Facts of Life
I think I was about 16 when my mum decided we needed to have "The Talk". She started by asking if I knew about sex. I replied with "What do you want to know?".

I still had my v-plates at the time, but being a librarian at school meant I had access to all sorts of educational material. That, and the fact that our sex education teacher (for one lesson) was the hot English teacher.

I'll never forget her slapping an open condom into the palm of her hand and saying, "What's this?". That totally shocked the entire class out of our immature giggles. Someone said "A condom, Miss?" and she replied scornfully with, "No, I want the other names, you know, johnny, rubber, all that stuff!".

Anyway, my mum asked me a few questions, I answered them, she suggested I knew more than her, we never spoke of it again.
(kiwanotree Meh, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 17:10, Reply)

about fukken time
i was seeing a guy for a year before things went a bit up the shiznitter. after repeated attempts to corner him to discuss how to fix things i gave up and told him we needed a break from each other.

Cue the usual not see each other for a week or two, meet for a drink and whoops get a bit drunk and have sex, sort of get back together, argue more, not see each other for a bit more, etc etc etc.

Then we go for a walk and he sits me down and says "i think we need to talk..."





gee... ya think?

it was a bit late for that though so i got rid... back to the trusty rabbit...
( greenish, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 15:40, Reply)

an actual email from the bedshitting ex...
the penultimate chapter in the bedshitter saga: the one where the bedshitter fucks off to stay with his ex in korea for 2 weeks and can't see why rachelswipe has a problem with this. in fact, when whinging because i walked out of his flat without putting out first, "oh go on, then she'll be getting your sloppy seconds."

his reason? "although i haven't seen her for about 3 years, i need to know if there's a chance of it going anywhere". so you can imagine how thrilled i was to receive this email from the self-deluded ugly incontinent fuckwit 3 days after he arrived:

"OK - prepare to piss yourself laughing.

Ready??

I get to Korea on Sunday after an 18 hour flight and first up **** tells me she will be out of town "with the band" for a few nights. Romance ain't dead in this place methinks.

She reappears yesterday and is decidedly off with me. We go for a drink and she then tells me that she has fallen in love with an American tattoo artist but instead of telling me this over the phone or e-mail or carrier pigeon (or any means of communication that didn't involve me travelling 7 thousand fucking miles) she preferred to tell me face to face. You can imagine how I creamed myself with gratitude at the purity of this sentiment.

Am now stuck in her flat trying to get an earlier flight home while she's with ATA doing Lord Knows What. Luckily I'd brought the CDs you made for me but unfortunately due to some ghastly power cut her CD player doesn't seem to work.

Just want to get out of this place where the Devil and his children still walk with earthly feet in plastic sandals and eat dog for breakfast.

Have a laugh on and at me. Forward this to anyone and you die. I really do wish you were here and can't wait to see you.

Yours feeling ever so slightly like a bit of a twat,

Bedshitting C*nt"

as my friend caro remarked: "lost money, lost face and lost all his holiday time. there is a god." if i ever go to korea i will buy that girl a pint.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 15:07, Reply)

A complete lack of "we need to talk"...
About 20 minutes ago, my friend found out her relationship had ended by her now-ex changing his status on facebook to 'single.' So now it seems you don't even have to hear the words "we need to talk" to feel like utter shit.

Cowards. What wonderful people.
(thants, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 14:40, Reply)

posh
me: a a working class lad from south london.
she: daughter of a swiss scientist nobel nominee who had bought her a house in west kensington.

woke up in morning with hangover after night out together:

her: we need to talk.
me: er, ok
her: you fell off the bed last night and proceeded to sleep on the floor.
me: er
her: i tried to help you back onto the bed saying "come on honey you need to get back into bed" and you swung at me and said "you're just so fucking posh!"

different classes
(twistngo, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 13:54, Reply)

Damned right we needed to talk!
We were due to get married on the 2nd of august 2003. The below happened on 30th of June 2003. Yes, that is less than 5 weeks before the wedding. Yes everything was paid for.
I’d been concerned that something wasn’t right, but despite the insistence from me that we talk, she was all ‘ no no it’s all cool, still love you etc, still want to be mrsOg, still want your babies’. So why was she on the phone in the middle of the night?
Turns out she needed to talk, but not to me, to a school friend of mine who it appears was coming up on the weekends that I was working, and spending time at my house, in my shower, in my bed, with my fiancée. Bastard
When I woke up in the morning, something made me check her phone, and the messages that were on there coupled with the call history told me all I needed to know. I woke her up with a ‘we need to talk’ and she still insisted there was nothing wrong.
Long story short, I kicked her out, wedding off, bought her out the house. Cost me thick end of £30k for the lot but worth every penny.
Epilogue.
For a while I kept in contact with this so called mate, and warned him what he was getting himself into. For in the few months after this while I was single, I realised what a selfish manipulative cheating slapper she was.
One day I called him and told him that we needed to talk. I told him that, some years previously, she had got pregnant after telling me that she was on the pill but wasn’t taking it, then having an abortion against my wishes. He thought this was me shit stirring.
Anyway, their kid is 2 and a half now (do the maths, she didn’t hang about) now, and they are getting married this summer, and he doesn’t really want to so I understand.
Mmmm Karma
Click ‘I like this’ if you want to come to my wedding this summer. This one isn’t cheating, is better in bed, and is generally all round cool...
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 13:30, Reply)

true story

the post below reminded me: my then-girlfriend was physically ejecting me from her house for some crime against Her Nuttiness, when I said "but I've got to go to the toilet". She said "piss in the street like the dog you are!". Then she laughed. Then she realised she was losing her anger, so she revved herself up to get more angry, and repeated "piss in the street like the dog you are!" in a serious tone.

We're not going out any more.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 13:10, Reply)

Do we really?
her: we have to talk

me: i dont 'have' to do anything

her: but we do have to talk

me: you're not my mum, piss off

job done...
(Lonesome Bulldog, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 12:39, Reply)

piss on my face
i'd just got back into the house after the lad's boozy weekend in the lakes to find my girlfriend in a huge mood - as we didnt live in the same country at the time, she'd made a surprise visit, let herself in, and stewed the whole weekend in her own anger juices whilst i'd drank myself silly. naturally i hadn't called, so this was a major crime scene.

so i come in, and i get the "we need to talk" screamed at me. not wanting to argue, only needing a pee and a good sleep, i grunted a reply and wandered off to the toilet, which just made her worse.

so i was having a piss, with the door locked and her shouting at me from the outside. suddenly she kicks it in, and starts screaming at me. the conversation proceeded hence:

me: I'm trying to have a piss

her (screaming): you! piss? piss? oh! piss on my face!

cue huge snort of laughter from my pal who'd just come in and caught the end of the argument. 8 years later and we're happily married, but she's never lived it down.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 9:39, Reply)

QUOTE
"our personalities, interests and general likes and dislikes are like penguins and polar bears".

Try bonding over over fish, and also snow.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 9:12, Reply)

horrible experience

Not only was he shagging someone else - it was his brother!

Never go out with Winston Smith.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 8:17, Reply)

after three months with Noam Chomsky

"Noam, we have to talk"

"Yes. And given the basic grammatical structure common to all human languages, we have to talk using any of a limited set of grammar rules."

"So - what you're saying is it's not you, it's me?"

"well, it's all humans."

"Yes, well, all humans aren't looking at Naomi Klein's arse when I'm trying to have a serious discussion Noam."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 8:16, Reply)

breaking up with Koko the gorilla

"bottle - green - bamboo - funny"

"what do you mean you need more space?"

"finger - bracelet - parrot - banana"

"I knew it! You cheating bitch!"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 8:12, Reply)

Overly Dramatic Best Friend
I have a best friend that I love dearly, she's been there for me through thick and thin. In saying that, we have very little in common, our personalities, interests and general likes and dislikes are like penguins and polar bears.
At least once a week she'd call or txt me with a OMG we HAVE to talk (or a similar permutation), so i'd do what i could to change my schedule, get my work done, or brush off other friends, so I could see what was up with her.
It was always one of two things....
a Boy/work/family related minor scandal - always amusing but never urgent
a Pregnancy scare.
The latter happened at least once a fortnight and every second time I had to go to the doctor and ask for a morning after pill as she had been too often and the doctors "look at her like shes a dirty slut"

Everyone needs a friend like me.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 5:49, Reply)

That's easy
I can't talk because i'm a cripple with a stiched up mouth and i puke through my nose when i need to.

My chin strap with a stick lets me type tho.

Any chance of a shag?
(Dagnamski The New Loud, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 5:47, Reply)

I knew that things weren't going very well with Aristotle

when he sat me down and told me that "humans are by nature social beings, and the possession of rational speech (logos) in itself leads us to social union", and apparently he'd been shagging someone else.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 4:18, Reply)

Me: "What's the best thing about sex with a five year old?"
Her: "... ..."
Me: "You get to kick it to death in the woods afterwards"
Her: "... ..."
Me: "Ok, we have to talk"

Get a sense of humour, you uptight wench.
(mmmkay, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 1:34, Reply)

They fuck me up, his mum and dad...
I'd been going out with my then boyfriend for nearly a year. Two days after both going out to Israel to start our gap year studies (about 200 metres away from each other) he calls me up and gives me the 'we need to talk' line.

My heart immediately sinks and my stomach starts to get the 'kicked in with hobnailed boots' feeling. We meet up.

He's nervous and on edge, and so am I. We get shit pizza that tastes of cardboard and then we talk. He starts saying that he thinks we should break up. I ask why. He gives me a reason that doesn't really makes sense. I tell him why it doesn't make sense. He agrees, and gives me another reason that doesn't make sense. I tell him that one doesn't really work either. He agrees, and it continues in this vein through several more reasons. I decide it's all getting a bit odd.

"Look, you keep giving me all these reasons, but none of them make any sense, they don't stand up to argument, and they don't sound like the real reasons for anything! You haven't actually told me WHY you want to break up. You haven't said anything about how you feel - if you don't think it's working, or if you don't love me, or..."

At this point he breaks down and in a sort of flood of guilt and released pressure he says that actually his parents had been nagging him for months to break up with me. Recently they'd upped the pressure and that the reasons he'd given were arguments they'd used for us breaking up, which was mainly why they were unconvincing and why he was unable to support them himself.

I was slightly shell-shocked.

"But...what do you want?"
"...I want to marry you."

It was at this point that we decided to tell his parents we'd broken up to get them off his back, but keep on going out regardless. Then realising that other people we knew also existed and would report conflicting stories to his parents, we pretended to all the English people that we'd broken up, and carried on in secret 'cloak and dagger style', abandoning the whole charade several months later and just forgetting to care about whether they knew or not.

The wedding's on the 1st of July.

Click 'I like This' if you think I should reject all attempts of his mother to try and be 'chummy' and 'my friend' and make out that she's really always on my side and just like us 'young people'.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 0:51, Reply)

keep it simple
her: so how are you feeling about us?
me: really good
her: i disagree

have to admit that was genius in brevity.
(bollox, not again, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 23:34, Reply)

A Dump To Save A Dump
I'd been seeing this girl for a bit. She'd been pissing me about, blowing hot and cold on the relationship front and despite me being my considerate self, throwing any nice gestures I'd made back in my face.

I was sensing she wanted to end it, and after a tip-off from a mutual friend my thoughts were confirmed. So, I had an odd, but potentially effective plan...

Her (about to do the dumping): "We need to have a talk."
Me (knowing what's about to happen, but needing to drop a load): "No, you need to have a talk, I need to have a shit."
Her (shocked at my sudden riposte): "Oh, right."
Me ('VICTORY IS MINE'): "So, I'll see you around, maybe."
Her (Crushed in defeat): "Er, yeah."

Never saw her after that. Found out she'd got knocked up later and had to have an abortion. Damaged goods.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 23:06, Reply)

I'm a giver and a taker... but the giving is funnier
I once dumped a girlfriend two hours after meeting her parents. I didn't have the heart to phone up and say "I can't come to dinner because I want to dump you later". But I REALLY didn't want to sleep with her again.

It have a lot of regrets. One is that I didn't dump that one sooner, and another is that I started seeing her in the first place.

If I don't write much more, I expect there will be thousands of bunny boilers who think Blair's Love Child is their ex. They might even pay them a visit. Watch the crime stats from this one.
(blairslovechild, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 22:31, Reply)

girls should not have to hear those words
He said "we have to talk" as I tried to lure him further onto my bed with half a bottle of pinot grigio and the fact that I wasn't wearing any knickers. Didn't work though, so I got the full rambling, stumbling explanation of why it was a bad idea to have casual and meaningless dirty, hot sex with each other, despite having done it many times before with great success*. For the love of all that is holy, man, that is NOT the time to get a conscience.

Got my own back though, when next he stuck his tongue down my throat and begged for a shag. Yeah, I showed him alright**. Ha!

(*waves hello, in case he's reading this)
(**showed him how desperate I was for yet more sex)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 22:12, Reply)

Well..
I'm pretty successful at avoiding these situations.

Basically, all you have to do is rapidly change the subject roughly 5 seconds into the start of the conversation (eg, I have IBS, and i must locate a restroom right now), just try and guess how bad the conversation is by the tone of said persons voice, and make a split second decision and briefly interrupt with a problem of your own which should sound much more serious and urgent.

I got out of one with my dad by using the good old 'I need a shit very badly' excuse.

This only gave me 10 minutes to think about the situation though.

It was about my drunken ramblings the night before.
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 21:55, Reply)

On both ends of this topic...
On the dumpee side:
I took a cross country trip to see my mum and of course right before I go my car dies. I replace the clutch and then after a bit of nap I get the girl and her cat. After a days driving I drop the girl and cat off with her 'rents. She gives me a funny look and hands me a bag of condoms. Odd as all hell I thought. I went on driving a couple more days and finally get to my mums. Visit her the first time in a few years and then after 4 days I take off back towards home. I pick up the girl and cat at about a day's drive and she's odd. We stop at a burger joint to get some food and at this point she gives me the "we have to talk" bit after she has the keys to the car. I'm shocked as a result of this because I'm dead tired but it's life. On the whole way back her cat doesn't go to her at all and sits on me for the ride home. :) Even when she called it repeatedly. aahh.

On the other end, it was coming up on my second wedding aniversary and I wanted out. (not the same girl, much worse) She couldn't clean, cook or work but was quite good at sleeping around. Why did I get with her? well, I was in the army... Anyways, I fill out the divorce paper work myself, she goes out on a night on the town and I pack up some of my stuff and leave.


Result. :) Divorce went through 5 days after my birthday so every year I celebrate doubly.
(armednuclearterrorist, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 20:30, Reply)

When I said, "we need to talk", the other sausage said, "arrrgh, a talking sausage!" and that was the end of that.
( giant_squid, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 20:06, Reply)

Drama Queens
People who use the phrase "we need to talk" are simply drama queens, seeking a bit of attention and wanting to recreate some scene from an el wanky soap opera (Hollyoaks, Home and Away, The OC etc etc). The phrase is quite often said via email or text, leaving some time before the "talk" can take place. But you know damn fucking well what the "talk" is about, hence the user of the phrase being a dumb fuck of a human being who needs a bitch slap for being so damn preppy. Best way to deal with this is to use the well known phrase "FUCK OFF KNOBHEAD".

Ah that felt good
(angelica666, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 19:26, Reply)

hmm
I've never had one of those talks.
Maybe its because I'm so good in a relationship.
or, more likely, its because I haven't had a girlfriend in far too long.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 18:45, Reply)

The first girl I properly slept with
We both left the relationship technically virgins, but her friends gave us their apartment for two weeks, so we played house and did quite a bit "up to a point." A few weeks later, she felt we needed to talk and ended it with "I think of you like a brother."
My only lasting regret is that I was too polite to say what occurred to me at the time: "You obviously come from a much closer family than I do."
Have run into her some 20 years later and am glad she ended it -- turns out my friends were right. I was on a diet for an ulcer at the time, and they figured she was part of it and nicknamed her "Bland Cathy."
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 17:27, Reply)

Various times
One of which was when I was 14. My aunt, with whom I live, came to me and said "We need to talk."

Fuck! Police been round to tell her about all the porn I'd been looking at? All the files I'd downloaded illegally?

"I've left some tissues in your room and I've had to throw your duvet out. Please don't do it again."

I didn't realise that after the 2 years of wanking and wiping my man goo on the inside of my duvet, it had turned a horrible and crusty shade of yellow. Ew.

I use tissues now, or even printing paper when stocks are low.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 15:06, Reply)

2 years ago...
I was in my final year at uni and had been seeing an amazing lady in the year below me for a few months. I thought everything was fine and she invited me to a flat party at hers on the weekend. Everyone was having fun and well on the way to getting wasted, when she said she had to tell me something. She looked me in the eye and said "we can never be together.... because you claim to be invincible". I dunno if that means she had some elaborate plan to kill me or something, I never found out in the end. I'm in a different country now though.

At least she didn't complain about my length though.
(CopyConstructor, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 15:05, Reply)