Internet dating and ferret breeding...you think I'd know better at my age.
This goes back to the summer of 2004. I'd split from my wife in February of the same year and from March up to June I'd been having a rather steamy relationship with my closest female friend. (who I'd previously got to know in 2000 via the internet and going to several gigs with her and her mates) Anyway, she dumped me one afternoon while I was at work so I spent the next couple of weeks drowning my sorrows and basically shagging anything that squated for a piss and had a pulse. (Though I wasn't too fussy about the pulse bit, as long as the corpse was still warm). Anyway, one of my workmates suggested I tried internet dating as (in his own words) "The women on there are desperate and gagging for it". I signed up an account with dating direct and 'unleased hell'.

Never will I do this ever again, not ever, not even if my life depended on it.

I went on approximately two-dozen dates in the space of three months. I met nymphos, femininists, racists, shag-buddies, a girl who wanted to shag me with a strap-on and even a woman who wanted me to move in after the third date. (needless to say, I made my excuses and left, though not without a goodbye shag first).

The icing on the cake though was the blind-date. I'd been chatting with a lady online who seemed perfectly rational - had her own house, car, decent job, similar taste in music etc and we agreed to meet for a drink in my local. Now, I usually refused to meet anyone without a photo (I'd been warned) but in this case I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. All I knew was I had to look out for a medium height woman with brown hair, ample cleavage, a cut smile and a denim skirt. Nervously, I hung around near the pool table end of the large bar and waited for my date...

Then it happened...fighting her way through the crowds of VERY fit local ladies, this 4ft 11 *thing* limped up to me, with a half smile befitting a stroke victim and long brown hair that looked like it had never been introduced to a decent shampoo. But, me being the gentleman I agreed to stay for a drink with her and we sat and chatted about music and films. Although she wasn't much to look at she did have the conversational skills of an angel...

Until she started mentioning relationship stuff, that is. Her opening gambit was to tell me about her set up at home. It turns out that her part-tim job was to look after an elederly relative of hers who sometimes stayed at her house and "would I mind the occasional smell of urine?". She reassured me that it wasn't all th e time though and she was free for weekends away and holidays IF I WANTED TO BOOK THEM!.

Now I'm getting scared.

Then she proceeds to quiz me on what I do in my free time, I answered politely and then she proceeded to tell me that "If you and I are together you'll have to knock a lot of your activities on the head as you'll be helping me with the 37 ferrets I keep as they take up a lot of my spare time and you'll have to help me with them". (This was in-between dodging incontinent old people in her living room, presumably).

Remember I said she limped into the bar? Well I offered her a seat and she turned me down saying "Sorry, the plastic cartlidge in my knee is playing up tonight and if I sit down I'll seize up"

I spent nearly three hours trying to find an excuse to leave, but it was no use, I guess I was too scared to do a runner. When I finally got aound to saying it was time for me to go, she almost broke down and said "What's wrong? You haven't asked me to see you again yet, or even tried to kiss me!!!" I mumbled something about needing to be up early in the morning and said I'd call her, which I didn't.

Got a full two days of texts from her until she finally got the message when I texed her back and said "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU WEIRD MOLESTER OF SMALL RODENTS".

Current girlfriend is actually someone I met on match.com who I never dated in about a year, became friends with and then ended up getting a lot closer. For the record she's reassuringly normal and likes the bits of b3ta that aren't too blokey.

No apologies for length, Michelle's never complained so why should anyone else.
(The Graduate Adding to the confusion since 1974, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 19:35, Reply)