cousins wedding. this summer. welsh coast
hadn't seen the family for ages, feel like the black sheep as they are all super bright, educated and successful. getting stoned on the way down in mums car and about half an hour away from the hotel were the wedding and reception were (in pembrook right on the edge of a cliff. stunning) and i get suddenly horrivbly nervous. stop off, buy whiskey and skin up. get out of car to see another, littlest, cousin approaching. hand her joint and scotch without thinking (she said later that was where she finally new it was going to be a good weekend). five minutes later was drunk and kept it up for the next three days.
the rest of the weekend includes harmless but memorable moments. found no one had organised me anywhere to sleep; drank two bottles of red i 'found'; sold/gave sweeties and herbs to the happy couple and they're friends and family, had some fun with charlie. was found drunkenly pretending to be a pirate after drawing a massive skulandcrossbones on beach and thinking i was alone (5am) (i'm 32); nearly got in a fight but forgot i was fighting and walked away to his annoyance. ended up putting my weekends bar tab on my cousins account for a 'joke' (which he still hasn't realised); wedding night ended with everyone under 50 getting hammered on class A's and drinking all night. had to break in at 6am so i could actually travel for 6 hours the next day. that morning i was fine but many were in a bad bad way... cue last day photographic hell. best wedding ever :)
my family are complete lushes one and all and i still became known as the 'wasted guy'. dammit ;)
lenth? yaayyy!
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:17, Reply)

My Family and Other Animals
A cousin of mine on the chavvier side of my family was getting hitched to a guy who, spookily enough, I used to score acid from until it went Class A and he decided it wasn't worth the cash. Turns out the reception was a shared 'do' in a local watering hole with another happy couple. The bride of this other couple was the daughter of a guy who, spookier still, I used to score hash from - as far as I know he's still dealing lol. This gives you a idea of the full-on chavviness of the entire affair.

So, here I am with my then (comparitively plummy) GF, watching the following events unfold:

-Groom of my cousin refuses to get up for the first dance, leaving my cousin not-too-impressed while the other couple were on the floor, and when this girl's not impressed she makes you know it, o yes.

-Groom played a blinder with the above as the music for the first dance was a drunken karaoke-esque turn by one of DealerDaughter's mates, singing 'How can I live without you' very badly indeed and closing the rendition with a slurred scream of 'Joanne, I luv yer!'

-Said mate later requested a song that had been the theme at my brother's funeral some months before - she couldn't have known, granted, but she's still a dim bitch as it visibly upset my GF and my mother. Me too, even though I was a bit more stoic about it.

-Another cousin (who once did a little too much of the Groom's acid and has never really been the same since) was overheard speculating about my uncle's part in my auntie's recent passing. Another uncle told him to 'keep that shit to yer fuckin' self or i'll send yer to join her right now' - he got the message, thankfully, especially since the uncle he was basically accusing of murder was in attendance on the night.

-Inevitable large-scale kick-off as members of either wedding party were mortal enemies 'on t'estate' (but I was pleased to note that they'd left the tyre-irons and stanley knives at home just this once)

There were other erm, high points to the evening, but I'm getting bored with length gags. GF and I made it a little more bearable thanks to another cousin, who like me, had left town years before. She brought some fine weed with her and we spent most of the latter part of the evening getting quietly toked on the benches outside with her and her BF - had to stash it for a little while when the police van arrived to cart off a handful of bloodied kick-off merchants, but still was a pleasant evening in the end.

EDIT: Oh, and I've not married the GF, as it turned out years later that I'd been totally ignorant of the fact that I'm happier whilst batting for the other team. She's my best mate now though, so still a result :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:09, Reply)

Eponymous
Did you end up sending for your ex-missus on your deathbed and declaring your eternal love for her once again even though she'd turned into a religious lunatic?

All your literary references are belong to us!
(unholysmoke, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 9:51, Reply)

I vaguely remember my aunt's wedding
I was 14. It was the perfect white Catholic wedding. I really can't remember most of it, as the reception afterward was the first time in my life I ever got utterly pissed.

I do recall stealing bottles of champagne from the tables and hanging out with a woman in her mid-40's who did nothing but complain about her husband and act like a teenager, before we stole a golf cart from the club we were at and abandoned it in the middle of the nearby neighborhood.

After the reception, I returned to the hotel with my dad, uncle, and brother, as well as several bottles of (badly) concealed champagne, where I watched my first-ever porno on PPV in a room down the hallway with some cousins I didn't even know I had. (And gave a fairly entertaining drunken rendition of the classic "birds and bees" talk to the younger members of the audience)

The evening ended with my dad and uncle (and others) smoking enough cigars in the hotel stairwell to set off the fire alarms, at which point 300 or so of my relatives (and new relatives) poured out into the parking lot in one giant, rowdy, drunken (and half- half-naked) group before converging en masse on the hotel pool/plaza, where a good 50 of us decided the best course of action to take whilst waiting for the firemen to call 'all clear' was to throw every loose object we could find into the water...

Strangely enough, this sort of thing happens every time 3 or more of my extended family members get together...

I love my family!
(Ecclesia, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 9:14, Reply)

A year ago
I went to my then girlfriend's wedding. I dumped her not long after as I was informed that she was cheating on me.
(jonnybignose, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 8:47, Reply)

Did anything go right?
My old lady was bridesmaid to what must have been the most cocked-up wedding ever.
1. Bride had put on just a tad too much weight since ordering her dress. The back wouldn't button up and had to be held close with safety pins.
2. A chunk of the family had arrived by coach. Unfortunately the wedding was in the shitiest parts of Fife, and during the service the local schemies twocked the coach and nicked 150 quid.
3. By the time the police had interviewed everyone the reception lounge had closed and the caterers had buggered off.
4. Hurriedly booking the top floor of a pub, Bridey's mum got to work baking sausage rolls.
Not funny-ha ha, just excruciatingly sad-ha ha.
(mudskipper, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 7:17, Reply)

I never was good at remembering stuff like that.
I was invited to the wedding reception of my then house tenants, Mark and Kirsty.

I said I'd be honoured to accept their invitation, so I duly turned up at the said large mansion house at the appointed time in my best bib and tucker.

It seemed to be a rather large and expensive wedding reception. I wasn't expecting to recognise anyone apart from the bride and groom, so wasn't at all perturbed by not seeing anyone there I recognised. I just didn't see Mark or Kirsty there. No problem I thought, they must just be in one of the other rooms changing or whatever - I'd eventually bump into them sooner or later..

Anyway, whilst mingling, I kept seeing this fine-looking girl in a bridal-type dress. Thinking it must have been one of them posh do's where the bridesmaids wear similar dresses to the bride, I just presumed her to be one of the bridesmaids who hadn't yet changed, as Kirsty was the bride and she would be appearing anytime soon.

Anyway, a rather tasty meal, and free finger buffets came and went. Beers flowed a-plenty.
I got a little less formal.
In my now pissed state I decided to have a crack at trying to get off with this bridesmaid on her next flit past the bar.
She didn't seem to appreciate my drunk advances, and for some reason I also got quite a few disapproving stares from various family members of the party within earshot.

After that, (and a few more beers) I left.


The next time I saw the happy couple back after their honeymoon, the first thing they asked me was "Were you not at the reception?".

"I was there. On the Saturday; in the mansion, like you said"
"Saturday? Our reception was on the Friday."

Doh!!

PS: From now on I've resolved to never try and get inside the knickers of another man's bride on her wedding day - unless she's marrying me, or she's gagging for it.
(Felchman, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 2:37, Reply)

Well it all started...
when i moved to oxford. I failed to get into the uni, an my main squeeze married this other bloke so feeling a bit mis I hooked up with this bird i used to knock boots with. She got me mashed on all this fantastic booze in the pub she worked at, then took me back to her place. Her whole chuffing family was there and we turned it into a right old shindig. Well, we partied all night, and come morning blow me if I hadn't married the wench! Again!
( eponymous Oh!, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 0:21, Reply)

Noooooo!!!!!
This QOTW brings back the bad memories of when I got briefly married. I never intended to get married, it just kind of happened one day...

...my girlfriend had been avoiding me for ages, then out of the blue she phoned up and invited me round to meet her parents, who she lived with in this piddly little house in a railway tunnel somewhere. She didn't seem too happy when I got there, and when I went inside the most horrible silence descended on the place; any conversation that may have been forthcoming died and made horrible rattling noises. Her mum was not at all friendly and did nothing to help the conversation; she thought I was an idiot. Then her dad came in - he was just the opposite, he talked too much... The dinner followed - it was chicken, except the chickens had been man-made in a factory somewhere (as her dad said, "they're the strangest damned things!") and as her dad had crippled his arm and couldn't feel a thing, he got me to do the carving. The chicken started wriggling and spurting all sorts of black stuff, and her mum flipped out and ran screaming into the kitchen; she followed soon after, in tears. That put me alone with her dad, and once more the conversation was brutally slain by his bizarre fixed grin. Then her mum comes out again, and demands a word with me; this turned out to be a demand to know whether my girlfriend and I had had sexual intercourse. I was annoyed at this and told her it was none of her business. She said I'd be in bad trouble if I didn't co-operate - sure enough, she started to chew on my neck, and I called my girlfriend over, who pulled her mum off me. It turned out there was a baby (premature), and I was the father. Hence was my marriage arranged on the spot, and it all went downhill from there. Oh and to crown it all, I then got a fucking nosebleed!...

...and if you believed all that, then you've never seen Eraserhead and you've just believed the biggest pile of shit I've chatted for many a year!
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 23:34, Reply)

Oh dear
I don't know why I feel compelled to tell you this.

It was my Mothers wedding to my Stepdad, nice enough guy, she lives in Germany, so I flew out after picking my own bridesmaid outfit. If you were having a ten year old bridesmaid, would you let her choose her own outfit?! Se hated it, and didn't have any problem telling me :(

On the morning of the wedding, we were walking up the steps of the registry office when I walked straight into one of those bars you hang an hanging basket on. It really hurt. A lot. I was trying to be brave/not cause a scene, but couldn't help myself silently crying.

My mum thought I was overcome with emotion, at the time that couldn't be further from the truth, as we've only just started speaking after about 6 years (although thats another story).
( dub-girl, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 21:35, Reply)

Shoosh then :P
You knew what I meant :P
(Order 66, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 17:13, Reply)

Order 66
What!

You mean she's taking advanced bookings for her womb?


*cough*
(cherry B, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 16:17, Reply)

One
of the barmaids under my family's employ is to be wed to the regular who's knocked her up in the next few weeks, the little hussy.

The theme colour for the outfits?

Pink.

Yes.

I win.
(Order 66, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 16:10, Reply)

when i was a kid
went to my cousins wedding when i was younger, and couldnt understand why the brided and groom went upstars to their hotel room so early. so i gathered some more of my younger family, and spent the rest of the evening playing nock down ginger on their bridel suit room, before being chased away by the best man who my cousin had called to keep guard outside thait room!
(leftehhhh, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 15:43, Reply)

crackin
got drunk before the 'ceremony' at the registry office. Put the ring on my wife's wrong finger, but apart from that, went without a hitch.

At the reception, there were only a few fights (as some of our respective family's didn't get on (and still dont after 22yrs)), her wanky mother saying it would never last, and the members of her family who are vegetarians, sticking fingers down their throat after someone (!?!?!) used pork fat instead of margarine on the cheese sandwiches .


great
(bear trappers hat, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 15:42, Reply)

Oh how appropriate ..
My own wedding - all went well and I even ended the night fairly sober (so I could 'perform' later) - Great.
M-in-L edited the wedding video at home and added some music over the top - Endless Whisper and then followed by Don't you want me (it was the 1980's) What was she thinking !!
Didn't work - still together 12 years and two kids later!
(chopper602, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 15:27, Reply)

Brilliant
My sister's bridesmaid fainted - just like in You've Been Framed. As if that wasn't funny enough, as she lay there on the church floor, she did a HUGE fart. It sounded like god himself had dropped one and the entire congregation fought back the laughter throughout the ceremony.
(skindley, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 15:21, Reply)

I'm a Dj,
and back when i was young and stupid, I used to do the mobile circuit and was regularly employed by a big hotel to do all their functions,which mainly consisted of Weddings.

Most of them usually went without a hitch, although you always got the brides dad or mum having a go because they wanted to hear Bridge over troubled water or the bridesmaids wanting some hardcore rave techno 160bpm song that would probably makes old granny hubbard's packemaker go into spasms. but most of the time you pay a bit of crap and a few new songs and keep most of them happy, job done.

One particular wedding disco that sticks in my mind was a couple who seemed about that same age as me, clearly forced into it, the brides dress, slightly baggy and lumpy around the tummy region and the groom in his army number ones looking embarassed all night. Her side of the family seemed quite respectable and quiet, but his were pretty run of the mill chavs and he had brought his full squadron of army pals with him for a right old piss up.

There must have been 20 of them all together all suited in their best army togs and up for a mad night.
I could sense it was going to be a bit of a dodgy night when 3 barrels of Stella, the good old wife-beater juice were consumed in the first hour of the bar being opened, I was told by the nervous and equally young bar manager.

After the traditional cutting of the cake and first dance, the biggest of the army spods came to me and demanded Madness, not wanting to argue with this meathead who was trained to kill I nervously complied.
Immediatly all 20 of them ran to the dancefloor and started jumping around and nutting each other,once it was over he asked for more Madness, so I again complied and then afterwards i moved onto something else to get the rest of the people up. This wasnt good enough for these lot, who all approached the disco and started shouting for more Madness, I told them I would play some more later, to give everyone else a chance, but this clearly wasnt going to pacify them and they started kicking the lights and speakers.

The brides father then came to see what the problem was, he clearly agreed with me and told the guys to sit down, they werent having any of it and one guy lamped him and knocked the poor guy onto his arse. His brother got up and came running and he too got chinned. This started a chain reaction which involved all the disco equipment, being thrown around the room, tables upturned, glasses smashed, 2 ambulances, 3 police vans and a tub of vaseline to remove a microphone from a place it wasnt supposed to go.

Me? Well as the equipment belonged to the hotel, I picked up my music, and slowly nipped out the fire exit behing me, laughing my tits off all the way as I'd been paid in advance. Result.

Aplogies for length, and for Gloria Gaynor at every wedding disco, ever.
( Andytomaz wazzing my way, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 13:41, Reply)

I work at a hotel where they have lots of weddings....
I have one funny story of which I would like to relate.
The groom was in a wheelchair, The best man stood up to make his speech, turned to the groom and said "Remember how you always one the 100 meters in sports day? Well you not running anywhere fast now are you? NO!"
(mr.BIG I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 13:39, Reply)

another wedding...
... years ago, i went to my then girlfriend's brother's wedding.

i (ballroom)danced with the gf's cousin (you're right it's always the cousins) who i did fancy. a lot. even gf's parents noticed that we were getting on far too well.

from the bollocking i got afterwards you could have thought i'd shagged her.

i wish i had.

sounds boring now. sorry.
( bierbelly, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 13:22, Reply)

My upcoming Nuptials ...
... are now frightening the shit out of me after reading this board. I get married in six weeks.

No family punch ups expected, even though my lot out-number his two to one.

But I'll have the warm fuzzy sensation of having known the chief bridemaid, best man, and one of witnesses biblically, when making my vows to my husband.

EDIT: not literally, whilst making my vows. Just cos it's not a church do doesn't mean those sorts of shennanigans are acceptable.
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 12:43, Reply)

My wedding...
Whilst stood at the alter with the good lady wife, all we could hear from behind us was this blubbing and sobbing. We both naturally assumed it would be my mother, but I glanced round at an opportune moment only to see my mother with a face like thunder and my father making all the noise as he was rather 'tired and emotional' from drinking gin and tonics since 9.00 that morning.

All the post wedding photos show my father wearing pitch black sunglasses to cover the red eyes, he looks like a blind man.

At the reception he made it through the meal but my brother (the best man) and I had to take him to bed when he started to slump into the desserts. He missed all the speeches and finally re-appeared just as we were leaving in the taxi for the airport. It was nice to see him.

Best bit was when we got back from honeymoon to find out that my parents and my aunt and uncle had been ejected from the reception hotel at about 2.00am for letting of fire extinguishers. They vehemently deny doing any such thing, but do admit to 'moving' one around!

First post , yippe, and probably last.

Length and girth always quoted in centimetres, makes me feel better.
(anon_is_best, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 11:43, Reply)

Make it end.
I know a man who at his own wedding gave a little speech towards the end of the reception thanking everyone involved in the organisation of the day, both sets of parents, his new wife, etc. A very nice speech unitl he ended with the immortal line...

"I've had a great day...but this wasn't it."

He then spent the rest of the evening shouting "Make it end!"

Why do people spend some much time planning weddings down to the smallest detail. Spending thousands of pounds on "the most perfect day of their lives". Then pour as much free booze in to people as possible. Really, what are they expecting?
(Second Cousin Of All Evil, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 10:12, Reply)

Cousins Wedding
My cousin got married a few a few years back and with half the family having Lebanese roots decided to have an Arabian theme to it. All the tables at the reception where lowered to the floor and people sat around on cushions. The tables also had Argillies (Hubbly Bubblys , bongs etc) on them. They where filled with nice aromatic tobaccos for the guests to enjoy after the meal.

I however took out the tobacco and filled it instead with some wacky backy and then put in some of the normal tobacco to hide the smell for me and my younger cousins to enjoy. As I finished doing this the father of the bride came swooping past and took it out of my hands placing it on the grandparents table.

I just stood there open mouthed as I watched them smoke away.
Half an hour later we had these golden oldies busting moves on the dance floor, giggling like a loons and generally having the time of their lives.

The groom was actually pretty pleased with it all.
(El Wapo, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 10:10, Reply)

Quality
Imagine sitting at the wedding reception table, looking onto the top table, and my girlfriend knowing that I had actually shagged both the bride and the 2 bridemaids.


Pure Quality
(Axe murderer, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 10:05, Reply)

Too much cola
Must have been about 6 or 7 and went to my mum's friend's wedding. Managed to get drunk at the reception on Coca-Cola (yes no alcohol) and pissed my pants on the dance floor.

Remember waking up in a taxi home half-dressed. Shirt? Yes. Bow-tie? Yes. Waistcoat? Yes. Trousers and underpants? No. Cock hanging out? Yes.
(Eertamai, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 9:53, Reply)

My Wedding
I cycled to my own wedding on a 30 year old 1970's Raleigh Chopper with no brakes. Huzzah!
( noodle monkey the cheese junky, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 9:46, Reply)

long ago and far away...
...i worked for a friend who occasionally hired me to help him photograph weddings. there were three of us this one hot, sweaty day, in some sort of strange, orthodoxy eastern european-dominated catholic church in toronto. i was shooting video from the altar, and when the ceremony ended i had to pack up that camera and run through the basement, popping up at the rear of the church to help shoot the recessional.

while running through the basement i saw something odd out of the corner of my eye, and noted that i'd have to come back when i was finished to see just what it was. an hour or so later we were done at the church, and had a bit of a break before we began to shoot the standard bride-amongst-the-flowers shots at a local garden. i went back to the basement of the church and found the odd object -- it was, as i'd suspected/feared, a dog's head on a stick (a great long wooden pike, actually). it was standing in what looked to be a huge pile of theatrical props, but if it was a fake, it was the best fake i've ever seen (and none of the other props were nearly so realistic). it was an alsatian and looked quite beaten up and weathered, as if it had been banged around quite a bit.

i was standing there, quite shocked, wondering what sort of perverse rite the churchfolk used it in, when a pope or bishop or some sort of churchy official came in the room and angrily ordered me out, stating that the basement was strictly out of bounds. i never did get a good chance to get hold of the head and examine it, but i still think the damned thing was real, and that these freaks were busy conjuring up satan or some other of their bizarre deities to wreak vengeance upon the world.
( postbear has metal knees, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 6:36, Reply)

I went to a wedding once...
It was shit, some guy said some crappy vows, followed by another guy, and i had to kill them for being unnatural bastards....

Then i got fired from the church.....
(robthedude, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 0:12, Reply)

Last weekend…
so very relevant, was maid of honour for friend. At reception I noticed brides mother had a label still firmly attached to the back of the collar of her outfit. being from a posh boutique it was one of those ropy string labels, not plastic whih you could rip. I offered to help, I didn't have any scissors so got me zippo out. she had quite a lot of hairspray on…


she had a feathery hat on so you could hardly tell.
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 23:54, Reply)