b3ta.com user Leningrad
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Recent front page messages:

(Tue 17th Mar 2009, 21:38, More)

(Mon 23rd Jun 2008, 19:13, More)

(Mon 26th May 2008, 10:05, More)

Stop the abuse.

(Sat 10th May 2008, 23:54, More)

I use real pie for my pie charts.

(Sun 16th Mar 2008, 22:39, More)

(Thu 9th Aug 2007, 15:43, More)

Post-Op Pat, Post-Op Pat! Post-Op Pat and his shiny new twat...

(Sun 8th Jul 2007, 1:07, More)

What really happened...

(Mon 2nd Jul 2007, 16:39, More)

(Wed 21st Mar 2007, 23:46, More)

This idea shall make me millions.

(Sat 3rd Mar 2007, 13:00, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Sacked

Agency work.
Aged around 16/17, I worked as a temp in an office full of women - all women, except for the boss. Obviously, this guy had become used to being able to make smutty innuendo whenever he pleased - perhaps thinking himself as a cheeky rogue - but it was obvious that it grated. One Monday morning, he walked into the office and declared "did you know that semen contains 15 calories per ejaculation?" - to which I replied, "Is that why you've got such a fat arse, then?".

He was not amused.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 18:02, More)

» Petty Sabotage

About two years ago
I went back to a girls house, with a few female friends - the girl who's house it was went to bed, leaving me in some insanely drunk state downstairs. About an hour later, I was getting up to all kind of odd japes, but then... I discovered food dye, and two white guinea pigs...

After making sure that the food dye wouldn't harm them, I ingeniously used half of a potato as some kind of brush, and coloured of the guinea pigs one red and one blue.

I passed out on the sofa, and woke up to screaming...
(Wed 4th May 2005, 22:14, More)

» School Sports Day

...and then the dog shit landed in her hair.
One sunny day, at a Roman Catholic school near Birmingham, the entire school was to be found outside. Everybody was positioned on the far bank to watch the action, and I noticed that there was some horrid dry dog shit near to where I was sitting. - of course, it needed moving.

So I kicked it.

The dry shit soared through the air with grace and ease, but unforunately seemed to be going in the direction of a girl in my class. I held my breath, and then the dog shit landed in her hair.

She picked the hard poo from her hair, and then realised exactly what had just happened. She screamed, and told a teacher that I had thrown the shit at her.

I was summoned to my head of year, who had told me that her friends had reported seeing me pick up the excrement and throw it purposely at her (god damn lying cunts). Luckily, the head of year was an extremely nice guy - he told me that he would call another person to his office, and ask for their report of the events.

He told the truth, the girls were told off, and I was told to be careful when kicking away dried dog poo.

Later on, I came 4th in the 100 meters.

(Wed 5th Apr 2006, 6:59, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

I had recently been diagnosed with acute Phygmanigasmisticism, which as you will know, is very nasty, when...
after a long sleep, I awoke with a hunger for cornflakes - I hobbled downstairs, using my newly grown third arm for extra support, and I noticed that the milkman hadn't delivered any cow-juice. "Shitting wank-arse!", I exclaimed, knowing that the only thing that I could do was to find and milk one of our bovine friends.

So I sat in my wheelchair, and pressed the red button which gives it life. I needed to find a farm - and fast. I was rolling down the street, the wind blowing in my hair like a filthy lover, when I spotted it - a big fat cow. "Hooray!", I thought (in speechmarks, no less), and I aimed my special chair in the direction of said cow.

After grappling at the beasts food-teats for what seemed like seconds, she began spurting out my creamy treat into the bowl of cornflakes I had brought along with me. I was all ready to tuck in when I realised...

I'd forgotten to bring a fucking spoon.
(Tue 21st Jun 2005, 19:38, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

My holiday story.
I was walking along the beach in 1983 - and despite the fact that I was two years old, I was twenty seven. My marriage had recently failed, as had my wifes heart after I spiked her cornflakes with MDMA powder. So there I am, walking along the beach, when I notice a small man in a tuxedo running from the sea. He was perfectly dry, and was smoking one of those pink cigarettes that have gold wrapping over the filter. He ran over to me, and handed me a small envelope, before running back into the sea.

I opened the envelope to find inside a map written in braille, with intructions underneath on how to find treasure. Luckily, the year before, I had regained my sight after years of blindness - so I had no problem decyphering his gift. The intructions told me to find a palm tree, so I flew to Hawaii. I found the tree, and began digging in the spot that the map commanded me to. After digging for what seemed like days, I found a small locked wooden box. I carried on reading the instructions, and was surprised to discover that the box could only be opened by the voice of a sturdy man.

My quest for a sturdy man took me to a small town in Wales - and he duly opened the box for me (with his surprisingly squeaky voice).

Inside the box was a small skeleton. Perhaps of a mouse.

I was very disappointed.
(Tue 26th Apr 2005, 17:04, More)
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