Always the bridesmaid
I was once appointed Chief of Bridesmaid Operations of Honor or whatever the fuck menas most important person after the bride and groom at a wedding (best man can fuck right off). Now, I wasn't in chagre of the rings or keeping the Vicar sober but I did have one vital responsibility (apparently) that I failed in miserably. 'Keep the bride presentable'

Now, I ask you, is it my fault that, with ten minutes to go till kick off, the bride developed a rampant case of the shits? Would that we had a disabled toilet to hand with the requisite space and,er, propping-stuff-up poles. But no, the archaic country church the happy couple chose provided merely a tall shoebox space that threatened the occupancy of a single bridal bumcheek, let alone the complete arse and metric fuckton of unecessary lace that was enough to spare blushes in another dimension.

And, again, is it my fault that said Bride was born without the necessary Mr Fantastic arms to do the post-pebble-dashing duty? NO. It was left to me and a Crystal Maze worthy assault course of porcelain and lace with a shit-encrusted 'jewel' to ensure the bride wasn't walking up the aisle with the leftovers of her own generous 'aisle' flecked all over her lacy derriere like a rejected Stone Roses album cover. I failed and Bride of Frankenshite was born.
( Ms Shenanigans put something interesting here later, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 15:15, 11 replies)

You're a total let down. CLICK

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 17 Nov 2014, 15:24, closed)

Wait . . .
are you saying you had to wipe the brides liquid shit splattered arse for her?

I don't know whether to be horrified or to ask Rome to cannonise you.
(username failed moderation, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 15:41, closed)

Tell us more about your fetishes.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 17 Nov 2014, 16:02, closed)

That's next weeks
question.
(username failed moderation, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 16:36, closed)

i don't know whether she is
but i can tell you that i also had to help my friend yank her bridal knickers back up after she also got a last minute case of the shit panics. this is because the dress was so voluminous in terms of skirts and laces and other such things.

i didn't have to wipe anything, but i had to fucking smell it, and i had my nose planted right in her butt cheek trying to find the other side of the pants.

we've been best mates for 30 years. that was the definite low point.

the last wedding i went to, the bride wore a knee length dress. i was most relieved.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 18:33, closed)

Most relieved?
technically the bride was relieved of more than you.
(Bosch balls, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 14:14, closed)

Oh, god: that's horrible.
*click*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 16:34, closed)

*click*

(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 17:38, closed)

Wins QOTW
because of correct scat to hummus ratio.
(lurkylurklurk swings more, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 18:28, closed)

click for the imagery

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 19:14, closed)