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This is a question I met a weirdo on the interweb

Now, I've met lots of nice people on the internet - but it's the weird ones that stick in your mind. Such as the guy who borrowed a film off me in Cambridge and turned out to be so smelly, so hairy, so nervous and, well, so downright needy that I've never bothered getting it back.

Tell us about the strange people you've met on the internet.

(, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 9:31)
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Turned out well
My aunt met my now uncle on teh interweb. They rock! My latest squeeze is a b3tn. Think meeting people may be a good idea!
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 20:31, Reply)

(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 19:03, Reply)
freeky sh*t
i dont use msn messenger a lot so i was quite surprised when somebody butts in with those pop-up things asking me to speak with them so i do that, reluctantly leving my game i was playing, (funky truck 4WD).
so i start talking to this weirdo and he says that he is somewhere near las vegas in a small hut looking out with hi-powered binoculars into area 51.
to fuck with that, but then some thing ultra frickin' weird happens; he says translate this, and gives me a bunch of letters, then he promptly logs out.
so then i think to hell with it and translate it.
turns out it was a phone no. cant remember it now but when i phoned it up it started crackling, it wasn't your ordinary annoying white-noise crackle, it was like a pattern, this was very weird, indeed.
decided not to follow it up any more, and i started playing my game again :-)
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 18:40, Reply)
met a guy on the internet, few chat sessions,nothing serious, then next thing i know he is flying from israel to holland with his buddy and some goddamn idea that i was his wife to be! get real mister.....quite freaky though....plus you finally understand why these guys like photoshop so much,....no resemblance to his picture on the web...yaaaaassssessss
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 17:10, Reply)
I wish it was an urban legend...
Only 2 weeks ago.

I started chatting a girl on a yahoo chatroom. She has a webcam and looks like your girl next door if a bit slim.
I get her number and phone her, everything clean so far. We get on fairly well and decide to meet the day after at 9pm, once she finishes work (8 PM, hostipal shift).
Just as I was about to leave home, she calls me saying:

- Before you get on your way, there is something I want to tell you. I understand if you don't want to meet me...

Me (slightly worried): What is it?

- I'm a transexual.

Needless to say I did not meet her/him. That night, I slept with my back to the wall and hugging my pillow.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 16:30, Reply)
Misread title.
I was lazily chatting on a web site chat room. I put in my normal stupid login name like Peter File, just to see if anyone got it. All of a sudden. A lovely message came from Chrissy CD. Now, being slightly sheltered from all this web speak at the time, I thought this particular person was from County Durham, or some else that has CD as intials. For example, the people from Florida used FL. One thing led to another and we were hitting the gutter talking dirty to each other. Then the request for photos came. I jumped at the chance. Eagerly with my free hand I reached to the download button only to find what could be descried as a Tommy Vance lookaliky person wearing a black miniskirt and his meat and two veg dangling for the world to see. The studded dog collar was the last of my worries as he sraddled the bed with a sign saying "chrissy wants you". Little did I know that CD stood for cross dreasser, and some fucker could have told me sooner.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 15:44, Reply)
If you're reading this, Sorry C but you were mean to me
Had a few e-relationships in my time, all with people living 3000 odd miles away in the US which makes it a bit hard no?

I got serious with one girl C, eventually making plans to fly out and meet up. I should've twigged something was wrong when all she would talk about was a guy called D from her college class. "D's got alcohol problems, D's doing coke etc." I told her if he was troublesome maybe she should keep her distance.

Did she? Nah, about a week before I was due to fly out she revealed she and he, C & D, had been having sex regularly for a while. How did I find out? She posted it on one of the message boards I visit. I confronted her and she suggested we should take a break from each other but if I wanted, if things with D didn't work out, we could get back together.

Some fucking nerve.

It's not all bad news on the intraweb dating front though. I met and fell in love with another Merkin soon after. She ended up moving to the UK and we've been married for a year now. Makes me wonder how many of us actually get things right with the weirdos and live happily ever after.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 15:43, Reply)
Someone once added me on MSN.
They didn't appear online for days after adding me. Judging by their address, they appeared to be called Bertie Phelps. Eventually they came online, and after not replying for a while, they admitted to getting my address from my b3ta profile. I don't know what their b3ta username is, so "Bertie", if you're reading this, I blocked you because you're a twat.

P.S. Bertie - your MSN space is poo and Blink 182 are shit.
Gah. These things wind me up easily.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 15:09, Reply)
Oh and
Anyone who has the word "Sexy" in their online handle probably has a face that makes my penis cry.

Toodles, Baz -x-
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 14:31, Reply)
All I can say is :
General rule of thumb for meeting people on teh interweb.

1) Get Picture
2) Add 10 Years
3) Add 10 Stone
4) Add Cellulite
5) Add a smidgen of annoying facial hair on women.
6) Add oddball personality.
7) Add obsession with something really odd eg. Barry Manilow Anal Fetish Nights
8) Expect everything they say to be a glorified lie (Bob : Yeah I work as a manager for Microsoft when in fact he wipes dogs asses for 10p an hour)

Then pretty much you will have a good idea of how good they are going to be (usually have a screw lose or a paedo/serial killer)

Toodles, Baz -x-
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 14:30, Reply)
The only person I've met
is a nice girl from Devon. Although I spose that's bad enough.
Oddly she goes to University about 5 miles from my old house.
Stalkeresk I spose.
I don't know why but I just *had* to share.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 12:19, Reply)
Big gay bear
It was the summer of 2001 and I was on the look out for some new kicks. I happened to stumble across a particular football newsgroup. "This looks like my sort of thing," I thought. After lurking for a week or two I realised that it was more of my sort of thing than I could have previously imagined. The people were amusing and knowledgeable. I quickly settled in and became part of the furniture.

Fast forward a year to the summer of 2002. There's an England match coming up. "Why not have a meet-up?" I suggest. And so, a couple of weeks later, four of us meet in a pub. Apart from myself there's the matriarch of the group Jenny, paedophile lookalike Bob and Dave who looks suspiciously like Roy Kinnear but claims to only be 31 years old. We all got on well enough with the football being on helping to provide conversation. We all went our separate ways at the end of the night and while we didn't promise to do it again any time soon there was no aversion to doing so either.

Fast forward another year. It's the summer of 2003. This time Dave posts to the group suggesting a get together to watch the Division 3 Play-Off Final. Four of us say that we'll go: Dave of course, myself, Bob and a guy that doesn't post that regularly, Martin Hall. I arrived at the pub to find Dave and Martin already there. Dave looked scared. And for good reason as Martin was a freak. An absolute fucking freak. The sort that your mother warns you about in fact. Martin had a video camera with him. For fuck's sake, who takes a video camera to a pub? Martin proceeded to video Dave and me while we did entertaining things like go to the bar, drink some beer and have a conversation. I wonder if he's showed this video to his family. If so, I pity the Halls.

After what seemed like a lifetime Bob turned up. Now Bob is slightly odd. He is quite happy to tell one and all about his genital piercings and strange lifestyle decisions. But Bob can function in society. Which is good obviously. And Bob's functioning was in marked contrast to Martin's failure to partake in normal conversation. For some reason Martin thought it perfectly acceptable to get out a portfolio of pictures of his east European girlfriend in her scanties. No rhyme nor reason behind this at all. Just all of a sudden, there's pictures of someone I don't know, wearing only the briefest of briefs, being waved in front of my face. Now, of course, I'm no prude and not averse to seeing female flesh but the fact that it was Martin showing it scared me. And I was glad that I had Bob and Dave, who are both quite large chaps, there to protect me if Martin's demented lunacy should turn nasty.

The whole girlfriend thing was rather odd as well. Martin is camp. Not in a "I'm heterosexual and in touch with my feminine side" way. Oh god no. More in a "I'm a big gay bear. Please put your penis in my bum," sort of way. Nowt wrong with that of course. It's just that he was trying so hard to be one of the lads and it seemed so horribly false. In the end Bob, Dave and I made our excuses and left. Separately. Only to meet up at a pub across the street.

Apologies for length etc. First post - be gentle with me...
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 12:03, Reply)
Percy Sugden
One summer when I'd been really low after a fight between myself and my cat went a little too far(sorry Henry but it was either you or me), I was feeling really low and decided to try a little internet flirting - you know, to try and find a nice bird to stick it in.

So I logged in as Marzipan Fridge Magnet and let my magnetism and little pope-style-hat do its work.

Soon I had attracted a young sexy thing called 'filthy-margaret-69-with-pics-me-love-you-long-time' and we started to get it on. I made a suggestive remark about my blazer, she would respond with a saucy comment about me jizzing on her melons and we were away.

After about a month of this kind of cheekiness, we agreed to meet in a local park. I turned up and awaited my sexy young internet girlfriend.

Imagine my surprise when it turns out she'd misrepresented herself a little. She wasn't 16 with massive pert jugs and blonde hair at all - she was a little old man called Percy Sugden off the popular soap Coronation Street.

I decided to keep an open mind and went on the date anyway. Me and Percy went crown green bowling, then we had a game of dominoes in the pub and after that he suggested going back to his place to take it in turns to smoke his pipe. Well I turned this over in my mind and decided that I didnt want Percy to think I was easy but I was too keen on Percy to let this slip away from me.

So back at Percy's bungalow we're sitting there watching his favourite Antiques Roadshow video when he puts his arm around me and tries to catch a grope of my ribcage. The cheeky bastard! I stormed out of there in tears and vowed never to meet a stranger off the internet again.

I hear he's dead now so I regard the score has being settled.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 11:57, Reply)
Stalker contest!
I tried to think of someone I've met who was really weird, but when I think about it I end up coming to the conclusion that I am weirder than all of them. That can't be good.
I frequent a small message board. A lady on it decided to give her address to someone in a public post. Like I said, it's a small, relatively close-knit message board with essentially no new traffic coming in, so not too big of a deal. I decided to have some fun with it anyways, and declared a "Stalker Contest." It ended up that I was the only one who actually did anything, the cowards! I had some good fun with it, though. I didn't feel like sending a package or anything, so I stole one of my sisters fancy envelopes. The flowery envelope would work to further the surprise, so it was all good. The contents included: A lock of my sister's hair (She just loves to give), Some toenail clippings, a giant picture of my toe, some bubble wrap with all the bubbles popped, and I think that was it. I also included little notes saying things like "GUESS WHERE/WHO THIS HAIR CAME FROM!", one blaming the postal service for popping all the bubblewrap, another just saying "TOE TOE TOE TOE TOE...", and such. I put the finishing touches on it, including a crudely drawn skull sticking its tongue out as the return address, and off it went!
This was probably the first time I've ever been dissapointed by someone having a sense of humor. Her reaction had she been lacking one might have been priceless.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 9:52, Reply)
I win
I met my Mrs on the interweb and she is brill. My wife however, she met me. Poor lass.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 9:16, Reply)
I'm Ok
Didn't meet a weirdo but the internet changed my life for the better. I met the most beautiful, fantastic and fun woman ever. We are both deeply in love with each other. the only drawback is that she is 6000 miles away In Japan.
We email evey day and we meet up now and again but it's not enough.
I'm flying to Tokyo again soon and it's gonna be great.

I hope the rest of you have fun with your weirdo / psycho meetups. :)
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 4:11, Reply)
Win MX
I was downloading punk rock songs off of Win MX one day about 3 years ago. A girl who had been looking at my shared files sent me an instant message. She asked me who Billy Bragg was. I told her. It turned out she lived in Louisiana. Anyway to cut a long story short I married her and emigrated to the US. I'm starting to think maybe I'm the interweb weirdo.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 3:47, Reply)
Argh Clones!
I somehow, in the age of young desperation, managed to forget the First Rule: get a photo, have a few phonecalls, make sure you get THEIR NAME.

I also managed to meet up in the space of two months two men who lied about their age, their race ( not a big deal but why lie? ) and both managed to have THE SAME CHRISTIAN NAME (Ashley) as I have. They looked identical as well, in terms of manner and dress.
I'm possibly the only person I know who has shagged 3 other people with the same name as me ( all unintentional as well )...

The Second Rule I learnt was that guys in wheelchairs have great bodies and in this case, a wonderfully large penis. But an awful taste in movies.

The Third Rule is to eventually realise that just by being somewhat literate online yet fat, you are an internet weirdo yourself. Embrace it ;-).
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 2:09, Reply)
Introduced to a weirdo
Before i'd discovered the joys of drink and drunks but after i'd start listening to really gash punk music I didn't do much with my days apart from sit on the interweb. One of my mates gave me the e-mail address of someone only known to me as 'Japanese Michael'. He apparently gained the name after he was caught downloading Japanese porn in school. After I wound him up a few times via MSN I eventually got blocked and I found new weirdo's to piss off.

Skip forward to a few weeks ago and I was out on the lash for a friends birthday when I was told that 'Japanese Michael' was coming out for a drink. Imagine my shock when I turned around to see this 6 foot, lanky blonde bloke who'd been in my tutor class at college for a year and i'd gotten on with quite well turned out to be Japanese Michael. Not only that but he was the gayest person I have ever met in my life (And I know more than a few gay people).

I didn't mention the Japanese porn, although I was tempted when he told my girlfriend that she could turn him straight.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 0:40, Reply)
Someone added me to their MSN Contacts and decided to send me allsorts of random jibberish, poems and complains at weird hours of the day.

Screenshot here

I still have no idea how this person got my details, but most impressively, i've never once replied to her messages... yet she continues.
(, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 0:37, Reply)
Well, having spent eight or nine years frequenting a Role Playing community in Yahoo! chat it's hard to say exactly how many weird and/or wonderful people I've met. It was an incredibly addictive community, and I can name three people who faked their own deaths and one who faked a coma to try and escape it. They were inevitably drawn back under a new psuedonym, and several months later their true identities discovered. At this point, a group of other online weirdo's with far too much time on their hands systematically destroyed the afforementioned undead by hacking their computers, calling their family and friends anonymously and doing anything they could to defame both their past and present online personas. I can't say they didn't deserve it, either.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 23:52, Reply)
The depressive
who kept trying to kill herself was definitely a highlight, though I later met her in real life.

And there's this girl of about 14 that's added me and insists she has a crush on me and once saw me in a play. I don't know who the flying fuck she is. Bloody myspace.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 23:47, Reply)
...but i'd prefer not to discuss it, if u dont mind.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 22:36, Reply)
Internet dating and ferret breeding...you think I'd know better at my age.
This goes back to the summer of 2004. I'd split from my wife in February of the same year and from March up to June I'd been having a rather steamy relationship with my closest female friend. (who I'd previously got to know in 2000 via the internet and going to several gigs with her and her mates) Anyway, she dumped me one afternoon while I was at work so I spent the next couple of weeks drowning my sorrows and basically shagging anything that squated for a piss and had a pulse. (Though I wasn't too fussy about the pulse bit, as long as the corpse was still warm). Anyway, one of my workmates suggested I tried internet dating as (in his own words) "The women on there are desperate and gagging for it". I signed up an account with dating direct and 'unleased hell'.

Never will I do this ever again, not ever, not even if my life depended on it.

I went on approximately two-dozen dates in the space of three months. I met nymphos, femininists, racists, shag-buddies, a girl who wanted to shag me with a strap-on and even a woman who wanted me to move in after the third date. (needless to say, I made my excuses and left, though not without a goodbye shag first).

The icing on the cake though was the blind-date. I'd been chatting with a lady online who seemed perfectly rational - had her own house, car, decent job, similar taste in music etc and we agreed to meet for a drink in my local. Now, I usually refused to meet anyone without a photo (I'd been warned) but in this case I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. All I knew was I had to look out for a medium height woman with brown hair, ample cleavage, a cut smile and a denim skirt. Nervously, I hung around near the pool table end of the large bar and waited for my date...

Then it happened...fighting her way through the crowds of VERY fit local ladies, this 4ft 11 *thing* limped up to me, with a half smile befitting a stroke victim and long brown hair that looked like it had never been introduced to a decent shampoo. But, me being the gentleman I agreed to stay for a drink with her and we sat and chatted about music and films. Although she wasn't much to look at she did have the conversational skills of an angel...

Until she started mentioning relationship stuff, that is. Her opening gambit was to tell me about her set up at home. It turns out that her part-tim job was to look after an elederly relative of hers who sometimes stayed at her house and "would I mind the occasional smell of urine?". She reassured me that it wasn't all th e time though and she was free for weekends away and holidays IF I WANTED TO BOOK THEM!.

Now I'm getting scared.

Then she proceeds to quiz me on what I do in my free time, I answered politely and then she proceeded to tell me that "If you and I are together you'll have to knock a lot of your activities on the head as you'll be helping me with the 37 ferrets I keep as they take up a lot of my spare time and you'll have to help me with them". (This was in-between dodging incontinent old people in her living room, presumably).

Remember I said she limped into the bar? Well I offered her a seat and she turned me down saying "Sorry, the plastic cartlidge in my knee is playing up tonight and if I sit down I'll seize up"

I spent nearly three hours trying to find an excuse to leave, but it was no use, I guess I was too scared to do a runner. When I finally got aound to saying it was time for me to go, she almost broke down and said "What's wrong? You haven't asked me to see you again yet, or even tried to kiss me!!!" I mumbled something about needing to be up early in the morning and said I'd call her, which I didn't.

Got a full two days of texts from her until she finally got the message when I texed her back and said "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU WEIRD MOLESTER OF SMALL RODENTS".

Current girlfriend is actually someone I met on match.com who I never dated in about a year, became friends with and then ended up getting a lot closer. For the record she's reassuringly normal and likes the bits of b3ta that aren't too blokey.

No apologies for length, Michelle's never complained so why should anyone else.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 19:35, Reply)
I think I'm the weirdest person I've ever met online.
Though I'm currently invited in May I think, to meet two of my oldest online friends who have met up with each other already.

They want to go to Paris for a day and sodomise each other with baguettes.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 17:04, Reply)
My mate's computer went tits-up
so I offered to find her someone off t'interweb to fix it.

Can you tell that I had only just 'gone online', as we in the know term it?

After a three-week barrage of filth from strangers (which Mate found entertaining but didn't help the pooter) I got talking to the one bloke who had behaved like a gentleman.

When I introduced him to Mate, she said 'Christ! He's weird! In fact, he's the SECOND weirdest person I've ever met!'

Yup, he was weird, in many ways. He sorted her pooter though and then sorted me, in that I married him last month. Weird.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 16:52, Reply)
I met my ex boyfriend on the internet.
After 2 and a half years of only seeing eachother for a week or so each month I found out that he was an e-gigalo. But he had a small cock anyway so I left him.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 16:14, Reply)
the dentist...
I went through a stage of living back home after being at uni...most of my mates had moved away, so I was bored and lonely (not that its an excuse)and decided to do a bit of internet dating. Got messaged by this guy, 30, dentist, own place etc etc and it turned out he lived just up the road from me. after seeing a couple of pics which looked ok, I agreed to his offer of a drink at our local. Turned up and had a lovely night.

Next week, he texts me asking if I want to do the same thing again, I said yes. ended up getting quite pissed. I was sitting on the sofa next to him and he started talking about this 3some he'd had a while ago. Uh oh, i start thinking...here's his internet weirdiness coming out. Unfortuantely it had only just begun.

So there i am sitting next to him: being very drunkardly we were chatting about sommat else and I slapped him on the leg next to me. Felt some kind of ridge of fabric there but thought nothing of it. At the end of the night he asks if I want a cuppa at his b4 hometime. I said ok then. (YOU FOOL RACHEL, YOU DRUNKEN FOOL) We walk back to his flat just over the road. He's limping slightly, I just think its a footie injury. We get into his house and being the nosey person I am I have a look around. As I go into the bathroom I notice there's a three legged stool in the shower. wow, I think to myself, that's a bit weird. My pissed brain slowly clicked away, as my even more pissed mouth opened and i started to say "why have you got aaaaaaa...." Suddenly it clicked.
He had a false leg.

Yes. he was a one legged dentist.

Needless to say I drank my cup of tea and asked for my lift home PDQ. The clincher was when he drove me back in an automatic car. As we stopped down the road from my house (I'm not that stupid to let him know which house it was!) he tried to snog my face off. I mumbled "NO! I'm a LAAAAAADY!", grappled with the door, and stumbled out into the night. Obviously poor old hop-along couldn't exactly run after me.

after a week of me ignoring his texts the dentist gave up. About 2 months later I got an email from him asking if I'd worked out that he only had one leg. I didn't reply.
One day I WILL make a short film about this.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 15:28, Reply)
I met a guy who makes his own swords, spends about 75%+ of his life on his damn computer but this tops it off: He once fell under the dreadful affliction of scurvy. His screen name always referred to pirate this or that, but he actually got scurvy. He lived for about a month in front of his computer drinking nothing but Pepsi and eating Doritos. He realized that he should probably broaden his dining horizons once his gums started bleeding and he lost a tooth...Yar! Scurvy!
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 14:07, Reply)

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