the gimp
At the moment i have been lumbered with a hopeless 17 year old as an "assistant" atcually hes the bosses nephew although it would never be admitted in public. Technicaly he is on work experience with us so this counts.

To set the scene i work in a car dealership where they sell something that sounds similar to the French word for lemon.


His first day started badly when without asking he changed my radio station , there are certain things you just dont do.


Day 2 . I asked him to scrape a sticker off the back windscreen of a car and handed him a brand new single edged razor blade still in its cardboard sleeve. I go off to do something else 5 mins later i return thinking he must be done but no he is holding on to the cardboard and trying to use the protected edge to remove the sticker. His excuse "you didnt tell me to take the cardboard off". Next i asked him to reinstall a seat in a car that had been to our auto trimmers , as i had removed the seat the day prior the tools were still in it a screwdriver and a ratchet. I told him all the tools you need are in the back so he sets off . It should have of been a 10min job he too 45. It may have been quicker but the gimp spent 25 min trying to tighten the bolts with the ratchet set the wrong way (remember i had taken them out) He couldnt work out why they wouldnt tighten so he just sat there doing more of the same .


I cant even trust the gimp with a hose and chamois to wash the cars in the morning....... no really iv lost count of the number of ways thats been screwed up. Last week he forgot how to operate a tap . Its not hard turn it one way and water comes out , turn it the other and it stops. Most of us master this at about 3 and a half years and dont forget it.


this monday he had a battle of whitts with the hose and lost. It must be painful to go through life this stupid . Just today i sent the twit down to our mechanics for a long stand. he went after asking 3 times for directions there . Its only around the corner and over a set of lights ,honestly i ask you. The strange thing is that when he got back the lad was none the wiser as to what had transpired.

It goes without saying that under no circumstances is he allowed to drive any of the cars.
There are many more things i could tell you about but i thing this is a top sample of his boneheaded behaviour . Wouldnt even make the grade as a supermarket trolly collector.




First posting please be gentle with the size
(welgar, Wed 16 May 2007, 9:31, Reply)

Late entry....
Showed my old man this site last night, and after laughing his way through some of the stories, he asked me to add one of his own.

My old man used to work away as a contractor on sites across the country, primarily building large supermarkets. As has already been covered in these pages, building sites can be rough on the new guy.

A tale that stood out was of a new labourer, who for some reason, decided to continually annoy the concrete layers....

To the point, that one day, as he did his usual, the concrete layers grabbed him, and threaded a length of scaffold through the arms of his overalls... then attached him to a length of cable and signalled tyheir mate... who was a crane driver, who hoisted the lad 200ft in the air.

And there he stayed, high above newcastle, while the rest of the lads, went for lunch.
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Wed 16 May 2007, 9:03, Reply)

What
I used to work in an internet (but mainly gaming) cafe, where we got all sorts, naturally.

My 'favourite' was an older man that would hang around constantly, asking for help with his computer or harassing customers. ("What game are you playing? What is it called? Is it fun? It looks difficult. What is that guy over there playing? Can you play together?" Etc.)

One day he eyed me a few times and finally asked "So, are you a boy or a girl?"

"I'm female," I said blankly, somewhat relishing in the incredulous stares from all sides. (I was wearing a tank top--I get the feeling if I'd been wearing a two piece bathing suit he might have asked anyway.)

"Oh. Couldn't tell."

And then he proceeded to stare at me and do the wink-wink, nudge-nudge to my friend.
(Rem Sir, why are you thrashing about on the floor?, Wed 16 May 2007, 6:41, Reply)

Out, damned spot, out I say!
I once was lucky enough to have lunch with Monica Lewinsky (a lovely and very intelligent woman). Now that was an interesting work experience story!

Length - apparently not bad for a leader of the Western World!
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Wed 16 May 2007, 2:46, Reply)

Probably should have got sacked
Not work experience, that was spent working in a primary school where my mum worked and therefore no oppertunity for mischief.

My internship however was a completely different matter.

Working for a large company in department where I travelled quite a lot (which upset all the other interns) managed to get away with:

- Expensing hotel porn channels as 'breakfast'.

- A £100 bar tab between 2 people put down as business lunch, people on the expense report included my boss who signed it off and wasn't even in the same country as me at the time.

- Playing games because I needed to 'test' them.

- Showing up for work having not even gone back to my hotel that night. Fell asleep in a storage cupboard.

- Being asked if I liked group sex by a middle aged Saudi who insisted I should come back to meet his wife (I didn't).

- Telling a co-worker that "I don't care, because I'm quite quite drunk" (in my defense it was at an after-party, and I was).

- Telling the same co-worker that if she bothered me one more time I'd "Strangle the life right out of her".

At one point I actually got put in charge of a work experience kid. He insisted on sitting around singing that song by The Automatics (Whats that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?) so I locked him in the store cupboard.
(UranusHertz is interested in astronomy and electronics, Wed 16 May 2007, 0:51, Reply)

Somehow
I always managed to drop out of our school's administrative net completely by accident. It was great for stuff the was compulsory and shit (like cross country - ugh) but eventually I decided that work experience might actually be a good thing to get some of. So, that summer holiday I signed up for two things.

I spent one week in a hospice shadowing the doctors and nurses. I mainly helped the nurses though, as they were the ones who were pretty much doing everything. Doctors took histories when the patients came in, then vanished. Instead, I learnt how to mix the various cocktails of drugs needed for effective palliative care, how to open those dangerous glass vial thingies the drugs come in with a flick of the thumb, how to use the bathing machine to bath old people, how to give old men enemas (o.0) and how to make lots and lots of tea. No, no, it wasn't for others. We all made lots of tea to keep us awake. I'd never had the stuff before and I was still nodding off in staff meetings. Patients dying on you takes it our of you.

The next week I worked at a barristers' inns of court in Temple. I read through all the cases, helped look up old cases, sat in while we met the clients and sat in on court while the opposition put forward their case - their lawyer showed up late and looked like he'd just got out of bed and had forgotten when he'd left his porrigde oats. I also ended up checking all their cases for medical inconsistencies. I got offered a job there if I ever did decide to be a lawyer...

Then, in 'real' work I did that ridiculous 72 hour care shift, worked as a cleaner, and worked for a year part time as a dishwasher. Ah, the joys of student life! But it's all ok, I'm doing an art degree, so when I graduate I can...um...ah well.

Met the barrister I worked for a couple of months back. He still thinks I should join them. Hum.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Wed 16 May 2007, 0:43, Reply)

Hinkley Point Power Station
Thought this was a pretty cool place for work experience.
They went out of their way to make us feel welcome, and showed us around the power station.
We were struck by the huge scale of the place, and the nerdish terror of being 10M from a radioactive reactor core was great.
On one tour we walked into a giant concrete room, imagine a huge car-park of a place full of concrete pillars. On the floor was an electric extension lead. Our tour took us along the path of the lead. Eventually we got to the end of it. In the middle of this giant room was a guy playing games on a BBC micro.
Loved It.
Also the size of the eels caught in the filters would scare the bejebus out of me today.
(BigAndyBee, Wed 16 May 2007, 0:11, Reply)

I
I wanted to do engineering.

The closest thing avaialable was a pottery.
What?

They sent me to make everyone tea. I walked to kitchen, looked at the kettle and sighed. I cannot be arsed with this for a week.
So, I went outside and I kept going, and went home. Noone noticed I didn't go back.

So I spent my work experience on the beach. Everyone was happy.
(inflateable, Tue 15 May 2007, 22:37, Reply)

I worked in a school doing techie business with techie people.
I fell asleep in a stock cupboard.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Tue 15 May 2007, 21:45, Reply)

Dad is a bastard
My dad told me about how he'd been looking after a work experience kid at The GPO (as British Telecom was known before it became BT!) and while this kid was out with my dads gang learning about telephone lines and the like, my kind father called the depot and got one of the repair guys to weld this kids locker shut. The poor kid went back and spent hours trying to open his locker, and when they eventually took pity on him, he found that the heat of the welding torch had burnt big holes in his shirt and jacket. But my dad was the boss, so it was tough shit! Ha!
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Tue 15 May 2007, 21:45, Reply)

Complete-lack-of-work experience
I did my weeks' (or was it two...?) work experience in Whiteinch Library. It was fucking ace. Admittedly I had to put the books on the shelves but I was particularly good at that. I basically put books on shelves in a nice quiet library (since closed) and sit about in the local history room doing fuck all. People left me alone and I did like wise and we were all very happy! Heaven. 13 years on, my job now however is a little more busy, noisy and stressful. Arse biscuits.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Tue 15 May 2007, 21:40, Reply)

It'll be fine
15 years old, got sent to a civil engineering consultancy for a week. Fucking bored to tears, nothing interested me in the slightest, didn' get payed and generally hated everything about it. Spent the whole week surfing teh tinterweb and flicking the window over to a CAD programme when anyone came in. Made a vow to myself and parents I would never have anything to do with it again.

I'm now not far of graduating with a masters in civil and structural engineering.

Ah well.
(Is this it like eggs but better, Tue 15 May 2007, 20:54, Reply)

Bra?
When I were a mere nipper and young enough to have work experience thrust upon me, I wanted to be an engineer in the RAF.I informed the school of my intentions and was quite pleased when my placement letter came through at an aviation engineering factory.

The date arrived, and excitedly got a bus to said location. Arrived and went to reception in my big DM's and jeans. Waited a while and was ushered upstairs by, I assumed, an office assistant. Quite fit and about 19, looked far above my station. Once upstairs she introduced me to various people around the office and showed me where the toilets and kitchen were. Not bad I thought, but where's all the big lathes, drills, honers etc.

I was a little taken back when Missy asked if I knew how to work a photocopier. As I said, this was a while ago and these contraptions had only just come out, but I knew what to do, sort of.

Anyway, I carry on doing this until lunchtime when we all go down to the canteen and Missy asks what I thought of the day so far. When I told her what I thought I would be doing and what I ultimately wanted to do she was a little taken aback and realised that the school had made a cock up. She said she would have a word with the boss to sort it out and get me to the factory which was on a different site, at the airport funnily enough.

I carried on working the afternoon, when Missy called me over to her desk where she was standing but leaning on the desk with her hands. She wanted to show me what to do with some more crappy paperwork, however what she actually showed me was a full view of her pert breasts braless. I could have seen her breakfast her top was open that much.

It happened everyday. Low cut top and not a bra in sight!! Great breats and made my week!!

Only made it to the factory on friday morning, but rushed round as I wanted to get back and letch down Missys top.

The last afternoon went so fast and said to her that she changed my mind about office work. She even gave me a peck on the cheek to say goodbye.

Then I made her.........
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 15 May 2007, 18:35, Reply)

...
I was the tea-bitch, and they made me wear a hat saying that i was in fact, the tea bitch.
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Tue 15 May 2007, 18:21, Reply)

First Job
A friend of mine had an interesting first job he left School and went to work at an office on the outskirts of the City Centre. It was a fairly easy job, a bit of filing, making the tea etc.
There were quite a few people in and out of the office all day and not an awful amount of work seemed to be done, it was mainly people hanging around and then going off for meetings.
Soon he gained a bit of trust and more responsibility, mainly going round the local area delivering messages to pubs and other small businesses. The messages never seemed to mean anything and were along the lines of ' *Frank says its OK for 3 o'clock'. When he was delivering the messages he was always asked how *Frank was and 'Oh you must be one of *Mr Jeffreys boys'
It wasn't until a few years later the when the young lad had got a new job and had more life experience that he realised his first job was with the local gangsters and the office was just a front.

*Names changed to protect me
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Tue 15 May 2007, 17:59, Reply)

Worked at a primary school
Did the whole classroom assistant thing, but the teacher was a bitch and kept patronising me so I told the kids she hated them. Luckily she shared the job with another teacher who was lovely, and I told them on the last day she was teaching them.

It was fun to watch them all strop at her for an hour though, without getting found out. Plus, the nice teacher gave me a glowing report to take back to my school.

Oh, I also told the kids that if you fail your GCSEs, they make you do secondary school again, which amused me.

*pop* my vag is bleeding.
(Pik3y shagged your dad on, Tue 15 May 2007, 17:23, Reply)

On work experience with Portugese Police Missing Persons Divsion
On the first day I was told by my 'boss' to go out and find a 'big eyed child' - yeah right! If that's not a "wind up the work experience boy gag" then I don't know what is!

So me and the lads have been hiding in the basement of the police station, playing cards and drinking sangria (very quietly!)

Adeus!
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Tue 15 May 2007, 17:21, Reply)

Rejected.
I was not allowed to go on Work Experience cos I knocked fuck out of John Pumphrey for throwing a stone at Justine Clarke.

John is now dead I beleive, fell off a cliff in Greece.

Ironically he was a mechanic.

See what I did there? See? Did You?

Get to fuck - work is fucking shite anyway.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Tue 15 May 2007, 16:50, Reply)

Still more co-op stories...
While I worked as a co-op student at the Major Corporation, I had my first serious encounter with Dilbert-style corporate wankage.

The guy two levels up the food chain from me was a dead ringer for Bill Lumbergh from "Office Space". He was my boss's boss- and my boss was named Bob.

Thank god neither of them had ever seen that movie, so I was free to quote it with impunity.

"I was told that you missed a couple of hours the other day, Paul."

"I wouldn't say that I missed it, Bob..."
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 15 May 2007, 15:55, Reply)

In a camera shop
Nothing particulary special or super-amusing.

Except the owner did bear an uncanny and frightening resemblance to the Monopoly Man.

Seriously, a real dead-ringer.
Cue two weeks of stifled laughter.
(Exploding. Plastic. Inevitable. failed to see the light on, Tue 15 May 2007, 15:34, Reply)

Work Experience
I went to college for Hospitality and got the degrees in the feild. I was an eager pup and was eventually hired in for a "Front desk Manager" position at a local hotel, one that I had never heard of. It wasn't too long until I started to see our cities fine assortment of crackheads and wierdo coming in and out.

At one point a Transvestite of the larger variety checked in, and would recieve more visitors that I could have ever guessed. I discovered where the 'johns' were going when a deaf mute came in with a Teletext print out of a conversation with "Lola" (i can't make this up. ... )

but the most bizarre thing I ever saw was when She came down out of her room to help one of her clients in.. it was a quadrapoligic midgit in an electric padded wheelchair. I just shook my head. ... but I guess quadrapoligic midgits need loving too. (he stayed two hours rather than the customary one)
(commodified =*, Tue 15 May 2007, 14:23, Reply)

In a chemists shop age 12ish I think
At certain points they let us dispense the medicine (well, count and pour tablets into their tubs) which could have caused a few overdoses, but the first couple of days me and the other guy there were stuck on the counter in the shop.

First customer, elderly gent - "got anything for incontinence?". Laugh? I nearly pissed myself....
(Zutroy started without you, Tue 15 May 2007, 13:35, Reply)

A TV zapped my teacher
my old physics teacher did work experience in a TV shop. He told us how, on his first day, he carried a (metal) tray of cups of tea into the work room.

Electricity arced from one of the tellies to the tray, flinging him out through a pair of double doors, where he landed in the middle of the shop looking rather surprised.
(teasus likes tea, Tue 15 May 2007, 12:05, Reply)

Do they still let 11 year old kids do this?
In primary school, in primary 7 (the last year of primary school ~11 years old for the English/Yanks) we all got to take turns going in groups, one afternoon a week to the local special needs school to help out. Nothing too strenous or complicated really (we were 11) but joining in and helping look after the kids alongside the regular teachers and helpers.

The best bit was the 'safe play room', basically a room with padded walls, and lots of blocks and wedges and balls you could muck about with without bashing your head on anything. Great fun for the kids at the school, and naturally just as much fun for the 11 year old helpers...
There was another cool room called the 'sensory room' (if I remembered the name right, it was ten years ago) dulled lights, and lots of stuff like dangling fibre optics that lit up prettily, those big tubes of water that had bubbles flowing through them and all sorts.

The best bit was that the school was just over the fields to the back of my house, so cut the walk home afterwards to half of what I would have had to walk if I was at school instead.

Sadly now closed, as many useful council establishments are. with plans for the lovely new international school full of the rich teenagers of the oil industry to be rebuilt there when the new bypass flattens that. Fantastic.
(442, Tue 15 May 2007, 11:37, Reply)

work experience when I was 15
Around the age of 15 I got it into my head that I wanted to be Doctor (which has since been abandoned as i'm now well on the way to being a lawyer). I did two weeks work experience at the museum at the Royal College of Surgeons.

During that time I was given a number of things to do: I helped changed the fluid in various anatomy samples, spending hours moving money skulls from one box to another, helping to organise some of the terrifying things in the store rooms, cataloging vaginal speculums and sitting in on human disections.

Although I since changed my mind about being a doctor when I found out i'd have to do chemstry A level, it was still more fun that the two weeks at the travel agents or the old folks home that other people at my school did.
(tomatosoup, Tue 15 May 2007, 10:29, Reply)

My old flatmate from my student days
had a succession of summer jobs, those being a window cleaner, bookmaker's assistant and gravedigger.

After each summer he'd come back an "expert" in his field. So we used to go into the bookie's on the way back to the flat every day, whereupon he'd put a pound or so on a dog or a horse. I never saw him win a penny yet.

Worse still was the window cleaning, when he used to hang out of the flimsy windows of our second floor flat to clean the outsides. 30 feet above spiked railings. At least the windows got cleaned now and again, which is more than they usually did.

To the best of my knowledge he didn't try to bury anyone though!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 15 May 2007, 10:16, Reply)

my friend sam
whom those of you who read the post will remember as the one who killed the canary during our duke of edinburgh care for animals got herself a job in an old people's home when she was 17. many many stories involving shit, puke, obscenities, flashing and trapping an old man's nob under a mattress and stretching it, but one in particular stands out for me:

there was an old woman named annie who was very difficult. she liked to wander around in her nightie, flashing her bare old lady bush and growling at people who looked away. this sunday, some of her family had driven up from london to see her. but annie did not want to be removed from her easy access nightie.

somehow the task of getting easy annie dressed fell to the work experience kid, so sam had to try and do it. annie, who had no idea what day of the week it was, nonetheless had a feral instinct about when there was going to be an attempt to dress her. there was a guttural snarl as sam entered the room, and annie came at her with a wire coathanger.

at this point, sam calmly turned around and walked out. she came back with a giant pair of kitchen scissors, growled back and cut the nightie clean open and then in half.

annie was so shocked that she let sam dress her and was as meek and mild as milk. but she did get her own back when she shat herself on the walk downstairs...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 May 2007, 10:05, Reply)

Work experience
Back in the days when work experience meant something (i.e. before any concept of health and safety) my mate and I were sent to a local ASDA distribution warehouse to "get some experience of the world". Quite how this was intending to assist two (very) public school boys I have no idea but, after the obligatory kickings were meted out by the assorted pre chav chavs we settled down to corrupting their innocent ways as we were completely unconcerned as to long term employment so were focussed in a different, and more creative, direction.

Having persuaded most of the more senior (you could tell by the lack of clarity of their tattoos) staff to leg it for the afternoon Mark and I proceeded to teach ourselves to drive the forklifts which, I will be frank, was pretty smegging easy.

Having set up a course around the warehouse that was largely created by the use of "ready for dispatch" boxes of crimbo shit for ASDA, we then hurtled around the inside of this cavern whilst the Neanderthals cheered us on. Being souls of generous nature we passed the helm of the forklifts onto the most vocal of these chaps who, in an effort to show the posh kids how these things should be driven, managed to drive the larger of the trucks out of the warehouse. Through the wall. The smaller one, with its forks fully raised, impaled the cab of a rather nice looking HGV that had just pulled in to the warehouse to be loaded.

Public school teaches one a lot of things. How to present oneself as completely innocent of all goings on is one key lesson.

Result was that the work experience boys (myself and Mark) were paid handsomely for the next week whilst we did all the work of the recently sacked chavs whilst we rejoiced in the vindication of the true social order.

After fifteen years as a criminal lawyer I must say that not a lot has changed! Darwinism in action.
(Mediaslut, Tue 15 May 2007, 6:07, Reply)

not so much my work experience....
as i'm 'merican, but.......

when i was an officer at a maximum security prison, we would send all the new officers off looking for things like 'keys to the basement' (no specific basement need be named as there was no basement) or tell them to get out the offenders that are the Warden's chior. but the most fun of all is something we could get a particular offender to do. this offender was a serial killer known for cutting out his victim's eyes........so we would trot any particurlarly annoying new officer over to his cell and the offender would say "you sure do have pretty eyes"

scared the crap out of them every time!!


length? 2 freaking miles across the unit those newbies had to run to get away..........
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 15 May 2007, 4:17, Reply)

powerhouse motorcycles
kentish town road. circa 1992 or so...

not going to go into detail here, its late and i cant be arsed. but the long and the short of it is: the senior mechanic decided he was a lazy cunt and he asked me to move a zephyr 1200 from the front of the shop to the back of it. the bike weighed abut 700lb. at 15 years old i weighed about 120... dropped the fucker only a zxr600 whish fell onto a vrago, which fell onto another zephyr etc etc etc... caused about 3 grands worth of panel damage to about 7 bikes...

they asked me back the next day, where i promptly cross threaded the engine bolts on the same bike i dropped the day before..

i was there for two weeks in the end *shrug*
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Tue 15 May 2007, 2:50, Reply)