Uni halls
During my first year of uni the same few groups of kids always wanted to piss around in my halls of residence. Most of them wanted to skateboard or BMX around a little group of steps, which tore the flagstones up to hell. Mostly we ignored those lot.
But one day I wake up around 2pm to the sound of spray paint cans being emptied.
I get dressed into whatever seemed cleanest and step outside to see a group of kids a few years older than the norm, closer to 16 than 13. All of them had spray paint, and all of them were tagging the brickwork, windows and general empty spaces that were within arms reach.
I thought that a quick shout of "Oi, what do you think you're doing?" would shift them, it nearly always did with the younger ones.
But the cry of "Fuck off you lanky haired cunt" drifted over to me, followed by some sniggers while the rest of the group laughed at the head-honcho-dick-head.

So I walk at him.
The fact all the other kids were swarming round the speaker told me he was the boss. Or, at least, he thought he was the boss.
And after 5 years of beasting layabout cadets, I know how to shout at someone.

"What did you just say to me, maggot? You aren't worthy of breathing the same air as me you horrible little man! If I had any sense, I'd rip you open and spread your guts from here to the holy land to stop you fouling this earth with your very being!" Screams me, loud enough so that anyone in the rest of the halls is now coming to my aid.
All the time I was less than 1/8th of an inch from his face, nose to nose, only I was taller and so had to lean over him.
"You pox ridden horrible excuse for the shit I've just had, I thought I'd flushed you away! You should have told me you could climb out of the toilet! I'd have forced you down to where you belong, lad, have no fear of that! And what are you drawing here? It looks like Da Vinci has taken speed and started pissing against a wall! You call this art, boy? You wouldn't know art if it jumped off the floor and inserted itself length ways into your lower colon!"....

I had to keep it up for about 5 minutes, but the little bastard and his gang slinked off uni property and never came back.
I think the cheer I got from the first floor as I walked back in made it all the sweeter.
( Pointy Head poked another hole in my anorak on, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 6:01, 2 replies)

Pure class...
...I wish I could learn to shout such creative abuse as that.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 12:08, closed)

If only
he'd ended up crying, woulda been perfect
"click"
(kitescreech still here, Tue 19 Feb 2008, 8:00, closed)