If, like me, you lve on a pikey council estate
your virgin TV blipper will also change your neighbours channels if shone through their window. Bonus points for changing it to 'gay porn' or such like.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 19:05, Reply)

cubed ham
makes perfect Quorn for dinner guests you dont give a shit about.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 18:58, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

When travelling abroad, make yourself understood clearly by carrying a black umbrella.
If Johnny is feeling too lazy to follow what you're saying, prod him firmly in the chest with the umbrella, and wake him up by preceding your request saying loudly and firmly "NOW LISTEN HERE ... !"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 18:19, Reply)

A 'in the night garden' toy
painted pink makes an ideal peppa pig.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 16:43, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Guinness World Records
Aren't interested in how much ginger you can fit up your arse apparently.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 16:29, Reply)

the five second rule
Does not apply to Angel Delight whilst in the loft.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 16:27, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

realy piss the animal rights activists off and end up on a death list
by using live kittens for fishing bait, this way you can upset the majority of people with the minimum fuss

see here disgustingmedia.com/videos/8/kittens-being-used-as-live-shark-bait

NSFW at all and that blonde in the next cubical? do not show her it
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 16:00, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think you're foreign by saying
"Ah ... sorry ... to say again, please?" whenever they say something with a polysyllabic word in.

Enhance the effect by answering all questions "Yes, yes."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 13:30, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Prevent embarassing visits to the STD clinic
by saying 'no thank you' when pulling up on the roadside to ask a lady for directions. There is a reason she looks like a whore....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 12:17, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Ensure an evening of untold misery and snide comments whilst having dinner with friends
By replying 'no its your massive arse' when your wife/girlfriend asks if this dress makes her look fat, whilst getting ready
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Live life on the edge
by shouting your mrs downstairs and trying to masturbate before she comes into the room.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 11:56, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Wearing sunglasses, a black polo neck and smoking gitanes
Makes people think you are French

Add to the scam by riding a bicycle with onions around your neck and a baguette in your basket.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Rubber, cut into strips
Makes ideal cheese, if you are American.

See also: bacon, bread and somehow milk..... and have they not even heard of cider over there? Its like an alcopop.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 11:44, Reply)

James Bond
if you must have sex for dinner and death for breakfast, try and meet in the middle for lunch with a bit of necrophilia.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 7 Jun 2011, 11:15, Reply)

People on the tube in London invariably look miserable.
Cheer them up by playing a selection of your favourite songs on your mobile 'phone.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Should someone cock you a snook,
pooh-pooh them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 8:39, Reply)

have a physics exam coming up?
Do plenty of study rather than waste an afternoon trying to get off using a muscle toner or perhaps household appliances.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 0:50, Reply)

if attempting Heat Man on Megaman 2
do make sure you have equipped Metal Blade, Crash Bomber and Item #2. For extra speed in dispatching the twat, Bubble Lead is preferable.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 6 Jun 2011, 23:01, Reply)

make your wife jealous
By drawing a ring around your penis with lipstick. For extra impact draw the ring quite far down near the base of the shaft.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Jun 2011, 22:02, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Should you not care for the cut of someone's jib
Cocking them a snook is most agreeable.
( smokey bobinson westing by musket and sexton, Mon 6 Jun 2011, 20:49, Reply)

Prevent Your Dad
from telling you that all the band names in the line-up for a well-known music festival sound like terms for homosexual activity by not telling him who is playing in the first place.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 6 Jun 2011, 14:03, Reply)

save money
On expensive exercise bikes by buying a regular clothes horse instead
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Jun 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Make people think you're a stockbroker in 1930s depression-era America
By dressing in a pinstripe suit and throwing yourself out of an office window.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Jun 2011, 11:51, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pretend to be a window cleaner by rubbing a shamois leather against office windows.
Dip the shamois leather in a bucket of water regularly, for a "hyper-realistic" effect.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Jun 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Wind Up
itinerant mouth-breathers on one end of a phone line by enquiring as to whether or not they have been running.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 6 Jun 2011, 8:48, Reply)

Cure hiccups
by licking your elbow. This really works.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 6 Jun 2011, 8:34, Reply)

Make friends think you're a moron
by telling them that you think Peter Kay is a great comedian.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:50, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make your penis
look like an angry bodybuilder by wrapping at least a dozen elastic bands around base.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:48, Reply)

Small Earwigs
painted black, with their heads covered, and made to walk backwards make ideal replacements for small stag beetle-less gardens.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:45, Reply)

Make trips to the toilet more exciting
by converting a fairground "Waltzers" ride into a sort of commode. For extra fun, have a gypsey charge you a quid every visit.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:41, Reply)