b3ta.com user Kundalini wants his hand back
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It's me!!

read my ramblings and see my red exes

THE VOWEL PLAY SERIES



My first b3ta post!














SPAM ILLUSTRATED:















OTHER CRAP:





















Apple PI. This movie was so tasty, I had to have another slice...






Er...



Um...



Well...



Sorry.


















He's just so useful



Lemur Neeson








Quiz
created by Polly Snodgrass.

WATER OF AIR. You're aloof, depressed and seasoned. You'd make a good psychologist, executioner, black widow, arsenic poisoner, heretic queen or commentator. You're too witty for your own good. Have to get up early in the morny morn to fool you, as you spot lies a mile away. And WOE TO THOSE who dare attempt such a stupid move. You're Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween, when she cuts Michael's head off. You're Anne Robinson, the host of The Weakest Link!



YOU ARE CATNIP


What herb are you?
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Lucy Ricardo


What classic sitcom character are you?
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modbrits
You are a Mod. Yeah baby.


What kind of Sixties Person are you?
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You are .swf	 You are flashy, but lack substance.  You like playing, but often you are annoying. Grow up.
Which File Extension are You?



You are alice kobe.  You are the wife of late Brigadier - Gen. Maxwell Kobe former ECOMOG ARMY COMMANDER in Sierra Leone.  You have suffered hardship and maltreatment in the hands of your husbands family.  You have $25.5 million to share.
Which Nigerian spammer are You?




Recent front page messages:


none

Best answers to questions:

» Local Nutters

Adelaide's Favourite Nutter
I live in Adelaide, South Australia, and because we're a relatively small city all the nutters are pretty well known. The MOST famous by FAR, however, is this guy:


Johnny at the cricket.

Apparently his real name is Johnny, and he lives in a small country town just outside the city, catching the bus in most days to just wander around. He is extremely tall (about 6'6) with hair very similar to Krusty the clown, and he just wanders around town with a groove in his step, wearing his most famous outfit of speedos and white gumboots. This is his summer uniform. In winter he sometimes adds a toy koala backpack. What a legend.

(I nicked the photo off his 'official' fan site, so here's a linky linky)
(Fri 17th Sep 2004, 0:50, More)

» Accidental innuendo

she's what now?
Years ago, I was walking my old dog around the neighbourhood when she stopped outside a house to sniff around the front fence for an INORDINATELY long time. I don't like to shuffle dogs on when they're enjoying a little sniff, so I let her go and waited for her to finish. After a few minutes an old woman appeared in the front window to make sure we weren't doing anything untoward, and yelled out "I HOPE YOUR DOG ISN'T POOING ON MY GARDEN!" to which I haughtily replied "Excuse me, she's simply sniffing your bush!"

Had to pretend I'd meant the innuendo in a cheeky way and stalk off.
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 1:08, More)

» Accidental innuendo

The innuendo bible
I work at a community newspaper, and because of the frequency with which people accidentally pepper their speech with innuendo or, even better, accidentally publish innuendo in headlines and copy, we have taken to writing them all down in a book which we keep in a hallowed place. Actually, it's just kept in Craig's top drawer. But some pearlers have been:

- "Is it my nuts you can smell?", referring to a packet of devilled almonds that may or may not have been stinking up the office.

- "His balls are way too big", referring to a page one piece of artwork in which two soccer balls were sized wrongly.

- "Go sit on Sean's, he's got a big one", one of mine, when directing someone to sit at Sean's desk and use his more powerful computer.

- "PUT A SPRING IN DAD'S STEP", an advertorial headline about buying shoes for father's day. Wouldn't have been a problem except for some reason the accompanying photograph was of a smiling shoe shop assistant holding up a pair of hot pink stilettoes. (Not exactly innuendo but funny anyway.)

- "BIG BUSH SPREAD", a real estate headline about a rural property that actually got published.

- "GREAT DOGGY STYLE", another headline about a pet boutique that sold dog jumpers and coats. Yes, this got published too.

I edit a section called "Vibe" (music, film, fun stuff, etc.) and get given pages to fill according to how many "holes" are in the paper left by news. Undoubtedly the best moment of innuendo in the office came when one of the news editors approached me and exclaimed: "I've got all these holes here and nothing to put Vibe in!"

It's a laugh a minute round my way!
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 0:57, More)

» Jobsworths

I HATE rule stickers
you know, the bastard parking ticket guys who clip you for being ONE MINUTE over time etc. Anyway unfortunately, now I AM one, and I have to say...it feels pretty damn good.

I work for a newspaper and one of my less thrilling daily duties is to put together what is known as the "Community Noticeboard" which is sort of like a classifieds section, but it's free for charities, community groups and so on.

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than receiving a notice 5 minutes after deadline and throwing it in the bin, even though I could probably go out of my way and process it.

Nothing is more pleasurable, except perhaps for telling some old bint who's called to complain about her notice not appearing in the paper that the reason why it didn't appear was that it was submitted after deadline.

Sorry, nothing I can do about that, love.

He he he.
(Fri 13th May 2005, 7:56, More)

» My Worst Vomit

choco-vom
My most famous vom has been family folklore for over 10 years now, and doesn't show any signs of being forgotten, so I might as well immortalise it here.

Mum had bought a punnet of Sara Lee Dutch Chocolate ice cream, which was the family favourite. VERY rich, VERY dark choc ice cream. Delicious. I was only allowed to have a small serve, because it was apparently 'too rich' for a young 'un. More like it was too expensive to waste on stupid kids.

Anyway I fought for a bigger serve, got one, and then promptly came down with an instant case of 24-hour-bug. Great timing.

Standing in front of the sink, I projectile vomited pure dank chocolate-coloured Exorcist-worthy spew, which continued in a fine arc as I turned to the toilet. Consequently got it all over EVERYTHING, and ironically, very little in the toilet.

I was never allowed Dutch Chocolate ice cream ever again.
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 6:31, More)
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