It's a bad idea to have a question about crime when the challenge is going to anger the Church of $cientology.
They specialise in discrediting their critics by inventing and/or taking out of context and blowing out of proportion any crime or misdemeanour they possibly can.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 15 Feb 2008, 21:34, 5 replies)

woopsy
I saw myself stab someone in the face.

never told anyone about that.

I should probably lay low for a bit now.
(scarydylan has lost his scare :(, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 21:29, Reply)

Not too many
Well, I've witnessed a few minor crimes in my life, nothing as glamorous as seeing a murder happen. Granted, I grew up in and live in the state where robbers armed with AK47s w/ drum magazines and full body armor had a major shootout with police (that's California for those of you who don't know). But I don't think that major events like those that are broadcast on TV are exactly worthy of this QotW.

To answer the question...

I've witnessed two suicides. One was a completed suicide, the other an "almost". Since the former is a bit too tender, the "almost" was from an ex of mine. This was before she was an ex, mind you, but during high school she grabbed a knife from someone and brought it to her wrists. Before I even knew what was happening, her arms had been grabbed and the knife seized. I could go on about that crazy bitch, but I'll save that for another QotW.

Another crime I've witnessed is...
PIRACY.
You may roll your eyes, but here in the US, it often carries harsher sentences than murder (short of execution).

My last one (that I can recall) also took place during high school. Simply put, it was a knife fight between the gangs (as the Mexicans and Blacks often quarreled). Some people were stabbed. Imagine my surprise when SWAT comes running through the school.

I'll post more as I can recall them.
(Magus Zeal reloading since, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 20:08, Reply)

Not a witness, but a psuedo-victim
About 15 years or so ago, I was at a little party with some friends. I was in high school at the time, so along with most of the other attendees I was underage, but we* weren't letting that get in the way. For some random reason which I can't remember, we decided to go for a walk. All of us. At midnight. And so a pack of 20 or so giggling, wobbling teenagers began to saunter along the road. I was near the front of the group, being one of the few locals who knew the area, which meant I got to see the whole thing coming.

We had just walked past the entrance to a park. There were no lights in the park at that time of night, so it was just a huge patch of darkness. From the shadowy depths, however, erupted the world's most pathetic battle cry. Imagine the power of a lion's roar. Imagine the fear it strikes into those around to hear it. Now imagine a gerbil trying to do the same. I turned to watch a group of kids half our size charge at the back of our group, waving the normal sort of improvised weaponry - bottles, sticks, bricks etc. Our group scattered, knowing that a crack from a large lump of wood would still be painful even in the diminutive hands of our attackers.

Pretty soon people were running everywhere when I finally noticed one of the little runty children charging at me, bottle raised above his head. Time seemed to slow. I couldn't move, I just watched him get closer, closer, closer ... until he swung the bottle. It traced a perfect arc through the air and gracefully connected with my head. I winced instinctively, preparing for the pain, but instead of the shattering of glass I heard an odd crumpling noise. I opened my eyes to see a very confused looking proto-yob still holding a seemingly intact bottle. We looked at each other for a brief moment before he turned and fled, discarding his weapon. It bounced on the ground, making a strange, hollow noise not normally associated with glass.

He had just tried to smash a plastic bottle over my head.

After my brain caught up with current events I discovered that I was now alone in the aftermath of the world's most pathetic street battle. I shrugged and walked home without incident. At school the next Monday I discovered that no-one was actually hurt, at least no-one in our group. It was one of the oddest experiences I've had.

* - Okay, I was letting it get in the way. I didn't drink then, and still don't now. But I find drunk people funny, so I don't mind.
(Ponder, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 20:01, Reply)

i witnessed a crime .......... well sort of !
Summer hols last year my son came over from spain to spend the 6 weeks with me, my partner Ben and number 2 son . Well we decided to take him out to kfc for a bite of fried rat mmmm , im sat on the bed waiting for the bathroom while my son is tarting himself up. Now Ben is a twunt most of the time and this day had the devil in him decided to sneek attack the kid and spray him with my perfume kid screams like a girl and runs away Ben chases and manages a few more squirts till they both end up in my room with a final squirt and a couple of further screams the whole incident is over and forgotten ....... Till 10 mins later brats and Ben are sat in the car and im locking the door up swerves a white clapped out car with a copper in the back seat , he falls out of the car tucks in his shirt and legs over to me .
Are you alright madam, me puzzled well yes i think so , so where is the girl who has been attacked me errrm i dunno, well neighbours reported an attack ........ooooooooo erm well i know what you are on about now lol the attack was my son and Ben messing about with perfume lol. Copper well hang on a min he turns and call the station cancel the armed responce unit its all a misunderstnding. Turns out the copper had to comandeer the car a few streets away the driver and wifey must have been thinking alsorts hehehe anyway after the copper took statments and questioned brat and Ben we finaly got the fried rat .
(kthxbai, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 19:31, 9 replies)

When I was a kid
my parents took me to the movies. Zorro, it was; I distinctly remember that. We decided to walk home, but took a wrong turn and ended up down a dark and dingy alley.

Before we knew it we were being held up at gunpoint. Pa pleaded with the gunman to not hurt his family, but when the villain made a grab for Mom's pearl necklace, well, he just flipped, and tried to stop him.

The next few seconds play out in my mind every night; a sound, like thunder, then another, and suddenly my parents are lying bleeding and dying at my feet, in a pool of crimson. The gunman had beaten a hasty retreat by then, and I was alone in the dark with the scent of death lingering, my sobbing breath catching on the cold, still air.

Our faithful butler raised me from that day, but I was pretty scarred by the incident. As I got older I realised that, even though I could do nothing about it then, if I trained myself, disciplined myself, I could begin to make a difference. To protect the innocent, and avenge my parents. But how?

Then one night, inspiration hit me! "I know! I will dress up as a bat and roam the rooftops of this fair city. That'll scare the shit out of the cunts".

What? Almost 7:30?

Time for the medication...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 15 Feb 2008, 19:18, 14 replies)

The Crime that Never Was
Bit of a strange one this. Although it is (rather tenuously) on topic, I didn't witness it, and it wasn't (technically) a crime.

Three of my brother's mates (who shall be known , Great-Escape style, as Tom, Dick and Harry) are at a loose end. Tom has recently passed his test and so, as only bored 17 year olds can, they decide to stage a kidnapping.

10 minutes later Harry is strolling along the lane past the front of the local high school when a car screeches to a halt next to him, Tom and Dick jump out, bundle him kicking and screaming into the boot, and speed off into the distance.

They enjoyed it so much they decided to try the same thing all over again outside the shops in the next village, and much merriment was had by all.

----------------

Later that day Mellotron is driving (with younger brother) to the local ATS type place to get his exhaust fettled, when said brother notices a newspaper placard outside the newsagents opposite "BOY KIDNAPPED OUTSIDE LOCAL SCHOOL" (or something similar). Brother remarks at how much of a coincidence this is, as some of his mates were pretending to do something similar earlier on.

The moment of full realisation came 10 minutes later, as the radio in the garage, tuned to the local "mindless-garbage FM" station, described the whole thing perfectly as the lead news story.

Glances were exchanged, a quick and urgent mobile call was made and (I am lead to believe) there was a rather sheepish "We're very sorry officer" moment at the local nick that afternoon.

Length? They could have got 10 years....
(mellotron never could get the hang of Thursdays, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 18:47, Reply)

Stealing from Primark
I saw some teenage girls stealing knickers from Primark. They must've been worth at least 50p - but I suppose you have to start somewhere.
(enile, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 18:25, Reply)

World's dumbest paedo
Not a particularly entertaining title I’ll grant you but I was technically one of his victims.
...
Well it started that way
...
sort of.
...
As a snotty teenager I went to a lads grammar school, named after a renowned churchman, in a southern cathedral city with public school delusions of grandeur. Rugby, Latin lessons, the whole shebang. Generally it was a tolerable time but it included being subjected to “character building” cross country runs. I’ve no doubt it did me the world of good in terms of fitness but fuck me was it dull.


Consequently any source of entertainment that popped up on these post lunch perambulations around the city in question attracted me, and a number of other little scamps, like flies to shit.


On one such afternoon, when the games fields were allegedly too wet for practice (bollocks, the PE staff were just too hungover to do anything) we were sent on one of the longer routes around town that cut through a park in the city. After the grumbling had subsided off we trotted like the good boys everyone new we were.


An hour and a half in and we were approaching the home stretch through the park. Now the park was always a chance for the less well mannered of us (i.e. everyone) to walk, have a fag and generally arse about as the teachers never bothered getting out of their cars when keeping an eye on us (This subsequently changed after the events below).


So it happened that five sweaty teenage lads, all in T-shirts and rugby shorts and furtively smoking Marlboro lights were approached by an odd looking chap in a trench coat. Up he walks and mumbles something about never having seen such nice looking young men and he’d like to show us something. Eyebrows raised we said alright, and low and behold the mack was opened to reveal an extremely skinny and extremely naked body with possibly the worlds smallest penis putting on a brave but futile show. Now I know that had I been on my own this may have been pretty bloody disturbing. As it was, after a second of incredulity, I creased up laughing. My mate A, who was something of a wit by schoolboy standards, managed to stop smirking long enough to pronounce that his was much bigger than that and he was only 12. The would-be molester was not best pleased with our lack of shock/interest/terror/pleasure in having seen his shriveled cock and proceeded to try and grab the nearest, and smallest, of us, S. Now S was a slight blonde lad with angelic features who had all the mothers cooing and would soon have all the girls fainting. It was only us, his mates, that new him to be an utter utter bastard. The dirty old man found this out when he grabbed S by the T-shirt and then immediately had to let go after S put his cigarette out on the fellas hand.


Screaming and cursing he backed off slightly and started to describe in graphic detail what he was going to do to each and every one of us. As teenage lads we were impressed by his use of the common vernacular and, had in been directed at others, may have been tempted to offer a round of applause. As it was we decided that this particular specimen of oddity was best bought to the attention of the local plod. So A gets out his mobile – God bless technology hey? – and rings her majesty’s finest. Now him of the cocktail sausage knob realizes what we’ve done and decides it might be time to vacate the area with some alacrity. We don’t want our prize getting away however and fall back onto lessons learnt in biology (see kids, it is useful), more precisely a pack hunting approach. The five of us surrounded this lunatic and whenever the opportunity arose we’d dive in and trip/kick/wallop the weirdo. This culminated with a piece of artistry from S and the biggest of our clan, R, that saw S bait the unfortunate wannabe kiddy fiddler to the extent that he lost track of R who preceded to administer, on the run, possibly the biggest boot to the knackers I have ever seen. The word “atomic” was bandied around afterwards in reference to the ultimate wedgie of the same name.


So it was that two officers of the law turned up to find a middle aged man dressed only in a somewhat tattered trenchcoat, socks and shoes, in a foetal position with five teenagers from the local “posh school” around him. The local paper’s headline “Bishops boys crash flashers parade”.
(DarkHarlequin putting babies on spikes since, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 17:29, 4 replies)

Sneak thief
I think I was the victim of a sneak thief in my own home today.

I had finished work this dinnertime, and made myself some bacon sarnies. I sat down to watch telly and knocked the remote off the arm of the settee. In the time it took me to lean over the arm, retrieve the remote and sit back up again my sarnies had gone!!

Whoever did it was in and out in seconds. They must have been fast, as my dog had been lying on the settee with me and she had not even barked at them. They must have scared her though, as she was gulping funnily, and went to lie on her bed while giving me nervous looks.

I'm going to lock the door this teatime, and have some 3 x 2 close to hand. See them get in without me noticing this time!
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 16:48, 2 replies)

And another one....
I was managing a community centre (village hall) in a half horse village huddling in the arsecrack of nowhere a long time ago. Some little twunt and twunts friend started kicking doors of village hall off while I was inside running a youthclub. So I opened doors and punched little twunt in the face. Oh Yeaah Babbbbeeee! He and his twuntish friend called the old bill who turned up damm sharpish (not like the time I called them after we had had a break in) I politely explained to Officer Knob that I had merely poked little twunt in chest while remonstrating about kicking my doors. Showed Officer Knob broken doors (they had been broken for some years) and said I had no idea why little twunts face was sporting such an interesting bruise. Officer Knob and partner put little twunt in car and took statement, then put friend of little twunt in car and took statement. Then little twunt again and then friend of twunt again. Two statement makers, four statements and they where all different! Cue little twunt and twunts friend being driven home crying (16 year old (not) hooligans)in police car. Cue me rolling around on floor pissing myself laughing (with sore knuckles). Vandalism at said village hall dropped by a tiny amount for a tiny amount of time. But hey.. it felt good!
Could do with a question along the lines of crimes I got away with. I would be writing for weeks. Aaah good times...good times...
(godisdove I like cheese, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 16:21, Reply)

That reminds me
I didn't actually see the crime...

I was taking a short cut through the local shitty housing estate one evening. As I passed the pub, a guy came running out with something wrapped in a coat and jumped in a waiting car.

He was closely followed by a guy I recognised as my old karate instructor who was chasing him with a pool cue.

Anyway, the car screeched off down the road with my old karate instructor chasing it and giving it a bashing with his pool cue until if accelerated enough to get away from him.

He spotted me on his way back to the pub so obviously I asked him what was going on. Apparently this guy had come into the pub with a shotgun to threaten the guy my old instructor was playing pool with. So my karate instructor clopped him round the head with a pool cue and chased them off.

It was a normal sort of thing to happen on that estate. Even police vans generally only went there in pairs. One weekend they did a mass raid, sent (allegedly) about 20% of the residents to prison, evicted most of the rest and bulldozed the place. Best thing for it.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 16:11, Reply)

I saw an armed robbery once.
I was just standing in the queue at the bank, happened to look up and see a guy pointing a sawn-off shotgun at the cashier. He wasn't shouting, "This is a robery!" or any of the stuff you see in films, he had just shown the gun to the cashier and was waiting for her to pass him cash to stuff in his bag. In fact, only myself and the cashier had even noticed the robbery.

Once I'd convinced myself that this was actually happening and was wondering whether to pick up the stand for the barrier they make you queue behind and twat the guy with it, he finished his robbery and left.

Obviously CID turned up soon after to take statements etc. It turns out they knew exactly who he was because:

a) He'd chosen to rob the cashier immediately under the CCTV camera.

b) He looked straight into the camera for a couple of seconds before leaving the bank.

c) He was a well-known local moron.

The police were waiting outside his house when he arrived back there about 20 minutes later.

Not funny, but there you go.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 16:03, Reply)

GMEX
I saw someone light a ciggy in the GMEX, which is an enclosed space, last month when I went to see The Verve.
(westhead, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 15:59, 1 reply)

On TV licences
Has anyone heard of someone being caught by a detector van? Because I don't think they exist.
(frankspencer, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 15:48, 30 replies)

Here's one.
I don't have a TV license.

Take that, Gordon Brown! Take that, authority!

I'M A REBEL!
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 15:36, 3 replies)

Coffee Shop
A couple of months ago me my son and his girlfriend were sitting in my local coffee shop. They were across on a weeks Holiday, and enjoying some nice weed which would be a crime back in the UK, but that’s the UK for you.

This coffee shop is small, very small and dark, about 20 patrons and it’s full. I like it, as unlike some coffee shops people talk to each other, the music is good the staff are friendly.

This rather large Dutch guy was standing next to our table with his mate, when the door bursts open and in comes another very large Dutch guy who went straight up to the guy next to us and hits him right in the cob. Well the place explodes. The two guys lay into the new comer, real wild west stuff. All in area you can’t swing a cat in. Of course the staff were none too happy and got stuck in as well. So we just sit there and eventually it all spills out on to the street leaving the three of us sitting there in an empty shop.

We finish our drinks and wander out to find the fight had broken up, leaving one guy stabbed in the arm and one guy unconscious on the ground. I had gotten to know the stabbed chap so went and had a look, it wasn’t to bad so we left before the Police arrived.

The outcome, the shop was closed for a couple of days.

This one I didn’t see luckily, two weeks ago in another coffee shop in a different city. The original story was a guy let off a hand grenade injuring a few people and killed him self in the process. That wasn’t what happened though, the guy took the grenade to the shop was playing with it when it went off, one of the injured by standers was a bit annoyed so he shot the guy dead.
(nee22 NL ExPat, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 15:11, 1 reply)

Not so much witnessed...
Not so much witnessed by myself, althoguh I heard the noise and commotion caused by it.

Security guards can be awful. I often think that it is better to have no security than the poor effort you get from some of them. First a little bit of background.

I live in some halls of accomodation in Sheffield. These halls have 24/7 security guards, electronic locks all over the place and CCTV covering every entry point. However, when the security guards are so inept it can be difficult to see the point of all this stuff we pay for. ou're lucky to get one that understands and speaks english, I've more than once had to play scherades with a security guard so I could understand what he was trying to say! Our security are SUPPOSED to monitor the cameras and then do a tour of the premises every hour or so, whilst having a radio+mobile on them to recieve any calls. There is asecurity buzzer box thing in the foyer that puts us right through to them. You can often come back and just witness them watching Sky sports on the receptions giant plasma or even better, asleep with their feet up on the nice leather sofas in plain view of the entrance to the site. Now to the story...

A drunken girl comes home from partying out that night, she is on her own on returning to our halls. She has lost her key and cannot get into the building. She has however managed to get into the compound by flagging down the security guard who recognises her face (or her chest). He lets her in through the firs electronic gate, then through the next electronic door into the halls buildings. She has by this time let him know she cannot find her key and is wailing like a banshee whilst flailing her arms like an inefficient windmill. She is finding it difficult to retain her upright position and so the security guard very kindly holds her up and helps her into the building and up the stairs. She lets him know which flat and room she lives in so he can let her in. He not only lets her into her flat but then into her individual room too (funny how it was locked from the inside though...). He then stands there checking she is able to get undressed and into bed - just as all good perverted security guards do! Then walks off. I mentioned the door was locked from the inside, this is because this is not the drunken girls room. It is infact some other poor sods room and this other poor sod is fast asleep in her bed in there. Drunken girl gets in to the bed, realises there is someone else in there too. Starts kicking and screaming and generally beating the shit out of this poor girl. Security guard comes back as he hears the commotion as he is leaving (if he'd gone any further who knows what would have happened!). He watches the fight for a few moments before realising what has happened and seperates the girls. The girl who was asleep in her own locked room is now unconscious and has to be taken to hospital as a result of the drunken girl turning her seven shades of purple. Imagine being woken up like that...

An example of when 'security' goes wrong.
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 15:11, 1 reply)

You know, if you think about it...
...you could probably fill pages with the various crimes you've witnessed and not really thought about. Here's my attempt. Oh God... where to start?

I have witnessed, and quite probably participated in at least some of:

- Drugs being purchased (and sold)
- Drugs being used (many counts to be taken into consideration)
- Vehicles driven under the influence of drugs (thought not alcohol)
- Alcohol being sold to underage people
- Tobacco being sold to underage people
- Actually, pretty much anything with an age restriction... well, you get the picture.
- Many and varied assaults (I've been on the receiving end of a few too)
- Shoplifting (In shops I didn't work in)
- Theft (in shops I DID work in)
- Breaking and entering (OK, abandonded buildings, but it still counts)
- Blasphemy (see first line of this post)
- Speeding - on cars, motorbikes, vans, cycles, skis, boats. If it moves...
- Criminal damage - thought I'm sure he didn't think that dancing on the roof of the car would leave a dent?
- Various types of aiding, abetting and counseling regarding the commission of a crime
- Failing to purchase a television license
- Sticking postage stamps upside down (Yeah! Take that Ma'am!)
- Breaching copyright (remember - home taping is killing music, kids)
- Numerous health and safety violations
- Public nudity (there's one there for a future QOTW)
- Animal cruelty
- Mobile phones being turned on before the engines have been stopped (and seatbelts being unfastened - Why dammit? Does it kill you to wait that extra 30 seconds?)
- Smuggling (green channel for me!)
...I suspect there might be a few more too!

On the plus side, I'm very happy that I've never actually witnessed a murder, child abuse (beyond the occasional slap), rape, terrorism, kidnapping, riots, hijacking, espionage, or indeed treason (unless you count the stamp thing above).

Hmmm. Just realised that I could probably have started answering QOTWs a little earlier than now!

Belated *pop* from the last post!
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 15:08, 1 reply)

It's been a long day
It were a rainy winter day and I'd caught a particularly bad bought of food-poisoning. Being the stoic hunk of a man that I am though, I decided to go into work anyway.

We'd been surveying a building due to be demolished the next day and I'd had to go back because I'd stupidly left my mobile there on the second floor.

When I arrived though, the ominous gut rumblings started. I was helpless: resistance was futile. This was coming out, and I didn't fancy facing the pants-pocolypse that would result if I didn't do something.

"Well" I thought "The building is due to be demolished anyway..."

They'd left a bucket to collect debris from a full-length window cavity they'd recently de-windowed, so I thought I'd be vaguely civilized and use it to deposit my own "debris". I even had a tissue in my pocket to wipe myself up with afterwards!

My bowel barrage was finished and the crisis was averted. Unfortunately, I became a bit too confident and whilst doing my "yay I didn't project shit all down my clothes" dance I knocked the bucket through the empty cavity and into the street below.

Ah.

Peering timidly over, I saw that whilst the bucket had landed safely on the pavement, it's contents had exited mid-flight, and found a new home on a black-and-white dressed street performer. To make matters worse, the rain spread it right down as he could only look on in his characteristic silence. He was now covered in the shit and debris, it had formed another layer over his clothing like a giant three-piece shit suit with a building debris finish.


That's right, I shit-dressed a mime.


I'm so sorry. Someone had to try a pun...
(Adamish Time of death, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 14:52, 5 replies)

Black belt?
My friends and I are not 'hard', but at least one of our number holds a black belt in one of the unpronounceable martial arts. Quite handy if you get into hot water you would think? Not so as I found out when a drunken psycho started screaming if I 'wanted some'. I looked over to my friend only to see him disappearing into the middle distance. I looked back to my new acquaintance in time for his fist to impact on my jaw, breaking it. Cunt.
(brycemonkey No fatal accidents since:, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 14:24, 3 replies)

Drunken witness statement...
My friend used to be a student at Warwick University, and lived on campus his first year (handily next to the Union as he is fond of a tipple).
One afternoon/evening he was fixing himself several pints of extra spicy bloody mary, when he noticed several 'Yoofs' outside his residence. It was obvious to him that they did not belong to the student community and were loitering on Campus. The several pints of bloody mary must have given him some Dutch courage and he stared at them in a disapproving manner. His bravado faded pretty quickly when one of the larger members of the group approached his lounge window and punched his fist right through it. This done the group of unsavory types fled the scene and my friend called campus security in an agitated state.
After relating to them what happened they boarded up his window and told them that the police would be round to take a statement. My friend then decided that he should go to the Union and get a drink or three to steady his nerves. He returned 3 hours later, the incident quite forgotten in a haze of booze, to find 2 coppers awaiting his return. He told them that he had been out for a walk and tried to appear as sober as possible. He then proceeded to give them a brilliantly detailed account of the earlier incident. He described the yoofs, what they were wearing; distinguishing features; the lot. He was very proud that he had held it together under the police questioning. That was until one of the coppers dropped his pen, my friend bent down to retrieve it for him, and fell over. He then proceeded to roll around on the floor laughing like a loon. The police left pretty soon after, the culprits were never caught.
(brycemonkey No fatal accidents since:, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 14:18, 1 reply)

Junkies
Fucking scumbags. Spotted one shoplifting in WH Smith in Glasgow Central Station a while ago, but didn't bother my arse saying anything.

What's the point? Confront the dirty fucker and you'll likely get stuck with a hypo, carrying a wide and tempting variety of contagion.

His theft of choice? A box of mint triangle chocolates.

Hrmmm, AIDS or chocolate

Why do they always nick complete shite that people don't want?

I also saw a girl take a dump in a phonebox outside that station - broad daylight. Says it all tbh.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 14:16, 2 replies)

slip of the tongue = gang warfare
Well not quite gang warfare as the 2 families were already seething with hatred for each other.

This was back in the 90s (around summer 1996 I think). There are 2 families who didn't get on at all in my little town. I won't give names as that probably wouldn't be to clever and any readers from my area would have no trouble guessing who they are. I'll call one family X and the other Y.

Each family had 2 or 3 brothers - i can't remember how many for sure but whenever they met in the same pub it was always a good idea to hide in a corner or leave as trouble was guaranteed.

One of the brothers from Y gave one of the brothers from X a sound beating and put him in hospital for about 3weeks. The elder of clan X knew that it was one of the Y brothers but hadn't had it confirmed. I was told about the beating by a mate in the pub. This particular pub had a front and a back bar. I was in the front the bar when I was told the story.

Roughly half an hour later I went in to the back bar for a game of pool and told the story to a mate. Elder X was sat at the bar. I didn't know as I was pissed and didn't see him. He heard everything and wasn't to chuffed. He asked me in a very aggresive manner how I knew and if I had anything to do with it. This is a guy you really don't mess with. I cleared the air a little and went off for a little wee. My mate (I was told after) had to stop the raging pyscho from following me in order to extract more info.

fast forward to the next night - a warm summer Sunday night.

Elder X come into the pub next door from the one from the prior evening and slams a LOADED ammo clip on the bar and tells everyone in earshot of what he will do to clan Y. The landlord asked him politely to put it away. He did. There was a slight air of menace but people generally carried on with drinking and no more was thought of it. Elder X invited a few people to see what he had in his car boot. They all declined.

Monday morning.

There is a car park across the road from my parent house. I woke to see loads of police and men in white suits putting a car on the back of truck. Yup, forensic officers. It turns out that Elder X wasn't joking the night before and drove to the house of Elder Y and blasted his house a couple of times with a shotgun in order to extract revenge for the beating his brother recieved.

They 2 families still don't see eye to eye and are still considered a wee bit dangerous now 10 years later. Elder X is actually quite a nice bloke if you don't piss him off. I say hello to him occasionly if I see him about. He doesn't remember me being the bloke that set of this series of unfortunate events and I'm really not going to remind him!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 14:06, Reply)

Harrow
Is apparently the safest London borough.

This is because all our chavs are far too incompetent to mug us properly.

Upon being asked the time by a Burberry-clad youth, I looked at my watch and responded
"'bout 4:30 mate"

"Oh yeah, but what about the time on your phone bleds? Is you got a phone? Can I see your phone?"

I swiftly responded by asking him to foxtrot oscar.

Come to think of it, Harrow isn't that safe. On my brother's first day working at the local college, someone got stabbed. He was in security hut by the gate, totally oblivious.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 13:51, 4 replies)

Burning Car
Last year some local ruffians set fire to a stolen car opposite my house, my girlfriend dutifully called the police and informed them of said car and where to find it.

They then insisted to the point of rudeness that she tell them what colour it was.

Seeing that the cars petrol tank had exploded by this point and the tarmac surrounding it was gently bubbling away this seemed rather a moot point to her but they wouldn’t let it lie

I wished she'd said charcoal grey, but she didn't, she lied and said it was red
(Batemonkey, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 13:49, Reply)

Witnessing a crime
I witnessed the Channel 4 board of directors give the go-ahead for another series of Big Brother.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 13:49, 2 replies)