Crash Magazine


I won a copy of Ad Astra.

And then got a letter published complaining about it crashing everytime it loaded.

I was 11, the irony was lost.
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 20:46, Reply)

gas stuff
when i was younger around 7 i won a compettion by drawing a poster for gas safety, i won a cap a bag and a radio. all never used as they had big gas logos emblazoned on them.
was bit gutted had my pic in the local paper, but when i enterd was promised "amazing" prizes
(funksoul, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 20:42, Reply)

Win
A friend of mine owned a large share in a condo by the beach, in a fabulously wealthy part of Los Angeles. They were selling the place, and to get top dollar on it, they needed as close to full occupancy in it as possible. So in a shady move, he and the other owners gave friends of friends cash to cover the of rent an apartment for 6 months. So me and some pals now had a great place to stay, walking distance to some fabulous nightlife, in a part of the city we could never normally afford.
The cost to them of rent to 20 people was considerably less than the difference it would make in the sale of this multi-million dollar apartment building.

Now - just to add to the fun.... When someone signed a lease, they were immediately entered in a draw to win a car.

Guess who won a Mercedes SLK 230 Convertible?

Me. The guy who was being paid to live there.

Justice in the world? Not in this case, but for once I wasn't the one being shafted.
( gp_guineapig, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 20:18, 1 reply)

Kos
I managed to win an hours water ski-ing lesson whilst in Kos in 1994. Second honeymoon crap, ie we had been there the year before and liked it So went back.

Anyway this pub that me and the wife were at sorted it that I won the waterski lesson. George and George as I remember. My ticket was palmed and whehey I won!! Tucked into a few more Amstels, numerous schnapps and the wife.

Next morning, tucked into bugger all. My stomach was not upto anything. Dropped a soggy set of kids off at the pool and went onto the flat roof. It was 50m away from the beach but I was looking after the kids and couldn't walk that far, without a nappy.

2pm arrived and I was due for my lesson at 3pm. Obvious choice was to imbibe prior to lesson, so back to then same bar. Amstel top please, yuk, head throbbing in the region of a humming bird, with a seagull thrusting deeply......

Times up and there is no going back. Walked to the jetty and gave my voucher over which was accepted with an 'ah, my friend' knowing comment. He then went through the safety checks, ie have you done this before and how many skis do you want. Er, two legs, one each please.'Neh' went mssr Stavros. I've skied before, proper snow and stuff, and assumed it would leave me in good stance.

Would it fuck! Wife got on board the motorboat which proceeded to drag me around the bay in front of Popeye, George and George etc and the rest of the beach front for 10 mins.

Total erection time 30 seconds.

I was fucking knackered, salty wet, hung over, my balls ached as they were hitting every fucking wave due to my Bambi like stance every 10 seconds.

I gave up and refused to pick up the tow row. The wife (ex) laughed so much she pucked over the other side of the boat when they pulled me in. Couldn't get back in the saddle until we got home.

Win? Hardly.
(Suck it and Sea, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 20:17, 1 reply)

Hopefully not bindun
Fella who won the lottery a while ago.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1249209/Lotto-lout-Michael-Carroll-dole-squandering-millions.html

Was winning, now is back on the dole...
(eggs and spam *insert witty sig here*, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 20:07, 2 replies)

You're a winner!
Said the bloke at the convenience store as he gave me a bag of yoghurt that had just passed its sell by date.


Made my week that did.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 20:03, 1 reply)

Microsoft ripped off
As part of being a Microsoft certified engineer the lucky qualified person is allowed access to a certain site, where most/all MS products are sold at a ludicrously cheap price. Office 7 for £30, Halo Reach on release day for a tenner etc etc. One of me mates was finishing his job at a certain well known computer establishment in the UK (clue; you'd have better luck getting computer advice from McDonalds) and decided to spend about £150 on the site as one of the perks of his job was getting access to this site. He receives all his items and a few weeks later starts his new job managing a local Hardware store on better money.

A few weeks later he gets an email, from MS no-less; "Congratulations! As you have been picked from our random prize drawer which you entered automatically after making your last purchase, you have won our big Xmas prize rollout! You have won a new Sony Via laptop, Xbox360 250gb Elite with Kinect and a collection of games, a laser printer, an ipod etc etc (basically alot of stuff, he did send me the list, thousands worth). All you need to do is provide us with your current proof of employment and we'll sort out delivery arrangements"

Uh oh. He hasn't worked there for a month, and strictly wasn't meant to be allowed to buy from them. Oh well thinks he, nout for it....that's what Photoshop is for. So he fires it up, doctors a pay-slip to show he's still employed in the previous workplace and emails it to them.

A week later he started receiving deliveries. LOTS OF THEM. The lucky twunt, but at the same time good on 'im :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 20:00, 2 replies)

I won on the Premium Bonds!
I was 10 years old. The year was 19 hundred and 86. I won 50 pounds and my Mum and Dad let me buy a Domino Rally. The one with the rocket at the end. And some lego.
It was ace.
( underpont making all kinds-a-gains, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:55, 1 reply)

I cheated but feel no shame.
Many years ago, when I was noticeably slimmer, hairier and prone to wearing ripped jeans, I attended the opening night of the Xposure Rock Cafe. Beer was drunk, Pre-grunge Metal was played and to cap it all I won a CD.
By being a cheating bastard.
The deal was simple. Over the course of the evening the DJ would ask a question and the first person to get to him would win a prize, usually a CD or t-shirt or suchlike. You know, free crap they'd been given by bands and recod labels.
Anyway this particular question was something like "Out of all the memorabilia up on the walls, one item was donated by a band that isn't British or American. Who is it?"
"The impressively pissed bloke next to me looked about the room and his eyes lit up. "Sven Gali" he muttered to himself.
(Canada's answer to Skid Row, if you're interested)
By the time he realised that he'd spoken aloud I was on the other side of the room bellowing "Sven Gali" into the DJs ear. He handed me a Judas Priest promo CD that I still have and went off to get some paracetamol.
And that's the only thing I've ever won.
(Big D, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:54, Reply)

I won a job by fraud
A colleague at work approached me a year or so ago. 'My girlfriend's going for a job this week', he said. 'She's supposed to do some kind of IQ test online for it. Don't suppose you'd be willing to do it for her?'

I've mentioned before my views on IQ tests. I think they're pointless and meaningless, but I happen to be pretty good at them. And I hadn't tried one in about twenty years. So my response was 'Is she up to the job?'. 'Sure, she's just a bit freaked out by having to do this test.'

So with an almost clear conscience, I aced the test, defrauded her employer and won her the job. Got to love the moral ambiguity...
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:54, 2 replies)

I won a microwave oven once...
from a competition I didn't even enter. Still have it and it still works.
( Bamboo Steamer, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:46, 2 replies)

Lottery odds
I was once having a conversation with one of Mrs Flatfrog's cousins about the lottery and explaining why I don't play it - my argument is essentially that every time I don't play, I win 50p. 'But someone's got to win', they sensibly pointed out. 'Yes, but it's almost certainly not going to be you', I retorted.

Two weeks later, they won £2 million. But I still stand by my argument.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:45, Reply)

Local Radio
I once entered the Saturday Music Quiz in the early eighties on our local radio (Hereward Radio - Peterborough). Absolutely trounced the opposition and won a copy of Toni Basil's Word of Mouth on vinyl.

Proudest moment so far - I still have it, and it still plays "Mickey" without jumping.

It was, and still is, one of the worst albums ever made, but it's mine!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:37, 3 replies)

Me gran and the Weekly News
She was a dopey old cow when she was with us, but my gran would religiously enter the Weekly News competition page. There wasn't really a load of prizes but instead they would have one star prize and one winner, which was normally a small prize equivalent of getting a Black on a Bully Special Prize board (yup, that good huh?). Once a week (who'd have guessed) she bought this paper, spent 1/2 hour filling in all the quizzes and posting them off in the blind faith that she would win something.

One week out of the blue she won. Well foock a duck she'd only gone an won. The prize? Season 4 on VHS of Baywatch....not something she had a use for funnily enough (I was hitting puberty at that time so somehow they ended up in my possession lol). So much merriment and celebrations were had by all (some more than others shlap shlap).

Until next week she gets a letter and a parcel. Behold, she's won again! This time a Soda-Stream maker. She had absolutely no use for this at all, so that went to us too. And the following week, some Readers Digest books? She kept on winning. Every week.

This happened for about 10 weeks, gran winning every fucking tat prize they had until in the end the paper had actually gone into liquidation and stopped printing. Now either my gran was the only person entering these comps, or they made a bit of a cock-up with the compo page. Not that granny cared, she had her bread-bin and cutlery set and she was happy, along with her set of table covers and her pillow set next to her new reading lamp.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:36, Reply)

Free booze and clothing?
I was at Roskilde music festival in Denmark a couple of years back and some friends and I were walking past the St Pauli football club stand where these gothic types were stopping passers by and asking them if they wanted to play some bingo.

As I have rarely ever won any compos and was getting thirsty I politely declined and walked onwards. 20ft later I noticed my friends had stopped to play. I then (rather weak willingly) decided to turn back and accept the offer of gothy bingo and I sat down on the grass to play.

Fuck me! if only I won the top prize (much to my friends' disbelief) with a full house and took away a huge bottle of ice encrusted champagne and a free T Shirt of my choice from their stand. The other anarchist contestants then (rather unsportingly) booed and threw their pens and papers at me whilst I gave them the two finger salute and did a little drunken dance.

I was expecially happy with the booze, we were in the area where the bands were playing and no glass bottles were allowed to be brought in there, so I was chuffed as we sat on the grass in the blazing sun and drank out of the bottle whilst watching the bands, people must have thought we were celebs or something (at least that's what I hoped!) :)
(Beh3moth The devil's advocaat., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:34, Reply)

My mates went to the annual fancy dress New Year
party at the local pub as bricks from Pink Floyd's Wall. It essentially involved body sized cardboard boxes covered in pink (and I am told very abrasive) masonry paint. They came out of it with a special mention, a large bottle of Advocaat and extremely chafed chins.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:30, Reply)

When I was 3 years old I won a shoulder of lamb
Well I helped anyway.

There was a competition to guess the weight of the lamb. My mum simply asked the farmer to stick me on the scales, put my weight down as the guestimate and hey presto, come the end of the day had to lug home a monsterous hunk of sheep.

We took it round to my mum's friend otherwise the two of us would have been eating lamb for a week.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:29, Reply)

Apparently, I am unbeatable at mini golf.
I don't know why as I am crap at real golf but I have never lost a mini/crazy golf round even when I have had stinker the other players will inevitably spluff the final few holes to leave me victorious by one. I have even tried losing against the kids but they find some way of chucking it away like losing the ball or breaking a club or pulling a 'Linda Blair' on the sixteenth and emptying the contents of their stomachs into the nearest water hazard. If only I could make money off the back of this!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:26, Reply)

In-office competition this weekend
On our intranet this Easter weekend gone there was a competition where we had to name different managers in disguise behind these fuck-stupid Easter-bunny masks. A "mystery" prize was up for grabs which in the past has been ranged from a new games console, holiday tickets etc, so as I was bored senseless browsing the links page on B3ta while pretending to work I named the hapless NVQ Management pricks, submitted my answers and went back to work.

I come back into work on Tuesday and lo and behold, I have won! All I have to do is walk over the other side of the building past a few other departments and collect my prize from one of the managers stationed there. I wonder over, much with the spring in my step and anticipation normally associated with "I've just won the lottery" or "My fucking oats are in here sunshine".

When I get there after a quick confirmation I am given a £1 Cadburys Buttons Easter Egg. To make matters worse I had to walk past these other departments carrying the egg while being glared at by some random workers who were probably thinking "Look at that fat cunt by there, I'd give that egg about 30 seconds by the look of him".

It took 47 seconds, and that's also allowing for the time it took to open the buttons packet. The cunts.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:16, Reply)

Radio contest
When I was about 20 I managed to get onto a local radio contest, the quiz was boys v girls, with opposite questions asked - boys got questioned about girl stuff and vice versa.
It was pretty good, I managed to go strong for 4 weeks, winning 2 dvd players, a vhs and a big telly. Then in my last week the boyfriend I had at the time registered, managed to make it through and so we were up against each other. He told me to lose on purpose so he could go further. After some feeble protest I agreed and lost the easiest round ever. If I close my eyes right enough I can almost hear people screaming at their radio. But I still did pretty well. I'm pleased with that. He lost the following week.

I didn't last much longer with him after that. This is the same bloke who told me I looked grotesque when I was on telly recently, making me no longer proud of that particular achievement and putting him firmly in 'Camp Cunt'. I know he frequents b3ta but no idea if he comes to qotw. If he does and recognises this story - Ryan you're a cunt.

So, if someone is getting piss easy answers wrong on radio or telly, they could be doing it out of misguided love.
Or they're a thick twat.
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 19:10, 4 replies)

a car
There was a Daewoo showroom adjoining where I used to work about ten years ago and I fancied one of the sales girls, so would spend my time there chatting to her instead of working.
One day there was a pile of leaflets on her desk and a card box with a slot in it to post entries through. I scribbled one out, without really reading it and posted it in the box, expecting nothing but to be added to their junk mailing list for brochures etc.

About a month later I got a ropey-looking letter telling me I had won first prize in their competition - the opportunity to buy a brand new Daewoo Matiz for £5. I suspected my friend had faked the letter but when I showed her it, she denied all knowledge and called up the company head office for me, which confirmed it was genuine.
I had to send off a cheque for £5 and then had to travel to Edinburgh to collect my brand new car. I posed for a few cheesy photos with some company bigwig, handing the keys over across the bonnet etc, then home I drove.

A few weeks later I traded it in for a Vauxhall Astra.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 18:58, 1 reply)

I want to be petty:
My twat of a step father insisted that we form a family with him and his son at the first opportunity and managed to con my mother into releasing her widow's pension stake and the remaining cash for my brother and me so that he could piss it away in a crap "business venture". He also used to delight in telling me that I would "be in a wheelchair by 30", despite me being frighteningly fit at the time.
I was happy to learn that, while I am older than 30 and able to walk, at least for now, he has suffered a second stroke and is slowly becoming a vegetable.
I win, and I hope you die feeling shame.
I really do hope the fucker dies in agony alone -- though his son would probably not agree about the agony part.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 18:45, Reply)

Pretending I'm doing well...
As a Teenager, I had a remarkable run of success at winning competitions in "Smash Hits" Magazine. May have been something to do with their habit of asking entrants to send their answers in on something "wacky". As my parents ran a Post Office, postage costs were no barrier, so a succession of catering sized tins of baked beans, giant cut outs and A1 sized postcards made their way to London.

But even I was surprised when the postman walked in with Freddie Mercury under his arm. Er, not THE Freddie Mercury, but a life-size cardboard cut out used in the video for "The Great Pretender". Complete with a tyre mark across his head and a postmark on his shoulder. So what's a boy to do with a life-sized cutout of Freddie Mercury? That would probably make a good question of the week for next time.
(orangehaslotsoffruit shout for all the people who have nothing to say, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 18:39, Reply)

Who's winning?
We're all winning!

Of course...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 18:29, 2 replies)

When she was a little girl...
...growing up in a rural France, a friend of mine won first prize in the village fête raffle. First prize: A pig, to slaughter. Being a little girl and not wanting her pretty dress to be showered in pig's blood, she declined. So they offered her the second prize: A chicken to, slaughter. So in the end she plumped for third prize: Six bottles of wine.
(electricteeth, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 18:07, 2 replies)

Last place winners.
Me and my friends would often attend local pub quizzes and the likes when we were younger. We always give our best and end up in a respectable but none prize winning position. There was one quiz were I noticed an old school mate on an opposing team.

His team was doing alright up until the second last round were they began to earn little or no points at all plummeting them to the bottom of the table. Afterwards I was chatting to him not failing to mention how much better my team did than his. He grinned at me and pointed to a rather tasty crate of wine on his table. Losers consolation prize.

He confided in me that him and his friends would attend table quizzes and deliberately come in last always gaining them a decent runners up prize. Needless to say that this tactic was immediately employed by me and mates in all quizzes to follow.

However it was not to last and the quiz throwers became wise. Our last quiz was an unmitigated success were we failed miserably coming in last place. At prize giving time we were called up after the winners to receive our runners up prize. We were each presented (in front of the crowded pub of locals) with our very own wooden spoons of failure each with our names engraved. We were also quietly informed everyone was now wise to our shenanigans and sent on our youthful ways.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 28 Apr 2011, 18:04, 1 reply)

winning
Hm. Chronologically, have won:

Cadet thing, got trips around the world
RAF Scholarship, twice, pilots license, wings etc
Selection (toenails fell out)
Scholarship for MSc: won national award
Scholarship for MBA, gained distinction.
Etc. Etc.

Today, am not a pilot, am not a soldier, am not employed in any recognisable trade or profession and have barely a penny in cash.

But I am sitting in my back garden, playing with my daughter, and realise that I have finally won something useful.
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 18:01, 6 replies)

Not me, but I know a man who did ....
In Vegas a couple of years ago and me and my Father in Law were walking through the Venetian which he needed to stop for a breather. Put $1 in a slot. won $900.

gallery.me.com/gregmvf4/100026/DSC00454.jpg?derivative=medium&source=web.jpg&type=medium&ver=12645086680001

Next day we were leaving, so wanted to kill some time before leaving for airport. I lend him $10, $5 of which he puts in a slot. Nada. Next slot also gets his (my) remaining $5. Machine mongs out. Starts playing 'You're in the money' ... $3000. Cart and 2 operatives turn up, and he has all sorts of stuff to fill in - basically he had to get an IRS number to be able to claim the money, thought we were going to be too late for the plane. After we're done, Floorwalker resets the slot, and asks us to play a single spin he'd put on it as a credit as nobody would play a machine showing a win.

Father in Law taps 'Spin' as we walk away. Another $1000. Floorwalker/cashier with cart give us heavy side-eyes as neither had ever seen it happen.

Wouldn't let me take photos as not allowed (I got bollocking for the one above), but I shit you not ....
(Captain Dispensible, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:54, Reply)

Scrabble
Probably not the first, definitely not the last.

I like scrabble, and I'm reasonably good at it. Not brilliant, but good enough to spank the inlaws and the missus as and when we play.

In order to put a check on my supremacy, the inlaws decreed that if a word was in the dictionary it was fair game.

Excellent. The dictionary took pride of place next to the board next time we played. Thing is, it was a 'home' game, so it was my dictionary, so I had a flick through the 'word game' section prior to the game. Some pretty funky words in there, but according to the decree they were legal. This did not go down well.

Nowadays the inlaws have a concise oxford --with the games section torn out-- sitting in the glove compartment of their car so it can be produced after the merest mention of the word 'Scrabble'.

Fine. No problem. Things came to a head a few months later however when I plucked a word out of the ether and both my MIL and FIL decided between them that even though it was in the dictionary (their dictionary) it still wasn't 'right'. So it was disallowed.

I still beat them. Cunts
(mersault, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 17:53, 4 replies)