b3ta.com user Lorelei
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» Guilty Secrets

My mother's back massager...
My mom had a large back massager that in no way shape or form could be mistaken for a vibrator. She forgot she had it, but I didn't. For ages I used it as, you guessed it, a giant vibrator. Since she never used it I wouldn't bother to wash it off. Cue me coming home from school one day and my mom using said massager on her neck...She sniffed it when she was done and said to a stunned me "I think it's been in the closet too long, it smells odd."

And that's how my mother pressed her nose against something my vaginal fluids had been on less than a day ago. I've never owned up...

Click "I Like This" and I'll buy you a puppy.
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 22:12, More)

» Dumb things you've done

I've tried to supress this one from my memory...
When I was about nine or so my dad was in the bathroom early one morning taking a shower. I had to use the toilet badly, and instead of knocking on the door and letting him know this like any sane person I had a different idea. The plan was to pee on the wood floor of my bedroom and then wipe it up with my underwear and dispose of it in the laundry pile.

I underestimated just how much my bladder was holding, and soon the whole night's worth of urine was spurting all over the floor. I found that my pair of undies was far too little to wipe up the resulting large puddle, and the smell was hideous. Cue my dad walking in, fresh out of the shower in his bathrobe, to find his nine year old daughter wiping up a puddle of urine bare assed off the hardwood floor with her underwear. He didn't say a word, just went into the kitchen, got a roll of paper towels, and helped me clean it up. The only time he ever did mention it again was later that day, when he told me if I ever needed to use the bathroom while he was in the shower to knock and he'd get out right away.

My dad's an awesome guy. Click I Like This, and I'll bring this story up next time I see him!
(Mon 31st Dec 2007, 3:50, More)

» Helicopter Parents

My dad was the dictionary definition of 'Helicopter Parent'...
When I was sixteen or so he still treated me like I was a little kid that needed to be protected. I guess being his youngest daughter brought out his paternal insticnts, but it got annoying fast.

I put up with it most of the time, but enough was enough when he totally rejected the guy I'd fallen for. You see, I had my first crush when I was in my mid teens. I think it might have been because I was so overprotected. I don't know. But anyway, Dad flipped and forbade me from seeing him because he was of the 'wrong sort'. He wanted me to end up with one of the local boys, who were perfectly nice but a little fishy, to be honest.

We fought constantly. My sisters were no help, they just sided with Dad. Finally I had it. I ran away. Looking back, it was stupid and immature, but at that time I was a hormone crazed kid. I found myself at the house of a local woman who apparently had pulled some shit previously and now the entire community had outcasted her. I knew of her, we'd talked before, and I knew she wouldn't tell Dad where I was.

I was shocked when she told me she could help me attract my crush. I was totally in! Turns out she was just a backstabbing bitch, but hey, I got my man in the end, and now I'm a princess with loads of shitty overpriced merchandise of me!

Yours truly,

...I'm so, so sorry.
(Thu 10th Sep 2009, 22:30, More)

» School Projects

Trip to Prague...
My high school was very progressive for its time, in fact fairly progressive by modern standards as well. There were tons of languages to choose from, and I decided to give Czech a try. I wish I'd picked Spanish or French like the rest of my underachieving friends, it certainly would have been much easier.

I felt that way until the school announced that whoever scored an A on the Czech midterm would be allowed to attend a field trip to Prague over the summer. I studied like mad, giving up all my time for bloody Czech practice. By the time midterms rolled around I could sing 'Kde domov mùj?' forward and backwards. Needless to say I scored close to top of the class.

The trip got nearer and I was pissing myself with excitement. I finally got around to getting a passport and attended numerous school seminars on how to behave and not to embarass the school and whatnot. Finally, the summer I graduated my parents dropped me off at the airport and I flew to Prague.

It was a long journey-- I forget the exact time it took, but New York to the Czech Republic is a hellishly long time, especially in a plane packed full of screaming eighteen year olds. We got there and it was the most amazing trip of my life. Still, one little glitch happened on the way home...

I was at the airport for the return flight and got separated from the rest of my class. I panicked, eventually finding them just past the security check. An obese and intimidating guard didn't believe me when I said I was with them and that they had my airline ticket despite the support of my classmates and teachers. He was really just a dick on a power trip.

Finally my favorite teacher, Mr. Goldberger, convinced Dicky McDick and the police officer that I was a member of the group by showing enough documentation to take the test to become a damn pilot.

But still, in the end I convinced them. After all, it was my school, Prague checked.

...I'll get me coat...
(Wed 19th Aug 2009, 21:12, More)

» Voyeurism

Can they choose which one they piss out of?
My mother once saw her dad naked by accident when she was about four or five. He quickly ran out of the room and all she saw was jiggling flesh, causing her to think that the testicles had also been penises. Basically, she thought men had three penises for years.
(Sun 14th Oct 2007, 17:29, More)
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