Everything I do, I do it purely for me...
Regrets? I've had a few, but then again...

I met him in a vodka bar whilst a bit drunk.

I met him again two days later and we ended up going back to mine.

He had a cock like a button mushroom.

He lasted one thrust.

He kept his leather jacket and white socks on.

But the worst thing of all? After he rolled off, I realised who he reminded me of...

Brian Adams

*cries*
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 9:52, Reply)

Story
.
A tale went around my hometown when I was a nipper about a bloke called Big Steve.

Alledgedly, Big Steve had picked up some girl and was making the Beast With Two Backs when she started to moan:

"Hurt me! Hurt me! Hurt me you big fucker!!"

So Big Steve, being an obliging sort of chap, nutted her smack on her nose. Blood everywhere. And then was suprised when she threw him out of her flat.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 9:49, Reply)

Tiggy (contd)
Ok, so she's had a lot of crap shags, but there's one thing in common to all of the tales.... ;-)
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 19 Jun 2007, 9:23, Reply)

Tiggy
You're not wrong, Tiggy the Diver should have her own QOTW.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 9:13, Reply)

don't have sex with fat women

there'll be all the more for me.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 9:12, Reply)

To Errr, David....
Its not so much having a cock up your arse, its more the feeling that you're having a shit. Backwards.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 8:44, Reply)

Just sitting back and waiting
to see how many guys Tiggythe Diver has actually shagged, let alone the worst ones.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 7:26, Reply)

Uni Sex
To cut a long story short (and to make sure I can never get fully hard)

Was having jack-rabbit sex with a young filly over a desk and we booth seemed to be enjoying it. Decided to pull it out and really thrust it in. Unfortunately, I missed, thrust little Willy head first into the side of the desk and seriously, wholeheartedly cried for about 10 minutes. My erection wouldn't go away and after 2 days my knob went purple. Shuffled to the uni GP the next day, got it sorted but to this day, I'm still slightly scared of sex.
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 1:54, Reply)

You've probably heard of the 'Donkey Punch'.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donkey_punch, just in case you hadn't.

Anyway, my friends and I thought this was tremendously funny and went through a phase of referencing it. Then our (very experienced) American friend managed to top it with an act she called the 'Mexican Avalanche'.

Quoth, veritas: "Come in her hair then throw her down the stairs."

Poetic.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 1:51, Reply)

Lookalikes and Cheap one-liners
Here goes..

Whilst wiggling my way drunkenly around a club with friends on a saturday night I bumped into a guy who I had known(and fancied the pants off) for years

The guy in question is what I can only describe as a bit of a Beckham-a-like, and certainly has no shortage of interest from the ladies

Now,I was having an utterly crap night upto this point so decided to saunter over for a chat which went something along the lines of :

Becks: Alright?

Me: Yeah not bad ta, how's your night going?

Becks: Ah a bit crap actually I'm really bored, lookin for some fun to be honest..

Me: Yeah know the feeling mate *grin*

Becks: Ah well *shrug* fancy a fuck?

Me: *looking around* Yeah alright then

Within seconds we had downed our drinks, abandoned our mates in the club, and done a legger across town in search of somewhere to get down to business.

Upon finding a suitable dark corner which smelt of stale tramp piss and was probably covered by numerous cctv cameras we proceeded to get on with relieving some sexual tension.

Quite literally 5 grunts and half a minute later I was somewhat unimpressed when pretty boy shoots his load so quickly and noisily that even a 14 year old virgin would recoil in horror.

And then as I managed to pick my jaw up off the floor I believe I may have uttered (and I'm not proud of this by the way !)

"Oh you have GOT to be joking?"

I still see him on occasion...

His new nickname??

"30 Second Beckham"
(Peek_a_Boo forgot how fun B3ta was until, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 1:11, Reply)

Your Mum.
She just lay there crying, it was crap!
( moohalaa, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 0:56, Reply)

Well
I'm available tiggy if you're bored ;)
(EvilMeister, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 0:13, Reply)

Worst shag #12 ?
is the one I want and cant have.
( Tiggy the diver, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 0:11, Reply)

Following on
from an earlier tale about a lovely young lass I think of as 'Dog lady'.

To recap, I'm at her party and have failed miserable to get entry to her love cave despite being nearly raped by her.
Anyway, I pretended to sleep to get away from her and ended up actually falling asleep after she'd left the room.
I woke up some time later, the party was still going strong and there were people in the room.
Some guy had managed to get two girls and was upto something in the next bed.
I could hear the sounds of giggling and the rumble of clothing. Sneaking a peak I could see it was an older guy of about 40 with two girls who could have been the twins of the fat slags from Viz.
he was whispering jokes between snogs and gropes. The all seemed to be having a fine time, oblivious to me.
Then, suddenly the guy changed and started crying. Then he started telling the girls all about his wife and how much he loved her.
This went on for some minutes and the look on the girls faces was most entertaining. I could see that they would have been out of there sharpish, if it wasn't for this guy bear hugging them both and wailing 'Hold me!' as he weeped.
eventually, he cried himself to sleep and the girls slipped out from his grip.
"I fought he was a right larf out there be he's fucking borin"
One said to the other, before they spied me in the bed. I was naked except for a thin sheet.
"here, wot u doing? U up for anyfing?"
My testicles retracted into my body and my penis became a cold, dead thing.
"Sorry girls, I'm totally spent." I replied.
"oh yeah, your 'dog ladies' bloke. sorry"
And with that, they departed.
(EvilMeister, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 23:34, Reply)

Further on the anal sex issue
I am quite a large fellow. Just generally in terms of physical size. As such, when I shit, it is correspondingly large, and when I turn around to admire my handywork, it does occassionally cross my mind that after that monster, a man's penis would be as nothing.

I am not gay or even particularly gay curious, nor am I attracted by the idea of actually buggering someone, male or female. But I am sure I am not unusal as a shitter. If we can all squeeze things like that out, why all the fuss about a relatively pathetic few inches of knob?

Or am I just unusual in this regard?
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 23:32, Reply)

Worst shag # 11
I think I must have had the world's worst shags
???

Anyway - this one - he was a policeman from *um* somewhere north of London. anyway we hooked up - whatever, he wasn't terribly good looking but he was a lovely bloke and I thought I was on a winner with the sex thing. Oh dear. Very slow -I mean VERY slow on the uptake for me. I tried things too and he was gagging for it big time but there just wasn't anything there, sometimes you just know when something works or not. hey, just as well, I found out later he was married and needed an affair to keep himself up so to speak.

I wrote something here and then thought about it and deleted it. Ha :-)
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 23:31, Reply)

Worst shag #10
Just remebered this.

Was in Majorca on holiday with the inevitable Sarah.

She says : Hey that bloke really fancies you

Me : Ah, fuck it, can't be bothered

S : Yeah he does, look at him looking at you

Me : No, can't be doing with it

S : Look - he's coming over and going to speak to you

Me : Well he can tell me he wants to fuck me, I'm not interested (I sort of thought about it)

S : Look, he's pretty gorge

Me :Nah

S : just fucking do it you stupid cow

Me : oh well maybe

Lousiest shag in Spain i've ever had. Didn't do anything to me and just wanted prick blowing.

What a disappointment :-(

God just remembered the other lousy shag I had in Ibiza. Spaniards are not good lovers unless they tell me otherwise.
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 23:16, Reply)

dog sex
OK so the other night I was at this party, and some guy tells me this:

I was sitting in the porch of my house with my girlfriend, smoking a joint, when she drops her pants & starts sucking me off, ok fine thats cool. Little bit later the dog walks over and starts licking her from behind, just as I'm about to tell the dog to fuck-off she tells me not to! OK so now my cock is totally confused, strong soft strong soft, somehow my brain totally can't cope. Then the dog actually mounts my girlfriend, she seems to be totally loving this, and again my cock can't cope with it, strong soft strong soft, eventually it decides on soft & I shake her off. To this day if I'm having sex & I hear a dog, its all over!

Anyway he said they broke up soon after, surprise surprise.
(Miss_Blue, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:57, Reply)

"I shagged this girl who stank so much I gagged"
.... She didn't make you do it. Exactly *how* desperate were you?

*points and laughs*
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:56, Reply)

Worst shag #9
Hey ho.

I feel bad writing about this but when you haven't had it for a while and someone expresses interest in you, then you kinda take the opportunity.

I took a temp job in a hotel in Southsea (see Circle Cement blog) and the owner had worked on the queen mary 1 had 2 sons. About my age.

Well I had a choice didn't I ?

they both fancied me but I held out due to the father owning the place and he'd know and get off on anything I did with his sons, he was a sick bastard.

So, secretly, I saw one of the sons. He wasn't very good in bed, in fact, didn't know anything. So i thought about the older brother. whilst I was thinking about the older brother whilst i was doing it with the younger one the older one caught us in bed at it and it all ended.

Oh well. Never mind eh :-) ???
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:55, Reply)

Gotta agree...
...hygiene is vital, people. If you're a guy, scrub off your arse and your cock before you ask a girl to put her face down there. And ladies, washing the outside is not enough- every so often you need to flush out the growler, or it sorta... ferments.

*shudder*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:53, Reply)

I'm sure it wasn't the worst for him
I've a chum who cheerfully admits to slathering his bell-end repeatedly with Deep Heat to desensitise himself, prior to indulging in a Deep Heat-lubricated shag with his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend of the time.

He says she was a bit free with her affections, and his justification for anointing her cervix with Deep Heat was, "If you knew her, you'd understand."

Apparently she phoned him up a few days later suggesting that he get himself to the local GUM clinic, as she'd been itching down there.

Charming fellow.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:46, Reply)

stinking fishy fannies
i'm pretty OCD when it comes to washing my cock. and you all should be too.

i shagged this bird called LOUISA DOUGLAS, WHO NOW LIVES IN A PUB IN READING. for the record... dont go there guys.

her cnut was like a foul, wretch-worthy concoction of dead fish/people/roakill. you could smell it through her clothes at 10 feet. (no exaggeration),it was so bad i had too put off having sex with her. when i did, and it got hot and sweaty, i nearly puked, my stomoch was dancing, ready to chunder.

i lost my hardie. that never happens to an over sexed teen like myself at the time. lesson- wash before you shag if your succecptable to sardine-minge.
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:44, Reply)

Raw
Not me, but several lady friends have related stories of sheer horror;

- boyfriend at the time *biting* her exposed clit ("raw" was how she described it)
- being "deep heated" (ie: swab of Deep Heat on fingers, into the mimsy and right on the G-spot)

Christ knows how they didn't end up knifing their partners.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:38, Reply)

grrr
You forgot to add to thatyou should never have sex with overweight, B.O addled, smegma incrusted hideous beast monsters that are masquerading as male members of the human race or indeed anyone from B3ta. The fact that they maybe one and the same is pure coincidence. I am sure....
( hedge_diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:34, Reply)

Bad shag #8
Whatever....

So I'm in the Lone Yachtman in Old Portsmouth and Sarah best mate is running the place.......she says - hey have you seen that new bloke over there he seems ok. So I said do you want to fuck him or shall I try him out ? Honestly we were like that ... anyway it turns out I knew him from some business dealings some time back, so I say to him, hey remember me, he said how could I not you sexy horny thing ??? so I'm now liplocking him and looking at Sarah behind his back and she's laughing.....so took him back to my place. He wasn't too bad by all accounts but I could tell he wasn't that good in fact he was lousy like the others I've written about here.... so I said to Sarah listen you fuck him and tell me what you think. Well she did a coupla weeks later and said well he was "ok" - nothing special so we looked at one another and there was this look "we are going to stitch him up aren't we" so anyway she took him to a pub near the train station in Portsmouth to a couple she knew who owned this pub by a slipway and he parked his car on it. ha ha 6 hours later they come out of the pub and the thing has its tyres underwater and he can't get into the thing. She got him out of the pub and said : Tides Up !

Funniest blag was I sold him the car 3 months earlier in one of my car dealer days and laughed myself stupid at what she'd achieved.

The bloke was a cunt anyway. I hope he is reading this.
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:30, Reply)

.
Never have sex with a fat chick.


Ever.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:17, Reply)

Bad shag #7
Ho Hum. I feel like I've shagged too many men..............but honestly it was years ago. No I am not like that!!

So, I'm in this night club and there's this good looking NZ bloke off one of the ships - Navy i guess, anyway took him back to my flat in southsea as you do and all he wanted to do was talk about his fucking wife and the problems he was having with her !!

He never paid me either.....
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 22:06, Reply)

Never..
..have sex with a fat chick layed on the top, my body indent stayed on the mattress for 2 days after that.
(poolcue123, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 21:49, Reply)