Fucking guidance counsellors
A while ago Ms Foxtrot and I were having some pop-pop problems. Sexwise. Nothing to do with aged grandparents, I've no idea who wrote that first definition but they obviously don't have as excellent a knowledge of Arrested Development as I do.

Anyway, things had fizzled - we've been together a long time, all our energy was spent dealing with the stresses of work and dancing lessons, and look at me for gods sakes. All the usual stuff that makes a couple less inclined to get jiggy with it (everyone dances, right?). I couldn't quite bring myself to ask the advice of any of my male friends - I get enough in the way of gay jibes as it is without admitting that I was finding it difficult to muster the energy to fuck a woman none of my mates can work out how I managed to pull - so I decided to seek professional help.

I had my doubts to begin with, which I seriously wish I'd heeded. Basically I was going to cough up my hard-earned in exchange for advice on how to cough up cock yoghurt from my hard-boned. Christ that was laboured. Sorry, everyone. I'll start again.

I had my doubts to begin with, which I seriously wish I'd heeded. Is paying a professional for sex advice tantamount to hiring a prostitute? Of course it fucking isn't, I hear you spluttering from behind your strawberry cream frappucino. But that's the sort of spent, frazzled headspace I was in. I was desperate to put the lead back in my pencil so I braced myself for the mockery, the embarrassment, the bill, and went to see a guidance counsellor.

The experience itself wasn't bad at all - my counsellor was very understanding, made lots of platitudes about how it happens to a lot of people, and gave me some unusual advice. Highly unusual, however I figured that was what I was paying for - thinking outside the box (hehehe). Newly determined to remind Ms Foxtrot of the man she was first attracted to all those years ago, I strode home and left her a message to meet me, when she got home from work, at a farm a few miles up the road (unlikely? I live in Norfolk. Thousands of the bastard things).

Things did not go as planned.

Ms Foxtrot entered the barn, presumably thoroughly excited by my note promising an atypical sexual adventure. I suppose she was expecting an al fresco roll in the hay. She was most distressed to find me oiling up a piece of farm machinery in a state of undress, performing a sexy striptease and eyeing up the exhaust pipe in a most unseemly fashion.

Apparently my explanation clarified matters but did not make things any more palatable. My counsellor's expensive advice was that in order to seduce Ms Foxtrot, I should do something sexy to a tractor.

I thank you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 15:42, 5 replies)

You little bugger you.
You had me going then.
( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 15:45, closed)

Gah you bastard
Though I'd add:
1) Anyone who calls sex "pop-pop" is a retarded cunt
2) Much like anyone who watches Arrested Development*
3) Or indeed anyone who listens to Arrested Development**
and 4) Anyone who goes in for dancing lessons deserves everything they get

* The shit TV show, not the shit band
** The shit band, not the shit TV show
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:39, closed)

Not as much of a retarded cunt as anyone who can't spell a simple word like "thought" though
:-)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:44, closed)

Or retarded cunts who mistake the perfectly legitimate word "though" for the word "thought"?
;-)
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:47, closed)

Good save there
*applauds*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:51, closed)

I'll admit you had me going until the last sentence
Well played

you cunt
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:53, closed)

Thank you
I am appalled at the idea that anyone could dislike Arrested Development* though. Or dancing. Take diff'rent strokes to move the world, I guess

*The awesome American TV show, not the shit American band
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:56, closed)

I was persuaded to go for salsa lessons when I was 19
NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:59, closed)

Salsa's not dancing, it's just wiggling and twatting about
Although you sound like you enjoyed Salsa about as much as I enjoyed Yoga, so my chances of convincing you that Ballroom is a vastly superior discipline are probably very slim
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:01, closed)

I have the coordination of a broken toy robot
My sister's a dance teacher and she's tried to teach me many times

I'm quite resigned to the fact that it's never going to happen
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:08, closed)

I get the impression that you're pretty much at peace with this notion
Fair enough really, I realise it's not for everyone. At least you gay it a go rather than writing it off as "POOFY, INNIT" like most blokes
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:10, closed)

Nah man I really wish I could dance
but it's like trying to teach the Douglas Bader the long jump, sadly
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:15, closed)

It's a bit like fightin'
The only way to get better at it is to do it a lot. If you don't enjoy the practice then it's not for you, which is understandable. The best dancers make ridiculously complicated stuff look effortless, but I and my gammy knee can assure you it's not
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:18, closed)

GAY it a go?
You're not helping yourself, here.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 18:24, closed)

I can't believe I did that
Frankly that's too funny to edit out
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 8:35, closed)

hook line and tractor ,
well done and click
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:40, closed)

bugger, got me
and i was just about to say maybe it was because the dog was watching
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 18:47, closed)

Bastard...
...I have no alternative but to click this.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 1 Oct 2010, 11:18, closed)