which an 8-man team had abandoned to leave the company and start their own outfit (which we'll call 'Small Tits PLC') in direct competition. Big Tits PLC could have sued them to oblivion, but as they'd just lost a similar and rather embarrassing court case, with lots of associated giggling coverage in the press, they decided not to.

So there I was, just me and *two* managers, with customers yelling down the phone at us to get the product fixed (which had been deliberately left to rot for a year while Small Tits PLC set themselves up).

I had no technical knowledge at all, so I trained myself, though *six* months later Big Tits PLC were kind enough to send me on a course to learn what by that time I already knew, and at that time they also added another geek to the team, who knew even less than I did.

Nevertheless, against all the odds, we fixed the product. It worked nicely, the existing customers were happy, and we were even getting interest from new ones. Result.

Not quite. One of the managers (the one who was senior to the other one) came in one morning and announced that (a) someone who we'd never met had taken the decision to discontinue the product and redeploy the team around the company at random; (b) in preparation we were being moved from our reasonably habitable office to a collapsing shit-hole which reminded me of Shangri-La Towers from the film 'Brazil'; and (c) he had handed in his notice.

I handed mine in too a few days later. The manager (the one who was junior to the other one) seemed surprised. Don't ask me why.

Small Tits PLC, by the way, are still going, and doing very well. I wish I'd joined them instead.
(><(((">, Fri 25 May 2007, 7:23, Reply)

Septic Thanks
Once again while working as a “Cheney “ employee, one of my American compatriots was told he had to go to Syria for a five week job.

He was not on the least bit happy as his girlfriend was due to arrive in Dubai within a week.

While we sat in the office he pondered his options.

Being the inventive type, I suggested that not having a free page in his passport would prevent the Syrian Visa being obtained and he would have to stay in town for at least two weeks while a replacement passport was issued.

Simple, but the only problem was there were three clean pages left in the said passport.

My answer was that we should “razor blade cut the empty pages out of the cunt.”

The cunning plan worked a treat as he managed an extended stay in town.

Downside, being the only employee with a Syrian multi entry visa, I was informed later that day that I had to leave - that night.

Transpired also that my American mate told our boss about my multi entry visa. TWUNT

Had the shits for three weeks, broke a rib and spent a total of six weeks in the shithole.

Helpful advice, I have never offered any since that day.

Upside, I had shagged his bird before he had met her six months previously and knew I wasn't missing anything as she was like a sack of potatoes.
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Fri 25 May 2007, 5:13, Reply)